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Message |
    
Mark Fuhrman
Citizen
Username: Mfpark
Post Number: 1202
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 6:08 pm: |     |
I am having one of those days. So I found some Stephen Wright jokes (or knock-offs) and now I feel better. His humor fits my day perfectly. Enjoy.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case.....coincidence?
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism... to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...
I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn't do anything...so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just flick that switch up and down...up and down...up and down....Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany...it just said, "Cut it out."
Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
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mickey
Citizen
Username: Mickey
Post Number: 211
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 10:49 pm: | |
thank you mark. this cracked me up |
Derek
Citizen
Username: Derek
Post Number: 140
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 10:51 pm: | |
Thanks...some of these made me LOL |
mickey
Citizen
Username: Mickey
Post Number: 212
Registered: 10-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 - 10:59 pm: | |
plus, you have to imagine these in Stephen Wright's deadpan voice. too funny. |
mooewe
Citizen
Username: Mooewe
Post Number: 227
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 9:27 am: | |
These are great, but I find Lewis Black to be the best "therapy" for bad days.  |
Sgt. Pepper
Citizen
Username: Jjkatz
Post Number: 596
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 9:59 am: | |
More Stephen Wright:
I had a job interview the other day. The guy asked me if I had any questions.
So I asked him, "If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn on the headlights, do you see anything?"
He said, "I don't know."
So I told him, "Well then I don't want to work for you." |
buhinc
Citizen
Username: Buhinc
Post Number: 42
Registered: 8-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, January 27, 2005 - 3:29 pm: | |
A friend of mine has been taking limbo lessons and he's gotten really good.
He can go under a rug. |
TK South Orange
Citizen
Username: Tk_south_orange
Post Number: 287
Registered: 5-2003
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 11:34 am: | |
Personally - I always get a kick out of reading this:
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM."
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draftbefore the masterpiece.
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Mark Fuhrman
Citizen
Username: Mfpark
Post Number: 1212
Registered: 9-2001
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 11:38 am: | |
That is why God made alarm clocks. |
ess
Citizen
Username: Ess
Post Number: 64
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Friday, January 28, 2005 - 10:19 pm: | |
I poured spot remover on my dog. Then he disappeared. |
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