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Message |
    
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 1854
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 3:33 pm: |     |
OK- I know that there will be those of you who will post to remind me that there are many people, especially this time of year, who would give anything to have their mothers around to drive them nuts. If I appear insensitive, I apologize. Please know that, usually, I know I am lucky to have her.
That said.....
Mom is in the finance industry. When I was younger, I relied on her for advice and investments. As the years have gone on, The Spouse and I have decided that mixing family and business are a no-no, especially money.... ("what do you mean you can't afford to come home and visit; you have that account.....").
So, we've been slowly extricating ourselves. Unfortunately, I have one issue on which I must deal with her & I was upfront about letting her know that I want to go through someone else.
You would think I just tried to murder her. She's using levels of guilt beyond what I'd think that any mother, even a Jewish one, could be capable. And it's the covert kind, too.
ARGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH
She's going to force me to be very mean & then I will forever be the bad guy.
Thank you for listening. |
Soda
Citizen
Username: Soda
Post Number: 1103
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 5:15 pm: | |
Guilt is good. Guilt works. |
jgberkeley
Supporter
Username: Jgberkeley
Post Number: 3365
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 6:13 pm: | |
I'll trade you your mother for my mother-in-law for a week.
Sounds like you have it easy.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; professionals built the Titanic. |
Duncan
Citizen
Username: Duncanrogers
Post Number: 1249
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 6:41 pm: | |
not that you want to hear this but no one can make you feel guilty. You feel guilty all by yourself. If you take the right route for the right reasons then there is no guilt. Existential angst...thats a whole other kettle of fish.
Good luck. I recently had the experience where a dear friend of mine auditioned for a film I was shooting, while good...she was not right for the film. I did everything to explain this to her and make her understand that the decision I made was a business/artistic one and not a personal one but to no avail. I have not had any contact with her since I spoke with her about it. Sure I miss her and have and will continue to reach out, but I won't feel guilty about it. I made a decision I believe in and went with it, the result speaks for itself (If I can ever pin down an editor). So hang in there. If you are doing the thing for the right reasons and not because your mom bugs the hell out of you then you will both survive.
"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"
Wayne Gretzky |
Brett
Citizen
Username: Bmalibashksa
Post Number: 459
Registered: 7-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 9:53 pm: | |
I try to turn the guilt the other way.
“Mom I’m trying to toss some work this guys way cause he’s got a family”
“Mom I know you’re usually right but let me learn this one myself”
“Mom what can I can I do? She hates you not me, I wish I had listened to you sooner”
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thegoodsgt
Citizen
Username: Thegoodsgt
Post Number: 322
Registered: 2-2002
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 8:41 am: | |
Duncan has it right. It's her problem, not yours. As Dr. Stephen Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) would say, you have responsibility...that is, the "ability" to "respond" to her in any way you'd like.
I'd respond to her with, "I'm sorry you feel that way," and then with no response. |
shh
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 790
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 9:11 am: | |
My mom and I have a really good relationship. We tell each other how we feel about most things, but sometimes I do or say something a little insensitive. Generally, my mom tries to avoid the confrontation after she tells me how bad I made her feel. (That's her typical MO, she goes into her room to play solitaire, or sneaks chips or something like that.) As opposed to my "totally-in-your-face" way of dealing with things. (I guess I am a reaction to her passive-aggression?) Recently, I said something to my daughter in regard to my mom that upset her. Basically she told me off and hung up on me. I tried to explain myself, but knowing her way of dealng, I just gave her some time. We speak several times a day normally, and I think we went a whole day without speaking. (Imagine that!) My sister even called me to tell me how upset "mommy" was. (Aren't sisters good for that?!) The next day I called her at work, and talked about something of a mutual interest ("oh, I looked at that stuff you wanted me to get for the girls...") and then point blank I apologized to her for hurting her feelings but explained why I told my kid what I did. After I apologized (even though I wasn't REALLY sorry for what I said , just for hurting her feelings) everything went back to normal.
If your Jewish mom is like mine (though I don't know if the midwestern kind is at all like the Brooklyn kind!) she'll feel better just knowing you realized you said something to hurt her and didn't wish to do that.
Or send her a funny e-card. (If she knows how to get online, which my mom does not!) |
Soda
Citizen
Username: Soda
Post Number: 1106
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 9:49 am: | |
Guilt is all around me, it's everywhere I go.
So if you're really guilty, come on & let it show.
Love means always having to say you're sorry.
Give just a little bit more,
Take a little bit less
From each other tonight.
Admit what you're feeling
And see what's in front of you:
It's never out of your sight.
The guilt is what makes it great.
The Midwestern kind is just like the Brooklyn kind, only more boring. The Italian kind begets agita instead of shpilkes.
If it's not your fault, find somebody else to blame. Then move on. If it IS your fault, fix it. Then move on. If you can't do either, wallow in it, and post on this thread regularly. |
ffof
Citizen
Username: Ffof
Post Number: 1680
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 10:07 am: | |
"Call me Mr. Guilty" - Loudon Wainwright III |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 1855
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 11:21 am: | |
Oh- I know you are all correct. Trust me; I'm a summa cum laude therapy graduate (required if you are a Jewish lesbian living in New York, which I was for many years  ).
It's not so much that I feel guilty, because I really don't. It aggravates me that the preponderance of our conversations are based on her attempting to ignite guilt. I tend to let her ramble, but still, it is very annoying. I used to try to explain why something she said bothered me, but all she heard was criticism. At one point, I thought about severing the relationship, but I decided that, since you only get one Mom & it's luck of the draw, that her constant complaining was not a good reason.
As the only daughter and oldest, I put my foot down years ago and informed her that I would not carry messages to my brothers on what horrible ingrates they were at any given moment. When she slips and starts to kvetch, I say "so, call him and tell him". She stops. It's great.
When it comes to ways I've wronged her, there is no solution!!!! It is, apparently, always my job to put her feelings and needs first. She tends to see the glass half empty & I tend to see it half full. So, I will do business with the new guy & swallow mom's attutude.
Soda, my friend, you are right. Expect to hear from me often! |
shh
Citizen
Username: Shh
Post Number: 791
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 11:46 am: | |
At least venting helps!
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amandacat
Citizen
Username: Amandacat
Post Number: 323
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 12:00 pm: | |
If you want to feel better about your dysfunctional, guilt ridden relationship with your mother (and who doesn't?), take a look at the short essay that begins "My mother is a lively, intelligent woman . . ", from the Reader's Write section of the September issue of The Sun magazine:
It's on page three of the .pdf document, I hope you can get to it (not sure if .pdf files can actually be uploaded on MOL) because I found it to be really quite an eye opener. |
greenetree
Supporter
Username: Greenetree
Post Number: 1858
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Sunday, December 7, 2003 - 2:21 pm: | |
Well- I told mom that I had looked into several options and that I want to have a full range of choices, since hers are more on the expensive side.
I was declared "insulting".
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