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Mummite
Citizen
Username: Mummite
Post Number: 222
Registered: 6-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:39 pm: | 
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I think giving money is totally tacky, however I also find a registry with gifts only worth $250 or more tacky...my current dilemma.
I have a wedding to go to next month - a friend of my husband. Its an evening wedding at the Four Seasons "Formal Dress" required. So I ask what that means and am told "long dresses". So I'm still not sure if thats gowns or floaty summer dresses but I can't ask again but also don't want to spend $300 on a dress I'll wear once!
And I believe gift receipts should be banned! Its a horrendous excuse to put little thought into a present and know they can easily change it.
I think weddings have got slightly over-hyped recent years - it should be about 2 people getting married not about where the reception is, and what are you giving as a gift.
MdS - perhaps a photo frame - they'll take hundreds and will need somewhere to display them! |
Handygirl
Citizen
Username: Handygirl
Post Number: 647
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:41 pm: |
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CLK, I definitely see your point, but I still prefer getting and giving cash. I honestly do not have the time to go traipsing around looking for the perfect gift for every wedding, house warming, baby shower, new baby and toddler birthday party that we are invited to. That sounds harsh, I know, but I'm only being honest. I obviously don't give the toddlers cash ("how you doin' Lindsey? here's a $20"), but a newly married couple has tons of expenses and can probably use some cash. As I said earlier, they can use it for a house, furniture, honeymoon, or to buy things from the registry that were too expensive for one person to purchase ($550 knives???). We cashed all of our checks at once and deposited everything into an account - later that year we used our wedding money as part of our down payment.
I agree that it is tacky to mandate that all of your guests give cash. It is also poor manners to act with anything other than grace when receiving gifts that you do not need or like (even the turkey platter). And it sounds sweet to be able to look around your house and see things that reminds you of the people that you love, but I guess that I am just willing to trade some of the nostalgia of the by-gone days when the world was simpler, for a little ease and convenience in my hectic day to day life.
I guess we'll agree to disagree.  |
Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4210
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:42 pm: |
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Hmmm, I agree with the cash sentiment, disagree with most of what CLK said, but think the Tiffany coin sounds like a nice idea if you don't want to give cash. (I mean, the bride may decide she wants a funky silver ring after the wedding, I know that's what I'd buy.)
I agree with a lot of what Brett & Pippi say. I think the picnic basket and those other ideas are nice but sound much more like shower gifts.
In my family and circle of friends, we give checks, not even outrageous amounts. It was only the really well-to-do Westchester relatives who gave me a crystal candlestick or Waterford vase. Not my taste, I use them but only because I feel guilty about tossing something like that. Now, it seems like the younger people getting married give much more money than I'd give. My brother's friends gave them $200 for the engagement, granted it was a big shindig, but that seems excessive to me.
BTW, I remember what everyone gave me cash-wise. Not for any reason other than I just do.
CLK, I don't know why you have a problem with the couple giving birth 9 months after the wedding and why that makes them seem lost. I had my first a year after we got married. I certainly didn't want to get pregnant on my honeymoon, but nowadays with people getting married a little later, what's the big deal with having kids right away? I remember a family function where my uncle's sister-in-law commented about my "honeymoon child" in a somewhat sarcastic tone in front of everyone. Trust me, I wasn't the one who seemed lost. (In private, my aunt, an RN, suggested she might need medication to deal with her issues.) |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13307
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:45 pm: |
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I don't think the wedding should be an opportunity to shake down the attendants. It's not about who's winning or losing, and it most certainly isn't about how much money the wedding costs.
There is no minimum gift. A small amount of money to you might be a large amount for me.
VIG, my friend got married in November and got pregnant on her wedding night. She is very happy, and I'm happy for her. I told her it's like a fairy tale, and she agrees. If it fits your life, then it's good.
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Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2245
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:46 pm: |
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I wanted my wedding to be close family only also, but it didn't work out that way. |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2093
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:47 pm: |
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Actually, I think we agree more than you think, especially here:
"I honestly do not have the time to go traipsing around looking for the perfect gift for every wedding, house warming, baby shower, new baby and toddler birthday party that we are invited to. "
The problem is that people are inviting too many people to these events, leading to gift burn-out. And like morissa, you end up going to parties for people you don't know - so your gift has to be a little soulless. Either cash, from a registry, or something very "neutral" with a gift receipt. That, to me, is the real problem.
Sorry, Morissa, didn't mean to hijack. If I were in your shoes I'd buy some Waterford, which is my stock wedding present in those kinds of situations. |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2094
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:49 pm: |
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VIG, re the couple having the baby right away - it's because they don't have the money to support the baby. That's the problem, in my opinion. They're not one of the older couples you mention, they're very young. It smells like trouble to me.
Not at all a blanket statement on having kids right away. I should have been clearer. |
Morrisa da Silva
Citizen
Username: Mod
Post Number: 413
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:53 pm: |
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No need to be sorry. If anything, at least this thread is a nice diversion from Education.
MdS |
Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4212
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:54 pm: |
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Ok. Also re: the wedding being a small intimate affair. I'm with Brett, I wanted it to be something small, but it would have broken my mother's heart to not invite her 40 something first cousins and work associates. So, 190 people later...
I would assume the boss asked the daughter to invite Morrisa & her husband. |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2095
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:57 pm: |
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Probably ...
And I guess I was really lucky. My parents only had 9 people at their wedding, too (a coincidence that was mentioned numerous times on my wedding day). So they were totally OK with a small, intimate event.
Something for all of us to remember when our kids are getting married. ;-) |
Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2246
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 2:58 pm: |
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Yes VIG, I think we are honestly having this wedding so that our parents can visit with people they haven't seen in 20 years, or people they feel get a "Pay Back" for inviting them to something.
If you don't know the Bride or the Grooms middle name, you're a token guest, your token gift will not be cherished, it's going to go on a shelf somewhere.
wow I didn't even realize I was ranting till now.
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Morrisa da Silva
Citizen
Username: Mod
Post Number: 414
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:01 pm: |
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Brett,
I wasn't offended or anything but in a few of your posts you managed to make the word "Employee" sound like a dirty word. I guess all this wedding stuff hits a little close to home. |
Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2247
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:05 pm: |
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Apologies if I made Employee sound like a bad word. It wasn’t meant that way.
I guess I was hit below the belt thinking that one of our “Invited” guests would trouble themselves trying to figure out a thoughtful gift. They were, for all intent and purpose, not invited by us.
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Mummite
Citizen
Username: Mummite
Post Number: 223
Registered: 6-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:08 pm: |
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"I think we are honestly having this wedding so that our parents can visit with people they haven't seen in 20 years, "
Totally agree.Some parents think the wedding is for them , and if they're }paying who are you to argue. Now people are getting married later and are not living within 5 miles of where they grew up, your friends are probably not family friends hence these weddings are getting way out of control. |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2097
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:10 pm: |
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Re big weddings: A guy I work with comes from a very well-to-do Indian family. He had over 5,000 guests at his wedding in India. So I guess it could be worse. ;-)
And I guess there are also huge cultural things going on - probably more to do with social status and part of the country than whether you're Irish, Jewish, Italian, Polish or whatever.
People see these things very, very differently. Unfortunately, some of the people like me get invited to the weddings of people from families like Brett's and VIG's, and OUR "thoughtful, not-from-the-registry" gifts are considered "tacky." (or simply inappropriate.) They come to our weddings and THEIR "generous gifts of cash" are considered "tacky." Nobody wins.
I think we should outlaw marriage ... |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13308
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:17 pm: |
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CLK, I am very confused. How have you found out that a gift you gave was considered tacky? And who considered it tacky? I think that anyone telling you this is far more tacky than any gift you could have given. You are not under any contract to please the recipients, though you should try, of course.
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CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2098
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:23 pm: |
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Nobody's ever told me to my face that a gift was tacky. If they did, well, that would be inexcusably rude.
But I have heard people b**ching about gifts that other people gave them. "Oh, that isn't even worth $xxx, it doesn't even pay for the plate." or "all this garbage I have to get rid of now - I don't understand why people don't just bring cash." I have wondered if people have reacted like this to gifts I've brought.
I never say anything back - I've held my tongue about this a long time. Guess that's why I got so spirited today! Sorry, I really don't want to offend anybody ... I do believe that everybody sees these things differently. I just wish people would be more understanding of their guests and where they're coming from, that's all. |
phyllis
Citizen
Username: Phyllis
Post Number: 494
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:32 pm: |
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I'm born and bred NJ - have given $$ for everyone of my friends/family's weddings and that is mostly what I received when we got married. I didn't see it as greedy or a shake-down. It's to help the new couple get started. But I would feel the same as Morisa about the boss's daughter - it's tricky.
My only suggestion would be if you or your husband had a unique interest or skill to pass along. For example - are you jazz/classical music enthusiasts? You could put together a "must have" collection or buy season passes to something if they lived in the city, for example. You risk that they don't like, but you also take a shot that its something they would never have thought of but now enjoy. Not a traditional wedding gift, but I loved those sorts of things. I liked someone's idea of fancy champagne in an ice bucket. Other off-beat suggestions would be a something "of the month" like beautiful flowers from Calyx and Corolla or some gourmet food thing.
Lastly, if you decided on an item, I say go with Crate & Barrel over unique stores or department stores. Their return policies are fabulous, and I think their stuff can fit in with many different types of decor.
Good luck. Hope its a fun event! |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13314
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 3:34 pm: |
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I don't have a shred of the type of respect for these cretins that you have. The concept of the gift paying for the plate is repugnant to me. Wishing for cash misses the point, too. The recipients have no business expecting anything.
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susan1014
Supporter
Username: Susan1014
Post Number: 1451
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:04 pm: |
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I'm with Tom on this one. And by the way, if you dread dealing with $10,000 worth of gifts, you can always request no gifts, and recommend a few favorite charities.
In truth, we give money often, although the midwesterner in me doesn't like it. We give money because we are lazy, because the couple is tight on money, because it is culturally acceptable around here, and because there isn't anything in an appropriate price range on the registry other than luggage (which I don't give as a wedding gift).
But I rebel strongly at the idea that actually attempting to shop for a more unique gift is somehow unfair to the couple being married. That, to me, is a distortion born of a culture of overblown, overspending weddings. I've heard the same sorts of comments as CLK, and am left with less respect for the people making them. You should be inviting people to your wedding because you (or someone) wants them there, not based on their gift-giving potential. |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2100
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:23 pm: |
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Tom, some people I like (at least online) said more or less exactly these things earlier in this thread. I don't consider them cretins, and I do understand their frustration about getting things they don't like from people they don't know. It just puts the potential wedding guest in a real bind.
Another big issue is how much to spend. In some quarters, spending more than $100 is shockingly bad taste - it is showing off. In others, spending less than $200 (or some other figure) is cheap cheap cheap. I got some wedding gifts that probably cost the givers about $20 (including from my sister, who was destitute and going through a bad divorce at the time - my kitchen clock which is still running and has been in use for 16 years!).
Personally, I hate going to weddings because I can never figure any of this stuff out. And I have two left feet and can't even really dance the "hokey pokey" let alone the "limbo."
And let's not even get started on the bewildering array of attire that is "stunning" vs. "shocking" vs. "horrifying" vs "dowdy" vs. "can you believe she wore THAT?" At least with guys you can ask, "tux or suit?" and that's that. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13319
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:29 pm: |
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That stuff doesn't trouble me much. I don't care if I've spent too much or too little. It's from my heart, not my wallet.
I don't care much if I've dressed properly. My sister's wedding wasn't a black tie affair but I wore my tux anyway. I looked like the hired help, but I felt like I was a little better dressed than others but not showing off, either. A tux is really a simple suit.
I can't dance, either. I'm a total clutz, and I look ridiculous when I dance. But Carol loves to dance, and I enjoy it (for a few minutes) even though I'm inept. I enjoy whatever I can and then try to shrug it off. I wish I had more stamina at it. One of these days, we'll go to dance classes and practice. It's mostly for my practice, since Carol is an excellent dancer.
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Handygirl
Citizen
Username: Handygirl
Post Number: 648
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:32 pm: |
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I don't know, I guess that I am just very practical. I would rather use the money to furnish my house or buy a car then to fill our house with an array of picture frames, vases, toasters, platters, clocks and mismatched wine glasses. I'd also rather give the person getting married the ability to do the same. In reality, some people are better gift-givers than others. Why, in G's name would you give someone a rooster platter unless you KNOW FOR A FACT that they like roosters? Now they have to either find someplace to store the thing indefinitely (until they need it for a barn-raising), or they have to find someone to take it off of your hands (or worse, they REGIFT the thing). Sorry Tom, I'm starting to sound like one of the cretins that you just complained about.
Gift-giving is loaded man. That's why I give cash. Some might consider it tacky, but, at the end of the day, cash won't end up on a shelf somewhere gathering dust and it won't end up in some Salvation Army store.
I'm not terribly sentimental about these things - instead of an engagement ring, my now-husband and I bought a really nice computer. My mother-in-law was mortified. My husband and I were thrilled (him maybe more than I).
Either way, whether you are giving a gift or giving cash, you are helping the couple start their new life together. |
Morrisa da Silva
Citizen
Username: Mod
Post Number: 415
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:35 pm: |
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Oh god CLK,
You just reminded me. I still have to get a dress.
Ugghhhh! |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13320
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:38 pm: |
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Sorry to call anyone present a cretin.
Actually, I have received money and appreciated it. And I have given it. I guess it's OK for people you don't know, too. I don't know why I went on such a rant. Sorry.
I still believe people should keep their dissatisfactions and expectations to themselves, however.
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Handygirl
Citizen
Username: Handygirl
Post Number: 649
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:40 pm: |
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That's the part that I hate. |
IShep
Citizen
Username: Twinsmom
Post Number: 170
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:45 pm: |
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I loathe the idea that anyone pays for their "plate" via the gift. I was raised to never expect anything from anyone, regardless of the event. You invite guests whom you want to be at your wedding. In my opinion, there should be absolutely no expectation for what/how much you receive. For us, just the fact that someone chose to witness our union and be a part of the event was sufficient. Isn't that what it's supposed to be?
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Wendyn
Supporter
Username: Wendyn
Post Number: 2882
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:50 pm: |
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I admit that I am terrible to buy for. Ask my husband. But I would much prefer to get nothing than something that I can't use. Which is why I usually buy my own gifts.
I registered for my wedding. Most of the stuff (beyond the china, crystal and yes, real silverware my mother insisted I register for) was pretty reasonable (like under $100). So why would you buy me a Mikasa bowl that I can't return? You can't buy me the $20 set of everyday glasses on my registry? Or a couple of towels? For pete's sake! The bowl was probably a regift since I barely knew you. Great so someone else gives you a present you don't want and you give it to me.
My mother-in-law once said that she didn't like the china that someone registered for. So she got the person a place setting of a different china, because she liked it better. She apparently couldn't find ANYTHING else on the registry that she approved of, so she gave them a trip to the store to return her gift.
Not only are there bad gift receivers (like me), there are equally bad gift givers. If you are going to get me something, be thoughtful about it. Getting me a "unique" funky gift is not thoughtful because you don't know me and have no idea if I like unique funky gifts or Mikasa bowls from Macy's. It is thoughtful to get me something you KNOW I will like, and if you don't know me it means something from my registry. Which is why there are registries, because weddings these days are overblown and there are too many random people invited. Those random people need help in selecting a gift.
If I don't have a registry the thoughtful thing to do is give me cash, or at the very least get me something at a generic store that I can return. |
Pippi
Supporter
Username: Pippi
Post Number: 2011
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 4:56 pm: |
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"Getting me a "unique" funky gift is not thoughtful because you don't know me and have no idea if I like unique funky gifts or Mikasa bowls from Macy's. "
Similarly, people who know you don't always give gifts you like. Case in point - the personalized mailbox was given to me by a close friend who has known me for 25 years. It was HER taste, not mine.
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Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4216
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:04 pm: |
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I told you my secret, you tell me mine. Who gave you the mailbox??? |
Pippi
Supporter
Username: Pippi
Post Number: 2013
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:13 pm: |
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I'll give you a hint:
we aren't friends anymore. It wasn't because of the mailbox, but it WAS because of the wedding!!
(do she and I even have close to the same taste??!)
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Morrisa da Silva
Citizen
Username: Mod
Post Number: 417
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:17 pm: |
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Who new this was going to be such a juicy thread. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13327
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:19 pm: |
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I did. It has come up a few times before. It's because people have widely varying expectations at weddings. Some see gifts as offerings, and others see them as debts or rights.
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Handygirl
Citizen
Username: Handygirl
Post Number: 650
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:22 pm: |
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You know, a psychologist friend of mine told me once that the worst gift givers tend to be narcissistic personalities, because they are so self-absorbed that they buy everyone what they like and give no thought to what the gift receivers like or need. - Not to classify anyone here a narcissist, I just thought that it was an interesting observation. |
Handygirl
Citizen
Username: Handygirl
Post Number: 651
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:27 pm: |
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Tom, there HAS to be a point when you say WTF? about a gift that you received. What if someone got you a personalized doggy bed, but you didn't have a dog? What if someone got you 2 really UGLY wine glasses with big pink handpainted flowers on them? What if someone got you a huge platter with a rooster on it? It's all good? Really? |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13329
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:30 pm: |
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Certainly I would say, and I have said, "what were they thinking?" But I don't believe I have felt snubbed, and I haven't let my bewilderment get out of the house.
I mean heck, when my kids were little, they gave me coffee mugs that said "world's greatest dad." What was I supposed to say? "Take it back and try harder"?
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soresident
Citizen
Username: Soresident
Post Number: 359
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:42 pm: |
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mds - look at www.weddingchannel.com for registries. They are not necessarily the same as ones found on "the knot"
If you can't find a registry, I'd send a gift from Tiffany's. No matter what it is, it always looks better when it comes in a Tiffany's box! I often send crystal ice buckets or beautiful pitchers. |
Alleygater
Citizen
Username: Alleygater
Post Number: 1509
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:42 pm: |
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The conversation almost immediately began with HOW MUCH is the right amount to give. Now you say it's tacky to give a gift that pays for the guest's "plate" but I think that is as good of a guage as any to determine an appropriate amount. By attending the wedding you can see just how extravagent the wedding was and then all of a sudden your $50 gift to your boss might seem a little low.
Fine call me tacky, but I think it's a fine guage. You have months to give send your gift. I see nothing wrong with attending, and afterwards assessing how I felt about the whole affair. Sometimes I feel differently after having gone.
I also was raised that giving cash gifts are tacky. I was actually raised that we should MAKE OUR OWN GIFTS because they have more meaning. Having said all that, I truly understand what people mean when they say that "cash is king". You can do whatever you want with cash. It may be less personal -- sure, but it is also much more useful and flexible. |
LilLB
Citizen
Username: Lillb
Post Number: 1462
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 5:42 pm: |
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I think it's possible to be appreciative that someone got you a gift, whether it be for a wedding, birthday, housewarming, whatever... while at the same time, be able to form an opinion about it (whether you find it something that fits your tastes or not).
I have two aunts who are always gracious enough to send us Christmas gifts, but they're always the oddest things (e.g., perfume samples from the makeup counter, a mini stuffed chicken, etc.), so we get a chuckle out of it. We still appreciate that they think of us, but we get a good (private) laugh every time it happens. The gifts are just so....odd. We don't take it as a gesture that they don't like us or don't want to think about what we like - they're just not very good gift-givers and that's ok, we aren't relying on them to support us with their gifts.
I think people stress out about the wedding gift buying/receiving because it's intertwined with so much etiquette, regional differences, varying levels of relationship to the bride/groom, etc. It doesn't have to be stressful - weddings are occasions with an expectation of a gift, but your relationship and circumstances dictates what you give. (That's not to say I wouldn't be perplexed at what to give my boss' daughter though.... ) |
Lydia
Supporter
Username: Lydial
Post Number: 1744
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 7:14 pm: |
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LilB -
The odd-aunt gifts sound very sweet.
Anyone who invites you to their wedding and gossips about the gift or what you're wearing...is it a wedding or a 50/50 raffle?
It's vulgar IMO to say anything about a gift (a gift!) besides "thank you"
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CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2101
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 7:57 pm: |
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You know, reading over this thread and the other one in virtual cafe, I can be virtually certain that some of my gifts were not liked as a few people specifically mentioned Waterford as a horrible gift. Since that's my stock gift when I'm in a bind, clearly I've made a big boo-boo. So I guess I won't be buying any more of that. But since a lot of people seem to like their Lenox bowls, I guess that's a better alternative.
I think a lot of this disagreement comes down to what people think the wedding is for. A few people here have said the purpose of the wedding is to "start the couple off in life." From this perspective, the couple has every right to expect that the income from their wedding will exceed what they spent on the wedding. Hence the logic of "paying for your plate" and/or cash/registry gifts. This camp favors larger weddings. Perhaps this comes from a cultural history of the entire community (and certainly the entire extended family) being involved in the effort to "start the couple off in life." If you come from this tradition, you feel hurt if you're not invited to your second-cousin's kid's wedding.
The other camp sees a wedding as a celebration of a marriage, and the gift is a symbolic gesture of goodwill. This camp favors the more personal type of gift, and too-expensive gifts or cash are embarrassing to the bridal couple and feel a bit "crass." This camp also favors shorter guest lists of close family and intimate friends. I think in this case it is assumed that the bride & groom will keep the wedding costs in check. Or if they are splashing out on a big party, they'll pay for it themselves and expect a financial loss. People in this camp cannot understand the mentality of those who calculate the value of every gift received and the apparent "looking for a handout." Nor do they feel especially comfortable when asked to attend the weddings of people who are essentially strangers.
I'm not sure how these two points of view can be reconciled. I am firmly in the second camp in terms of how I see a wedding, but reading this thread I think I'm coming to understand the other side a little better. It's not about greed - it's a cultural expectation that you will give the couple a good start.
The trick is figuring out which kind of wedding you've been invited to, and play by their rules (if you can afford them) instead of insisting on following your own because the other side has it all wrong. |
Alleygater
Citizen
Username: Alleygater
Post Number: 1515
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 8:19 pm: |
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CLK I see where you are coming from but I don't think it necessarily splits that way. We had a small wedding and didn't expect to earn money off of our wedding. We were hoping to not go broke, but we certainly weren't hoping or expecting to earn money. It's not a transaction, it was our personal celebration that we didn't want cluttered with lots of hanger ons. We also weren't hoping for cash, nor were we expecting that the gifts SHOULD be any specific quantity of money. So I am evidence that there is clearly people who are in BOTH camps. |
Shashalagoumba
Citizen
Username: Shashalagoumba
Post Number: 53
Registered: 7-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 8:39 pm: |
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CLK I believe gifts should be from the heart. Since there is no gift registry, I would tend to err on the side of cash. Give what you can. I'm sure it will be appreciated. |
IShep
Citizen
Username: Twinsmom
Post Number: 171
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 8:50 pm: |
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Ditto Alleygater...
Also, with regard to the perspective of "getting the couple started"...a lot of couples these days have already gotten their start. Most have already lived on their own or together before the wedding and have all the "basics" such as dishes, towels, toaster, etc. Have we simply moved on to helping couples with a down payment for a house? These days, you would have to invite a lot of people and give quite a bit of cash to rack up enough for that.
And clearly, I'm out of the loop when it comes to the appropriate amount. While reading this thread I think quite a few folks cite $100 per person/$200 per couple...and that seems high to me. I only give a gift (from both my husband and I) that costs more than $150 if I really know the person/couple getting married well. I thought I was being generous! |
CLK
Supporter
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 2104
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 8:59 pm: |
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Well, I'm with you IShep. As I said I'm behind Door #2. But I have heard people gossiping about $100 being a "cheap and tacky" gift. And I'm not talking about millionaires, either.
Alleygater, yes I suppose it's an over-simplification, but sometimes simplifying stuff helps you understand it. I hear so many people I think of as being "nice" using this kind of economic language about weddings that I feel compelled to try to understand where they're coming from. This is my first stab at it. And my last for a while - outta here.
Oh and shashalagoumba - I'm not going to a wedding! I just hijacked Morrisa da Silva's thread. I hope she is getting some ideas out of all of this.
Now that's it, and I really am sorry for the hijack. |
The Libertarian
Citizen
Username: Local_1_crew
Post Number: 1867
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 9:10 pm: |
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cash is king. couple of newlyweds looking to start their lives together, definitely cash. who needs more junk? |
Shashalagoumba
Citizen
Username: Shashalagoumba
Post Number: 54
Registered: 7-2005
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 9:14 pm: |
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oops. I started reading this thread at the beginning but obviously was side-tracked. My intentions are still at the same place, however. |
Morrisa da Silva
Citizen
Username: Mod
Post Number: 418
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 10:01 pm: |
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thanks Soreresident - I found their registry through weddingchannel.com. Seems they are registered at fortunoff.
Thanks All.
As you were.
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Pippi
Supporter
Username: Pippi
Post Number: 2016
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, March 30, 2006 - 11:07 pm: |
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Morrisa
Don't you want to post the registry so we can all tell you what to get?
 |
Alleygater
Citizen
Username: Alleygater
Post Number: 1517
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 12:39 am: |
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IShep: we didn't tell anyone BEFORE the wedding but we were already saving for our house for a few years (and we were hoping that the wedding wasn't going to wipe us out) and IF we gained any money from gifts we intended on adding it to our down payment fund. And when we sent thank you cards to eveyone who gave gifts (and believe it or not a few people didn't -- most notably and most tackily a very close friend who jokes to this day about the fact that he owes us one still) of cash we made it clear that their money would be going towards our buying a house. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 13337
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 7:43 am: |
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This is timely and somewhat pertinent:
Nothing Common About Common Sense
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Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2248
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 8:30 am: |
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I think there is a misunderstanding that all new couples want Money to offset the wedding cost. In our case that’s incorrect, the wedding is paid in full, and as far a deposits on a house, we can handle that also. The wedding presents are not a starting off point or anything that were counting on.
Our wedding is in Omaha for god sake, and it’s going to be an expensive affair to attend. Planes + Hotel + meals = $700 per couple, and anyone who feels that attending is their gift to us will not be looked down upon.
The problem is the shear amount of gifts that we are getting and the usefulness of those gifts. We got 72 gifts for our engagement, subtract out the funny, small joke gifts there were 50. One of the gifts was a pair of Tiffany Champaign Flutes, and the couple suggested that we use them at the wedding to toast our big day. That was a great gift and the Flutes are sitting in their blue box waiting for the big day. Along with that we got stemware, bar accessories, kitchen utensils, all useful gifts. But then it comes down to the “Thoughtful” gifts. 4 Vases, 4 serving platters, Candles, and something made of glass that I’m not even sure what end is up.
I don’t know how much thought, or regifting went into those gifts, but that’s about all the decorations that we can handle. Hopefully if people choose to bring a gift to the wedding, it’s from our registry, or it’s money, so that we can get stuff that we want, instead of feeling guilty about not using decorations that we don’t really need.
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BGS
Citizen
Username: Bgs
Post Number: 830
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 8:55 am: |
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Between our shower and our wedding we received 8 pairs of candlesticks in varying compositions...brass,silver, crystal, blown glass, wood,and milk glass, and 5 teapots (the kind that go on the stove and boil water in). I love all my candlesticks and we shared the teapots with both of our mothers and used the other three over the last 28years. When I started thinking about this thread last night at home, I realized that we never registered anywhere.
The Southern side of my family gave us gifts and my husband's Italian family gave us money...the best of both worlds as far as we were concerned.
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SlowDog
Citizen
Username: Bca
Post Number: 60
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 9:11 am: |
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I'm in the cash boat. However, if you know something about wine (or know someone who does), and excellent idea that rarely goes astray is to send a mixed case of decent wines. They can consume them or bring them as gifts, etc. |
susan1014
Supporter
Username: Susan1014
Post Number: 1452
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Friday, March 31, 2006 - 3:25 pm: |
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Brett, you poor thing, having so many people who care enough about you to try to pick out gifts for you.
If the burden of unique engagement and wedding gifts turns out to be too much to bear, private line me later. I will have a charity auction to help organize later this year, and can at least get you a tax deduction if your friends and relatives insist on giving you non-negotiable gifts.
Bravo to you for realizing that the cost of going to your wedding may be all the gift appropriate for some people! |
AES
Citizen
Username: Room_to_move
Post Number: 29
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 2, 2006 - 10:39 pm: |
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My standard wedding gift is a gift certificate to the Select Inn Registry
http://www.selectregistry.com/. The couple can use the gift certificate at any of hundreds of B&Bs, inns, etc. The g.c. comes with a very nice guidebook of places that participate. Everyone we have given it to raves about it...many use it for a first anniversary weekend. Good luck with your decision! |
BGS
Citizen
Username: Bgs
Post Number: 842
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Monday, April 3, 2006 - 8:33 am: |
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AES- thanks for this link!!! What a great thought. |
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