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Aok
Citizen
Username: Aok
Post Number: 245
Registered: 6-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:22 am: | 
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Here's the background: I walk a few miles every morning. Last Fall, a friend asked to join me because she can't motivate herself to exercise on her own. She was erratic about showing up -- would never call if she was late or not coming and often would not come. Then just dropped it in Feb without calling or returning my 3 calls to see if ebverything was ok. About 2 weeks ago, she asked if she could start walking with me again and is again being erratic. I basically wait 10/15 minutes to see if she is going to show and then go but honestly this annoys me greatly (especially as it gets hot, I'd like to get going earlier not later). I feel bad about my behavior and don't think I should have to call her every a.m. to find out her plans -- she never calls to apologize for not showing up, keeping me waiting etc. Would you continue to wait for this person? I've asked her to call me on mornings when she does want to walk but I did that last time and she just ignored my request.......obviously I'm frustrated and looking for advice, what would my fellow MOL'ers do? |
Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 735
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:25 am: |
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she is selfish. drop her like a hot potato. i'm harsh but i dont tolerate behaviour that is easily corrected. the next time she calls to walk tell her you aren't going. a few times of that and she should get the hint....but that's just me ! |
Pippi
Supporter
Username: Pippi
Post Number: 2268
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:28 am: |
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You have been far more thoughtful and polite to this person than she has been to you. I think you have extended enough courtesy and now you should think about what's best for you. She is clearly too rude to be aware that she is hindering your own schedule and progress.
At this point, I would do your own thing. If she questions it, just tell her you were sure she had "dropped out" again. Get going earlier, at your convenience. If she asks to continue with you, tell her the weather has you out earlier, if she can't be there by XXam on the button, you are starting without her.
good luck!
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Pippi
Supporter
Username: Pippi
Post Number: 2269
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:29 am: |
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I disagree with oldstone
"the next time she calls to walk tell her you aren't going. a few times of that and she should get the hint....but that's just me !"
you have no reason to lie to this woman. Tell her the truth. You want to get started earlier and, frankly, you never know when she just isn't going to show, so you are getting started without her! |
Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 736
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:34 am: |
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pip, yeah you're right about makin •••• up...but at the same time this person obviously doesn't deserve the truth or anything close to it. who cares about lying to her if she has no problem with her own behaviour. and besides, it's only a simple, non-hurtful lie. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 7859
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:39 am: |
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Be firm. If you enjoy her company (when she does show up), then say
"I enjoy it when you walk with me, but I am going to be very disciplined with myself. I'm going to leave the house at 7am every morning, so if you want to join me, that's the time to be here."
And leave it at that. She is oblivious & probably thinks that she can show/no show when she feels like it and is able. Since you specifically asked her to let you know when she is not coming, "rude" gets added to the adjectives.
You have no reason to feel bad; she doesn't. It's not like you planned this together and have a reason to work out mutual convenience (which doesn't sound like her intent, anyway). This is your time and she is your guest. If you invited her to dinner and she didn't show up and never called, would you keep inviting her? |
Soparents
Citizen
Username: Soparents
Post Number: 577
Registered: 5-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:40 am: |
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Aok, Pippe is right
Unfotunately there are people like that..
Don't waste any more energy on this. Go about things (your walk) the way YOU want to. you are doing this for YOU, no-one else. If she wants to go, then she knows your route, and the time you go.
If she questions it, or asks why you didn't wait etc, although you don't owe her an explanation, simply say that this time etc suits your schedule, and if you are going to get the walk in at all, it is this time, and if she wants to join you then great, but you are not going to wait...
Credit to you, I often think about getting a good walk in, but never do!!!!! |
las
Citizen
Username: Las
Post Number: 1777
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:47 am: |
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This is your workout routine, Aok, you have every right to request an on time partner, or else you'll start alone. You're not being rude or selfish or a bully, you are simply getting your exercise.
I've had regular run/walk partners over the years wherein we've met at one or the other's house in the morning, and if one wasn't outside waiting, the other would go on alone. No hard feelings, that's just the way it is.
Really, Aok, you're not a bad person for adhering to your schedule. It's probably a bigger deal for you to muster the courage to speak up than it will be for her to hear it. Good luck! |
Oldstone
Citizen
Username: Rogers4317
Post Number: 737
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:50 am: |
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men are from mars, women from venus. i would handle it the nasty way and you gals would handle it the nice way. being nice about it continues the pattern...and adds to your stress because you will continue to dwell on it and the ramifications it has on your friendship. this person doesn't care about you...this is about her and her convenience. she is using you and causing you stress. stress ages you and is not good for your health. i get rid of careless people in my life.
but boys will be boys and girls will be girls. |
Virtual It Girl
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 4514
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 10:58 am: |
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I'm with Pippi and Las (and everyone else I think) in saying that if she doesn't show up on time leave without her. No excuses necessary.
It's one thing if you arrange it together at a mutually agreed on time where you might compromise, but if this is your routine and your changing things for her and she's not even showing up, I'd forget about it. Doesn't need to mean hard feelings, just that you need to walk and you're on a different schedule than she is.
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Joanne G
Citizen
Username: Joanne
Post Number: 164
Registered: 10-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 11:06 am: |
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Just a suggestion: If you walk a regular route, let her know what it is and that she's welcome to join in whenever she can, wherever she can. That way you can start and finish on time and she doesn't totally miss out on her exercise just because she sleeps in...
...from someone else who really needs an exercise buddy to get started with  |
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 2078
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 11:50 am: |
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Oldstone, I am not entirely in agreement that handling this the "nasty" way is the "male" way of doing it. It is simply being nasty, and lashing out.
I am in agreement with Pippi, Las, VIG, etc., that Aok has extended herself more than enough, and that she needs to put her needs first at this point (I am sort of extrapolating).
Aok - this person is frustrating you, is annoying, and is putting a damper on an activity you seem to enjoy. You have made your wishes clear. If I were in your shoes, I would do the daily walk, and no longer think about waiting for her to call or show up.
And on that note, I am getting ready for my own walk, despite the midday sun. If you see a melted heap with an iPod somewhere along Glen Avenue, that's me. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14531
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 11:57 am: |
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Courtesy requires that you not hurt her feelings, but it does not require that you hide yours. I think you are doing a disservice by not saying how her unreliability annoys you. You should, at the very least, tell her that it doesn't work for you.
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MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 3845
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 12:11 pm: |
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You have been more than accomodating.
I agree that you should explain that you will be walking at a certain time, and only at that time and if she would like to come at that time, you are more than happy to have the company (if, in fact, you are), but that you cannot wait past that time because you need to keep to your schedule. No phone calls required because if you do not see her, you will assume she is unable to join you and you will keep walking. Have the meeting point be somewhere along your route--if it isn't already. Make sure you are not set up to go out of your way to get her if she's so darned unreliable.
Then just go. If she shows, terrific, if not, keep walking. Maybe I'll see you out there. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14536
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 1:16 pm: |
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Oh, and I think the failure to return phone calls deserves a menton, too.
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BGS
Supporter
Username: Bgs
Post Number: 1035
Registered: 10-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:13 pm: |
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I agree with all of the above except the rudeness...I especially like the one about her knowing your route and being welcomed to catch up with you...
You have gone above and beyond and have been a good friend IMHO!
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Jersey_Boy
Citizen
Username: Jersey_boy
Post Number: 931
Registered: 1-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:20 pm: |
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Okay, everybody calm down.
This is both of your faults. SHE said she was unmotivated and needed help with that. You accepted the responsibility of MOTIVATING someone. Then the two of you created a system that does NOTHING to address that. You are supposed to be the active one and you are behaving very passively.
You've put her in control when SHE's a self-identified nincompoop.
Tell her if she still wants your help (she asked for it,) you'll go over to her house and she should be ready at 6:30am (actually go at 7:00.) That's the starting point and the starting time. You leave when you want and she has to anwer you to say, "no thanks." No answer at the door, start walking.
I think when you agreed to this, you didn't realize how serious she was about not being motivated. But you did agree to this.
J.B. |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 3847
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:24 pm: |
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I don't think Aok agreed to be this woman's personal trainer, she simply agreed to let her tag along because this woman seemed to need to tag along with someone to motivate her! I'm very familiar with this situation being someone who tries to walk and someone who is sometimes not very motivated to do so.
J.B. perhaps you need to be a woman to understand? No offense, I'm just sayin'........... |
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 2097
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:28 pm: |
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Whoa - J.B., I think you added a level of complexity that did not exist.
Aok did not expressly agree to be a motivator. From her post, I gather that she walks every day, regardless. The unmotivated friend was using Aok's daily walk as her own motivation - i.e., "if Aok is walking, then I don't have to walk alone".
I do not agree that it is incumbent upon Aok to go to her friend's house. She has been more than accommodating already, and has even extended herself to the point of calling her friend to check in. She has done enough already.
I do agree, however, that the friend seems like a nincompoop. |
pmart
Citizen
Username: Pmart
Post Number: 171
Registered: 7-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:29 pm: |
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No worries - no guilt. Judging by your sometimes walking buddy's actions, the walk is not a priority for her and she seems to feel that these arrangements are informal.
Unless some other promises were made up front (you were going to be her trainer or would phone or wait), there's really no need to have any bad feelings or even any discussions. Just go on with your routine. If she shows up, then great...if not, then great. I wouldn't give it a second thought.
Now, if you're not ok with a sometimes walking buddy and need something more or less, then a discussion is probably in order -- to put an end to it (the walks). |
Projects Dude
Citizen
Username: Quakes
Post Number: 149
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:50 pm: |
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The next time she doesn't show, you should go over to her house slap her around a few times and drag her by her hair along with you on your route...
OK that would be the barbaric response. Ignore. Heat getting to me. 8)
Don't see why you should beat yourself up with guilt over this. The invitation to have her catch up with you on the route makes total sense. |
LilLB
Citizen
Username: Lillb
Post Number: 1735
Registered: 10-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:51 pm: |
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Sorry JB, I disagree with you too  ...Aok's friend was trying to use Aok's model behavior to motivate herself. I don't believe she was asking Aok to actively motivate her into getting her arse out of the house.
Aok - as others suggested, call her to let her know that you're trying to be disciplined and getting a solid start at 7 a.m., so that's when you'll be leaving. If she's there by then, you'll be glad to have her as company. If she's not there by then, you'll just assume that she's decided not to walk that day. |
Jersey_Boy
Citizen
Username: Jersey_boy
Post Number: 932
Registered: 1-2006
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 3:54 pm: |
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"Last Fall, a friend asked to join me because she can't motivate herself to exercise on her own."
Key sentence. I'M just saying...
I think you have to be a woman to end up in a situation like this.
J.B.
GUY SOLUTION:
"Dude, I'm not waiting for you're dumb, lazy *ss any more. Loser."
"F-you!"
"F-you." (Wrestling ensues.) |
Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 2357
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 4:00 pm: |
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I'm with Jersey Boy. |
MeAndTheBoys
Citizen
Username: Meandtheboys
Post Number: 3851
Registered: 12-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 4:09 pm: |
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Of course you are Brett, "boy" being the key word here.
"Guy solution" is definately right on J.B. Except I think I might change the "result" to something more like, "and they both get on with their lives!"  |
Aok
Citizen
Username: Aok
Post Number: 246
Registered: 6-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, May 31, 2006 - 5:13 pm: |
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Thanks for the input -- and I think Meandthe boys hit it on the head -- my perception is
"I didn't agree to be this woman's personal trainer, I simply agreed to let her tag along because she seemed to need to tag along with someone to motivate her!".
There are plenty of professional personal trainers in town this friend could hire.
But as you all are fairly uniamous that it is ok to stick to my schedule without guilt I'll just go at the appointed time -- But also mention she can always catch up with me on the usual route if she wants to join me late -- that was a nice suggestion.
And Jersey Boy is right I guess you have to be a women to end up in this situation..... |
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