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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9266
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 8:31 pm: | 
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Man, this is great.
How many times have we non-parents been beaten down for daring to express a thought about a child's behavior in public. Castigated, villified, demonized, you name it.
But, the truth is out! We are not the problem. We make no parenting mistakes. Given what's going on over in the "Venting" thread, I can only say that we are superior.
They are in all-out warfare, those parenting types. Good parent. Bad parent. Evil parent. Superior parent. Whew. I just hope, for the kids' sakes that none of them are alligators...
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Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Citizen
Username: Casey
Post Number: 2395
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 8:38 pm: |
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wrong.
it has nothing to do with parenting skills. all the arguing is just proxy for disapproving of somebody's politics.
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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9267
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 8:43 pm: |
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My point, exactly! We don't use our children as fronts for political warfare.
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Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 935
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:05 pm: |
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we should start a club ! |
Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 936
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:07 pm: |
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we should start a club ! |
Soparents
Supporter
Username: Soparents
Post Number: 2834
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:19 pm: |
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Can I join - can I bring the kids?
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Cynicalgirl
Citizen
Username: Cynicalgirl
Post Number: 3130
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:22 pm: |
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Can I join if I promise not to bring the kid? I wouldn't want her to hear the adult conversation... |
Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Citizen
Username: Casey
Post Number: 2397
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:48 pm: |
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leave the kid in the car. with power tools. |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 4434
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 9:58 pm: |
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And drugs and alcohol! |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9274
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:07 pm: |
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What say we throw all the kids in a pot and draw them at random. I could handle trying it for a couple days. But I'm giving mine back.....
Is it wrong to give a child a White Russian? It's got milk in it..... |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 4438
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:11 pm: |
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Not if YOU don't think it's wrong, Greenetree.
Beer's got grains in it!
You can borrow mine any day of the week. No need to draw at random.
Should be cake for you with all those brothers! |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9277
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:27 pm: |
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OK. Should I give them the WRs in front of other parents or do I sneak it into their lunch boxes? What is the most effective way to get parenting tips and helpful advice from other parents?
I think the brothers may have been easier to control as children....  |
mem
Citizen
Username: Mem
Post Number: 6647
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:30 pm: |
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Teach em how to use a cork screw. Red wine is good for their little hearts and early cholesterol build up.
Dress em up in little butler outfits and send them over to Matt Foley's for training.
I'll take two, preferably trained to open mail, vacumn, balance checkbooks and pick up dry cleaning. Thanks! |
doulamomma
Citizen
Username: Doulamomma
Post Number: 1787
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:42 pm: |
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is dark beer better for them? you know, like whole wheat bread? |
Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Citizen
Username: Casey
Post Number: 2401
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:48 pm: |
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Everclear. when they spill, it doesn't stain the rugs. |
doulamomma
Citizen
Username: Doulamomma
Post Number: 1788
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:54 pm: |
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brilliant, doctor! |
Dr. Winston O'Boogie
Citizen
Username: Casey
Post Number: 2404
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:56 pm: |
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thank you.
Everclear and power tools. It's the philosophy that won me my first Father of the Year award. |
doulamomma
Citizen
Username: Doulamomma
Post Number: 1790
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 10:59 pm: |
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mem,
"pick up dry cleaning"...clever - if they are picking it up, as opposed to staying in the car, no worries! |
mem
Citizen
Username: Mem
Post Number: 6648
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 11:23 pm: |
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Well, I was confused by that dry cleaning thread myself. Why bother to even go to the cleaners with them? Teach the little ones to drive, and how to deal with payment methods. That way, relax at home watching the cooking network while the children run weekend errands. Did you know that watching cooking channels reduces stress by 40%?
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The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 2057
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 11:38 pm: |
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http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/1285/sprogop.html |
doulamomma
Citizen
Username: Doulamomma
Post Number: 1791
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, August 29, 2006 - 11:49 pm: |
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I'm sending mine to massage school... |
Cynicalgirl
Citizen
Username: Cynicalgirl
Post Number: 3134
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 6:30 am: |
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I'd always heard that dark beer was good for nursing mothers, so why wouldn't it be good for kids? Calms them down, too. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9280
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 7:16 am: |
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More efficient, too. Eliminates the middleman, as it were. |
Soparents
Supporter
Username: Soparents
Post Number: 2836
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 8:49 am: |
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Look you'd better book this get together soon if you want me to come without kids. I've left them up the chimney cleaning, and told them that there is beer in the fridge and the oldest knows how to use the bottle opener.
There are chips and dip too, so no-one can call me a bad parent.
So, where is it?
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Hoops
Citizen
Username: Hoops
Post Number: 2005
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:07 am: |
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I am appalled, outraged, scandalized. The sentiment on this thread is dispicable. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
greenetree - my kid will be over around 6ish. Vodka is ok but he doesnt tolerate too much whiskey. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9282
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:28 am: |
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LIbby's website actually has some funny stuff on it.
For Example:
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for potential parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.
1. Women: to prepare for materinity, put on a bathrobe and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it -- it'll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2 a.m. and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4 a.m. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First, buy an octopus and a drawstring bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed: all morning.
6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy a Plymouth Voyager. And don't think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child -- a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy cereal and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the cereal is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month-old baby.
12. Learn the names of every character from Blue's Clues, Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing "I Love You, You Love Me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.
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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9283
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:29 am: |
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Hoops - if you give a kid vodka, is their pee clear? Also, please send along the power tools. I don't like to share mine.
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Hoops
Citizen
Username: Hoops
Post Number: 2008
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:37 am: |
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we are going for competitive advantage these days so I will also drop off my syringe with the steroids and human growth hormone. Remember no hgh until after lunchtime cocktails. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9285
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:39 am: |
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Lunch? I thought it was a 6p drop-off. How long do I have to keep the little bugger? |
Hoops
Citizen
Username: Hoops
Post Number: 2010
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:46 am: |
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I didnt tell you? He's 14. Keep him till you get tired. |
Crazy_quilter
Citizen
Username: Crazy_quilter
Post Number: 410
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 9:55 am: |
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it really is a shame that the non-superior people reproduce and pass on their genes (and by having children we prove that we are non-superior and should have our heads examined), and the superior people don't pass on their genes, so humans just get stupider and stupider... |
mamatamu
Citizen
Username: Mamatamu
Post Number: 166
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 12:59 pm: |
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well greentree, I'll make sure not to put you on my child's emergency contact list this year |
Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 937
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 1:15 pm: |
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crazy, not to worry...i donate my superior genes to a sperm bank so humans get a little smarter. |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 4445
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 4:08 pm: |
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Greenetree, those things you posted from the website Libby suggested are totally, completely SPOT ON!
My particular favorite, and the one most apropos to this thread: #2! |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 9293
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 5:45 pm: |
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Mama - am I still on there? I don't think that you have my current work number.
You have to read the Venting thread if you can stomach it; otherwise this thread is no fun. |
Lord Pabulum
Citizen
Username: Lord_pabulum
Post Number: 64
Registered: 7-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 5:57 pm: |
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Crazy_q,
proof of what you say is evident everyday.
My father was a proper lord and I'm a wastepaper basket. |
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