| Author |
Message |
    
Steven Brent
Citizen
Username: Sbrent
Post Number: 105
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 9:25 am: |     |
My dear friend Patrick took his own life in December.
I'm posting this because I really wanted to talk to him last night, and it got me really missing him.
I'm hoping that if anyone reading this has been through something similar, they could share some ways to deal with it. Not that it has been interfering with my life, but it still hurts.
Sorry if this is depressing, I don't mean it to be, but there's more to MOL than politics, right?
Thanks  |
Hank Zona
Citizen
Username: Hankzona
Post Number: 514
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 10:01 am: | |
Steven,
Theres always something more one could have said or done, or wanted to have said or done..and if you dwell on that, you will miss out on the positive memories and the fact you had a relationship with someone where you did and said and shared alot of incredible things. The pain you feel has a direct correlation to the closeness you had with your friend, and it sucks, but you wouldnt trade what you once had to feel less hurt now.
One way to deal with it is to continue to live your life... and to try to be to others on some levels what your friend was to you. Another way is to talk about it or write about it..its hard, and talking about it often sends you off on an emotional jag, but it feels good to talk about someone positively too..it keeps them vividly inside of your thoughts and your heart and helps you get a balance of your emotions back rather than keeping the hurt in solely. Finally, dont forget the family of your friend. They have alot of comfort and support in the days immediately after the death, but its when everyone gets back to their lives that it gets especially sad and lonely. Striking a balance between trying to stay in contact to lend some support and not wanting to intrude can be walking a fine line and theres no formula or textbook outlining what to do. Trust your instincts about what is right and appropriate, whether it be a phone call, a note, a visit.
And Steven, its things like this that put politics and Soapboxes and everything else in perspective. |
akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 101
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 11:14 am: | |
Steven I am so sorry that Patrick is no longer with us. One of my dearest friends died very suddenly a month ago, at only 30. I miss her more than I can explain. I have even thought of sending emails to her account. I don't send them but I do talk to her, internally, and I have tried to change my own life in small ways which I feel honour her. |
thegoodsgt
Citizen
Username: Thegoodsgt
Post Number: 201
Registered: 2-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 12:50 pm: | |
Steven,
I lost my best friend in an accident more than 10 years ago, and I still have not replaced his friendship. It's going to take time. What has helped me "cope" is discovering how his influence in my life continues to this day (he was the big brother I never had). I occassionally find myself stopping and saying to myself, "Oh, that's what he would've done or said." I don't think you can separate the influence of others from your personality; they really do become a part of who you are.
As akb said, changing your life is important, too, so that a friend's untimely death is not completely in vain. I've tried to be much more diligent over these last 10 years to be more appreciative of my friends. I try to call them more frequently than I might have otherwise, and I try to explicitly tell them what they mean to me. I don't always success, but I try.
It's a cliche, but time will help heal the pain. |
Steven Brent
Citizen
Username: Sbrent
Post Number: 108
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 2:14 pm: | |
Thanks to those who have responded....
It's a strange thing to know someone is gone, and yet feel as though if you turned around fast enough, they would be standing there with you....
I should probably get more F2F human contact, get more connected with people; I'm more of a computer guy, but that definitely leaves some major holes in your life. |
akb
Citizen
Username: Akb
Post Number: 102
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 3:34 pm: | |
Steven, I think there is a need for both solitude and company, as cliched as that sounds. After our son was stillborn in 1999, I hunkered down and interacted more through the internet than in real life. I could type words I'd never have been able to say. Another forum, in which I have participated many years, was like a journal for me. In time, I needed to peep outside again and that was when I realized that my good friends were still there, waiting until I could come back out.
I wanted to add that I agree with Hank about making gentle, tentative contact with Patrick's family, if you have not already done so. You might all benefit. I am much closer to Gina's family now than I was when she was living, but it gives us a shared bond, a loss we understand.
Take care of yourself, Steven. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 1470
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 4:34 pm: | |
Steven-
I am so sorry for your loss. You didn't mention this, but I want to say it anyway: it is not your fault and you could not have prevented him from doing what he did.
I lost a very close friend this way years ago. There were three of us who were glued at the hip. The other friend of the trio was torn up with guilt. She kept saying "if I had done this, if I had done that, I should've known...".
It took a long time for her to stop feeling guilty, and we had each other. One thing that did help is that at the funeral, I saw a few people from whom I'd drifted apart. We had all been friends once and went our separate ways. We got together & were able to share and laugh. We've since drifted again, but at that time and place, knowing our deceased friend in the old days was a bond & a source of comfort when we got together to talk. |
mem
Citizen
Username: Mem
Post Number: 1525
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 5:06 pm: | |
Steven,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel. I lost a good friend on 9/11, someone I had been friends with for over 10 years - he had dated my sister years ago and they ended up being very close friends also. He was a great person, and so much fun. He had helped me out many times over the years, and I always cheerfully took him for granted. Now that he is gone I miss him horribly, there is so much regret, and so many things I want to tell him.
I cringe when I think what he must have gone through on 9/11, it's unbearable. Though I don't believe in an afterlife, I sometimes imagine that if there is one, he is there having the time of his life and is keeping a place warm for us, and that when my time comes he will come and get me like he used to. As corny as it sounds, it makes me feel better to look at a star and imagine that's him up there. The pain is always there, however it will get easier to deal with as you become accustomed to it.
The one and only positive thing is that I no longer take the important people and friends and family in my life for granted. I wish you all the best as you go through this.
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Joan
Citizen
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 1427
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, February 20, 2003 - 9:42 pm: | |
Steven:
You may have lost the physical manifestation of your friend but your friend's spirit is obviously still with you and will be forever.
There is no reason why you can't speak with your friend now whenever you wish. You obviously knew your friend well enough in life to know what he would say in death.
It's the suicide part that is the most difficult to accept. It is only natural to assume that there should have been something you could have done to prevent his taking his own life. However, you know this isn't true because if you could have done something you would have.
Cherish your friend's memory always! |
ajc
Citizen
Username: Ajc
Post Number: 887
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Friday, February 21, 2003 - 12:09 am: | |
Steven,
I lost four friends over the years this way. It's a terrible disease, very difficult to accept, and almost impossible to detect. I've never forgotten them, and I think of them often. It's these thoughts, and the sharing of your feelings that will keep them alive forever.
Best wishes, Art.
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Steven Brent
Citizen
Username: Sbrent
Post Number: 118
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Friday, February 21, 2003 - 9:23 am: | |
Thanks to everyone for your kind and thoughtful words.
Patrick would regularly call me and speak of his desire to die.
I like to believe that our conversations gave him hope enough to carry on for a while, so I don't exactly feel guilty, as I don't believe I could do any more than I did.
You might not know it from my contributions to certain other forums here, but I believe that love is the most important thing in the world.
It just breaks me up though that love was not enough to keep my friend alive.
I have his Mother's phone number and that of another friend of his; will take the suggestions and contact them... |
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