"walking into bar" jokes

Log Out | Lost Password? | Topics | Search Contact | Register | My Profile | SO home | MOL home

Thread Originator Last Poster Posts Pages Last Post   Closed: New threads not accepted on this page

Author Message   Dave Ross Supporter Username: Dave Post Number: 5748 Registered: 4-1998 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 1:06 pm:        bembo , sabon, perpetua and garamond walk into a bar... the barman shouts "oi we don't want your type in here..." -- A jew, a muslim and a catholic walk into a bar and the barman says 'Is this some sort of joke?' -- Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think the second guy would've ducked. -- A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you? No charge." -- Two surrealists walk into a bar. Fish. -- A termite walks into a bar and asks: "is the bar tender here?" -- An elephant, an eggplant, & a watermelon walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'Alright, I quit.'   ml1 Citizen Username: Ml1 Post Number: 1374 Registered: 5-2002 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 1:16 pm:        Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?"   R S Citizen Username: Rollins23 Post Number: 12 Registered: 9-2002 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 2:14 pm:        A mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says "we don't serve your kind around here". Mushroom says "why not? I'm a fun-ghi."   Tom Reingold the prissy-pants Citizen Username: Noglider Post Number: 1177 Registered: 1-2003 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 2:32 pm:        These two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, "So what'll it be?" The first string says, "I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdk^CjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%^U r89nvy~~owmc63^Dz x.xvcu" "Please excuse my friend," the second string says, "He isn't null-terminated." Tom Reingold There is nothing   Nohero Citizen Username: Nohero Post Number: 2477 Registered: 10-1999 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 2:33 pm:        Two MOL-ers walk past a bar ... (Well, it could happen!)   Tom Reingold the prissy-pants Citizen Username: Noglider Post Number: 1178 Registered: 1-2003 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 2:34 pm:        Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive." Tom Reingold There is nothing   ml1 Citizen Username: Ml1 Post Number: 1375 Registered: 5-2002 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 2:37 pm:        Descartes walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. After he finishes, the bartender says, "Mr. Descartes, would you like another?" Descartes replies "I think not." POOF! He disappears.   greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 1836 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 3:56 pm:        A burrito walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says "sorry - we don't serve food here". Don't tell this to the 7-year older of a southern bible-belter and expect them to find it child friendly. Huh. Go figure.   bak Citizen Username: Bak Post Number: 396 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 4:25 pm:        A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. From out of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You look great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the only other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way at the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer. "That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again. The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes." The guy freaks out, and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!" As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!" "Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender. "Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."   bak Citizen Username: Bak Post Number: 397 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 5:24 pm:        A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers....like a telephone....on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble here. The guy says, 'You don't understand. I'm very high-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.' The bartender says 'Prove it.' The guy dials a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation. 'That's incredible', says the bartender....'I would never have believed it!' 'Yeah', said the guy, 'I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the men's room?' The bartender directs him to the men's room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn't return. Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men's room. There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his ass. 'Oh my God!' cries the bartender. 'Did they rob you? Are you hurt?' The guy turns to him and says: 'No, I'm ok........I'm just waiting for a fax.   Ukealalio Citizen Username: Ukealalio Post Number: 203 Registered: 6-2003 Posted on Monday, November 24, 2003 - 6:28 pm:        A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender draws him one and gives him $5 out of the register. Guy scratches his head, downs the beer and orders another. This time bartender draws a beer opens the register and gives the patron $10. Guy finally say's- How can you own a bar, where you pay patrons for drinking your beer ?. Bartender say's-I don't own the bar, the guy who does is upstairs with my wife. I'm doing to him, what he's doing to her.   CFA Citizen Username: Cfa Post Number: 996 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 5:12 am:        LOL, bak   Cubeless Citizen Username: Cubey Post Number: 21 Registered: 9-2003 Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 9:40 am:        A giraffe walks into a bar and says "The highballs are on me".   botulismo Citizen Username: Botulismo Post Number: 107 Registered: 7-2001 Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 11:10 am:        A guy walks into a bar, Ouch!   Marvin Gardens Citizen Username: Marvin_gardens Post Number: 17 Registered: 11-2003 Posted on Tuesday, November 25, 2003 - 6:56 pm:        A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve string in here" so the piece of string goes back outside, ties himself up and tussles his ends and goes back inside. The bartender says "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" and the string says "Nope, I'm a frayed knot" _______________ Do Not Pass Go   flugermongers Citizen Username: Flugermongers Post Number: 76 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Wednesday, December 24, 2003 - 1:13 am:        Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a-salted. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road." ...and my favorite (of ones that have not already been said): A dyslexic man walks into a bra.   Soda Citizen Username: Soda Post Number: 1155 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Wednesday, December 24, 2003 - 7:36 am:        A mime walks into a bar, pulls up a stool, and gestures that he'd like the bartender to pour him a beer. The bartender pulls out a baseball bat from behind the bar and repeatedly pummels the mute customer over the head, killing him. A few barstools over, another customer angrily rebukes the barkeep, yelling "A mime is a terrible thing to waste!"   tom Citizen Username: Tom Post Number: 1702 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 3:18 pm:        Charles Manson walks into a bar, says, "is it hot in here or am I crazy?"   mfpark Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 103 Registered: 9-2001 Posted on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 3:24 pm:        A Panda walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a meal. When the meal finally arrives, he eats it quickly, then shoots a drunk, and leaves the bar. A patron walks over to the bartender and asks, "What was that all about?" The bartender replies, "Look up 'panda' in the dictionary, pal." And so, the patron retrieves his Webster's dictionary from his coat pocket and looks up the word 'panda.' "What's it say?" asks the bartender. The patron replies with a grin, "Eats shoots and leaves."   NRL Citizen Username: Nrl Post Number: 399 Registered: 8-2003 Posted on Friday, December 26, 2003 - 9:27 pm:        3 guys walk into a bar, a priest a pedifile and a child molester...and then the other 2 guys walk in.   monster Citizen Username: Monster Post Number: 57 Registered: 7-2002 Posted on Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 9:48 pm:        A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I hear you have a genie hidden here and for $10,000 you will let anyone make a wish?" The bartender nods so the man hands him $10,000. Then the bartender says "See the midget over there playing the piano? Ask him to see the genie." The man goes and asks the midget to see the genie and without saying a word the genie hops off his stool, pushes the piano aside to reveal a door and ushers the man in. A moment later there is a huge ruckus and all you can hear is QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK QUACK Then the door explodes open and out comes the man in a tidal wave of ducks and feathers. He immediately wades through the ducks and up to the bartender. "YOUR STUPID GENIE! I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS AND I GOT A MILLION DUCKS!!!!!!" And the bartender replies "The genie is hard of hearing, do ya think I asked for a 3 foot pianist? ------------------ A guy walks into a bar with a Frog on his head. The Bartender asks, "Where'd you get that?" The Frog replies, "It started out as a wart on my a$$". ------------------ A dog limps into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."   Phil Citizen Username: Barleyrooty Post Number: 734 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 12:57 am:        A drunk has been hanging out all day in his favorite bar drinking captain morgans and ginger ale. He eventually decides to leave and as he steps out of the bar he sees a nun. The drunk walks up to the nun and without pause punches her dead in the mouth. the nun drops, but the drunk doesn't let up. He begins to kick her and even jumps on top of her, punching her relentlessly in the mouth, nose, and eyes; body blow, body blow. Finally, the drunk stops his assault, gets off the nun, stands up and says, 'see, you're not so tough after all, batman."   monster Citizen Username: Monster Post Number: 59 Registered: 7-2002 Posted on Thursday, January 1, 2004 - 8:54 pm:        A baby seal walks into a bar. "Whaddya have?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian club," replies the baby seal. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••• So this baby harp seal walks into a club. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• Celine Dion walks into a bar... Bartender says: "So, why the long face?" ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "Have you seen my father?" "I don't know," the bartender replies, "what's he look like?" ••••••••••••••••••••••••••• A grasshopper jumps up on a bar and the bartender says: "We have a drink named after you". The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Bob?"