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Marge N Averra
Citizen
Username: Marge_n_averra
Post Number: 40
Registered: 8-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 11:46 am: | 
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The following thing happened a few days ago at work and I'm still trying to figure this out.
I was eating my lunch in my office when one of my employees, an Indian guy came in and asked if he could chat. I said, "sure - but I hope you don't mind I'm still eating my lunch." "Not at all," he responded, and proceeded to talk about whatever.
I finished my soup and pushed away the bowl, and got out my next course - some almonds and prunes (really). Employee asks, "Can I have some almonds?" I was very surprised - I'm not in the habit of asking people for tastes of their lunch! However, not really knowing how to respond, I took out two almonds and gave them to him. I didn't want to give more as my diet allows me x number of nuts a day and I'd carefully counted out exactly what I was allowed. There weren't very many in my bag.
He proceeds to make a big deal out of saying, "oh, that's all I get - just two almonds?" and I said, "well it's my lunch, and I'm hungry" - having no idea how to respond to this at all. Conversation continues but this exchange bugged me enough that I asked my husband - "is it normal to ask somebody for some of their lunch, and to complain when they don't give you a sizeable portion?" I could see the situation would be different if I'd walked into his office and started to eat (which I wouldn't do of course). But he walked into my office and disturbed my lunch - I asked him if it was OK to keep eating and he said OK - so I don't see it as rude to eat in front of him. My husband says this is probably some Indian cultural thing that I've run up against - i.e. I'm not off-base for thinking this is a bizarre exchange.
Over the past couple of days, this employee has made several references to it, kind of sarcastically - e.g. "I'll buy you some coffee to make up for the two almonds you gave me the other day." I feel really bad, but kind of annoyed at the same time as I think it was weird to demand a piece of my lunch.
So - all you Georges, Jerrys, Elaines & Kramers out there ... what do you think? |
Dave
Supporter
Username: Dave
Post Number: 9354
Registered: 4-1997
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 11:53 am: |
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The issue here is that almonds are a snack, not a lunch. You can be aggressive with snack food. Bowl of soup? No. Almonds, yes. |
Hoops
Citizen
Username: Hoops
Post Number: 1271
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 11:56 am: |
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absolutely crazy.
(Of course almonds and prunes dont sound like a normal diet either).
Maybe he thought that soup was your lunch and the the almonds were just a snack.
Then again actually measuring out 2 almonds is pretty unusual, most times when you share nuts a handful seems appropriate.
I think you should have told him that your diet is very exact and that all the portions are measured so no you cant have any.
Really funny tho. |
Buzzsaw
Citizen
Username: Buzzsaw
Post Number: 4644
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 11:57 am: |
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The soup was the lunch......... |
LilLB
Citizen
Username: Lillb
Post Number: 1643
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:07 pm: |
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I think this is very strange. Next time he eggs you on about it tell him he's lucky he even got two almonds from you and you're considering the matter closed and hope he does the same.
I don't think you owe him any explanation about dietary habits. He's just looking for attention at your expense. |
Marge N Averra
Citizen
Username: Marge_n_averra
Post Number: 41
Registered: 8-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:11 pm: |
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I only had a handful, so to give him a handful would have sacrificed the whole bag.
The soup was NOT the lunch. The soup was part of the lunch. The soup, almonds & prunes were the lunch.
As to snacks: If you went into somebody's office and they were eating, say, a cookie - would you ask for a piece of the cookie? A cookie is a snack. Suppose the person had two cookies - you could see another cookie sitting on a plate. Would you ask for it?
Is it because almonds are sort of, individual, rather than one whole piece that it seemed OK to ask for some?
I can't help but feel there is some weird cultural expectation-clash going on here ...Is this maybe a guy thing? I would never think of asking somebody for anything that they were eating. |
Calliope
Citizen
Username: Calliope
Post Number: 175
Registered: 3-2006
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:35 pm: |
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Oh, for heaven's sake! He's lucky you just did not say: "Sorry, but, no, I don't have a square to spare." (oh---yeah, that was a different episode)
I don't think it is cultural, I just think it is presumptuous!
Buy a big jar of almonds, place it on his desk with a huge bow, personalizing it as "So-and-So's Nuts", and smile sweetly,with nary a word.
I'm sure the double-entendre will be lost on him.
Calli |
Monster©
Supporter
Username: Monster
Post Number: 3035
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:36 pm: |
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I would have looked at him and said, fsck off b¡tch, get the hell out of here! |
stefano
Citizen
Username: Stefano
Post Number: 494
Registered: 2-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:39 pm: |
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The words "chat" and "eat" are the same in his native language. |
Alleygater
Citizen
Username: Alleygater
Post Number: 1848
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:41 pm: |
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I'm with Monster on this one. |
mjh
Supporter
Username: Mjh
Post Number: 495
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:41 pm: |
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Marge;
I think your gut reaction (excuse the pun) is right. It was weird, and my bet is that it would be weird in other cultures--including his. Especially weird(and I gathered this from your description) if you are his supervisor. In the first place,without a specific invitation, it's obtrusive to disturb a supervisors lunch , much less ask her for part of it!
MJ |
Eats Shoots & Leaves
Citizen
Username: Mfpark
Post Number: 3309
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:51 pm: |
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Ask him if he is Master of His Domain. |
Marge N Averra
Citizen
Username: Marge_n_averra
Post Number: 42
Registered: 8-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 12:51 pm: |
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Well now - now we're getting a little harsh! This is a very nice man, generous to a fault. (I guess he now thinks that I am NOT generous ... )
And though I'm his boss (technically still grand-boss on paper, though I'm trying to get him a promotion and he'll be a direct-report), I run a pretty unstructured shop. I've gone drinking with this guy in the past, and expect to do so in the future too (but I'm NOT giving him a sip of my drink! We'll share the beer nuts though ...). I have a very open-door policy - I never have an undisturbed lunch.
I guess that's why the whole thing astonished me so much - it's never happened before, though people come talk to me when I'm eating almost every day.
Maybe he was yanking my chain .... a distinct possibility ... they know I'm on a diet again and tend to get a little squirrely when I'm under-fed ... |
Mayor McCheese
Supporter
Username: Mayor_mccheese
Post Number: 1301
Registered: 7-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 1:27 pm: |
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Buzz, soup doesn't count as a lunch. I want to go back to Mindy's; you promised me a lunch. |
mem
Citizen
Username: Mem
Post Number: 6130
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 1:53 pm: |
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Fire this almond grubbing subordinate. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7544
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 2:29 pm: |
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Casual shop or not, his being a grand-direct obliterates some of my more creative suggestions. You can't get into it with him; it will eventually bite you in the butt because it is still a workplace.
It was rude of him. I don't think that it's cultural; he just has no manners.
The next time he makes a remark about gettiing coffee, just smile and say "Thanks! Skim, no sugar, please." Then ignore it if he ever mentions it again. He'll eventually get tired of it.
Or you could be boring and high-minded and just ignore it without the coffee remark. |
mjh
Supporter
Username: Mjh
Post Number: 496
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 2:32 pm: |
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what greenetree said |
Andrew Zorn
Citizen
Username: Andrewzorn
Post Number: 190
Registered: 1-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 3:27 pm: |
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It is a funny story, for sure, highlighting some odd behavior. Here's a different angle on how to handle it:
As a boss you could take it as an opportunity to coach this man. There are lots of ways to do this that will keep his respect for you in tact and also make him a better employee and colleague. It will also clear the air. This might pay-off large if/when he becomes a direct report.
Kind of a middle-ground between telling him he’s a jerk and ignoring the whole thing, and an approach that I don’t think is followed much in corporate America for all the lip-service it gets. But, I admit, it is a little square compared to the amusing suggestions offered above.
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argon_smythe
Citizen
Username: Argon_smythe
Post Number: 825
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 3:30 pm: |
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I think he's just trying to have an in-joke with you, but not doing it very well.
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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7547
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 4:05 pm: |
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Mmmmm. I don't think it is an employer's place to coach someone on manners. There are some exceptions: if an employee entertains clients at meals and has terrible table manners; an employee's poor personal hygiene is disruptive to the office; and the like. In other words, if it affects business. Or, if personal manners are a roadblock to promotion or success in the company.
But, this is a personal situation between two people who happen to be in a work environment. And the boss has to show restraint. |
Andrew Zorn
Citizen
Username: Andrewzorn
Post Number: 191
Registered: 1-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 4:20 pm: |
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Hey, someone took my post seriously. Thanks!
I'll respect your response and expand on what I meant. What I think should be addressed is not the manners at the "lunch" table but the ensuing comments, which I admit I assumed were made in front of others. It is slightly different if the subsequent "jokes" were made one-on-one.
But still, close the door and clear the air in a polite way. Especially if the guy is "just trying to have an in-joke...but not doing it very well" because he'd understand how the boss feels and maybe get a clue about the entire situation. It'll close the subject and let everyone move on with feelings no longer hurt.
It ain't funny to imply that someone is cheap. He'll be better of at work if he learns that in a way that will stick with him. I am coming from the same angle as you are when you are talking about personal manners being a roadblock for success. I am including obnoxiousness as a personal manner.
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Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14066
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 4:36 pm: |
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Whether argon_smythe is right or not, I think it's a good idea to act as if he's right. Do whatever you would do when someone repeats a bad joke incessantly. Roll your eyes, or tease him back or whatever you like. If he persists and acts seriously, tell him to drop it. If he persists further, tell him the whole thing was of bad taste, and he shouldn't mooch or joke about you being cheap.
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ML
Supporter
Username: Ml1
Post Number: 3002
Registered: 5-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 4:37 pm: |
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you blew your opportunity to nip this in the bud at the start. when he first asked, you should have said:
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Marge N Averra
Citizen
Username: Marge_n_averra
Post Number: 43
Registered: 8-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 4, 2006 - 6:59 pm: |
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I think some of y'all are taking this maybe a little more seriously than I am - I just thought it was pretty funny in a Seinfeld-esque kind of way.
This guy is not a slob and his manners are generally impeccable - that's why I like him and am promoting him. He's the type who is friends with everybody, and is a good ambassador for my office. I think that's one of the things that made this whole exchange so bizarre. It was just out of character. Maybe the promotion thing has made him feel closer or something. I think it was a joke that fell flat. Whatever the reason, I'm going to let it go.
He and a few others in the office are big into bringing back gifts when they travel abroad, which is a practice I frown on and have tried to discourage (to no avail whatsoever). I don't bring back prezzies when I go on vacation and I think some of the people in the office think I'm cheap as a result. I've been very frank with people that I do NOT want them to do it, and I am setting an example for them to follow as I think it is a bad practice. But they won't stop. Here, I think we really are running into cultural stuff. But I refuse to budge on this.
I haven't instituted a policy prohibiting it as I think that would be too extreme. I don't like to have a long list of rules to follow, as it makes the environment feel rigid. I'm just not into that. (they're not allowed to take presents from vendors though - that's a larger workplace policy) |
Ima Perplecks
Citizen
Username: Victor
Post Number: 35
Registered: 6-2005
| | Posted on Friday, May 19, 2006 - 2:31 pm: |
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No soup for you! |
ffof
Citizen
Username: Ffof
Post Number: 4731
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, May 19, 2006 - 2:43 pm: |
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MArge said [I'm] "squirrely when I'm under-fed". Figures this thread is about her nuts!
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