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aquaman
Supporter
Username: Aquaman
Post Number: 634
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, December 24, 2005 - 10:09 pm: |     |
Well, because Aquaman is finally ready to announce his new religion, and it's sure to attract many brilliant, ethnically diverse superstars to Maplewood.
It called "Aquamanism" (officially called "The Church of Homo Di-Oxy-Hyrdrate" or Homo D'Oh!), the religion worships the one true God: Water.
Water. The very essense of life. Three crazy little molecules, sort of a menage-a-trios, if you will. Which, incidentally, is part of the worship ritual.
We have the Trinity: God the Solid, God the Fluid, and God the Holy Vapor. Each is completely separate, yet completely one.
Our God cannot be destroyed. Our God constantly washes his love over us. Sometimes, he gets mad (what God doesn't?) and wreaks a little havok (Tsunamis, Hurricanes) but he always forgives. He always rises to his level, seeking the lower ground, then "lifting all the boats".
Oh yes, make no mistake, the thing that gave us life, from whence we were born, the water is God.
Why is NASA so damned intent on looking for water on Mars? Exactly!
What element flooded the earth in the Judeo-Christian tradition, but God himself, water. Who erased those nasty woolly mammoths? God the solid.
And who doesn't love a good schfitz? Steam power, clouds, or as we refer to him, "His Holy Gasseousness."
We hold Thursdays as the sabbath, usually in the evenings. We partake in communion with our God by ingesting our God (not unlike other major religions) but we have a recipe that includes hops and barley or the filtration through grape plants - depends on which species you prefer.
The earth is 98% water. Man is 98% water. We are created in God's image, we are made from divine substance, and through the respect of others, by sharing, protecting, and honoring the water we enhance the human experience. We promote love of all people, because they're 98% god. We mock institutionalized religion because it causes barriers and divisions and hate and fear and ignorance and bigotry and prejudice and killing and war and that is not very divine, now is it?
We mock no people, only their religions. We hope eventually all people will treat all humans the same way they would treat their gods.
This is the Dawning of the Age of Aquamanism.
Oh, and I get to declare my house a church and save on the $22K in taxes too! Bonus! |
anon
Supporter
Username: Anon
Post Number: 2444
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, December 24, 2005 - 10:26 pm: | |
You also get to hang out on MOL on Christmas Eve, not like the adherents of the majority religion. |
Mayor McCheese
Supporter
Username: Mayor_mccheese
Post Number: 742
Registered: 7-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 1:01 am: | |
Suddenly, it all makes sense.
I always wondered about starting my own religion. I was going to call it the "Church of Good People Who Do Nice Things". But, I will worship water instead. Sounds good to me, you can count me in. |
Lizziecat
Citizen
Username: Lizziecat
Post Number: 997
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 8:39 am: | |
We can all be water brothers. Never thirst! |
FlyingSpaghettiMonst
Citizen
Username: Noodlyappendage
Post Number: 17
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 9:40 am: | |
www.venganza.org |
Joan
Supporter
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 6831
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 10:40 am: | |
Today must be a holy day for the adherents of Aquamanism since it is supposed to rain heavenly water all afternoon and into the evening hours.
Happy holiday! |
Case
Citizen
Username: Case
Post Number: 917
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 11:00 am: | |
I know this is a terrible thing to say, but this whole thread makes as much sense as the invisible-fence-around-Maplewood thing... |
Dan Shelffo
Citizen
Username: Openspacer
Post Number: 173
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 11:00 am: | |
While Aquamanism may attract many brilliant, ethnically diverse superstars to Maplewood, I am sure it will also attract many critics and detractors to MOL.
There is already precedent for anti-water sentiment, most notably lead by W.C. Fields who was not only anti-water but anti-religion as well.
Here are some of his quotes on the subject:
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
Water rusts pipes. (His reasoning for not drinking water)
"Fish f*ck in it."(Another reason for not drinking water)
...more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
I am not endorsing Mr. Fields views nor am I espousing Aquamanism. I am just trying to point out that there are opposing views on every subject, especially here on MOL which is why it generates over one million page views a month.
Merry Christmas to All!
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anon
Supporter
Username: Anon
Post Number: 2447
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 12:39 pm: | |
Water is OK, but remember every Jewish holiday begins with the blessing over wine! |
Jonathan Teixeira
Citizen
Username: Jhntxr
Post Number: 335
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 1:31 pm: | |
Aquaman will turn the wine into water . You must believe..... |
sbenois
Supporter
Username: Sbenois
Post Number: 14367
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 1:40 pm: | |
Aquaman is a false God.
Prince Namor, the Sub-Mariner, is the Ruler of the Seas |
Fight the power
Citizen
Username: Tookiew
Post Number: 10
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 5:54 pm: | |
Aquamanism is all wet. Just what we need - a program to deliberately attract even more freaks to Maplewood - anyone perusing this Board knows we have enough already. What not just invite Sri Rama Lama Ding Dong here as well? |
aquaman
Supporter
Username: Aquaman
Post Number: 635
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 10:05 pm: | |
Congratulations to Sbenois and Tookie. Your mocking of religions is going swimmingly. Sbenois, Aquaman isn't a god (but I am flattered). Tookie, we need more people like you. Welcome to the fold.
Mayor McCheese, bless you. Next round of worship is at Bunny's. |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1520
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 25, 2005 - 11:16 pm: | |
I'm offended by the intolerance to Aquamanism and outright bigotry displayed on this thread.
Dave, for the love of all things 2 parts hydrogen and 1 part oxygen, please shut this thread down. |
sbenois
Supporter
Username: Sbenois
Post Number: 14371
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 9:54 am: | |
I humbly apologize to Aquaman and Aquamanism. I didn't mean any offense to them.
I am actually quite intrigued by Aquamanism. I think that Aquamanism is probably a more advanced religion that say Judaism when it comes to eating fish.
For instance, in Judaism for a fish to be kosher, it must have scales. But then you get some of these sneaky fish where they have scales when they're young only to fall off as they get older. So are they kosher or not?
I'll bet in Aquamanism, it just doesn't matter. That's one reason I am interested in Aquamanism.
Then there is the Thursday night sabbath idea. Not a bad idea at all. With must-see TV now a distant memory, why not use Thursday night for something constructive?
Aquaman, may I make a suggestion? It looks like next December, Ricalton Square is going to be brimming with activity.
So far:
1) a Christmas Tree -celebrating Christmas
2) a Menorah - celebrating Hanukah
3) a Creche - celebrating Christmas
4) a large display - trashing the celebration of any religious holiday on town property
May I suggest that you very quickly come up with an appropriate display for Aquamanism? There is limited space and we've not yet taken into account the room needed for the hordes of ACLU lawyers, Thomas More Center lawyers, and the TC members who are going to make sure that they stand equidistant from each display so as to not show any favoritism.
How about a super large aquarium filled with pirahna?
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Case
Citizen
Username: Case
Post Number: 919
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 10:24 am: | |
Do pirahna come in different colors? If not, I see a potential problem. |
anon
Supporter
Username: Anon
Post Number: 2453
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 11:00 am: | |
No Festivus pole!
Now you're courting a law suit! |
sbenois
Supporter
Username: Sbenois
Post Number: 14372
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 11:32 am: | |
My understanding is that the followers of Captain Christopher Pike are getting upset that they're not represented.
I received the following picture in my email. It had a caption that said "we insist on a display as well".
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sbenois
Supporter
Username: Sbenois
Post Number: 14373
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 11:49 am: | |
Dearest Anon,
We must wait for the Festivus Meal to complete first.
 |
Joan
Supporter
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 6838
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 12:43 pm: | |
How about limiting the holiday display next year to a single large mirror? That way everyone can see their own thoughts reflected in the display and nobody will be offended. |
Case
Citizen
Username: Case
Post Number: 920
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 12:56 pm: | |
Even as we speak, Joan, a coalition against shiny objects is being formed. |
Joan
Supporter
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 6839
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 1:09 pm: | |
This coalition would would protest against all of the various festivals of lights which occur at this darkest time of the year in our hemisphere?
Surely the sun worshipers and astrologers in town would take exception to such a protest. |
Case
Citizen
Username: Case
Post Number: 921
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 2:16 pm: | |
Since celebrations of light discriminate against the "sight challenged", I think its only fair that we abolish all such divisive "festivals of light".
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J. Crohn
Supporter
Username: Jcrohn
Post Number: 2275
Registered: 3-2003
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 5:13 pm: | |
Since celebrations of light are offensive to moles and shrews, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals will be bombing assorted private residences this year. (One man's terrorist is another man's mole liberator.)
But I think PETA is misguided; in fact, all of you are misguided. What you don't realize is that, in truth, all existence is an affront to Gawd, or as we Nihilists refer to the Great Non-Nothing, '---'. That's why there is death, entropy, colitis, and the gradual dissipation of the universe. Life in particular is a pollution of the Perfect; suffering is a result of the idiotic struggle to exist, a punishment designed to push us toward the Road To The Higher Plane, also known as Nothingness.
Every hangnail is a sign, if only you will learn not to ignore it. What it means is, Kill yourself now, and try not to make a mess.
Those who have looked deeply into the Mystical Real and have reached a state of enlightenment known as Deep Bidnis can attest to a blazingly obvious truth (known among adepts as the Anti-Secret): the only way to achieve Real Happiness is to cease desiring things like love, light, clean water, shelter, good health, Vietnamese spring rolls, oxygen, and the like.
Once the corrupting desires of the false world are shed, the body soon follows, and with it, human existence--which, like all living existence, is an aberration and a distraction and always involves feces. Many among the deluded believe life is "precious." On the contrary, life is not precious. Life is annoying and a pollution of '---''s ultimate purity.
This is perfectly obvious to anyone capable of thinking objectively. Does the sun care if life, let alone human life, exists? No. Does the moon? Go ahead, ask it. Do dark matter or quarks or elemental strings give a good '---'-damn whether human existence continues or is summarily snuffed out? No. And, contrary to all those silly, only slightly post-cave-man stories you've heard about the Abrahamic deity, neither does the Great Non-Nothing, whose inevitable perfection will only be achieved when we, and our sun and moon, and the dark matter, and all the quarks and strings, are blotted out of being. Erased, if you will, like old stories written on the sides of sand dunes.
So you see, only by completely eradicating the self can one be Truly Happy, for in doing so one has contributed to returning the universe to its nil, and therefore proper, state. Those who sit back and wait for '---' to eradicate all existence (an eventuality that could happen at any moment!) are only holding on to a miserable illusion and postponing the perfection of the universe. This is a great evil, and those who think having a long and healthy life is a good thing are deluded. Especially those who promulgate the silly conceit that life is worthwhile: they are what we call Enemies of '---', or Master Pollutors of the Great Non-Nothing's ineffable essence.
You may think you are happy, with your little blinking lights and candles and other symbols of life and victory emerging out of darkness and defeat. But you're not. The only Real Happiness is nothingness, sterility, and the absolute uniformity that is characteristic of True Peace. |
tulip
Citizen
Username: Braveheart
Post Number: 2898
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 5:21 pm: | |
Oh, how you've CAPTURED my every thought!!!
After all, we ALL KNOW that the only TRUE religion is ORGANIZED religion. No room for individuality or creativity. UH, UNH. Doesn't pay the rent, you know. We need MONEY, Land and POWER for OUR religion. Yes, indeed!!!
Yes we need symbols of blood, death, clothes, light sources, we need mystery, stories, creatures and weird noises. We need smoke, mirrors, blood and guts. We need rules about food, rules about standing and sitting, rules about singing and what you can say and what you can't say, because, well, we wouldn't know what to do, otherwise!!!
Now would we!!!
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Case
Citizen
Username: Case
Post Number: 922
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Monday, December 26, 2005 - 10:31 pm: | |
Hey, hey! Too much thinking, not enough breeding of new worshippers. Watch that!
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Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 11596
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 12:41 pm: | |
Welcome back, jcrohn. |
sideshowbob
Citizen
Username: Sideshowbob
Post Number: 23
Registered: 8-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 1:08 pm: | |
Does this mean the BOE has to remove all water-fountains from our schools? |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1532
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 7:50 pm: | |
Sideshowbob,
Without water all life ceases to exist.
Aquamanism supports life.
The Church of "Homo Di-Oxy-Hyrdrate" or "Homo D'Oh!" hydrates all.
Aquamanism bless. |
Cynicalgirl
Citizen
Username: Cynicalgirl
Post Number: 2137
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 27, 2005 - 7:57 pm: | |
I thought a lotta those fountains didn't work anyway. Hey! Maybe it's already happening... |
Eats Shoots & Leaves
Citizen
Username: Mfpark
Post Number: 2773
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - 9:30 am: | |
Wow! Jcrohn, that was brilliant! Impeccably tight logic.
Think I'll go kill myself right now....... |
sk8mom
Citizen
Username: Sk8mom
Post Number: 396
Registered: 11-2003
| | Posted on Friday, December 30, 2005 - 11:20 am: | |
"All we are is dust in the wind... dude." |
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