| Author |
Message |
    
debby
Citizen
Username: Debby
Post Number: 98
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 21, 2003 - 10:59 pm: |     |
 Help needed.
My Dad is only 70, but declining. Already diagnosed with early dementia. I have already been uncomfortable with his driving for some time, but it's now getting downright scary.
It's not getting lost that concerns me, but rather reaction time/judgement/awareness. He recently had an accident that scraped up the whole right side of the car, which he never told my mother about (did he think she wouldn't notice the scrapes and concrete marks?)
I'm interested in hearing any advice about how to encourage/coerce my father to stop driving. It is complicated by the fact that he is very defensive about any suggestion that he can't do something.
Is this something that the doctor could help with, maybe?
Any advice will be greatly appreciated. |
joy
Citizen
Username: Joy
Post Number: 128
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 8:34 am: | |
Just went through this in July.
My father has parkenson's and early dementia. He had 4 accidents - and still wouldn't stop driving. And he is very defensive and nasty at times. IF you have someone who can talk to your father - great - we didn't have that option.
First, research the laws in the state your father is in - mine is in NY. We found that age is not a factor in determining fitness to drive. And that in NY we could only petition that DMV to 'reavaluate' his driving ability. Finding a dotcor is hard - because of people like my father - since he's been threatening to sue the doctor that wrote the note that we enclosed with the letter to the DMV that eventually got his liscense suspended. So to all those doctors out there who have the guts to do the right thing - I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You saved a life - you may never know who it was - but my father was getting more and more dangerous behind the wheel - and you stopped him from either taking himself out or someone else.
Yes - talk to his doctor. Tell him about your dad's accident. Do NOT go with your father - go bu yourself and with your siblings and mom if you can. Tell him exactly what you posted. Also - look into alternate means of transport - from cabs to the Dept of Ageing programs in the county he lives in.
This will not be easy - but you now have the obligation to keep your dad and the rest of the public safe - please don't give up.
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SoOrLady
Citizen
Username: Soorlady
Post Number: 205
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 9:12 am: | |
Amen Joy! My father-in-law's eyesight was failing but he insisted that he could still see well enough to "get by". When he mentioned that he couldn't see the orange cones in the street, I took that as an opening and said "So if there was a small child in an orange jacket in the street you wouldn't see him?" He stopped driving shortly thereafter. His wife, who doesn't drive and unhappy at losing her transportation fought it - until I asked her if she was willing to risk everything she owns. I swore that if he was involved in an accident, I would let the other party know that the man was nearly (and most likely legally) blind. Sometimes you've got to be tough. |
imacgrandma
Citizen
Username: Imacgrandma
Post Number: 203
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 9:42 am: | |
Joy and SoOrLady have given you the ultimate best advice. I went the doctor route twice. I hope I am wise enough to know when to give up my car. It certainly will be a difficult decision. Hopefully, I can make it for myself. A car is an appendage to most of us. |
bobk
Supporter
Username: Bobk
Post Number: 4108
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 9:59 am: | |
One of my wife's cousins had this issue with his father. He disabled the car. Not nice, but effective.
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sportsnut
Citizen
Username: Sportsnut
Post Number: 791
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 12:40 pm: | |
Please do what you can. My grandfater drove himself to work everyday until age 86. He insisted on "working" everyday, even if it was only a trip to his office to take a nap. One day in October of 1993 he was driving home and proceeded to make a left hand turn into the path of an oncoming pick-up truck. Inside the truck was a young mother and her infant. His perception and reaction time were nowhere near what they should have been and his car was struck almost head-on. Fortunately the young woman was able to apply her brakes to lessen the impact of the two cars probably saving her life and the life of her child. Unfortunately, the crash took the life of my grandfather. I had recently passed the CPA exam and forwarded my new business cards to him. He had it prominently displayed in his wallet and as a result I was the second person they called (after my grandmother). First I received news that he had been in an accident. I called my mom at work and no more than half an hour later I received the second call that he had passed. The next call was probably the hardest I've ever had to make - again to my mom to tell her that her dad had died.
Although we lost a dear relative it could have been far worse. At some point in time you have to put your foot down, no different than preventing a drunk driver from getting behind the wheel.
Best of luck to you. |
Lizziecat
Citizen
Username: Lizziecat
Post Number: 118
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 12:54 pm: | |
My father died of Alzeimers several years ago. The disease can run its course over several years, with increasing dementia and disability. Your faamily should plan now for your father's future care, and especially for help for your mother, who will probably be his primary caregiver. Try joining a support group, such as the Alzheimers' Association. Help is available if your parents will accept it. Unfortunately, mine didn't, and caring for my father ruined my mother's health as well. |
sac
Citizen
Username: Sac
Post Number: 854
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 1:21 pm: | |
I used a similar argument as SoOrLady with my mother after she had an accident with a gatepost. I asked her how she would have felt if it had been a child.
I never spoke to her doctor directly, but I did once suggest that she ask her doctor about it. He wasn't much help ... said that he didn't see any problem with driving in the neighborhood as long as she stayed off the highway. My reaction to that to her was that an accident at slow speed might be less fatal to her, but it was probably more likely to hurt a child since it was in a residential area. (Part of the same guilt trip as the above.)
She grumbled and still complains about not driving, but she did give it up.
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susan1014
Citizen
Username: Susan1014
Post Number: 66
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 1:24 pm: | |
What is the best way to report terrible driving on the behalf of an elder who I don't know? The man doing amazing stupid things in front of us a few weeks ago was driving with his purple heart license plates -- I respect his age and sacrifice to our country, but would hate to be sideswiped by him!
I still have his license plate number somewhere, but am unclear as to whether the authorities will look into things (or contact his relatives), based only on my say-so. Obviously this is a question that could apply to young bad drivers also, but the senior citizen thread triggered my memory! |
Me again
Citizen
Username: Deborahg
Post Number: 733
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 7:59 pm: | |
On a related topic, those of you with relatives whose driving has deteriorated--please never, never get in the car with them. My dad had this problem and the hardest thing was explaining that neither I nor my kids would be going in a car with him again. He was mad at me for years, but I still think it was essential and am glad we did it. Wish we'd done it sooner, in fact. |
SoOrLady
Citizen
Username: Soorlady
Post Number: 213
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 9:52 pm: | |
Excellent advice, Me again. |
debby
Citizen
Username: Debby
Post Number: 99
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 22, 2003 - 11:19 pm: | |
Wow. Thank you all.
Spoke to my Mom today, and she said that the estimate was $4700 for the body work (no other vehicle was affected). The accident happened in the rain, at night, and he has now at least acknowledged that he shouldn't drive at night in poor weather (it's a start).
They have put the claim through insurance, and i am hopeful that an enormous insurance surcharge will make my mother put her foot down. When push comes to shove, I think she is the only one who can actually force this change.
It is already clear that I will not let him drive my children anywhere, but I don't think I can forbid my mother from riding with him.
Very complicated and very sad. I will call the gerontologist after the holidays.
Thank you again |
lamojo
Citizen
Username: Lamojo
Post Number: 63
Registered: 7-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 9:20 am: | |
My grandmother drove (to church, to the grocery) until she was 92 (she's still kicking at 95 now)...her insurance premiums finally went too high for her to afford and that's what got her off the road..... |
redY67
Citizen
Username: Redy67
Post Number: 209
Registered: 2-2003
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 10:43 am: | |
The same thing happened with my father. He would not give up driving. My sister and I begged him for years to stop driving. He would only laugh and said we didn't know what we were talking about. I wouldn't allow him to drive with my kids in the car, and he thuoght I was nuts.
After years of talking to him, we finally convinced him to go to the doctor and get tested for Alzheimers. It turns out he has a disease that causes dimentia as well as Parkinson's. Two different doctors told him he shouldn't drive anymore. Finally he realized my sister and I aren't crazy, and has stopped driving. |
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