| Author |
Message |
    
Dave
Citizen
Username: Dave
Post Number: 594
Registered: 4-1998
| | Posted on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 - 11:42 pm: |     |
Dear Grundig S350, my trusty shortwave radio,
You with the name only a mother could love: despite having the Internet, I enjoy your ability to tune into programs all over the world. I travelled with your baby brother when I was in China so I could learn important Chinese phrases from the BBC like, "Just because I'm a foreigner doesn't mean I'm going to pay 700 yuan for that fish."
Are you hanging out with my alarm clock? I ask because when I switch you on you automatically set yourself to be on for 75 minutes. If I press the on button again, it decreases to 60 minutes; then to 45, 30, 15,1 and off. There's no permanent "on" state. Why the limit? You are truncating my news, man! Not cool.
Is this one of the secret provisions of the Patriot Act? The sunglass-wearing, black helicopter riding G-men don't want me listening to "Learn Russian" or The Hitchikers Guide? Spacebo for nothing! Or maybe it's a safety issue? Maybe the white-robed, goggle-wearing scientists at Underwriter Laboratories think the radio will explode if I leave it on longer than 75 minutes.
I'm spending my life jumping up and down hitting appliances. |
DeborahG
Citizen
Username: Deborahg
Post Number: 1084
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 6:57 am: | |
Dear Daughter's Alarm Clock,
I was so excited to find you at the Target -- your sleek shape, your myriad features. How thrilled she will be to choose between waking to her favorite CD or Radio Disney, I thought. Cruel destroyer of all our hopes! No matter how we set you, the house reverberates with a squawking beep that frightens the cat, traumatizes the dog, and wakes our neighbors as far away as West Orange. Worst of all, each morning I contend with a cranky nine-year-old who grumbles, "The stupid alarm clock did it AGAIN, MOM."
Worst of all, I can't find your receipt or warranty card. I fear your cacophonous klaxon will follow us to our graves. |
Duncan
Citizen
Username: Duncanrogers
Post Number: 3575
Registered: 12-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 9:14 am: | |
Dear Nordic Gym Set
What profound expectation when you joined our then childless family. Off to St. John's for a week and the phrase was "big fish, little bikini's". How foolish we were then. So young and innocent, and with a master bed room big enough for a pool table (which would have lasted longer methinks were it not for the clicking of the balls.....DONT TOUCH THAT POSSIBLE JOKE ANYONE) we set you up in the corner. 20 minutes a day 5 days a week. No problem. We were young, childless and ambitious. What could possibly have made us turn on you? Or was it that you turned on us? Was it the constant smacking of the head with the arm bars? the chafing inside my knees every time I tried to do leg lifts cause I am too tall for your tiredass machinery? My wife, bless her heart, feared you. She thought you would tear her limbs off. Is that any way to act in someones bedroom.
Finally, with "scavanger night" approaching I got out the pliers, wrenches, hammers, and other assorted Tim Allen paraphanalia and began the deconstruction. As I worked these lyrics flooded my head..
"talked up all night
still came to no conclusion.
started a fight that ended
in silent confusion.
And as we sat stuck
I could hear the trash truck
makin its way
through the neighboorhood.
Picking up the thrown out
different from house to house
we get to decide what we think is no good."
there ya have it dude. Out you went, in all your myriad pieces.
I still have your little brother the nordic track. I have worn its ropes through skiing out my frustrations. But it too gathers dust.
The act of having a child limits the opportunities to reunite with the physical self pre-40. Ah well, time for another donut and some juice.
Adios Gym set. I never did catch the big fish, but my wife looked great in the little bikini 
|
thegoodsgt
Citizen
Username: Thegoodsgt
Post Number: 693
Registered: 2-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 9:45 am: | |
Dear alarm clock,
And another thing....
Why, for crying out loud, is your snooze button placed next to your other buttons that are used to set the time and alarm? Surely you must realize that when your alarm goes off, I'm not in a clear state of mind. I almost always hit the wrong button, and in some cases have found that I cannot turn off your alarm. (Remember that morning I cursed you as I unplugged you from the wall?)
The next time you talk to your maker, tell Him to place only the snooze button on top of you and to make it easily identifiable by touch. |
jeffl
Citizen
Username: Jeffl
Post Number: 869
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:39 am: | |
Not an appliance but:
Dear CD plastic wrap and little piece of tape on the top,
I hate you. You make me feel incompetent. I wish I carried around a box cutter so I could make short order of you.
Sincerely,
Jeff |
Glenn
Citizen
Username: El_duderino
Post Number: 478
Registered: 2-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:58 am: | |
Dear cell phone:
Do you really need to have 150 different ring tones? Is it necessary that you take photos? Should I really be able to download songs and images through you...at a cost? Chess? I mean, c'mon, the screen is so small you can't tell the difference between the queen and a bishop. Text messaging? You have to be kidding, right?
Why are you trying to be all things to all people?
I bought you for one purpose: to make and accept phone calls. Please concentrate on that one duty. You can start by making it possible to get a signal from all locations in Penn Station, not just by that one Aunt Annie's cart.
Thanks. |
notehead
Citizen
Username: Notehead
Post Number: 1739
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 11:27 am: | |
Oh, planer,
Was it a mistake?
I mean, I had the best of intentions... but I'm afraid I've let you down, and I don't really know what's going to happen. I don't suppose I can blame YOU for looking so incredibly sexy in Sears that day... the way you refused to blush or blink in my intense, hungry gaze just made me want you all the more.
And once I got you home, well, let's both admit that it was pretty amazing. You were so loud -- I'm sure the neighbors heard you. But I kind of liked it. And what you can do to a long 2x12 is pretty incredible.
I had lots of plans for you, but I abandoned you in the garage, leaving you in the dark with only the lawn mower and, I suppose, the garage door opener for company.
Come spring, I'll make it up to you. We'll make some nice oversized shelves or something. It'll be great.
So, uh, I'll talk to you later... bye. |
Lizziecat
Citizen
Username: Lizziecat
Post Number: 452
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 1:27 pm: | |
To my yogurt machine;
There you sit, back in the dark recesses of the highest kitchen cabinet, right next to your friend the pizelle baker. I purchased you many years ago, in what I still refer to as my "organic period." I was going to make my own yogurt, and be healthy--and, for a while, I did make my own yogurt. I don't know if it made me healthier. My intentions were so honorable that I even purchased an extra set of five little glass jars with lids so that I would never run out of yogurt. And there I would be, late at night, carefully heating milk in a double boiler, adding yogurt culture, pouring it into jars, and plugging you in to do your thing overnight. In the morning, yes, there was yogurt, a bit sour, true, without any added fruit or flavoring, but homemade, and oh, so healthy. Trouble is, nobody liked it. It was just a tad runny, too. I was the only one who ate it, smilingly insisting that it was so good. Only, it wasn't.
So, there you sit, next to the pizelle baker, but that's a whole other story. And let me not forget the Juicerator--a gift from my husband's Aunt Edith, who knew a useless thing when she saw it. I remember the fifty pounds of organic carrots which I reduced to juice, and which then sat, sludgily in Mason jars in the refrigerator whlie nobody drank it. Finally, when they grew mold, I dumped the juice and sent the Juicerator to the basement, where it reposes next to an ancient oscilloscope and a set of electric curlers.
I really have to restrain myself from buying one of those cute little sandwich grills.
|
jeffl
Citizen
Username: Jeffl
Post Number: 870
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 1:49 pm: | |
Lizziecat, do you want Mr. Breadmaker? Very healthy bread. Very easy to use. The only thing better is buying it from a bakery or grocery store which is generally tastier, has a better crust, faster, and cheaper. |
Lizziecat
Citizen
Username: Lizziecat
Post Number: 453
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 2:04 pm: | |
Thanks, but I have a bread machine--and I also can make bread without one. |
papayagirl
Citizen
Username: Papayagirl
Post Number: 268
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 3:00 pm: | |
Dear Icemaker:
Normally, you annoy me. You're old and you spit out ice cubes with rust spots from the old metal part that makes your insides churn and go. I hate you.
But that time when my husband put special halloween bite-size snickers and milkyway bars in you, and then we had a friend over, and she went to get herself a glass of water, and frozen candy bars shot out into her glass instead of ice cubes... that was way cool! I was really proud of you that day. =-) |
Earlster
Citizen
Username: Earlster
Post Number: 728
Registered: 8-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 3:23 pm: | |
Dave, hold the power button down for more then 3 seconds and it will stay on till the batteries run out. |
Parkbench87
Citizen
Username: Parkbench87
Post Number: 1593
Registered: 7-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 3:42 pm: | |
Dear Smith Corona Manual Typewriter,
Who would have thought this thread would have tallied 32 posts. Oh wait a minute that's thread drift.
You've been obsolete for about 20 years but still I keep you around. Sort of like the pale blue leisure suit that hangs in the back of my closet. I can no longer find any spare parts that suit your needs, but still you will not leave. Look at all the trouble you caused Alice the maid on the Brady Bunch when she was writing the secret admirer letters to cheer up Jan. Marcia Marcia Marcia. I loved you on the opening credits of Murder She Wrote but that's been off TV for about 10 years. Even Columbo used you to get that Magician/Nazi War Criminal to confess to murder. However it's time for you to pack your carriage and leave. I'll miss you and I'll be sure to tie a Black Typewritter Ribbon round the old oak tree in front of my house. Always keep these words in your heart.
"The Quick Brown Fox jumped over the lazy brown dog"
Smooches
|
papayagirl
Citizen
Username: Papayagirl
Post Number: 269
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 4:26 pm: | |
Parkbench - i don't believe the dog necessarily has to be brown, since the fox is already brown. And quick. But ask your typewriter before he departs. He'll know for sure. |
Parkbench87
Citizen
Username: Parkbench87
Post Number: 1594
Registered: 7-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 4:34 pm: | |
Papaya,
I'm afraid you posted a bit too late. She's Gone, She's Gone Oh Why I better learn how to face it, She's Gone She's Gone Oh Why I'd pay the Devil to replace her.
I am going to leave now and head to the city. I think I'll let the Carbon Monoxide choke my thoughts away. |
Joan
Citizen
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 4390
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 6:50 pm: | |
Telephone:
Why do you always ring when I don't want you to: when I am gargling or brushing my teeth, when I have nearly fallen asleep or decided to sleep late, when I am sitting down to a meal or doing a particularly delicate bit of food preparation, when I am just stepping out the front door or when I am just opening the front door from the outside, when I am in the middle of a particularly difficult conversation with the person next to me or trying to get the attention of someone in the next room? Can't you tell that I don't want to be interrupted/ bothered / annoyed just now with your insistant ringing?
Why don't you ever ring when I do want you to: when I am worrying about a family member who should have been home hours ago, the status of a friend in the hospital whose immediate relative has promised to call the moment they hear something, waiting for a call back from the contractor/repair person/service who was supposed to get back to me days ago so we could set an appointment for a much needed repair or resolve a serious problem with another malfunctioning small appliance?
When will telephones come with built in sensors to determine the mood/expectation/needs of the humans they are supposed to serve faithfully but far more often inconvenience, annoy and disappoint? |
ffof
Citizen
Username: Ffof
Post Number: 3099
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 10:39 pm: | |
Dear Thingiemajig,
Regrettfully I forget your purpose and alas you have become a sorry reminder of just that. Stop mocking me. |
mem
Citizen
Username: Mem
Post Number: 4317
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 1, 2004 - 11:15 pm: | |
Dear Matayogi,
Are you animal, vegetable or mineral? Are you bigger than a bread basket? And why didn't you go after my neighbors roof blew?
Love,
mem |
Debby
Citizen
Username: Debby
Post Number: 1381
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 9:34 am: | |
Dear Tanita digital bathroom scale -
I am very disappointed in you. For several years you were doing a terrific job. I would compare you to my weigh-in stats at Weight Watchers and you always showed each and every loss accurately. Unlike other people who had chosen inferior scales, I could always count on you for a precise and accurate weight, and frequent losses!
Well, it's been a few years now, and you're letting me down. I know, I know: I've been lax in my eating habits, and I don't journal as consistently as I once did, and oh, yes, I no longer exercise...but c'mon! You have to bear some reponsibility too!
OK - I'm going to give you another chance. Before I gain back all 47 pounds...
Love,
Debby |
tulip
Citizen
Username: Braveheart
Post Number: 1770
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 9:59 am: | |
Dear TV:
Why, oh why, is there never, ever anything good on you? I wait, watch, hope, channel surf, and yet...nothing. Are there no more creative writers or producers in the world? Are there indeed no more new ideas, humor, tragedy, news, lies, pictures, sounds, anything at all? What happened to the good old days of live drama, real reality, thought, conversation, discussion? Are these all antiquities and odd reminders of civilization past?
Do come back to your charms of thirty and forty years ago. Your original personality was grainy, staticky, but deeply admired. I do so miss those days (sigh!)
Yours truly,
Your faithful viewer |
Joan
Citizen
Username: Joancrystal
Post Number: 4412
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Saturday, December 4, 2004 - 1:18 pm: | |
Battery Powered Sonic Toothbrush:
Do you always have to run out of power when you are in the middle of brushing my teeth. Couldn't you provide me with some indication that you will be unable to do a complete cleaning job next time if I don't recharge you immediately?
Signed, Toothpaste-encrusted owner |
emmie
Citizen
Username: Emmie
Post Number: 380
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 5:57 pm: | |
Dear (piece of junk) Computer,
I knew you were old and decrepit but had no idea how fickle and unfaithful you really were. You were only born in 1998, but I guess computer years are like 50 to every one year. So, I guess that would make you about 300 computer years old. After running your virus program, scan disking, checking for errors in that left click place of yours, and defraging two or three times a day I have decided that you are a two timing idiot. Oh, and btw, whats with your constant "this program has performed an illegal blah, blah blah and will now close" crap? One stupid message after another from you. The guy clearly said your not sick with a virus. Really, do you think it should take about 15 re-boots everytime I sign online?? Do you really think that is funny? Well, I hope you had a good laugh because I am sick to death of your shinaguns and the last laugh is on you. In a few days you will be going to computer heaven, or maybe it will be computer hell based on your crimes. My new Dell will be arriving soon and you will never see the internet again once Ms. Dell is installed. So, so long its been good to know ya' you little jerk! |
Debby
Citizen
Username: Debby
Post Number: 1413
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Monday, December 13, 2004 - 6:26 pm: | |
Dude...You got a Dell! |
kmk
Citizen
Username: Kmk
Post Number: 334
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 9:05 am: | |
Dear Dualit Toaster,
It was love at first sight! You were beautiful, yet quirky. Your gleaming stainless steel aerodynamic shape has three slots not the mundane two or four. You came with a "grilled sandwich" basket that would allow the seven year old to make her own grilled cheese. You cost an enormous sum - but your good looks were impossible to ignore.
Now I don't even remember our love.....You make such a racket that I can't hear myself think in the morning. No electronic, digital elements for you.....just a spring powered wind up knob that slooooowly unwinds making a deafening "ack ack ack ack" noise. How many times have I gone throught the "act" of toasting only to remove raw white bread? You don't even has a decent on-light! Even when you are not plugged in you sound as though you are toasting....but no it's just an act. The perfect toast you promised is almost impossible to produce because of your idiotic "keep warm" function. Simply put - you don't know how to cool down! I turn my back for one second and poof there's black carbon soot all over my whole grain slice. Most painfully, you let the kids down too. Those grilled cheese sandwiches were freaking fire hazards! Dripping globs of American cheese next to red-hot heating elements make a huge amount of smoke. The little "sandwich basket" that lowered into your slot has been exiled to the basement (with the angel food cake pan and fish poacher.)
I swore you would be my last toaster - you cost enough to last a lifetime. I made the purchase and now I will have to consider my decision every morning for the rest of my life. |
suzanneng
Citizen
Username: Suzanneng
Post Number: 203
Registered: 3-2002
| | Posted on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 - 4:30 pm: | |
Dear emmie, Why not invite Mr. Macintosh into your life?
|
silkcity
Citizen
Username: Silkcity
Post Number: 272
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 1:28 pm: | |
Ooh la la, mon Cuisinart,
I've hauled you, moved you several states, lost pieces replaced them...and still a knife is better. I can't clean your little holes, your weird shapes, and I've dropped you on my foot. You were a wedding gift from people at a job I hated. You were expensive from Bloomies. Can you please leave the premises? |
SoOrLady
Citizen
Username: Soorlady
Post Number: 1592
Registered: 9-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 1:54 pm: | |
Dear Juice Man - Your partnership with Jack LaLanin seduced me into believing that I would faithfully make a variety of delicious, healthy juices daily for my family. What you failed to tell me was that I would have to forfeit all my refridgerator space to 20 lb bags of fruits and vegetables. Clean-up was not a breeze. As punishment, you have been relegated to the deep recesses of the lazy susan cabinet. Perhaps next year you will make your way to Morrow Church's turnover sale where you can once again seduce the unsuspecting with the promise of easy health and vitality. |
gemini
Citizen
Username: Gemini
Post Number: 333
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 7:49 pm: | |
Oh Computer, why has your text for MOL changed? I can barely read you anymore. |
jeffl
Citizen
Username: Jeffl
Post Number: 889
Registered: 8-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 9:26 pm: | |
Dear incredibly handy plastic food slicer, you looked so good on TV, with the promise of effortless, fast slicing of everything from potatoes to, um, er, potatoes. When I realized how easy it was to add fingers to your repertoire I threw you, very carefully in the garbage. I hope my garbage men still have all their digits. |
ffof
Citizen
Username: Ffof
Post Number: 3157
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 10:17 pm: | |
But where can you get plastic food? |
Cathy
Citizen
Username: Clkelley
Post Number: 622
Registered: 6-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 7:53 pm: | |
quote:Dear Framistan,
I laughed, I cried, I had my eyebrows burnt off, because of you. You have blown up my house, my neighbor's garage roof, and my sister's car. I tried to sell you to another MOLER and she and her family are still in therapy, and I'm fighting a law suit, due to you. I've written books about you (manuals anyway) and you've had your own thread here more than once. All this, and yet I feel like I still don't know you, what you are and what you stand for. What exactly are you, anyway?
Love,
mem
Dear mem, I don't understand you either.
Signed,
Your Framistan
(HEEELLLLP!!! Back into therapy ...) |
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