Soda Presents: MR. CHATTERBOX

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Author Message   Soda Citizen Username: Soda Post Number: 952 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 5:42 pm:        Everything's better in Sarasota. Well, not really, but one hopes it is. After all, isn't one paying 150% more for everything? One is. It's like St. Barth's with less taste and no French. BUT. One can get The World's Best Black Bean Soup at Columbia Restaurant on St. Armand's Circle. Yes one can. When one is in Sarasota, one may even dare to hope to meet up with Mr. Chatterbox, himself, the exceedingly adequate society columist for the very fabulous "Sarasota Magazine" (sorry, no link provided at the insistence of said fabulous publication...). The following "MR. CHATTERBOX" commentary is brought to you as a public service: MR. CHATTERBOX …on the end of the world as we know it. Sorry this column is late. I’ve been so busy preparing for war that I just haven’t had a minute. Can you believe this is going to be my sixth war? Let’s see-there was World War II (I was born on the very last day), the Korean War, the Cold War, Vietnam, the Gulf War, and now this. You think I would have gotten good at it, but I’ll tell you-there’s always some new wrinkle. This time it looks like we might actually be attacked in some way, like on 9/11, so I am taking those “to do” lists very seriously. Fortunately, they are rather like hurricane to-do lists, so us Floridians have a definite advantage. The first thing you’re supposed to do is prepare a kit. It doesn’t say what to use as the actual kit, though, so until I figure this out I’m using plastic garbage bags. Into these I have placed three days worth of food and water for two humans (me and the au pair), a dog (Peanut) and a cat (Meeshaun), my new electric can opener, medicines both over and under the counter, a wrench, diapers (just in case), my will, three Mexican gold coins, and some Tupperware. All these things, by the way, are on the official government list, except for the gold coins, which ought to be. And they tell you to bring a non-electric can opener, but I’m sorry, I just hate ’em. I’ve also purchased five rolls of duct tape and 120 yards of plastic sheeting. This is so you can seal off your doors and windows in case of a biological or chemical attack. I am so hoping this doesn’t happen. After the war, when we rip the tape off, big chunks of paint will come off, too, you mark my words. Oh, and you need a pair of scissors. That’s in case you get exposed to lethal agents; you should cut your clothes off, not pull them over your head. Oh, dear, that reminds me-I totally forgot about clothes. They say that if there is an attack, you can’t count on help for 48 to 72 hours. How much underwear is that? Do you think I could just wear the diapers? The next thing you have to do is designate two family meeting places, one near home and one not near home. We’ve chosen the Five O’Clock Club on Hillview as the one near home and Sugar and Spice Amish Restaurant on Cattlemen as the one not near home. At Sugar and Spice we will have the added advantage of being surrounded by Mennonites, who, I feel, will be good people to be around in this sort of situation. They probably know some real good prayers. And what if there’s a radiological attack, which I believe is also known as an “atomic bomb”? You’re supposed to seek shelter below ground, not an easy task in Florida. The only person I know with a basement is Vivian Cooke and I haven’t spoken to her in years. I guess I’d better give her a call and “make nice.” And if you’re caught outside when the atom bomb drops, the government says to “lie on the ground and cover your head.” Good advice, certainly, but then what?   nan Citizen Username: Nan Post Number: 737 Registered: 2-2001 Posted on Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 7:16 pm:        I thought my parents were the only Floridians who talked like that! Once, when a major hurricane was headed straight for their condo, I frantically called them to discuss their evacuation plans. My mother's only response was "Oh, yeah, I bought some cold cuts."   mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 1527 Registered: 5-2001 Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 5:41 pm:        In the event of an attack, I packed my car trunk with many bottles of red wine (compliments of Bobk and Hank's wine cellars), but, thank god there wasn't one, because I didn't pack a cork screw. Hic.