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Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 4049
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 1:26 pm: | 
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I also posted this in Soapbox because I'm really not sure where it belongs.
How do you keep someone you don't want to attend a Memorial Service from attending without causing a scene. One of my father's cousins who has been making our life difficult since my father died about ten days ago knows we do not want him at the Memorial Service next week.
Despite this we've been told he plans to show up anyway. Nobody wants to say anything because they feel a Church is a public place and anyone who wants to has the right to be there. I am saying this doesn't sound right. That people make a donation (pay) to the Church when they have a wedding, Baptism, Funeral etc. That the service we're having is not part of a regularly scheduled Mass. Therefore, we should have a say on who can or cannot attend.
Calling and speaking with the Priest is not an option. I've already told my sisters if this cousin shows up intoxicated I plan to walk out of the Church, get in my car and go home. This cousin gets nasty when he's been drinking. His wife is just as bad. Not counting grandchildren; with the exception of my brother, sisters and me, my father has no other immediate (as in blood related) family but this cousin (and a second cousin who is the troublemaker one's brother). |
Joan
Supporter
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 7018
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 1:44 pm: |
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Why wouldn't you want to give a family member the opportunity to attend your father's funeral? You may not approve of something (or a lot of things) the family member has done buit this does not mean that the family member isn't mourning your father's death.
A funeral should be a time when the living come together to help each other through a very difficult time not a mechanism for spliting the family further apart.
In the final analysis there really isn't anything you can (or should?) do to keep the family member away. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 6761
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 2:13 pm: |
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Agree with Joan. The best that you can do, if he does come drunk & angry, is to ignore him. Don't engage him and focus on the service, your thoughts about your father and your own mourning process.
I'm sorry for your loss. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and have come to the realization that it can be easier to get caught up in other peoples' behavior (and similarly unimportant crap) than the pain of the death and dying process. Sometimes you don't even realize it. Spend your energy on the people around you who bring you comfort and whom you can comfort. You and your family need to support each other and grieve together. Nothing else really matters right now. |
mjc
Citizen
Username: Mjc
Post Number: 1046
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:21 pm: |
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I'm with Joan and gt about trying to find a way to prevent the cousin from attending. If he might become seriously disruptive, though, I think it would be fair to give the priest a heads-up about it. He has probably encountered this kind of thing before and might have a way of addressing it, such as alerting an usher or someone who could handle the disruption (if any) and remove the cousin if needed. |
The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 1580
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:25 pm: |
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since the memorial service is not for you but a relative that you share with this cousin, he should be able to attend with or without your permission. if you dont want to see him, dont go. maybe he wants to mourn and/or celebrate the deceased's life just as much as you. of course, if he shows up inebriated and causes a disturbance then you should absolutely have him removed. |
Just The Aunt
Supporter
Username: Auntof13
Post Number: 4051
Registered: 1-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 3:46 pm: |
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Lib-
The 'relative' is my father.
Everyone else- I'll share a few of the things this cousin has done. He wiped out my father's savings account after he died. He also made off with his stamp collection and some other things.
Then he tried to prevent us from following through with my father's wishes not to be put on any life support. He even tried to prevent us from having him brought back to New Jersey to be buried.
My mother has never liked this cousin. None of us want him there. My mother doesn't want anyone at the cemetery after but us (my brother sisters and I); yet this cousin told my sister he's going like it or not. It's not as if there will be a lot of people there to hide amongst. SIGH
Thanks though for the replies. |
redY67
Citizen
Username: Redy67
Post Number: 4901
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 4:04 pm: |
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JTA I feel for you, I am so sorry for your situation. Is there anyone that can playh the "bad cop" if he shows up and throw him out? |
The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 1582
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 4:04 pm: |
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wow! under those circumstances, especially with your mother's feelings, then yes, tell him he is not welcome and alert the funeral home to the situation. again, my sympathies. |
ken (the other one)
Citizen
Username: Ken
Post Number: 382
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 4:26 pm: |
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If he did the things you said he did, then file a police report for theft and have him arrested when he shows up at the service. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 6764
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 7:32 pm: |
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I'm with Ken. I'm no expert in probate/wills, but you can't just clean out a back account. Unless it was a specific type of joint account (tenants in common?) with your father & cousin, what he did is illegal.
In terms of the funeral & grave, you can try telling him to stay away. But, if he is that insensitive, you will have a hard time barring him from a public place. That is why I suggested that you try to ignore him and focus on your family. There may be little that you can do about it (unless he is disruptive) and why upset yourself more? |
susan1014
Supporter
Username: Susan1014
Post Number: 1368
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 8:44 pm: |
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Yes, if he stole from the estate and tried to disregard your father's wishes, tell him he'll be arrested for theft if he shows up!
Or just silently accept his presence as one last salute to your father's family, and then never speak to the **** again.
Either way, best of luck! |
Scrotis Lo Knows
Citizen
Username: Scrotisloknows
Post Number: 774
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 8:44 pm: |
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oh wow in that case I have made up my mind. Throw the bum out!!!! |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1679
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, February 18, 2006 - 9:44 pm: |
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Take the high road - if a difficult relative acts up, ignore them and don't give them an audience.
The memorial service is about laying to rest your father. Focus on the people you love and who loved your father and let any bad behavior speak to a void.
When my grandmother died my uncle was horrible at the memorial service (He picked up the box of her ashes and said, "Look! I'm juggling Mother!")
Family gatherings attract family craziness, you can allow the craziness to make you crazy or you can let it go.
Let it go and bury your father from a space of peace.
You can't change the crazy people, and if you confront them it just adds fuel to the crazy-fire.
Hold your head high and seek the many people who nourish you and loved your father - the other people don't matter.
Good luck. |
Joan
Supporter
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 7023
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 8:40 am: |
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Remember the part in most wedding ceremonies when the person performing the ceremony asks if there is any reason why the bride and groom should wed? About that far into my father's funeral, my Aunt H stood up and announced that we couldn't bury my father because that burial plot had been set aside for someone else! True story, and it tops just about anything I have seen/heard any one else do/say at any of the far too many funerals I have attended in my life.
The point is that just about every family has someone like your cousin (though hopefully not too many have an Aunt H) and you really can't fully control their behavior before, during or after the funeral. This doesn't mean that you should try and forbid the relative from attending the funeral in the first place. Everyone (especially family members and those equally close) should be given the opportunity to mourn. |
Scully
Citizen
Username: Scully
Post Number: 163
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 11:38 am: |
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Have you spoken with the funeral people about this? I'm sure they've seen this problem before. |
BGS
Citizen
Username: Bgs
Post Number: 615
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, February 19, 2006 - 1:05 pm: |
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JTA- PLEASE speak with the funeral director...He/She should be alerted to a potential problem...I am sure that the F.D. has come up against this before..
I continue to think about you and your family and am so sorry that in addition to your loss you have to deal with this.
Sincerely,
BGS |
Elizabeth
Citizen
Username: Momof4peepers
Post Number: 9
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 8:31 pm: |
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
Have you tried the reverse psychology thing? "Oh Uncle Henry, we are all so looking forward to seeing you at the memorial service. You always provide us with such an interesting perspective!" Because he may be trying to "get your goat" before the memorial service, but be too shy to back out? Dunno...just a thought.
I'll pray that God gives you the strength you need to get through this. |
Maplewoody
Citizen
Username: Maplewoody
Post Number: 1141
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, February 21, 2006 - 11:59 pm: |
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Have someone go to his home while he's at the Funeral, and reclaim what's your families' rightful property!!
The old coot probably has the cash & stamps lying around the house! |
Nob
Citizen
Username: Nob
Post Number: 100
Registered: 4-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, February 22, 2006 - 3:58 pm: |
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One of my husband's aunt's gave a "guest admit list" to the funeral parlor for her husband's memorial and had them act as "bouncers". She didn't like her husband's sisters and didn't want them to attend the service......I'm sure her husband would've liked his sisters to attend but funerals are for the living. I thought it was the strangest thing I'd ever heard but feel free to try it. |
BGS
Citizen
Username: Bgs
Post Number: 637
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Friday, February 24, 2006 - 3:41 pm: |
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JTA- when you are up to it, please let us know what happened... |
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