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Message |
    
PARROT HEAD
Citizen
Username: Island_jack
Post Number: 77
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 5, 2005 - 7:46 pm: |     |
What did George Bush get on his SAT's?
Drool |
bets
Supporter
Username: Bets
Post Number: 1097
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Tuesday, April 5, 2005 - 7:53 pm: | |
I was surprised at how many people had never heard this one (maybe a generational thing?).
April showers bring May flowers. What do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims! |
Andrea Weisbard
Citizen
Username: Njnetsfan
Post Number: 244
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 12:57 am: | |
A psychic midget got arrested and the escaped, the next day the headlines readSMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
|
Dave
Moderator
Username: Dave
Post Number: 5791
Registered: 4-1997
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 1:52 am: | |
That's funny, Andrea. |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 207
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 7:35 am: | |
I like puns very much... as someone (Alan King?) said, they're a RARE MEDIUM WELL DONE |
wendy
Supporter
Username: Wendy
Post Number: 673
Registered: 5-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 8:56 am: | |
My late dad was a dentist and a very funny joke teller and punster. I used to tell him that he could never be sure if the groans coming from his patients were due to his dentistry or bad puns. (Since he was a great dentist as well there probably weren't too many groans anyway.) |
Andrea Weisbard
Citizen
Username: Njnetsfan
Post Number: 245
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 9:03 am: | |
A piece of rope went into a bar and order a beer and the bar tender says we don't serve rope, I am going to have to ask you to leave.
The rope left and went outside, tied himself up, and unravled his ends. He walked back into the bar and ordered a beer.
The bar tender said aren't you the rope that I said we don't serve?
The rope replied "I'm a frayed Knot" |
irl
Citizen
Username: Irl
Post Number: 98
Registered: 6-2001
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 9:37 am: | |
Did you hear about the kidnapping in Maplewood?
They woke him up.
|
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 212
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 9:51 am: | |
A termite walked into St James Gate and said:
"is the bar tender here?"
 |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 213
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 9:57 am: | |
Q: What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhinocerous?
A: Elephino
(i.e., Hell if I know)
|
SO Refugee
Citizen
Username: So_refugee
Post Number: 136
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 8:25 pm: | |
Did you hear about the person who called out of work because of anal glaucoma?
They just couldn't see their a** going into the office... |
PARROT HEAD
Citizen
Username: Island_jack
Post Number: 79
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 - 9:39 pm: | |
Two atoms were walking down the street,
One says, "I just lost an electron"
The second says, "are you sure?"
The first replies, "yeah, I'm positive" |
Andrea Weisbard
Citizen
Username: Njnetsfan
Post Number: 249
Registered: 6-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, April 7, 2005 - 12:42 am: | |
Mommy Mommy I don't want to go to China.
Shut up and get your other foot in the care package.
Mommy Mommy, what's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots.
Mommy Mommy, Daddy's on fire.
Shut up and get the marshmellows |
Sgt. Pepper
Citizen
Username: Jjkatz
Post Number: 849
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, April 7, 2005 - 9:06 am: | |
Mommy Mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!
Shut up and keep digging. |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 217
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Thursday, April 7, 2005 - 9:20 am: | |
Quanta's Pilot gripe sheet -
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. ... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit!
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks causing throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
|
Wendyn
Supporter
Username: Wendyn
Post Number: 1531
Registered: 9-2002
| | Posted on Thursday, April 7, 2005 - 3:27 pm: | |
Soulful those made me laugh out loud. Thanks! |
Cato Nova
Citizen
Username: Cato_nova
Post Number: 575
Registered: 12-2003
| | Posted on Thursday, April 7, 2005 - 3:34 pm: | |
The British Government's policy of socialized medicine has recently been broadened to include a service called "Proxy Fathers". Under the government plan, any married woman who is unable to become pregnant through the first five years of her marriage may request the service of a proxy father — a government employee who attempts to solve the couple's problem by impregnating the wife.
The Smiths, a young couple, have no children and a proxy father is due to arrive. Leaving for work, Mr. Smith says, "I'm off. The government man should be here soon." Moments later a door-to-door baby photographer rings the bell.
Mrs. Smith: "Good morning."
Salesman: "Good morning, madam. You don't know me, but I've come to..."
Mrs. Smith: (Interrupting) "No need to explain, I've been expecting you."
Salesman: "Really? Well, good. I've made a specialty of babies, specially twins."
Mrs. Smith: "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
Salesman: (Sitting) "Then you don't need to be sold on the idea?"
Mrs. Smith: "Don't concern yourself. My husband and I both agree this is the right thing to do."
Salesman: "Well, perhaps we should get down to it?"
Mrs. Smith: (Blushing) "Just where do we start?"
Salesman: "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor allows the subject to really spread out."
Mrs. Smith: "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it hasn't worked for Harry and me."
Salesman: "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several locations and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results. In fact, my business card says, 'I aim to please.'"
Mrs. Smith: "Pardon me, but isn't this a little informal?"
Salesman: "Madam, in my line of work, a man must be at ease and take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that."
Mrs. Smith: "Don't I know! Have you had much success at this?"
Salesman: (Opening his briefcase and finding baby pictures) "Just look at this picture. Believe it or not, it was done on top of a bus in downtown London."
Mrs. Smith: "Oh, my!!"
Salesman: "And here are pictures of the prettiest twins in town. They turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
Mrs. Smith: "She was?"
Salesman: "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her down to Hyde Park to get the job done right. I've never worked under such impossible conditions. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
Mrs. Smith: "Four and five deep?"
Salesman: "Yes and for more than three hours, too. The mother got so excited she started bouncing around, squealing and yelling at the crowd. I couldn't concentrate. I'm afraid I had to ask a couple of men to restrain her. By that time darkness was approaching and I began to rush my shots. When the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith: "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.., equipment?"
Salesman: "That's right, but it's all in a day's work. I consider my work a pleasure. I've spent years perfecting my patented technique. Now take this baby, I shot this one in the front window of a big department store."
Mrs. Smith: "I just can't believe it."
Salesman: "Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
Mrs. Smith: "TRIPOD?!?"
Salesman: "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my equipment on. It's much too heavy and unwieldy for me to hold while I'm shooting. Mrs. Smith?... Mrs. Smith?... My goodness, she's fainted!"
Stolen from Snopes.com |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 223
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Friday, April 8, 2005 - 4:54 pm: | |
A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running alongside his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him, as he was doing 50 mph. He accelerated to 60, and the chicken stayed right next to him. He sped up to 75 mph, and the chicken passed him. The man noticed that the chicken had three legs. So he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes drumsticks, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire."
The man asked him how they tasted.
The farmer said, "Don't know, haven't caught one yet." |
upondaroof
Citizen
Username: Upondaroof
Post Number: 144
Registered: 4-2003
| | Posted on Friday, April 8, 2005 - 9:42 pm: | |
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business
flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he
wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he
knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper
said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." |
Tinkrock
Supporter
Username: Tinkrock
Post Number: 66
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 8:50 am: | |
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt! |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 231
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 12:53 pm: | |
Why was six afraid of seven?
Cuz 7 8 9 !! |
SO Refugee
Citizen
Username: So_refugee
Post Number: 157
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 1:30 pm: | |
The kindergarten teacher is introducing a new word to her students today. The word is "definitely."
Teacher: "Can anyone use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "Grass is definitely green."
Teacher: "Sometimes grass can be brown so, we cannot say that grass is definitely green."
A little boy raises his hand and says, "The sky is definitely blue."
Teacher: "Sometimes the sky is gray or dark, so we cannot say the sky is definitely blue."
Another boy raises his hand and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
Teacher: "Why that is an awful question to ask, but, no, they do not."
Boy: "Then I definitely have poop in my pants." |
Soulful Mr T
Citizen
Username: Howardt
Post Number: 235
Registered: 11-2004
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 5:30 pm: | |
If jokes can be said to be obsolete, these certainly are....
Q: What do you call a dog with wings?
A: Linda McCartney
Q: What's white and comes in a yellow bag?
A: John Lennon |
SO Refugee
Citizen
Username: So_refugee
Post Number: 161
Registered: 2-2005
| | Posted on Sunday, April 10, 2005 - 6:05 pm: | |
In honor of the recent Royal wedding...
I hear the Duchess Camilla is disappointed because she thought all rulers had 12 inches (insert metric equivalent here). |
PARROT HEAD
Citizen
Username: Island_jack
Post Number: 86
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Monday, April 11, 2005 - 8:13 pm: | |
A man comes home after work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with luggage, waiting for a taxi.
He asks; "where are you going?"
His wife replies; "I'm moving to Las Vegas. I just found out that I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free!"
The man runs into the house, packs his own luggage, and minutes later, is on the front porch with his wife.
She asks; "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
The husband replies; "I'm goimg with you. I want to see how you can live on $800 a year." |
PARROT HEAD
Citizen
Username: Island_jack
Post Number: 87
Registered: 3-2004
| | Posted on Monday, April 11, 2005 - 8:15 pm: | |
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender;
"Give me a beer and a mop." |
growler
Citizen
Username: Growler
Post Number: 501
Registered: 11-2001
| | Posted on Thursday, April 14, 2005 - 1:10 pm: | |
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in." |
Ukealalio
Citizen
Username: Ukealalio
Post Number: 2021
Registered: 6-2003
| | Posted on Saturday, April 16, 2005 - 4:14 pm: | |
Two women were sitting in a vets waiting room, one had a Great Dane the other had a Minature Poodle. The woman with the Poddle asked the woman with the Dane, Why are you here ?. The woman with the Dane said, "Every time I bend over the sink to wash something my dog jumps up, puts his front paws around my waist and mounts me, he also does it when I'm bent over the dishwasher". The woman with the Poodle say's, "I see, so your gonna get him neutered huh ?. The woman with the Dane say's, "No, I'm getting his nails clipped". |
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