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Cherry Picker
Citizen
Username: Cherry_picker
Post Number: 3
Registered: 4-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 12:30 pm: | 
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Star Ledger
THINGS GETTING PERSONAL IN MAPLEWOOD
MAPLEWOOD –
FAKE STORY
In a bizarre twist in a smoldering local political feud, there is a controversial scandal that, for what appears to be the first time ever, actually involves a gate. Maplewood Mayor Fred Profeta calls it “Hickory-gate.”
The feud between Profeta and his political rival, Committeeman David Huemer reached new heights when Huemer allegedly drove his car into historic iron gates at the foot of Profeta’s street: Hickory Street, named for President Theodore Roosevelt, whose family owned an estate often visited by the youthful Roosevelt.
Then, when local residents thought they heard the last of the feud, it got even stranger. On Thursday afternoon, three boys playing a game of “Pepper” on Ridgewood Road hit a baseball through Mayor Fred Profeta’s bedroom window. The boys allegedly dropped their bat and fled the scene, thinking they were unseen. One of the boys was the son of – you guessed it – David Huemer. Unfortunately for the boys, there were eyewitnesses.
Risa Olinsky, a neighbor of Profeta and a political ally, saw the alleged incident. Said Olinsky, “My name is Risa Olinsky. I have never before contributed to a newspaper before, but felt compelled by recent events to describe facts that I witnessed. I was backing out of my driveway a little before 9 a.m. on Thursday, May 4, when I saw a small, whitish ball crash into the window of the Profeta home. I did not know who was hitting the ball and was concerned that the batter might be a grown-up because the collision was very loud. [First name withheld due to minor status] Huemer dropped the bat. Another neighbor and I asked him if he was the batter and Huemer said he was. The front corner of the bedroom side of Fred's window was smashed. Huemer walked to the gate previously smashed by his father and viewed the damage. He then got back onto the sidewalk and ran away.”
Olinsky’s account raised concerns that there is a concerted effort to damage Profeta’s personal property. According to Olinsky, “ At that point, I left and went to an appointment; my neighbor stayed. About 13 hours later at 10 p.m., I called my neighbor Fred Profeta to inform him what I had seen because the bedroom window is on Fred’s property. Fred said he was unaware of the accident and had not been contacted by Huemer. When I later inspected the window, I saw that the damage was extensive and that shards of glass from Fred’s window had been left on the floor and the front of the house; I walk by the house regularly and could see that the damage was new. During the week after Huemer’s “accident”, Fred told me that Huemer had still not contacted him. Later, I saw David at a SOMBI lunch event. I asked David if he had contacted Fred. David said he had not. Explaining that Fred is legally responsible for the upkeep and repair of the bedroom window, I suggested that David call Fred as soon as he left the SOMBI event. I later learned from Fred that David still did not call him but sent an email to Fred about the accident more than a day later. As a Democratic district leader, I acknowledge that I have long been a political supporter of Fred Profeta, but that has nothing to do with what I saw and have described.”
In an email to Mayor Profeta, the younger Huemer wrote, “Dude, ne damage to ur window is not my prob. L8r”
That does not sit well with Profeta’s allies. Also known as “Profetistas,” they have launched a public campaign against the Huemer name in the local press and on the town’s public message board, maplewoodonline.com.
One “Profetista,” Jon Ziefert demands legal action. According to Ziefert, a political ally and lawyer, “Huemer needs to be charged under Title 2C of the New jersey Code of Criminal Justice, specifically 2C:17-3 Criminal mischief. A person is guilty of criminal mischief if he purposely or knowingly damages tangible property of another or damages tangible property of another recklessly or negligently in the employment of fire, explosives or other dangerous means listed in subsection a. of N.J.S.2C:17-2 or if the actor causes pecuniary loss in excess of $500.00 but less than $2000.00. It is a disorderly persons offense if the actor causes pecuniary loss of $500.00 or less.”
Ziefert defended his position that a hit baseball is a dangerous means. “Remember Louis Maisonave v. Newark Bears Professional Baseball Club, Inc.?”
While some locals demand justice, others take a more cavalier attitude.
“This whole incident reminds me that I need a drink. Why whine over a swell gate when I can swill wine over at the Gate? Wheeeeeeeeee!,” said Mary Marzano.
Art Christensen, a neutral observer, thinks the political rivals’ feud is just the thing his local Republican Party needs. “Listen, I don’t mince my words. Look, Democrats purposely harassing Republican’s property is not new in town. It’s happened to me, it’s happened to Mayor Grasmere. When I get the chance, I will grill Huemer, of that you can be certain. I’ll get to the bottom of this.”
Still others are annoyed by the feud. One resident who wished to remain anonymous remarked, "Boring. Libs are morons."
While the parties settle the damages privately, the Parties continue to inflict damages publicly. Local neighborhood watch groups are on standby, and soon-to-be installed surveillance cameras may attenuate the rash of politically coincidental accidents. Until then, Maplewoodians continue to discuss Hickory-gate and Louisville-gate.
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shestheone
Citizen
Username: Shestheone
Post Number: 273
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 12:53 pm: |
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They should ALL be ashamed of themselves!!!!!!! |
Bob K
Supporter
Username: Bobk
Post Number: 11475
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 12:58 pm: |
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Not even very good satire and besides Katy has been off the Maplewood beat for the Ledger for a couple of months. 
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Nohero
Supporter
Username: Nohero
Post Number: 5374
Registered: 10-1999
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 1:02 pm: |
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It's not that bad satire - although Cherry Picker should keep in mind that not every reader might recognize it as satire.
Also, it's probably better to leave people's children, or other non-political family members, out of any commentary, "satire" or not. |
algebra2
Supporter
Username: Algebra2
Post Number: 4069
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 1:09 pm: |
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ROFLMAO!!!!! |
Straw Kennedy
Supporter
Username: Strawberry
Post Number: 7186
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 1:16 pm: |
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I thought it was a real story. Especially the libs are morons part. |
HOMMELL
Citizen
Username: Hommell
Post Number: 165
Registered: 11-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 1:40 pm: |
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“Dude, ne damage to ur window is not my prob. L8r”
Dude, we need better schools. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7638
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 1:49 pm: |
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shestheone
Citizen
Username: Shestheone
Post Number: 274
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 2:47 pm: |
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D'oh! |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1829
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 4:39 pm: |
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Our real news is so ridiculous this one gets a big red FAKE STORY warning -
Now THAT's funny!
Nice work Cherry-picker! |
Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 4984
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 10, 2006 - 6:11 pm: |
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GREAT!!!
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ajc
Citizen
Username: Ajc
Post Number: 5100
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 12:06 pm: |
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...listen Cherry Picker, I think your little satire sucks. Why don't you save your picking for your nose and your butt. Now that would be a "Real Funny" story. |
pseudonymous
Citizen
Username: Berry_festival
Post Number: 248
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 2:54 pm: |
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funsucker! |
steel
Citizen
Username: Steel
Post Number: 1059
Registered: 2-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, May 11, 2006 - 4:34 pm: |
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Putting somebody's kid into a BS story, obvious satire or no, is flat wrong. |
ajc
Citizen
Username: Ajc
Post Number: 5152
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, May 28, 2006 - 2:24 am: |
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Hey Steel, what happened to that Cherry Picker? I still wonder who that slime was? |
Duncan
Supporter
Username: Duncanrogers
Post Number: 6405
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, June 1, 2006 - 2:03 pm: |
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Got eaten by a cardinal. If he was ripe, which based on the writing he was. |
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