| Author | Message | ||
     Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 1575 Registered: 5-2004  |
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his roundtrip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver. | ||
| Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 1576 Registered: 5-2004 |
There was this fella with a parrot and this parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and the bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him repeatedly and yells, "Quit it!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears even more than ever. Then the guy locks the bird in the kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird curses even more than before! At this point, the guy is so angry the he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes, bu then it suddenly gets very quite. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot continues saying, "By the way, what did the chicken do?" | ||
| Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 1577 Registered: 5-2004 |
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the hell have you been?" "Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her." "Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!" | ||
| Just The Aunt Supporter Username: Auntof13 Post Number: 2689 Registered: 1-2004  |
Good ones Rastro  | ||
| Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 960 Registered: 11-2004  |
Four guys arrange to go for a week of hunting and fishing. They all agree to draw straws to see who will do the cooking for the week. The guy who loses say, "OK, I'll do the cooking, but the first one who complains has to do the cooking for the rest of the week." The cook decides to sabotage the dinner so he can get out of his committment. The first night out, everyone sits down to the meal only to find half-raw hamburgers and lukewarm beer. Each hunter digs in and ends up complimenting the cook on his wonderful accomplishment. The cook thinks "Man, I gotta try harder". The next night, everyone sits down and the meal is so hopelessly burned that they can't even tell what it started out as. Again, they compliment the cook profusely. The cook thinks, "Man, those guys'll eat anything; I'm never going to get out of this." The third night, the cook finds a fresh pile of moose dung and has a thought. "I'm going to fry up this moose manure and serve it to those other guys. That'll work." When the other hunters sit down to dinner, the first guy takes a bite, turns to the cook and says, "Man, this takes like moose ••••. But gooooood!" | ||
| TomD Citizen Username: Tomd Post Number: 251 Registered: 5-2005  |
An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." | ||
| ken (the other one) Citizen Username: Ken Post Number: 338 Registered: 5-2001  |
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said....... "Your house." | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 451 Registered: 5-2005  |
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ••• kicked. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may mack you tihnk you can tipe real gode. | ||
| Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 997 Registered: 11-2004 |
THE PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO HOUSTON WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET. SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLOND, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE SITTING IN FIRST CLASS THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT. THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT. THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO HOUSTON AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE." THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON. THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS. I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE." HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND SHE GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY. THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS. I TOLD HER, "FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO HOUSTON. | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 460 Registered: 5-2005 |
FAIR WARNING!!! THIS IS A LITTLE RISQUE!!! Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the •••• out of him. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2667 Registered: 9-2003 |
Q: What do you call someone who cheers for both the White Sox and the Red Sox? A: A Bi-Soxual | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 461 Registered: 5-2005 |
The Guys' Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant it the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really. 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round is a shape. | ||
| Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1002 Registered: 11-2004 |
10 Questions for the Religious Right: I do need some advice from you, regarding some elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? 7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8 . Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though Lev. 19:27 expressly forbids this. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. | ||
| Proud Daddy Citizen Username: Proud_daddy Post Number: 5 Registered: 10-2005  |
A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?" The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye. The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare! | ||
| Jonathan teixeira Citizen Username: Jhntxr Post Number: 8 Registered: 10-2005 |
"THE ITALIAN WHO CAME TO AMERICA" One day Ima go to No Fock,Virginia to a bigga hotel.I go down to eat soma brekfast. I tell the waitress I wanna Two piss toast.She branga me only wona piss.I tell her I wanna two piss on my plate.She say you better no piss on the plate you sonna ma beach.I no even know that lady and she call me sonna ma beach. Later I go to eat some lunch at Tyler restaurante,the waitress,She name virginia too,she branga me a spoon ana nife,but no fock.I tell her I wanna fock ,she tellsa me everybody wanna fock.I tell her you no understand.I wanna fock on the table.She say no fock on the table,you sonna ma beach.I no even know that lady and she call me sonna ma beach.She tell me get the hell out of no fock virginia. So I go back to my room inna hotel,and there's no sheet on ma bed.I calla manager anna tell him I wanna sheet.He tellsa me go to the toilet.So I say you no understand,I wanna sheet onna bed.He say you better no sheet onna bed,you sonna ma beach.I no even know that man anna he call me sonna ma beach. I mad now I go check out,and the man at the desk,he say "go in peace",I say I go piss on you too you sonna ma beach,I go back Italia.I no get No Fock Virginia.!!! | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 1023 Registered: 10-2002  |
DEMOCRATIC You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbara Streisand sings for you. REPUBLICANISM You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So? SOCIALIST You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow. COMMUNIST You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE You have two cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain. AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up. FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good. JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school. GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year. ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good. RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have. TALIBAN CORPORATION You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature' s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US g overnment to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons. IRAQI CORPORATION You have two cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing. POLISH CORPORATION You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them. BELGIAN CORPORATION You have one cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she's French, other times she's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy. FLORIDA CORPORATION You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the better looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tells you which one you think is the better-looking cow. CALIFORNIA CORPORATION You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only five speak English. Most are illegals. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders. | ||
| The Oracle of MOL Supporter Username: Oracle_of_mol Post Number: 118 Registered: 2-2005  |
In Jerusalem, a new CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall, and there he was. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. "I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall." Go in peace. --The Oracle of MOL | ||
| monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 1511 Registered: 7-2002  |
3 out of shape guys were hanging around and one of them heard a sure-fire way to lose weight. Upon hearing about this, the guys went off to the weight loss clinic. They talked to the receptionist, and asked if it involved changing eating habits and the receptionist said "Not at all. It's more of a work-out based diet. You're locked in a room for a period of time, and you lose weight that way." One guy figured, "what the hell, I'll take a course to lose 25 pounds." The guy signs up and his friends watch. The receptionist takes him to a room, reminding him that he'll be locked in the room for 30 minutes. As they open the door, they see a beautiful naked woman with a sign around her neck saying "catch me and f*ck me!". He gets locked in that room. Impressed, the second guy gets the bright idea that he wants to lose 50 pounds. The receptionists then locks him into a room with 2 beautiful naked women, both with signs around their necks saying "catch me and f*ck me"!". The third guy, thinking he's outdone the others, says he wants to lose 100 pounds. He's then taken by the receptionist into a room and eagerly locks himself in without carefully looking inside. After he locks the door, he turns around and sees a horribly ugly, fat naked man with a sign around him saying "if I catch you, you're f*cked! | ||
| Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1055 Registered: 11-2004 |
5TH FLOOR A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to it." The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind". The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly". This wasn't going to do so again they head for the stairs. The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but there were still two more floors... So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight". The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer rather than settle for the fourth. When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is simply no way to please a woman." | ||
| Brett Weir Citizen Username: Brett_weir Post Number: 1037 Registered: 4-2004  |
Q: What's the difference between a Gentile wife and a Jewish wife? A: A Gentile wife has fake jewelry and real orgasms... | ||
| kenney Citizen Username: Kenney Post Number: 710 Registered: 11-2003 |
A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies, "I may be mistaken but I think you might be the father of one of my children". His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my •••? "Umm, no", she replied, "I'm your son's English teacher"......... | ||
| Geri Fletcher Citizen Username: Gerif Post Number: 4 Registered: 10-2005 |
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.” | ||
| Gatica Citizen Username: Katracho Post Number: 171 Registered: 11-2002  |
CAUTION: A LITTLE RISQUE A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he is driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?" Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie how was your trip?" Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest." "That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie’s room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what the hell are you doing?" To which Ed replies, "Ssssshhhh, I'm banging Charlie’s wife while he's in Chicago". | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1806 Registered: 5-2001 |
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!" "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are! you crying?" "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party." | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 2583 Registered: 9-2001  |
A woman is driving her husband to a family event in the next state. After many years of marriage, they are used to long silences between them, but suddenly the husband clears his throat and says, "Dear, I want to ask for a divorce." His wife says nothing, but her hands tighten on the steering wheel, her knuckles turning white. "I don't love you anymore," he goes on. "And I am having an affair with our next door neighbor--I love her more than anything and it is not fair for me to stay with you when I love her." The wife continued to stare ahead stonily, but started speeding up to over 70 miles an hour. The husband paused nervously, then continued. "And I plan to take the kids with me because they like her more than they like living with you. And the dog." The wife said nothing but stepped harder on the gas, the car now approaching 90 miles an hour. "And all of the assets are in my name, so you can have your attorney call mine, but I am not simply going to give you everything I have worked for all these years. I will leave you enough to live on, but you need to get your own job and take care of yourself from now on." Still no response, not even a whisper of a sound from the wife. "Don't you have anything to say?" he asked her as the car sped up even faster. The car hurtled down the highway, and she suddenly steered the car headfirst towards an oncoming bridge abutment. As they headed towards a certain crash, she turned to her husband and quietly said, "Yes, I do have something to say--too bad there is only a driver's side airbag in this crappy car you bought." | ||
| alia Citizen Username: Alia Post Number: 176 Registered: 5-2001 |
Did you hear the one about the guy who chased a girl up a tree and kissed her between the limbs? | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 479 Registered: 5-2005 |
Did you hear about the magician who was walking down the street and turned into a store? | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 480 Registered: 5-2005 |
A guy goes to the optometrist. The doctor tells him, "You've got to stop masturbating!" "Why Doc?" the man asked, "Am I going blind?" "No," the optometrist explains, "but you're upsetting the other patients!" | ||
| letters Citizen Username: Letters016 Post Number: 481 Registered: 5-2005 |
Things you DON'T Want to Hear in Surgery: Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch? I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? Anyone see where I left that scalpel? This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce"! She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2738 Registered: 9-2003 |
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So his wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer. | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 44 Registered: 8-2005 |
"The problem with America is stupidity. Why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?" | ||
| Phil Supporter Username: Barleyrooty Post Number: 976 Registered: 5-2001  |
Two trappist monks were walking down the street when one said to the other... | ||
| Phil Supporter Username: Barleyrooty Post Number: 977 Registered: 5-2001 |
and... The Dalai Lama arrives in New York. He immediately walks up to the nearest hot-dog stand and says "Make me one with everything." | ||
| ril Citizen Username: Ril Post Number: 409 Registered: 6-2001 |
...So the vendor gives the Dalai Lama his hot dog, and his Holiness hands over a $20 bill. After a moment or two, he asks for the change. "Ah," says the vendor. "Change must come from within." | ||
| Gatica Citizen Username: Katracho Post Number: 189 Registered: 11-2002 |
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanised when she hears one of the men say the following... "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this Country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives..." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1826 Registered: 5-2001 |
Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer: In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand; a grand motherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded,"Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The Lawyer was stunned .Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said; "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt." | ||
| Gatica Citizen Username: Katracho Post Number: 190 Registered: 11-2002 |
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $12.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine, until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $32.48." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "Several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something like that, but you'll always have as much money as you need for as long as you live." "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man looks a bit crestfallen, sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." | ||
| Gatica Citizen Username: Katracho Post Number: 191 Registered: 11-2002 |
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" | ||
| Gatica Citizen Username: Katracho Post Number: 192 Registered: 11-2002 |
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa... Go home, you're drunk." | ||
| jeffl Supporter Username: Jeffl Post Number: 1447 Registered: 8-2001 |
A teacher asks her class, "What does your father do for a living?" (apologies for the sexism) Johnny says, "My dad is a fireman." Nancy says, "My dad is a lawyer." The teacher asks Jimmy, "What does your father do?" Jimmy says, "My father's dead." Teacher, somewhat embarrassed, "What did he do before he died? Jimmy, "He turned purple and shat on the floor." |
