Posted on Wednesday, July 13, 2005 - 12:48 am:

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Ah, the check – my favorite part of your meal.

I know this is the part of the dining experience most people could do without. But it's when I get paid! A lot of people are idiots when it comes to the simple act of paying for services rendered so I've compiled a little tutorial to make the whole currency exchange a little smoother.

1. Know when it's time to leave. Are you finished? Plates cleared? Dessert and coffee gone? Are there twenty customers waiting by front door for a table? Is the waiter hovering nervously around your table? Did the hostess offer to get your coats? That's probably because the restaurant needs the table. It's our fault we overbooked the restaurant you say? Not so fast. 15% of reservations never show up! What are we supposed to do? Lose that money? No – so we overbook Take the hint and get out. I know that attitude ticks people off but a restaurant is a BUSINESS - not an extension of your living room. It's time to pay the bill.

2. Ask for the check. Sounds simple right? It's considered rude for a waiter to drop a check without the customer asking first. Some people are unaware of that convention so they sit around pissed off wondering why the waiter hasn't produced the checkbook. We're not psychic! A sure fire way to discreetly ask for the bill is to put your credit card or wallet on the table. We can figure out you want to leave. (However, if you do get the bill before asking for it that's waiter speak for "get out." A tactic usually employed when a waiter's under pressure from management to turn tables and increase revenue. Or the waiter just wants to go home- usually the later.)

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