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Tinkrock
Supporter
Username: Tinkrock
Post Number: 123
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 7:25 pm: | 
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I just brought home a brand new brother for my 16 month old daughter. I know this is going to be really hard for a while, but I'm looking forward to the payoff of having two kids so close in age (down the road a bit, I know). The thing is, how am I supposed to do this NOW? I'd love any advice from people with kids so close in age. My girl is already VERY jealous. I don't want her to feel abandoned! But what can I do when she's tugging at me, trying to climb on me while I'm breastfeeding?
Please, any tips, tricks, advice...but I'd really appreciate if people could hold comments I've gotten such as, "Going from one kid to two is HELL" (said by a stranger passing me in the market) and "Going from one to two is not twice as hard, it's infinitely harder". I know, I get that, I could just use some POSITIVE reinforcement right now  |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 3786
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 7:52 pm: |
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Congratulations. One of each. How nice for you.
Going from one to two is not harder than going from none to one. Now you have "experience" under your belt, and doing the whole new mom/new baby thing will be old hat for you. I went from two to three and survived that transition, and several women I know have just gone from three to four, and also seem to be surviving. It actually seems to get easier to be a mom to a baby each time. Of course, adding another child to the mix will make things harder in some ways too.
My suggestion would be to spend as much time with your daughter as possible. That shouldn't be too hard since newborns pretty much sleep most of the time anyway. Your new baby will not suffer from being left to sleep while you give lots of one-on-one to the new big sis, who is really feeling put out right about now.
Try to talk to her often to help her understand that the baby is very little and needs help with everything, and breastfeeding is one of the things you need to do to "help" the baby. At 16 months this kind of communiction might be difficult at first, but I think eventually she will understand. Big sis is a "big girl" and doesn't need as much help to do big girl things. Also, try to find a way to involve her in the breastfeeding, some way she can help or participate. Or try to get her involved in an activity that will keep her interest at feeding time. Hopefully you have one hand free to deal with her while your breastfeeding the baby.
If friends and family are visiting, I strongly suggest you speak to them prior to arrival and ask them to please make a big fuss over the big sis, spend time with her, before moving on to the baby. Again, new baby will not know anything is missing if he's not constantly "oohed" and "aaahed" over, but the 16-month-old definately will! If they're bringing gifts and you can suggest it, ask that they bring a little something for big sis too. Or keep a stash of inexpensive, gift wrapped toys hidden away, and have them give her one of those.
The more she is reassured that she is still loved and has her place in the family, the way she always has, the more secure she will become in her new position as big sis.
It's going to take a little time, but I'm sure you will find a new rythem that works for all of you sooner rather than later. |
red
Citizen
Username: Redy67
Post Number: 5536
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 7:53 pm: |
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tink--it is hard at first. I was lucky since my son thought his baby sister was the coolest thing in the world. I think my saving grace was friends. I did LOTS of playdates with my son to keep him entertained while I could hold my daughter. The Baby Bjorn is another great tool.
Personally I think for me it was easier to get out of the house. Go to the park, to friends houses for walks. Every morning I would go to the gym, put the kids in babysitting (when my daughter was old enough) work out, gave my self an hour every morning helped me get through the day.
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greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7757
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 8:03 pm: |
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When my 2nd niece was born, the first was your daughter's age. She had a difficult time with the newbie (her older brother didn't mind when she came along). She wouldn't acknowledge her mom for the first 3 days the new baby was home.
Our family did what Me& suggests and made it a point to say "hi" & fuss over her first, before going to ga-ga over the newbie when we went to visit. It seemed to help her accept that she wasn't being traded in for a newer model. |
Elizabeth
Citizen
Username: Momof4peepers
Post Number: 78
Registered: 12-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 9:02 pm: |
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We started off with twins, so the situation is a little different. But, someone said to me to just accept that someone will always be unhappy. Doesn't mean you're a bad or uncaring mom. But there's one of you and two of them, and it's HARD. What I did was to talk to the one that was unhappy (I know you're hungry too, but mommy can't breastfeed both of you at the same time. In our family, we all take turns, and right now it's X's turn. It'll be your turn soon.) I sometimes felt silly talking to a two month old that way, but it did help in an odd way. Keeping to a schedule helped IMMENSELY when our third came along. The older two didn't have to worry about what was going to happen next. I also would suggest they bring me a book (or whip one out of my super-mommy cape) when nursing and would read to whoever needed attention. My SIL was awesome at nursing #2 in the sling while dealing with #1. I could never get the hang of it, but you might see if a more experience mom can show you how (I wasn't in a very sling-friendly area).
Hang in there. It will get better! |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14370
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 10:04 pm: |
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The message you should bring to your kids, at ALL ages, is "you will get everything you need and some of what you want, too."
In the first few months, try to attend to your daughter first, whenever possible, but don't continue it to a point where she expects better treatment than her brother gets.
Congratulations!
My aunt had the same idea. She wanted to be done with diapers as soon as possible, so my cousins are about 15 months apart.
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Soparents
Citizen
Username: Soparents
Post Number: 363
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 10:29 pm: |
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Tom is right, your daughter needs the reassurance, cuddles, "Mummy time" etc right now, to feel sure that the baby hasn't taken you away from her. But know when to pull back... The baby will get everything he needs from you too, so don't worry.
One thing I did when my youngest came home (I have two girls 21 months apart) was to give my oldest a little gift from the baby, and I told her that the baby was so happy to have a big sister.... it went down very well - after that, I had a little helper, always wanting to check to make sure that her little sister was "ok"
Congratulations!!
Hey, don't forget to look afer yourself too!!!! |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14373
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, May 21, 2006 - 10:47 pm: |
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And don't worry about overplaying that title "big sister." Say it over and over. She'll love it.
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Hamandeggs
Citizen
Username: Hamandeggs
Post Number: 299
Registered: 8-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 5:57 am: |
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I agree that it's best to get out of the house -- to anywhere. It's partly a turf battle so getting off the home turf helps. I know it takes all the energy you can muster just to put on socks (or it did for me), but getting out helps. Even a walk is good.
If you haven't yet, I suggest joining Mothers & More and attending their many group playdates. It's easier than making calls and setting up your own and they usually get a wide range of kids, agewise. And the libe story hours are good too.
It will be fine pretty soon. My friend had 4 under 4 (twins) for a time...gotta be a record. |
New to Maplewood
Citizen
Username: Newtomaplewood
Post Number: 51
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 7:48 am: |
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It's the perfect time of year to find a mother's helper for the summer. A responsible middle-schooler would probably be a huge help for a few hours each day to provide your toddler with some special playtime while you take care of the baby (or take a nap!) |
Wendyn
Supporter
Username: Wendyn
Post Number: 3107
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 9:00 am: |
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Have her "help". Honey, can you get me a diaper? Honey, can you get the blankie? etc. Have her help pick out the baby's clothes, gifts, etc. Tell her what a great big sister she is.
Also agree with the Mother's helper (if you can) and playdates!
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The Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 1974
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 9:26 am: |
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When our younger daughter was born, she came home from the hospital with a fabulous gift for her nearly-three-year-old brother. A big wooden easel with paints! and a big pad of paper to paint on! Big brother thought this new baby was great to bring him such a gift. Nipped the jealousy thing right in the proverbial bud. For a little while, anyway... |
kathy
Citizen
Username: Kathy
Post Number: 1297
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 1:07 pm: |
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It could be worse--my neighbors with the 16-month-old just brought home twins
My mother, who had four kids (with spacings of 12 1/2 months, 14 1/2 months, and 12 months) always said that the biggest transition was from one kid to two. The thinking being that one child leaves you some space of your own, but the second one uses it all up, and after that it's just about dividing yourself up into smaller pieces. Advice like "When the baby naps, you nap" is great for a first baby but not so helpful when you are also running around after a toddler.
I wish you the best! I don't think that I need to add to the good advice that has already been offered, much of which amounts to "Don't make your daughter fight the baby for your attention." You will find your way. |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 3794
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 1:44 pm: |
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"The thinking being that one child leaves you some space of your own."
Wow, Kathy, I wish I had known this when I had only one. Seemed like he left me no space at all! (And BTW, God bless your mom!) 
I think everyone's experience is different. For me, the first was the biggest shock, and by the second, I had a much better understanding of what was required. I think the second actually taught me that I could have a little space of my own, because he made me realize, ultimately, that I didn't have to worry about #1 every minute of every day, that I could shift my attention elsewhere and #1 (and #2) would survive!
Of course, #1 was high maintenance--colicky, not a good sleeper--and #'s 2 and 3 were not, so they were like a dream come true. |
Blue Heeler
Citizen
Username: Blueheeler
Post Number: 45
Registered: 10-2005
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 5:00 pm: |
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Tink,
I can wholeheartedly second trying hard to give your eldest extra attention and make sure that she is a part of the process.
Oh yeah, and getting out of the house as much as possible and pawning off the kids on playdates is a big boon for one's sanity 
I'd say that #1 is maintaining your sense of humor (#2 is building a wine cellar  )
We've had 4 under 2 for a while -- had triplet boys when our daughter was 20 months -- and it gets much easier after a few years, I swear!
One thing we try very hard to do is to give each of our kids some alone time with mommy and daddy (or, at least one of us) on a regular basis, even if for a trivial task, such as going to the store.
Good luck and have fun!
BlueHeeler |
Projects Dude
Citizen
Username: Quakes
Post Number: 144
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 5:12 pm: |
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Hey Tinkrock,
First off, congratulations! We also have two kids with almost exactly the same age difference and they're both still very young. We were lucky that our older kid actually turned out to not be too jealous. Maybe it was his personality to begin with, but it may also have been us consciously getting him involved in the new baby process. We always tried to make it seem like he had a role in helping with the new baby. Perhaps it's more salient now that he's also older and can speak, but somehow when he was 16 months old, he could almost comprehend what we were trying to tell him. |
Pdg
Citizen
Username: Pdg
Post Number: 920
Registered: 5-2004
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 5:30 pm: |
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If you have the resources, consider hiring some daytime help to take your oldest out to various activities. I brought our son home when my daughter was 19 months and she actually never became jealous b/c I had already arranged for day help during the week when I wouldn't have my spouse's help. So, she never stopped going to her Music Together, Gymboree and Messy Artist classes and when they came back home, I'd switch the baby to the helper and give lots of mommy-time to my daughter. It was so well-worth the extra expense! I think we did that for about 9 months or so and slowly tapered off to fewer and fewer days a week.
Luckily, I had someone who was saving money for college from Jan to Sept. and then worked her class load around the few days a week we needed her. It was very mutually beneficial.
BTW, the silver lining is that your two will likely be extremely good friends, especially if the sibling jealously thing is nipped in the bud. Mine are 5 and almost 7 and get along very well (still fight, but overall are very good friends and play together extremely well.)
Try to enjoy these hectic moments, because day to day it seems like eternity, but before you know it they'll be big kids and you'll be ready for number 3!
Best wishes! |
Tinkrock
Supporter
Username: Tinkrock
Post Number: 124
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Monday, May 22, 2006 - 6:15 pm: |
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Thank you all so much. Fortunately, I do have some daytime help...through the summer anyway, and that is going to make a HUGE difference. It's always helpful to get feedback from people who've been through it before, though.
A big part of the reason why we planned it this way is because my sister and I are 14 months apart, and it was really great growing up with a built-in playmate (most of the time!). |
mammabear
Citizen
Username: Mammabear
Post Number: 318
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, May 23, 2006 - 8:12 am: |
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What fun!!! I had 3 under 3 myself! The beginning years were tough but it has totally paid off! My children are very close and love to play with eachother. We don't even need playdates at times! I honestly can't imagine having it any other way.
My advice...don't get too hung up on how your 16 month feels right now...the child is just reacting to change in her world...not the new baby. Try to keep her routine the same, make sure she feels secure and loved, and things will all work out. Almost everyone had to deal with the arrival of a sibling growing up and we all turned out ok! This too shall pass...
Good luck! If you need any specific advice, please feel free to PL me...I know all about being in the weeds with little ones!
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