| Author |
Message |
    
millie amoresano
Citizen
Username: Millieamoresano
Post Number: 306
Registered: 11-2003
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 12:17 pm: | 
|
My husband and I are in the middle of a divorce. Today he is taking the girls to New York. People have told me that he not allowed to take the kids out of state and others have told me that it is okay for them to go out of state. I did not know that they were going to New York with him this weekend otheriwse I would have asked my attorney. Does anyone know whether they can or cannot go?
Thanks,
Millie |
Jersey_Boy
Citizen
Username: Jersey_boy
Post Number: 1109
Registered: 1-2006
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 1:08 pm: |
|
I think the legal question is only relevant if you and he cannot agree.
J.B. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 8093
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 1:13 pm: |
|
I think that it depends on what your temporary (present) custody agreement is. If he has your permission (and no matter what a ••••-heel he is, I commend you for not putting your kids in a bad position on Father's Day), it shouldn't be an issue. My step-bro is going thru a nasty divorce right now and taking the kid out of state is an issue, but only because his wife is thinking of moving to Florida to be with her family.
If you are not comfortable with anything that he is doing with the kids and think they may be in any danger, by all means talk to your lawyer. Otherwise, you are doing the right thing for your kids by not interfering in their relationship with their father. |
fiche
Citizen
Username: Fiche
Post Number: 163
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 1:55 pm: |
|
I think the advice you are getting actually refers to moving them out of state which is a no-no unless agreed upon by both parties or allowed by the Court. |
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 2284
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 9:49 pm: |
|
It also depends on what you have agreed upon (if anything), either verbally or, more importantly, in writing.
I agree with all of the above posters.
I would also share this bit of personal information: in my agreement, I asked for advance notice if my ex planned to take my children out of state. I am in no way worried that he will either harm or kidnap them; I just wanted to know. But I believe that, unless you have specifically stipulated that your children's father does not have permission at all to take the kids out of state, he is entitled to do so.
Also remember -- and this is truly and understandably difficult -- that you may not want the children to go anywhere at all with their father, let alone out of state, but that does not mean anything legally. I understand, really, really understand, how painful this process is, and I empathize with you.
Another piece of advice: save the asking the attorney stuff for the really big things. Those attorney conversations can really add up -- a little chat about some gripe or concern you may have turns into a lot of money out of your pocket.
Millie, it seems as though you have a lot of support on MOL. I wish you lots of strength getting through this, and please, please do not hesitate to PL me for anything. |
akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 437
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, June 18, 2006 - 11:17 pm: |
|
Try not to let too many people IRL give you advice on custody and visitation issues. They may have their own investment in your situation or make assumptions based on their own hostile divorces or old style custody orders. People, times, court rulings change and hopefully you will be able to forge a workable arrangement for all of you. Think about what is reasonable - what you would hope would be applied to your time with the kids. I'm sure you don't want to have to ask permission or provide notification before taking the kids to the Bronx Zoo.
I truly hope for all your sakes you and your STBX will be able to coparent well, and - if you can - you will not need to worry about details like this. Let their dad be their father - whatever happened between you two, you trusted and loved him enough to have him father your children. You will have to trust him enough to parent them now, even if you are not around at the time. I know this is hard. I'm a mom and a stepmom. But you can do it ... and you really need to.
Finally, I agree - ask these questions here not to your atty. Pay your kids through college not hers!
(This part is general - not in any way a criticism of you or assumption about your lives.) When you live in an area like this, where "out of state" can be 30 minutes away, it is pretty petty for either side to insert a clause about taking the kids out of state. If, and only if, there is a real legal issue, parents could consider asking that advance notification be given for trips over 200 miles, for example. But this applies both ways. The fact that one parent wants to know where they are is not necessarily a legal justification. Asking to be able to contact by cellphone is reasonable; asking for preapproval/notification of itineraries is not. It is controlling and an unacceptable intrusion into the children's time with their other parent. The "gatekeeping" phenomenon is worth reading up on. Often moms are used to making many of the daily decisions and more or less running the kids' lives. It is hard to let go of that role, but they need you to and so does their dad. He may not parent the way mom does. That's OK. |
Eats Shoots & Leaves
Citizen
Username: Mfpark
Post Number: 3438
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 9:54 am: |
|
akb: What a wise and thoughtful post.
ess: Likewise.
|
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14747
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 11:38 am: |
|
The requirement to notify you when travelling out of state may not apply until the divorce is legal. I could be wrong.
The reason for the requirement is the flight risk. The theory is that if he brings them out of state, he might move them there permanently. If you don't think he'll do that, you may not want to be hard-assed about requiring him to notify you every time he takes a short trip that happens to cross a very nearby state line.
Then again, being hard-assed prevents a slippery slope where he may figure that if he can break one rule, he may feel free to break other rules.
So this is going to be a judgement call for you.
|
fiche
Citizen
Username: Fiche
Post Number: 164
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Monday, June 19, 2006 - 6:49 pm: |
|
Akb: I was thinking the same thing about out-of-state being, in some cases, much closer than some places in NJ. For instance, NYC is 12 miles west, Cape May is 150. If you trust the children's father to make adult choices, it is really a matter of common sense and common courtesy. If you feel he needs to tell you when he is taking the children somewhere unusual, then you should probably be informing him of those types of plans also.
Your children's happiness and adjustment is the most important thing for you to focus on right now. Your children are part of both of you. If they see you hating or distrusting their father, they see you hating or distrusting part of them.
I know it seems like it will never end, but keep the faith. MOL will be here pulling for you.
|
argon_smythe
Citizen
Username: Argon_smythe
Post Number: 832
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 11:28 am: |
|
Keep in mind that whatever rule applies to him is also going to apply to you.
|
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 2305
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 12:00 pm: |
|
Argon, that is not necessarily so. It all depends on the custody arrangement, specifically, who is the custodial parent.
The rules can be very different for the custodial parent as opposed to the non-custodial parent. |
Tom Reingold
Supporter
Username: Noglider
Post Number: 14773
Registered: 1-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 3:13 pm: |
|
That may be true, but the trend in NJ and most other states, the courts aim to give joint custody. And there has to be an overwhelming case -- and a torturous trial, usually -- to take legal custody away from one of the parents.
|
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 2313
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 - 3:45 pm: |
|
I only speak from personal experience, and I do have joint legal custody. Very different for each of us. |
Closed: New threads not accepted on this page