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Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 5390
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 4:48 pm: | 
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I'm having a debate with a soon to be ex friend over what I consider something to be very stupid. I recently became friendly again with someone I hadn't had contact with in more then twenty years. (he initiated the contact, not me) In the past six months or so we've gotten together maybe four times. We tend to communicate through email, vs talking on the phone; something that a couple of my other friends and I do!
A few times since we've been back in touch, he has invited me over to his apartment to 'meet his dog' and to see what he's been up to over the past twenty-plus years. Each time I have declined. As a result yesterday he told me
"If someone won't visit me where I live then I have no reason to honor their friendship because it shows that they don't trust me."
Not that I owed him an explanation over my choices, I responded I have close years long friendships with several people who have been to my home; but whose homes I have never been to as well as some who have not been to my house but I've been to theirs. I also informed him I have friends I meet different places but have never been to thier place or them to mine. It's never been a big deal.
I also pointed out he lives in a two floor walk up with no parking nearby. He knows full well I have difficulty with stairs and that there are times I get easily winded (such as in weather like this).
He also seems to forget he's recently ended a seven year plus relationship with someone who is psycho and has not only trashed his apartment more then once, she tried to kill him more then once. Her own family has restraining orders against her.
To me, it's his loss if friendship to him is based on whether or not one goes to his apartment; considering, according to him he really doesn't have any friends. I'm just curious I guess if others out there have friends whose homes they've never been to or are some of my friends and I just strange.
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LilLB
Citizen
Username: Lillb
Post Number: 1805
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 5:22 pm: |
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My unprofessional opinion:
Sounds like he's testing you to see if you're serious about your friendship with him (in a very immature way) and that he's very insecure about what others think of him. Sounds like he's trying to avoid the hurt of finding out later, after he's invested himself in friendship again with you, that you really don't want to be his friend. Hurts less if he cuts ties with you now and blames you for it.
No matter how you slice it, I would just take a moment to think about what YOU want -- do you want to be friends with him or work to overcome this insecurity he has. No right or wrong there, just determine what you want.
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Joanne G
Citizen
Username: Joanne
Post Number: 211
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 7:41 pm: |
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seems an odd thing to base a friendship on, in my humble.... look at me and Nancy - never met, but (hopefully) are great friends!
Seriously, to me good friends are people who can come and go in your life but it's like they're walking from room to room - the conversations may stop and start but their presence doesn't really vanish. I know this sounds a little confusing. Umm...I have friends I've been really close to, then we've drifted apart, lsot touch, never heard from over years then suddenly foudn ech other again and the pattern has resumed yet it doesn't hurt our pride nor our opinion of each other. These are people I respect deeply, and I would rush to help if I ever heard they needed help. Regardless of whether we're in touch at the time that I hear they need help.
Example: I don't have a passport. I don't have much in savings. Disaster hits Nancy, I'm instantly trying to find a way to her house regardless of how I get to the US.
Your friend is just trying it on for his own reasons, you don't need to play his game. |
red
Citizen
Username: Redy67
Post Number: 5823
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 8:02 pm: |
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Everyone has their own little quirks. If he means that much to you, go with it, be patient. Like Joanne said, you have many friends you drift in and out of your life...take your time, see what lies ahead. |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1976
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 8:03 pm: |
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Just the,
A friend is someone that you never doubt or dis, even when they are acting squirrely.
This quote:
Quote:He also seems to forget he's recently ended a seven year plus relationship with someone who is psycho and has not only trashed his apartment more then once, she tried to kill him more then once. Her own family has restraining orders against her.
Makes me think that you don't honor him as a friend either.
Just my opinion. I have plenty of disagreements with my good/bestest friends, but I don't judge them and I'd never post their dirty laundry on a message board - unless the friendship was completely over.
I think you answered your own question. |
Brett Weir
Citizen
Username: Brett_weir
Post Number: 1644
Registered: 4-2004
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 8:48 pm: |
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Friends don't require lengthy explanations; they rarely require any at all. |
Soparents
Citizen
Username: Soparents
Post Number: 1125
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 9:30 pm: |
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JTA, a true friend stands the test of time. They are someone who you may see once a decade and within seconds it's as though you have never been apart. A true friend will tell you when you are being a prat and pick you up when you fall, a true friend rarely questions why you need help, instead offering it before you ask. A true friend is someone who comes to you with no conditions or expections.
Long winded explanation? Maybe, but I look at the "True Friends" I have in my life, some of which I speak to twice a year as they are in England, some I haven't seen for 6 years, some more, and without exception each one is described above, and I know in turn I am the same for them.
For someone to "Apparently" want to test you as to the quality of your friendship? I would think long and hard about that one....
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Southerner
Citizen
Username: Southerner
Post Number: 1142
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 9:30 pm: |
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Run! |
Monster©
Supporter
Username: Monster
Post Number: 3628
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Friday, June 16, 2006 - 9:37 pm: |
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You have told me of this friend before, and to me it sounds like you shouldn't go over to his apartment, but meet in a comfortable public location, and then when and if you feel comfortable about it, go to his apartment or he to your house.
20 years is a long time and who knows how a person has changed (or how they were then and you may not have known), he could be a serial killer for all you know, a sadistic monster, a women beater, a rapist, etc., it's better safe than sorry, or worse.
And with the comment he made, I would tell him exactly how you feel about it, and explain your feelings in a rational truthful way, what he decides to do then may very well help you in seeing what kind of man he really is, or how cunning and devious he is, that's your choice to make.
I know how sometimes ones choices are not the best when the relationship is theirs, and find that it is for the most part a good thing to listen to what others that are close to you have to say about it, if they have had ample time to meet and get a solid opinion of the other person.
This doesn't mean you have do what they suggest, but please listen to them and weigh what they have to say carefully, I've seen too many times where one person in a relationship will lament later, "if I had only listened to my family/brothers/sisters/friends/co-workers/etc."
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CFA
Citizen
Username: Cfa
Post Number: 1651
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 5:16 am: |
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"They are someone who you may see once a decade and within seconds it's as though you have never been apart"
This is so true!! |
ajc
Citizen
Username: Ajc
Post Number: 5236
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 11:16 am: |
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"If someone won't visit me where I live then I have no reason to honor their friendship..."
IMHO, IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON FAST AND DON'T TURN BACK! |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 8094
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 1:17 pm: |
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If you have to ask.... |
mlj
Citizen
Username: Mlj
Post Number: 277
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 10:22 pm: |
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JTA - based on your post, it appears to me that you know how to assess the situation. Trust your instincts. |
Psychomom
Citizen
Username: Psychomom
Post Number: 183
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 3:10 pm: |
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JTA
Your original question I believe was whether we had friends that have never been inside our houses and vice versa, my answer is yes.
Particularly friends from work. We hang out every day at work so we seldom socialize at each others houses.
Also at one point or another, you just go to whoever has the more accommodating house, ie the right amount of room, kid friendly etc. |
mammabear
Citizen
Username: Mammabear
Post Number: 327
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 10:05 am: |
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JTA- SOparents said it perfectly...friend are there for you no matter what. They are there for you no matter what the situation, even if they don't agree with you, what you're doing, whatever. A true friend is also someone who, even if you don't sopeak to that often, picks up right where you left off. They do not judge, but offer support.
My recent experience with some of my closest friends has been quite an eye-opener. Some people are just incapable of being a true friend. You cannot change this...all you can do is make the evaluation and adjust your expectations and set your own boundaries.
Good luck and follow your instincts... |
Scully
Citizen
Username: Scully
Post Number: 691
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, June 28, 2006 - 10:33 am: |
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' I'm just curious I guess if others out there have friends whose homes they've never been to...'
Absolutely! Friendship is between PEOPLE. IMHO I would not be alone with this guy if I were you. He's setting off too many alarms. |
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