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Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 4048
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 1:24 pm: |     |
Not sure if this should be under 'Please Help,' or here but, How do you keep someone you don't want to attend a Memorial Service from attending without causing a scene. One of my father's cousins who has been making our life difficult since my father died about ten days ago knows we do not want him at the Memorial Service next week.
Despite this we've been told he plans to show up anyway. Nobody wants to say anything because they feel a Church is a public place and anyone who wants to has the right to be there. I am saying this doesn't sound right. That people make a donation (pay) to the Church when they have a wedding, Baptism, Funeral etc. That the service we're having is not part of a regularly scheduled Mass. Therefore, we should have a say on who can or cannot attend.
Calling and speaking with the Priest is not an option. I've already told my sisters if this cousin shows up intoxicated I plan to walk out of the Church, get in my car and go home. This cousin gets nasty when he's been drinking. His wife is just as bad. Not counting grandchildren; with the exception of my brother, sisters and me, my father has no other immediate (as in blood related) family but this cousin (and a second cousin who is the troublemaker one's brother). |
Scrotis Lo Knows
Citizen
Username: Scrotisloknows
Post Number: 759
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 2:19 pm: | |
Two options-have family members guard the entrance. If they show up tanked then at least you can catch them at the door thus diverting a potential distruption of the service. The other would be just to turn your other cheek and let them attend, knowing you never have to lay eyes on them again.
Have you ever thought about laying ground rules for them? You can basically tell them you want no problems or you they will be asked to leave. You should tell as many of fellow attenders of this issue so they know the deal before hand.
Just some thoughts, take em or leave em...
Oh, I am sorry to hear about your dad, my prayers to you. |
Joe
Citizen
Username: Gonets
Post Number: 1160
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 2:51 pm: | |
I agree with Scrotis. Well said.
Sorry for your troubles JTA. |
Scrotis Lo Knows
Citizen
Username: Scrotisloknows
Post Number: 764
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 2:59 pm: | |
JTA-
I had similar types of realtives....nothing wrong with pulling a Clint Eastwood now and then...stand your ground!  |
The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 1577
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:09 pm: | |
since the memorial service is not for you but a relative that you share with this cousin, he should be able to attend with or without your permission. if you dont want to see him, dont go. maybe he wants to mourn and/or celebrate the deceased's life just as much as you. of course, if he shows up inebriated and causes a disturbance then you should absolutely have him removed. |
Richard Steele
Citizen
Username: Brookwood
Post Number: 68
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:34 pm: | |
since the memorial service is not for you but a relative that you share with this cousin, he should be able to attend with or without your permission.
It would probably be hard for him to give his permission if the memorial WAS for him.
It's his dad's memorial and he has the right to make that type of decision. |
Richard Steele
Citizen
Username: Brookwood
Post Number: 69
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:35 pm: | |
sorry. Her
|
The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 1581
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 4:02 pm: | |
i dont mean to be insensitive but it seems selfish to keep someone from attending a familiy members memorial service just because you dont like him. if he creates a scene, then yes, remove him immediately,otherwise he should be able to attend and mourn his family member.
It would probably be hard for him to give his permission if the memorial WAS for him.
actually it happens quite often. my uncle, for example, expressly noted in his will that he didnt want his estranged sister at his funeral or memorial service. then again, he was always a mean and bitter guy who loved a grudge. |
Scrotis Lo Knows
Citizen
Username: Scrotisloknows
Post Number: 766
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 5:25 pm: | |
The more I think about it the more I think JTA should let her relatives come and give it over with. After that, good riddance! |
Joe R.
Citizen
Username: Ragnatela
Post Number: 279
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:17 pm: | |
You have no say over who can and cannot enter a Church. This is not the Women's Club that you rent out for a few hours, it's a house of worship. Everyone is allowed to worship. |
Montagnard
Citizen
Username: Montagnard
Post Number: 1886
Registered: 6-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 10:47 pm: | |
Hold a private service. Hire some guards. Only admit people that are on the list. This is an important moment and you have a right to experience it without the nagging fear of obnoxious behavior from a known troublemaker. |
Brett Weir
Citizen
Username: Brett_weir
Post Number: 1240
Registered: 4-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 12:01 am: | |
JTA- I've lost both parents in recent years and know how you feel, but wakes/funerals almost always require a little tolerance among family members. Irish-Cathloic ones (like ours) sometimes require actual cease-fires. My siblings and I had our own feelings about some of the mourners but we let our prevailing theme be "what would Dad and Mom want". It wasn't always easy but we were gratifed later that we let old feuds lay.
Funerals are a tricky thing. My best advice is to let the offending relative come, but agree with your siblings to handle any indiscretions calmly, directly and collectively. Consider it a silent tribute to your Dad. And again, my Deepest Sympathies. |
CFA
Citizen
Username: Cfa
Post Number: 1573
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 2:36 am: | |
"I've already told my sisters if this cousin shows up intoxicated I plan to walk out of the Church, get in my car and go home."
Now what good would that do? You're there for your father and that's the only reason. If you did what you said you'd do, that would be VERY childish. |
Kibbegirl
Citizen
Username: Kibbegirl
Post Number: 367
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:37 am: | |
Not wanting someone whose a known trouble maker and a drunk at her father's memorial service does not make Just the Aunt "childish". This is her father's Memorial for goodness sake! She should have the right to grieve in peace among family members who loved him and respect him as much as she does. The credo that "family is family no matter what" is ridiculous to me. Family can hurt, embarrass and destruct more than a stranger. If Just the Aunt does not want this man there causing a scene and disturbing the peace, then she should have the right not to have him there. |
tulip
Citizen
Username: Braveheart
Post Number: 3214
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 10:41 am: | |
Why not have a separate, somewhat impromptu gathering after the gathering, where your close friends and family can get together minus the ones you don't want? Have them over to your house, or a religious setting, or whatever you choose.
|
Duncan
Supporter
Username: Duncanrogers
Post Number: 5764
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:39 am: | |
Kibbie...that is not what CFA was suggesting. I think you misread the post. There is no easy answer, and I would certainly used different language than CFA, but the point is that if this relative arrives drunk and JTA leaves the service who actually "wins"?
It is terrifically hard. At my fathers funeral service one of my cousins came over to me immediately after the service and said "you can use this in your acting though, right?"
Insensitivity is abundant.
JTA...for what it is worth, lay your father to rest. If there is any sort of disturbance from this relative, believe me the officiant or other leader of the church will deal with it. Having a unified emergency plan is not a bad idea, however it is important to remember that this other person most likely deals with grief in a completely different way than you do.
My condolences in any event. |
CFA
Citizen
Username: Cfa
Post Number: 1575
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 4:54 am: | |
Thank you for clearing that up Duncan. That's exactly what I meant.
Kibbe...I agree with you. She should be able to grieve in peace, but as Duncan stated, if she left the funeral, who wins? |
Scully
Citizen
Username: Scully
Post Number: 166
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 7:14 am: | |
I would ask the Funeral Director. They must have experienced this before and would probably be able to say what would work best. |
mtierney
Citizen
Username: Mtierney
Post Number: 902
Registered: 3-2001
| | Posted on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 12:24 pm: | |
On a somewhat related circumstance, I attended a beautiful, elegant wedding a few years ago in an historic little church in lower Manhattan. A very drunk, homeless woman wandered in to the church and sat down in the rear. She then proceeded to cough her lungs up during the entire ceremony, while commenting loudly. You could hardly hear what was being said. No one appeared up to the scene which was anticipated by trying to encourage the woman to leave. It is a public place. They figured a ruckus would be worse and the police arriving would be a bit much too! She did not attend the reception which was at the WTC's Windows on the World.
Back to this post, I think the the best approach is to have someone posted at the door who can determine if the cousin is drunk. If he is, then he should be denied entry. (Could get ugly, however.) If not, I would let him attend. Afterwards, of course, there is no obligation for him to join the family at a home or restaurant gathering.
I don't think leaving the funeral as a protest is a good idea - you will regret it later. The drunk won't even "get it".
|
Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 4068
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Monday, February 20, 2006 - 11:52 pm: | |
CFA
For you information NONE of my siblings, nor my mother want this cousin at the service for my father's Memorial Service. Problem is when my sister, who has been acting as the go between because too many of us were calling the hospital and doctors while my father was in the hospital, told him this he started to harass her.
One more thing this 'person' has done. He was suppose to be taking care of my father's cats while he was in the hospital. After he passed away, I asked about the cats because I was going to try to find a home for them. Cousin told us not to worry about them. He would keep them. Well guess what? In order to get back at us he had them put down.
My reason for telling my sister if my cousin showed up drunk I was leaving is because I know a major scene will occur if he starts trouble. I don't want any part of it.
My mom will kill me for posting this but... There's some more to this I haven't posted. I need to think about this before I post further information. I have concerns if I do share this people will look at me as if I and my family is trash, which we are not. And I do not want my father to look bad either. I don't care what people think of me. However, I do care what people think about my mom. |
Greeneyes
Citizen
Username: Greeneyes
Post Number: 750
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 2:18 am: | |
JTA-
You don't owe anyone here an explanation.
This is a tough time for you and your family. The issues with your father's cousin compound that. I'm sorry for that.
I have a few family members who are straight up bad. I stay away from them and I keep my children away from them. It's sad, but neccesary. So I understand how hurtful and frustrating this is for you.
My advice for the memorial- Since you said the gathering of mourners will be small, and your father had no other blood relations, would it be possible to change the time of the memorial service and not tell the cousin? That sounds cruel, but if the man won't respect the request of the immediate family, then perhaps that's what he deserves. |
CFA
Citizen
Username: Cfa
Post Number: 1577
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 3:48 am: | |
JTA,
I can totally understand you and your WHOLE family not wanting this guy at the service, but in my opinion, by you getting up in the middle of the service to leave will cause more of a scene than that relative being there. Hey, it's your gig, do as you please and good luck. I'm sure it'll all work out. |
Deidra
Citizen
Username: Deidralynn
Post Number: 493
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 9:29 am: | |
JTA,
My condolences to you.
I believe you will never be judged harshly because of venting about situations in your extended family which you have no control over.
No family is perfect. In the situation of my dad's funeral years back, my mom had similar feelings about my dad's family (and believe me, it ran DEEP). My mom made sure that she, my siblings and I (17 at the time), HELD OUR COMPOSURE throughout the service - as well as the ride in the limo. Keeping your head straight, and maintaining your presence (in the event something arises) is the best tribute you can give to your dad. Let the organizers handle any unexpected behavior. Try to contain yourself during the service and then walk away - knowing you were there to honor your dad (and be there for your mom), and that's all that really matters in the end. Peace to you and your mom and siblings. |
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