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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 281
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, June 4, 2006 - 10:14 pm: | 
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I believe in Jesus more than any other Republican candidate and if I win, everyone in Maplewood will need to do so, too.
I support the war on drugs. Yeh,it doesn't do any good but it does create jobs.
I also do not support cops wasting time checking seat belts. For those who can't figure out how to put on a seat belt, it is called Social Darwinism. Google Darwin Awards if you don't know what I mean.
Since the border in Iraq is secure, (mission accomplished) we can take the troops home and divert the defense money to repair the column that was damage by automobile. We can also send some money (not too much) to our friends in S.O. to pay for their new art work.
In the interest of homeland security, I propose having cameras all over town. We can take the cops that were checking seatbelts and put them on our borders of Millburn, Newark, Union and Irvington and they can check green cards of anyone wanting to get into Maplewood. I left South Orange out of the border check because the people from South Orange are kinda just like us.
I will work to have the town council send a letter to support the Marriage Protection Amemdment so that people will take their minds off of the disasterous presidency that now exists. If people forget about the price of gas, Katrina, the war in Iraq that we won and the war we are going to win in Iran, their health insurance and so forth, maybe we Republicans can keep control of the government after the November election.
Please tell me you will vote for me.
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Factvsfiction
Citizen
Username: Factvsfiction
Post Number: 603
Registered: 4-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, June 4, 2006 - 10:31 pm: |
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John,
I believe Howard Dean has already cut you a check. |
John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 282
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 10:27 am: |
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Since announcing my candidacy for town council, I have visited Mapleleaf and Parkwood to hear the concerns of my future constituents.
First of all, yes, if the green card check is instituted at the border of Maplewood, some of you will have to mow your own lawns. But remember, it will be in the interest of homeland security and we in Mapl. must be willing to do our own part. Since the border check will be as effective as taking off our shoes at the airport, we should enthusiastically support this.
Another resident said I should go negative on Jamie. "Why don't you swiftboat him like the true Republican you say you are would?" Well, I am not that kind of guy to make up lies about an opponent. However, I will say, I have it on good authority that Jamie did not take part in the Great Communicator's liberation of Granada. And need I remind you what a glorious endeavor that was.
Tomorrow, I will post my position about downsizing government. Wednesday, I hope to finalize my position on tax relief for the wealthier members of our community who are being victimized by the death tax.
Thursday, I will expound on my campaign slogan: YoYo. Like a good Republican, I didn't make the slogan up myself but I took it from a lieberal publication except, I support the YoYo principal whereas the lieberal thought the idea is horrific. Shows you what he knows or at least it will show you on Thursday.
(Straw, if this is boring, you can skip this thread and go on to listening to Rush at noon. Rush says the same things I do but he is funny and its easier to learn from him.)
If you, dear reader, as a Maplewood citizen have concerns that you would like me to address, please post them.
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Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14585
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 12:13 pm: |
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Look, if your grass is too long, it provides extra greenery, compensating for the lack of a green card. It all works out.
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 285
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 12:25 pm: |
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Tom, then can I assume you will vote for me? |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14587
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 12:28 pm: |
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No, I'm not a Christian.
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Scully
Citizen
Username: Scully
Post Number: 584
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 1:14 pm: |
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Factvsfiction
Citizen
Username: Factvsfiction
Post Number: 612
Registered: 4-2006
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 8:44 pm: |
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So who is going to be the green party candidate? |
LazyDog
Citizen
Username: Lazydog
Post Number: 278
Registered: 6-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 9:42 pm: |
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Kermit |
Factvsfiction
Citizen
Username: Factvsfiction
Post Number: 614
Registered: 4-2006
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 10:44 pm: |
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He is too busy endorsing Ford Hybrid SUVs. Miss Piggy? |
cmontyburns
Citizen
Username: Cmontyburns
Post Number: 1852
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Monday, June 5, 2006 - 10:56 pm: |
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"No, I'm not a Christian."
Talk about your nondenial denials! Come on Reingold. Come clean.
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 288
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 6, 2006 - 10:21 pm: |
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My conservative hero is Grover Norquist who wants to shrink the government to the size where he can drown it in a bathtub. Well lets show him we can beat him to it. Elect me and we can have Maplewood be an example to the rest of the nation.
Lets downsize maplewood and run it as a profit making proposition. Walmart is the model: minimum wage and no benefits for the town's employees when I am elected. We will start with the public works department. The objective is to privatize the department or best yet, eliminate the functions from public finance altogether. If we do this, we don't have to pay workmens comp, pension, social security and unemployment for them. Just like Walmart tries to do.
At the next contract negotiation, I will propose that all overtime, longevity awards, sick days, vacation days and medical insurance be eliminated. Instead, we will offer a 4 % raise in salary. The idea is to get the employees to quit so we don't have to fire them and let them collect unemployment. Sam Walton would understand and appreciate this. When most of them do quit, we can fire the rest and it won't cost us too much. If there is a problem with the few remaining workers getting sick, we can follow the examples of the Walmart personnel department and have them apply for foodstamps and stuff.
After we take care of public works, we can follow up with recreation department and the library.
At this point, some of you are wondering what will happen with the roads when it snows, or needs new seal coating. Or maybe you are concerned about missing the library. Don't worry, I have answers for all of these things. I will tie all of this together in a future post. But don't worry, I am a Republican and I have thought of everything.
Hint: We are going to replace the workers with thousands of "Points of Light."
And lest you think I am not a compassionate conservative, remember, there is still welfare for the displaced workers. Also, just yesterday, our Decider-in-Chief said that there is work in America for anyone who wants it so the displaced public workers will easily find replacement jobs, maybe even at the Walmart on Rt. 22. But the point is, our objective of not taxing and spending and reducing the size of our government will be achieved.
To my supporters who are disparaging of the nattering nabobs of negativism who want to keep taxing and spending, don't worry about them, I will distract the lieberals with a petition to have an anti-flag burning amendment.
What's that? Oh that's right, I'm supposed to use flag burning and the pro-family marriage issue to distract my own supporters. Sorry.
Anyway, tune in tomorrow.
JC
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Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14617
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 6, 2006 - 10:24 pm: |
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 290
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 7, 2006 - 11:22 am: |
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Now, we get to the personal responsibility-points of light part of my campaign platform.
As you remember, yesterday, we "closed down" the department of public works. The basis of Republican/conservative thought is that government should not be doing things that people can do for themselves. So with the money we save in taxes by not paying benefits and salary for the public works employees, we are going to buy plastic snow shovels, a heavy duty broom and plastic rakes for every homeowner. There is no reason we can't shovel the sidewalk and the street in front of our houses up to the yellow line in the middle of the street.
In the fall, we will take our plastic rakes and rake the leaves from our lawns and the gutters in front of our houses. This is called, being self-reliant and independent.
Now about every five years, the streets get worn down. Therefore, every four years all the homeowners will get a voucher from Home Depot to get a can of driveway sealer. Take the broom we gave you (see paragraph 2) and apply the sealer to the roadway in front of your house.
Now, we bring the 1,000 points of light into the equation. If the homeowner is old or infirm. Churches and temples can have volunteers (Points of Light) help the old peole with their shoveling, raking and seal coating.
Realizing that some of the Christian churches may have small congregations or may need/want to raise extra money, Christian congregations can apply for Faith-based Initiative Grants (Herein called FIGS). They can use the FIGS to hire workers to shovel, rake and seal coat. They can apply for the grants based on paying 8 or 9 dollars per hour and pay the "volunteer" minimum wage and then keep the change.
I will ask Pat Robertson if Catholic Churches would be elegible for Christian FIGS.
Anyway, now that you are seeing how my plan for Maplewood is starting to fit together, I am sure I will be getting more support.
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 292
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 7, 2006 - 1:56 pm: |
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Update on my campaign for town council.
I wasn't able to get enough signatures on my petition to qualify. Family members all signed, even though some don't live in Maplewood. Four good neighbors signed and some guy I met at Bagel Chat. signed his name, I.M. Board.
His address was washed out by the rain so I don't know what street he lives on.
--But anyway, all my supporters will now have to write me in on the ballot. I don't know how you do that on electric balloting machines but maybe it doesn't matter. Some of my Republican friends have learned how to (adjust) the DieBold machines in Ohio so I can just call them and maybe they will tell me how I can win with a write-in candidacy.
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Wendy
Supporter
Username: Wendy
Post Number: 2585
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 7, 2006 - 9:58 pm: |
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John, I'm glad we had a chance, however briefly, to confer about your campaign tonight. I believe a winning strategy will indeed be worked out, one way or another. Your thoughts are of course admirable, creative and exactly what many of us want to hear. Go get 'em kid. |
John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 298
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, June 8, 2006 - 11:52 am: |
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YOYO SOLVES IT ALL!
My post yesterday was dedicated to getting rid of most of the functions of local government and putting the focus on individual responsibility. Instead of the lieberals taxing and spending, we will have good old Republican/conservative self-reliance: the lowest property taxes in the U.S. and almost no spending.
The plan is summarized by the acronym, YOYO! YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN!
Now don't get too excited. We are not going to leave you entirely on your own. If you are a blastocyst or fetus, we are very concerned about you. We will introduce laws for your protection and charity and moral lectures for your mom.
After you're born, however, YOYO! No health care, food stamps, Nada from us Republicans. Double nada if you are an immigrant. Nothing until you reach the age of 18. Then we become interested in you again. Unless you are a wealthy Republican like Cheney who has better things to do with his time than join the military.
Now after you are too old to be in the military, its back to YOYO. Lets get rid of medicare and social security. Now I support the new drug plan because it helps the drug companies and is so confusing that most of the seniors don't understand it and won't sign up for it so we won't spend as much money on it.
But back to Maplewood..you're getting your plastic snow shovel and plastic rake from the town. And that's not all---we will give you a fire extinguisher for each floor of your house every two years. You can see where this is leading so I won't belabor the point.
RESULT: NO MORE COMPLAINING ABOUT HIGH PROPERTY TAXES!
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 302
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 9, 2006 - 8:16 pm: |
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In the next couple of days, I will piece together the last parts of my plan to remake Maplewood government. Today, I will address the recreation fields and the library.
Recreation fields are a waste of space and a waste of an economic resource. What to do? Sell the fields to developers for townhouses. Should our kids have recreation space? Of course. Now what we will do is use Millburn's fields. We will put our kids on the NJ Tran. jitneys and take them to Millburn. Let them off a couple of blocks from the fields and no one will know they are not from Millburn. If anyone asks where they live, our kids can say they live south of Millburn Avenue which is the poor side of Millburn.
I got this idea from the conservatives in Mississippi who used to take their welfare recepients and put them on buses with one-way tickets to New York where the welfare payments were higher than those in Mississippi.
Now by implementing the plans in my prior posts, we can sell the fire stations, the ball fields and the public works department. Profits will be used to give refunds to Maplewood homeowners.
We will keep the vest-pocket park across from the movie house because I am sure you are going to want to have a space to erect a statue of me.
Most of the residents will get a check in the amount of $10,000. But if you live in the Ridgewood Avenue part of town or own one of the large houses on Prospect, you will get a check for $100,000. That is because the people in the large houses will probably get hit with the death tax and its only fair that we should compensate them for this injustice. So I don't want lieberals complaining that this plan will cause poor people to make up the difference that the rich aren't going to pay.
Now for the library. Sorry L.L. but they are obsolete. Anyone who needs a book can now download it on the net. Libraries were used by kids to read and assemble research material. No more. The kids now use the computers to download, copy and paste. No need to even read the stuff anymore.
An example of this was when I assigned a paper to my American History students with specific topics. I got a paper that included information about John Adams the Cairn Terrior that won a regional kennel contest.
We will need a couple of reference librarians and a cubicle for them but that can be found in the former location of Ralph's Luncheonette.
What to do with the libraries? The Maplecrest one can be used as a walk-in medical clinic. The one by the rr tracks, I want to have first dibs on. I will build the largest nail salon in the U.S. 20 CHAIRS, NO WAITING.
On the front wall, I will hang an H.D. projection screen that will be larger than the one in Bunny's. That way, my customers can watch The O'Reilly Factor.
On the back wall, I was going to hang a large photo of the 9/11 widows so my customers can throw darts at it. But since the reception Ann Coulter got from criticizing the widows, I better just place a picture of Bill Clinton shaking hands with Jimmy Carter to throw darts at.
Anyway, I hoped to get pl's from libertarians, conservatives and Republicans who want to complement me and offer support but I haven't gotten any. As for the lieberals who are sending me hate messages, I have only one thing to say: "Back to you."
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anon
Supporter
Username: Anon
Post Number: 2770
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Friday, June 9, 2006 - 11:31 pm: |
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You lost my vote when you posted:
I left South Orange out of the border check because the people from South Orange are kinda just like us.
Proves that you're just another wishy-washy liberal. |
Scully
Citizen
Username: Scully
Post Number: 600
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 10:25 am: |
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If you only knew... |
John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 305
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, June 10, 2006 - 10:58 am: |
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Aw common, Anon. One little section outa 1,500 words of pure conservative/libertairan genius and you're gonna dump on me?
Look at our Decider-in-Chief. He does everything right by the conservative book and he gets hammered because he increased the national debt. Look at all the good he has done for family values and supporting the economy with the trickle-down effects of his tax breaks so the rich people can spend their money and make for jobs for the poor amongst us.
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John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 307
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 1:41 pm: |
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To conclude my postings on the question of whether I should run against Jamie, I will today, address the topic of education. Again, in accordance with the principles of conservative thought, the plan will serve to downsize government, reduce taxes and pass as much burden on other (particularly poorer) people as possible.
First of all we are going to close the public schools because they are no longer needed. After all, we have the internet. To make this attractive, everyone who agrees to keep their kids home, gets a free Dell computer and broadband connection on the town. Don't worry about needing teachers to show kids how to use the net. They show each other.
If google, Yahoo and wikipedia don't do enough for your kids, there will be teachers outsourced from India at five percent of the cost of our present teachers who, I understand, are now among the lowest paid in the county but I can't take credit for that.
In other words, we are going to high tech home schooling. Before you get nervous, remember that the first Republican President, Abe Lincoln was home schooled and he showed smarts.
(Except for the time he was working as a store clerk and walked 26 miles in the snow to return three cents change to a customer he overchared. A good Republican today would just pocket the money).
Also, Jesus, of W.W.J.D. fame was home schooled. Now all information we have shows that he was pretty smart without the benefit of the people of Nazareth spending thousands of bucks on his education.
(Except when he answered Pilate straight instead of lying to him like any reasonable Republican today would do).
If any parent refuses the home school stuff, they can have their kid sent to Irvington or Union. But their taxes will be higher than those who just take the computer.
BUT HERE'S THE BEST PART: Even though we will have to pay an out-of-district tuition to the receiving district, we won't be hit with the benefits and retirement costs of the receiving district's teachers. Let the taxpayers in Irvington pay for our kids education -- if required.
Also, we won't have to worry about kids coming from other communities to soak up our education benefits.
BUT IT GETS EVEN BETTER: Now that the schools are closed, we can remodel them and use them for senior citizens housing. No, not for our seniors but for seniors from other municipalities. You see, every town has to provide for low income housing. Some towns haven't fulfilled their responsibility. So we can charge those towns every year for letting them send their senior citizens to our formal school buildings.
Thus, you can see I have outlined my proposal to turn Maplewood into a profit making enterprise.
Again, I ask, should I run against Jamie? |
GOP Man
Citizen
Username: Headsup
Post Number: 399
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 4:35 pm: |
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I think you're on to something, but we shouldn't close the schools. We just shouldn't force people without kids to pay for them. I suggest you run on a platform of making property taxes dependent on how many children a family has. Let's say for argument's sake that you have no children. You'd have to pay a base amount of perhaps $2K per annum in property taxes. But the formula is different if you have children. If it costs $14K per year to educate each student in our district, that's how much a family pays per kid. $28K for 2 kids, $42K for 3 kids, etc. The beauty of this plan is threefold. First off, those of us without kids get an 80-90% property tax break, and we aren't stuck with the bill of paying to educate the results of other people's lack of procreational discipline. Second, it will perhaps force some bit of discipline on others who want to have kids. They'll have to ask themselves if they want a child enough to pay $14K per year for that kid. Lastly, it will raise achievement scores in our schools, because families will have to be particularly upscale to live in our town. It's win-win-win! |
John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 313
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 5:35 pm: |
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Thanks, GOP Man. I like the idea of taxation based on usage. Kinda like the tolls on the Parkway. You don't use it, you don't pay the tax.
Now, applying this to Mapl. It will be difficult to get the pro-school crowd to support this but in an earlier post on this thread, I talked about the fire department.
Why not tax people in town based on the number of fires they plan to have in their house per year? Decade? It would be like in Philadelphia before Ben Franklin where you paid for a fire plaque and the fire was only put out if you had the plaque on your house.
No Plaque, S.O.L.
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tom
Citizen
Username: Tom
Post Number: 5083
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 7:46 pm: |
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But what about crime? By that token, if you've got better stuff to steal then you'd have to pony up more for police protection. That's clearly going to work against your higher-earning Republican households. Your solution? |
John Caffrey
Citizen
Username: Jerseyjack
Post Number: 315
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 12, 2006 - 8:08 pm: |
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Tom, Many rich people already do pay more for protection because they have better, more attractive and valuable stuff to protect. They buy alarms, hire security and so forth. This is a form of privatization. I live in what is probably one of the lowest valued houses in Mapl. We have never had a burgler alarm and my only concern is for physical protection, not protection of valuables. |
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