| Author | Message | ||
     jeffl Supporter Username: Jeffl Post Number: 1448 Registered: 8-2001 |
A man goes to his doctor. At the end of the appointment the doctor says, "You've got AIDS and Alzheimer's." The man says, "Well, at least I don't have AIDS." | ||
| Elaine Harris Citizen Username: Elaineharris Post Number: 61 Registered: 12-2004 |
WARNING: LAWYER JOKE Three men, a lawyer, an accountant and an architect were lifelong friends. They spent many hours together playing golf, cards, etc. One day they were bored and decided to have a contest. They were all going to teach their dogs to do exactly what they do, and whoever taught his dog best would win. A year later the men met in a park with their dogs. They drew lots. The architect and his dog, Fido, went first. The architect spread a huge bag of biscuits on the grass. Fido took the biscuits, one by one, and arranged them in the shape of a magnificent skyscraper. The lawyer and the accountant were very impressed. Next was the accountant's turn. He also spread a bag of biscuits on the grass. His dog, Sparky, took the biscuits, one by one, and arranged them in the shape of numbers, in vertical columns, then totalled them!!! The lawyer and the architect were very impressed. Then came the lawyer's turn so he called his dog. "Rover, show them what you can do best." So Rover proceeded to eat all their biscuits, and then he screwed the other two dogs. | ||
| seeingeyemom Citizen Username: Seeingeyemom Post Number: 134 Registered: 7-2001 |
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake." | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1188 Registered: 11-2004  |
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs. They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string. | ||
| seeingeyemom Citizen Username: Seeingeyemom Post Number: 135 Registered: 7-2001 |
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. "Your Honor," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly. | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1197 Registered: 11-2004 |
The Zen of Judiasm If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip... joy. With the second... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about? The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "oy." There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. The Torah says,"Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish? Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1198 Registered: 11-2004 |
A Czechoslovakian goes to the Optomitrist for an eye exam. The doctor points to the eye chart across the room and says, "can you read the first line?" "Read it!?" says the Czechoslovakian, "I KNOW THAT GUY!" | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 89 Registered: 8-2005 |
CHRISTMAS WITH LOUISE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize. As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health! Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house. | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 97 Registered: 8-2005 |
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666. | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1209 Registered: 11-2004 |
At last, an honest boss: http://www.hallmark.com/wcsstore/HallmarkStore/images/products/ecards/nfg1969.sw f | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1210 Registered: 11-2004 |
At last, an honest boss... http://www.hallmark.com/wcsstore/HallmarkStore/images/products/ecards/nfg1969.sw f | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1226 Registered: 11-2004 |
SENIOR DRESS CODE Many of us "Seniors" (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided: 1. A nose ring and bifocals 2. Spiked hair and bald spots 3. A pierced tongue and dentures 4. Miniskirts and support hose 5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads 6. Speedo's and cellulite 7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar 8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor 9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge 10. Bikinis and liver spots 11. Short shorts and varicose veins 12. Inline skates and a walker And last, but not least, my personal favorite: 13. Thongs and Depends Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop. | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 2821 Registered: 9-2001  |
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE 1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas. 3. I take my wife everywhere..... but she keeps finding her way back. 4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen. 5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. 6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" .. So I bought her an electric chair. 7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake." 8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. 9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" .... The driver said "No, jump in!" 10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. 11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. 12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. 13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!" | ||
| LazyDog Citizen Username: Lazydog Post Number: 134 Registered: 6-2005  |
This may be old, but was determined to be world's funniest joke by a university of Hertfordshire study a few years back ..... A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?" | ||
| monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 1931 Registered: 7-2002  |
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!" | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1338 Registered: 11-2004 |
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150." The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance." | ||
| jeffl Supporter Username: Jeffl Post Number: 1550 Registered: 8-2001 |
I think I can get away with this. It was on ESPN. I guess I'll know soon... You are a freshman. You've been selected to pump up the crowd as the school's "BELL RINGER" during the season opener against Navy. Your family, friends, and 15 million viewers see you on ESPN's telecast energetically ringing the school's bell. Unfortunately, because of the poor placement of the bell, your body, and ESPN's camera, this is what the world sees .... http://media.putfile.com/bellringer | ||
| Tom Kerns Supporter Username: Tom_kerns Post Number: 324 Registered: 6-2004 |
As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs,sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir." | ||
| The Soulfullest Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1386 Registered: 11-2004 |
Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book .. and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie. "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?" Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three." | ||
| Just The Aunt Supporter Username: Auntof13 Post Number: 3840 Registered: 1-2004  |
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road Drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?" "No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch." | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 139 Registered: 8-2005 |
ST. GEORGE: President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit the Methodist Church outside Washington. Karl Rove made a visit to the Bishop and said to him, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity among Methodists because of Bush's position on stem cell research, the War, and such. I'll gladly make a contribution to the church of $100,000 if during your sermon, you'd say the President is a saint." The Bishop thinks it over for a few moments and says, "The Church is in desperate need of funds. I will do it." Bush pompously shows up that following Sunday, looking especially smug, sneering for his photo ops, while strutting his way, cowboy-style, into the church. As the sermon starts, the Bishop begins his homily: "George Bush is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite as well as a nitwit. He is a liar, a cheat, probably still a drunk, and a low-intelligence sneaky weasel. He has lied about his military record, and then had the gall to put himself in uniform on a military jet, landing on a carrier, and then posing before a banner stating 'Mission Accomplished.' He invaded a country for oil and money, all the while lying to the American people about the war, with nary a care for the thousands of lives it has taken and continues to take. He is the worst example of a Methodist I've ever personally known or known of. But compared to Dick Cheney, George Bush is a saint." | ||
| The Soulfullest Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1425 Registered: 11-2004 |
The basic beliefs of ZEN JUDAISM: ------------------------------ If there is no self, whose arthritis is this? ------------------------------ Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? ----------------------------- Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip... joy. With the second... satisfaction. With the third, peace. With the fourth, a danish. ------------------------------ Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. ----------------------------- Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health Or a life without problems. What would you talk about? ------------------------------ The journey of a thousand miles. Begins with a single "oy vay." ------------------------------ There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? ------------------------------ Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes. ------------------------------ The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish. ------------------------------ Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems. ------------------------------ Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen. And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders. --------------------------- Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things faster. ------------------------------ To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist. ------------------------------ To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the following: Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking? ------------------------------ Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness. ------------------------------ The Torah says, “Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. | ||
| LazyDog Citizen Username: Lazydog Post Number: 142 Registered: 6-2005 |
After their 11th child, an Arkansas couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Arkansas man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Alabama, Tennessee, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Washington D.C. | ||
| LazyDog Citizen Username: Lazydog Post Number: 143 Registered: 6-2005 |
A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son." | ||
| monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 2093 Registered: 7-2002 |
The Money Exchange I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. Short line...just one person in front of me, an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated. He asked the teller, "Why it change? yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen - today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller says, "Fluctuations." The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white guys too!" | ||
| frannyfree Citizen Username: Frannyfree Post Number: 157 Registered: 1-2004 |
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical •••••• explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake." Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon ay s I see who's at the door." An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting. "Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck" Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?", she asked. "To get my teeth!" Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?" Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?" | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 185 Registered: 8-2005 |
A little girl decided to get a pet so she went to the pet store and told the owner that she wanted something unusual. After some discussion she finally bought a talking centipede which came in a little box for a house. She took the box and the centipede back home. Then she asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go out for a walk with me?" But there was no answer. She waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going out for a walk with me?" But again, there was no answer. So she waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. She decided to ask him one more time; this time putting her face up against the 100 legged bug's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go for a walk with me? A little voice came out of the box:...... "I heard you the FIRST time!!! I'm still putting on my shoes!!!" | ||
| MBJ Citizen Username: Mbj Post Number: 174 Registered: 10-2005 |
Guy walks into a bar, orders a shot, downs it, then slams the shot glass down on the bar and says in a loud voice "All lawyers are a**holes!". A guy at the other end of the board looks up and says in an angry voice "Hey!, I resent that statement". The first guy says "Why, are you a lawyer?" The second guy says "No, I'm an a**hole". | ||
| frannyfree Citizen Username: Frannyfree Post Number: 169 Registered: 1-2004 |
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors . The guard said , "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid." So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, "$2700." The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says , "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1, 000 for me, $1, 000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri." | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 226 Registered: 8-2005 |
Two women were sitting beside each other in the first class section of a plane. The first woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15 seconds. The second woman went back to her reading. A few minutes later, the first woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and again shuddered quite violently. The second woman was becoming curious about the shuddering. After a few more minutes the first woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The second woman could no longer restrain her curiosity. She turned to the first woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, wiped your nose with a tissue, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Embarrassed but more than a little curious the second woman asked "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" To which the first woman replied, "Pepper." | ||
| justmelaura Citizen Username: Justmelaura Post Number: 448 Registered: 5-2001 |
Got these from my mom. Warning, male bashing ahead One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb... A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..." "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. </b> Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! A PRAYER.... Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for St rength, I'll beat him to death. AMEN Q: Why do little boys whine? A: They are practicing to be men. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough. Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating? A: To stop the snoring before it starts. Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe. Q: What is the difference between men and women? A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need. Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals" | ||
| frannyfree Citizen Username: Frannyfree Post Number: 179 Registered: 1-2004 |
Lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture And replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription." | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 286 Registered: 8-2005 |
A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, asked: "So, where are you from?" The other woman answered, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied: "OK, so where are you from, bitch?" | ||
| LazyDog Citizen Username: Lazydog Post Number: 235 Registered: 6-2005 |
A bus carrying a group of nuns crashed, killing all on board. At the pearly gates St Peter asks"Before you are let through, have you evertouched a mans genitals?" The first nun said "I once put my finger on some." "Wash that finger in the bowl of holy water,and you can pass" said St Peter. The second nun said "I once touched some genitals with my hand." "Wash your hand in the holy water and you can pass." Suddenly there is a pushing and shoving from the back of the queue, and Sister Marie barged to the front. "Well", she explained to St Peter, "I want to wash my mouth out before Sister Bernadette washes her arse." | ||
| BLOWFLY Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1773 Registered: 11-2004 |
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher, whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually, the topic got around to former Texas Governor George W. Bush and his elevation to the White House. The old Texan said, "Well, ya know, Bush is a 'post turtle'." Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was. The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know, he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just want to help the dumb sh*t get down." | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 13698 Registered: 1-2003  |
An English Jew, a prominent novelist and intellectual, is informed that he will be knighted. The queen's protocol officials prepare him and the other knights-to-be for the ceremony. He is informed that, when he stands before the queen, he is to recite, "Philosophum non facit barba. Non in solo pane vivit homo." just before being knighted. On the day of the ceremony, the man is very nervous and, sure enough, when he approaches the queen, he forgets the Latin expression. As precious seconds tick by, the only non-English word he can think of pour out of him: "Ma nishtana halaila hazeh mikol haleilot?" The queen, confused, turns to her protocol officer and asks, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?" | ||
| LazyDog Citizen Username: Lazydog Post Number: 249 Registered: 6-2005 |
7 reasons not to mess with children. 1. A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". 2 . A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute." 3. A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill." 4. One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" 5. The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead." 6. A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." 7. The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples. | ||
| Scully Citizen Username: Scully Post Number: 358 Registered: 8-2005 |
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly old woman, to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died. The judge then quickly asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt." | ||
| The Soulful Mr T Citizen Username: Howardt Post Number: 1827 Registered: 11-2004 |
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 6101 Registered: 5-2001  |
A little boy asks his mom: Boy: Mom? Mom: Yes, sweetheart? Boy: Mom, where do babies come from? Mom: Why, from the stork, honey. Boy: Mom? Who f*cks the stork? |
