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Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 5074
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 7:21 pm: | 
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This has been bugging me since last week. So, last week I saw / overheard a child (maybe 4th or 5th grade) go up to to another child and ask "How come you have two moms?" The child being asked shrugged their shoulders as if to say "I don't know," and tried to walk away. The first child then asked "Where's your father? And "Were you adopted." Again the child being asked shrugged their shoulders.
The first child then ran off to join another group of children. As the child who was asked walked by me I stopped the child and said I couldn't help but overhear what just happened. The poor child kept their eyes down toward the groud. I asked the child if they had two moms, to which the child replied quietly replied 'Yes.'
I let the child know this is nothing to be ashamed of and it's okay for him / her to tell others when asked. I let the child know there are many different kind of families and maybe the other child has never met someone with two moms before. The child looked at me as a small smile started to appear on their face. I told the child what's important is your mom's love you very much as I am sure you love them. That it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. That it is okay, and again there is nothing to be embarassed about.
One of my friends told me I shouldn't have told the child it was okay and the child shouldn't answer people when asked. That shrugging his /her shoulders is what the child should have done. I told my friend she is an idiot.
How do same sex couples with children want their children to react in situations like this? I don't think the child askig meant any harm by asking. Should an adult who overhears an exchange like this get involved? I didn't say anything to the first child as they were no longer in the area. I did mention it to the adults responsible for the child asking though they weren't the child's parent. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7701
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 7:53 pm: |
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I don't have kids, but I have some thoughts:
1. This is not the first time that this child has been asked this question and probably has worked out how to deal with it by herself and with her parents. If she didn't answer, it may have been because the question made as much sense to her as asking any other child why they have the parents they do.
2. It probably not did occur to her to be embarrassed. This is her family; her norm. Her life is not embarrassing to her, but a strange adult suggesting that it may or may not be may have made her feel bad. And why did she need to be assured that her moms love her?
3. When I have heard strange children say mean things (which, I am not sure in this case is what happened), and there is no attached adult nearby, I say something. Nicely and firmly. As in "That is not a nice thing to say to someone. You would not like someone to say mean things to you."
You probably meant well. But you also probably made this child feel different. I have been told, by well-meaning folks, that "it's OK" that I'm gay. I don't need to be told that. But the person offering their blessing is in danger of getting bitch-slapped. |
Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2337
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 8:01 pm: |
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Classic
"But the person offering their blessing is in danger of getting bitch-slapped. "
Made my night |
Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 5075
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 8:06 pm: |
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Thanks Greenie. I guess next time I'll keep my mouth shut. For some reason though, when I mentioned what happened to the adult that was arouund I got the feeling there have been some kids who had made fun of the child and that the child was having a hard time with the situation. I guess my friend isn't the idiot. I am.
I know my nephews haven't met children with two moms or two dads yet. I can just imagine what my sister will say when that happens! They hadn't even met mixed raced families until a month or so ago; but they have met a few kids who were adopted from differnt coutries. |
Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4452
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 9:00 pm: |
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Last year my eldest daughter had a playdate with a girl who had two moms. The girl discussed it openly, and my two oldest daughters have been taught that there are all different kinds of families. Only the three year old was puzzled. So, her sisters, the friend and I simply told her there are all different kinds of families. End of story. This is something we've talked about forever. I don't think you needed to explain anything to the girl with the two moms.
When my oldest was around two, she'd often tell our parents that men can marry men and women can marry women. You don't need to provide specific details. We would just tell her you marry who you love. |
akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 418
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 9:50 pm: |
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My preschool aged kids have friends from 2 mommy and 2 daddy families, as well as kids from just about every other variable of family you can imagine. They totally understand that families are different. Their 2 half sisters are only with us part-time, and they get that, too.
A kid of the age you described in this area has surely encountered 2 mommy families before so she was just being mean, IMO. The child being teased dealt with it her way and I agree that you did not need to get involved. In fact, I agree you may have made her feel worse. It sounds patronising and also that you singled her out for attention. |
Greeneyes
Citizen
Username: Greeneyes
Post Number: 798
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 17, 2006 - 9:55 pm: |
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Just my two cents.
You made an assumption about that child's family dynamic. I was raised in a non-traditional household. The two adult women in my home were referred to as some form of the word "Mom", but neither was my mother and these two women were not lovers, for lack of a better word right now. I can remember two occasions when I was asked about "why" my family was the way it was. I answered, I don't know". I did know, but a) it wasn't anyone's business and b) my family was acutely "abnormal" for the times and I didn't know how to embrace that.
You're not an idiot, JTA, just a bit of a buttinsky. Your heart is in the right place, but at times it may be just too big. |
Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 5076
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 1:41 am: |
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I don't want to go into a lot of detail in case someone knows the child; but I do know the 'moms' are lesbians. Anyway, next time I'll keep my mouth shut... |
mlj
Citizen
Username: Mlj
Post Number: 235
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 9:18 am: |
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Unfortunately, not only between children are questions asked and/or remarks or observations made to others about their personal lives that are way out of line and none of their business. Generally, no one should feel pressured to respond or react to comments or questions regarding their personal business.
This is a difficult thing for an adult to learn to manage, while keeping your cool and not making it worse by acting like a nut. Same with kids, only tougher.
If in this kind of situation, or observing it between others, maybe it is best to change the subject. |
Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4456
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 9:27 am: |
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JTA, the nature of their relationship has nothing to do with it. Whether they're two friends raising a kid, lovers, whatever. Any couple's sexuality is no one's business (who knows what goes on behind anyone's closed doors?). Greeneyes is right, your heart was in the right place, but it's not your place to make commentary, esp. to the child. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14337
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:27 am: |
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A few years ago, my daughter had a friend who was being raised by mother and grandmother. They were called Mommy and Mom, respectively.
I think people are being too hard on Just The Aunt. She sensed shame from the kid. And then she sensed relief upon comforting her. It sounds like she did something good.
The only thing I wouldn't do is tell my friend -- or anyone -- that she's an idiot. Labeling people is no good. I label people's behavior instead.
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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7707
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:33 am: |
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Tom- I can't help but disagree. I'm not calling anyone names, but making a child feel as if she is different or her family is "wrong" is just not a good thing to do.
No one here thinks that JTA had bad intentions. She asked opinions, she's geting them and will consider them in the future.
What would you think if a strange adult approached one of your daughters and said "It's OK that you live with your dad and stepmom; it's nothing to be embarrassed about." |
akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 419
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:34 am: |
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Honestly, I think people are being pretty gentle. Re-read the original post. It didn't read to me like a request for information or validation as much as somewhat self-congratulatory.
Also, JTA, no need for quotes around the word moms in your last post.
Edit: and, finally, some kids are raised with a sense of privacy and would prefer not to answer questions - posed by a child or an adult. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7708
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:38 am: |
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Mmmmmmm.........
Sometimes, when undecided, we give the benefit of the doubt.........
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Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14339
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:52 am: |
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Doesn't it depend on context? If my daughter appeared ashamed, it would be good that someone reassured her. If it were unsolicited, I'd be annoyed.
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akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 420
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 18, 2006 - 10:59 am: |
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Needed reassurance could be "don't let them get to you, this is a tough age", or eye contact and a smile, not asking if the kid has two moms! Think about that kid - she has no way of knowing how this strange adult will react to her answer but probably feels she should respond (our kids certainly are expected to respond to adults). Also, she has chosen not to engage with the other kids - why would she want to engage with a strange adult on the same subject, and why would that person's validation mean anything to her? It may be her moms raised her not to answer nosy questions about her home life - what if JTA had been some whackjob who asked the question and then proceeded to tell the kid her home life was sinful or something?
In any event, as JTA later posted that she knows the kid is being raised by a lesbian couple, she did not need to ask the question in the first place.
I'm not saying JTA is a bad person, but this was ill thought out, IMO. |
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