| Author | Message | ||
     ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 826 Registered: 11-2001 |
This afternoon, at about 3:15, I checked my voice mail at home. There was a message on it from the nanny of a little girl in my son's kindergarten class. The nanny said that she wasn't feeling well, and could I possibly pick up little M and take her home after school? Now, let me point out a few things. One, I have no idea why they called me, other than the fact that I live in Maplewood and they live in South Orange (the school is in West Orange). Two, I am a single mother. I have neither a husband nor a nanny, so when Mommy doesn't feel well, Mommy gets the kids anyway, without any help at all. Three, I have met the mom once, at a birthday party, but have never met the nanny, and am quite puzzled as to why I would have to deal with said nanny over this. So, I am pissed off. The absolute gall of these people! I think that if the mom or dad had called me and said, Ess, we are in a pinch; could you pick up little M from school, I probably would have tried to work something out (as it happens, though school ends at 3:00, my son is in the afterschool program and I don't usually pick him up until 5:00). But that is not what happened at all. I would like to make it very clear to these people that what they did was both rude and presumptuous, but in a semi-pleasant way (since I will likely have to deal with some combination of these people at parties and the like). I did leave a message indicating that I had received the nanny's message but that I don't pick up my son 'til 5:00, but I would like to call back and talk to someone. Any ideas? Am I over-reacting? | ||
| The Libertarian Citizen Username: Local_1_crew Post Number: 1178 Registered: 3-2004  |
nope | ||
| Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 2140 Registered: 5-2004  |
If the parents knew the nanny was not able to pick up their child, they should have found someone to pick up the kid, not passed that responsibility off on the nanny. That said, I would let it go. They know that your child does not have a corresponding schedule to their kid, so you shouldn't get calls in the future...  | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2555 Registered: 12-2004  |
I'm not clear. Did the nanny do this of her own accord for some inexplicable reason, or was she told to call you by the parents? If the nanny called of her own accord, I would say she needs a talking to. If the parents put her up to it, I guess I'd be interested to know what the hell they could have been thinking? Are they friends of yours? If so, can't you say "what the hell were you thinking?" If they're not friends, can't you just point out your situation as it relates to picking anyone up? Something along the lines of "you do understand that I am a working single parent and it's all I can do to pick up my own child?" | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 11803 Registered: 1-2003  |
I don't get it. If the nanny should not have done this of her own accord, the problem is between her and the parents, not between the nanny and you. And what's the big offense? She asked you for a favor which you were not willing or able to do. So the answer is just, "sorry, no." The answer is often no, but that doesn't necessarily mean that asking is wrong. Sorry, but I'm missing something. | ||
| Rod Citizen Username: Skimrod Post Number: 107 Registered: 4-2004 |
My gosh.. What's the big deal. Sorry can't do it........Bada Bing | ||
| Smarty Jones Citizen Username: Birdstone Post Number: 144 Registered: 10-2005 |
Ess- I'd be ticked-off if I were you, as this is pretty ridiculous. These parents either a) Have no idea the Nanny is making such requests, in which case you would be doing them a FAVOR to share what is going on. They trust their children with their Nanny, and if the Nanny is passing that trust on to strangers, that is a very very big deal. b) or they DID know about this in which case they are insane for not calling you directly with respect to managing the whereabouts of their own children, in which case calling them to discuss this will have no impact what-so-ever. They are probably clueless. My mom raised us as a single parent. I'm trying to envision a Nanny calling her to help out with her busy schedule.....I'm bent of shape thinking about it. Good luck. | ||
| Twokitties Citizen Username: Twokitties Post Number: 340 Registered: 8-2004 |
Perfectly reasonable reaction ESS. | ||
| Phenixrising Citizen Username: Phenixrising Post Number: 1345 Registered: 9-2004 |
ess The parents or Nanny should have asked in advance (before a situation arises) in case of an emergency, would you be available to pick their child-up. It's all about common courteous. Knowing your situation, it’s up to you if your willing to pick the child up. If not, then they should look for other alternatives. Since we both worked in NYC when we first moved here, in case of emergency (child sickness) we asked 2 neighbors if it was ok to list them for emergency pick-up. They both complied since they were stay-home moms. If both could not do this until I arrive home from NYC, I would call another neighbor FIRST to see if this was ok. At least most families I know, do this. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 832 Registered: 11-2001 |
I don't know if the nanny did it under her own accord or not. The parents are not friends of mine (had only met the mother once) and we had no such arrangement in place. They also know of my situation because it's right there on the class list. Thank you all for your input. It really got to me. I will call the parents, and very calmly explain that the call was completely inappropriate. The asking actually was wrong. A nanny? Asking another mother, let alone a single mother sans nanny, to take over her paying job? I think not. | ||
| peteglider Citizen Username: Peteglider Post Number: 1685 Registered: 8-2002 |
someone left you a message asking for help. i wouldn't read anything more or less into it. you responded that you couldn't. maybe leave it at that? /p | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3753 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ess, I could understand your frustration. I have often reacted similarly, just feeling somewhat taken advantage of...Generally, I do what a bunch of people here have said, I vent like you did and then leave it at that. I wouldn't even call to justify your situation or go into it any further. Sometimes you just have to do what's right for you, and not worry about anyone else. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2562 Registered: 12-2004 |
ess, I absolutely understand why you were upset, and I don't agree that you should just "leave it at that" (sorry Pete and Tom). There are certain unwritten rules we as parents should be following. Calling someone you hardly know completely out of the blue and asking them to take responsibility for your child, without ever having discussed whether such an arrangement is mutually agreeable, is absolutely the wrong thing to do. As a mother, I would never do it. Every year, when I fill out emergency paperwork for the schools, I first check with my friends to make sure it's O.K. if I put their name down. Further, if the parents needed emergency assistance with child care, the parents should have made the calls, not the nanny. It's their child, it's their responsibility, it's thier problem. Last, but by no means least, to have the "cajones" to call a single working parent with children of their own, who you barely know, to help with your child because your nanny isn't feeling well, is so far off the grid as far as appropriateness is concerned that it's absurd! Parenting is a full-time 24/7 job with two parents in the home. Doing it alone is a herculean task and to make such an imposition you should be damn sure it's a welcome one! Sorry, rant over. | ||
| Smarty Jones Citizen Username: Birdstone Post Number: 149 Registered: 10-2005 |
Not to continue the pile-on here, but the pecking order of this should have been: 1. Nanny picks up kid, inspite of ailment. 2. Mom/Dad leave work early (God forbid, the US Economy might screech to a halt). 3. Relative pitches in to save the day. 4. A very very close friend who your kid is familiar with is contacted personally about helping out in such a pickle. I'm more aghast at the laissez-faire parenting being demonstrated. "Danger Will Robinson....Danger" | ||
| C Bataille Citizen Username: Nakaille Post Number: 2368 Registered: 5-2001 |
The Nanny made the call, not the parents. We have no idea if the nanny initiated this or did so at the parents' behest. The nanny is unlikely to know or care about anyone's marital/working status. The scary thing to me in this whole situation is that the kid could have gone home with someone untrustworthy. That is the reason I would think of calling the parents to talk about the call from the nanny. They may not be aware of the call. And they need to discuss with the nanny what back-up procedures they want used if the nanny is unable to get the child. | ||
| Phenixrising Citizen Username: Phenixrising Post Number: 1346 Registered: 9-2004 |
I definately agree with calling the parents to clear the air. | ||
| mjc Citizen Username: Mjc Post Number: 998 Registered: 10-2004 |
I'm with Pete and Tom on this. A favor was asked, you couldn't help out. No inconvenience, no harm, no foul. The outrage at the request being made by a nanny leaves a bad taste in my mouth. If you think for some reason that the nanny was being irresponsible, or to confirm that you're not available immediately after school, maybe a call to the parents would be appropriate, but just to vent annoyance, I think not. Seems to me she was just trying to arrange for a more pleasant afternoon for the child. Also, since the call was made at 3:15, it may have been in the nature of an emergency (nanny briefly incapacitated, wants someone to be at school on time for the child). I would let this go. | ||
| Joe Citizen Username: Gonets Post Number: 1088 Registered: 2-2004 |
The parents/nanny didn’t handle this in the right manner—no doubt, but what’s in it for you in taking this matter any further? Write them off as pinheads and call it a day. Even if you try to offer calm, measured parenting advice (which is the best way to pursue this matter further) it’s not likely to be appreciated. You could give them a piece of your mind and really let them have it. But is getting in a shouting match with these people going to make your life any easier? | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2563 Registered: 12-2004 |
So let's see if I understand this. I leave my kids with a sitter and go out for dinner with my husband. The sitter has a problem and needs help so she should make a call to someone we (we being she and I) hardly know to help out? Sorry that makes no sense to me. In my book, the nanny/sitter calls me first. If I can't get home to handle the situation, I should make the calls to find someone to help. I agree with Smarty in that I am also somewhat "aghast at the laissez-faire parenting being demonstrated." | ||
| Smarty Jones Citizen Username: Birdstone Post Number: 151 Registered: 10-2005 |
How can you call this a 'favor'? Just out of curiosity, what was ess to do? Take the kids back to her house for the afternoon? I presume there was nobody home at their house (unless the Nanny was there, just bed-ridden). And if she DID take the kids back to her house, can you imagine the call to her parents on the message machine?" "Beep- Hi...you don't know me....we met a few months ago....I have your kids at my house....call me...." | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2591 Registered: 9-2002  |
My guess...the nanny was sick enough to not be able to pick the kid up. Nanny tries to get in touch with parents and can't. Nanny has no list from parents of people who can help in such an emergency. Nanny sees class list and calls a few other parents on it to see if she can get help last minute. Or it could be that the parents and/or nanny are idiots, but let's give them the benefit of the doubt. I think it warrents a call to the parents just to alert them that you would love to help out in an emergency  but can't because of your work situation so you aren't the best person to call. Suggest that they might want to make sure the nanny has a list of relatives/friends to turn to in an emergency. A call like this will get it off your chest and give you a better idea (from the parent feedback) as to whether they even knew this occured and/or sanctioned it. If they don't know about it they will want to know. And it will get you off of the list of people to call in an emergency. Good luck! | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2564 Registered: 12-2004 |
Rational and reasonable as ever Wendy! | ||
| Smarty Jones Citizen Username: Birdstone Post Number: 152 Registered: 10-2005 |
OUTCOME WARNING: Call goes very well Frienldiest couple in the world Nanny did action on own accord. Ess does emergency kid pick-up weekly going forward. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2565 Registered: 12-2004 |
Or: Call goes very well. Friendliest couple in the world. Nanny did action on own accord. PARENTS APOLOGIZE PROFUSELY TO ESS AND PROVIDE NANNY WITH A LIST OF EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS! | ||
| papayagirl Citizen Username: Papayagirl Post Number: 477 Registered: 6-2002  |
Ditto meandtheboys and smarty. And ditto wendyn's approach to the call. I would do exactly what you're doing, and i'd be more than a little peeved to have received the call. | ||
| Joe Citizen Username: Gonets Post Number: 1089 Registered: 2-2004 |
I’m assuming that the nanny did call the parents first, and, sad to say, the parents gave her a “no-can-do” and told her to call someone. Operating under these assumptions I figured it’s best to write the parents off as pinheads and not bother, but Wendyn makes a good point. A call should be made to the parents just to make sure they’re aware that you were the one she contacted. If they are aware, then they’re pinheads for not having a plan in place for such a problem. I can’t think of anything productive that you can do after that. You could offer them sound advice, but pinheads don’t heed sound advice. They just get angry that anyone would presume to offer advice which goes a long way in explaining why they’re pinheads. | ||
| Phenixrising Citizen Username: Phenixrising Post Number: 1347 Registered: 9-2004 |
and if ess doesn't make the call… who's to say the nanny might try this again? | ||
| Smarty Jones Citizen Username: Birdstone Post Number: 153 Registered: 10-2005 |
Optimist vs Pessimist  It appears my glass is half empty. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2592 Registered: 9-2002 |
 Good one Smarty. At my daycare we had a situation where a new parent's train was late and she didn't have any close emergency contacts who could help her out. I was class parent and she asked me what to do. So as a class we put together a list of people using a variety of info (schedules, work location, # of kids, etc) who could back each other up. That way everyone in the class had another family that could provide backup. I don't think anyone ever used their backup, but it gave the parents a comfort level "just in case". | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2566 Registered: 12-2004 |
I don't think ess needs to offer any advice, she just need to let them know she's not the best person to call because of her situation, as Wendy suggested. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2567 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hey ess, I'm feeling a little run-down and tired. I know we've never met, but do you think you could come give my kids some lunch while I take a nap? | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 11811 Registered: 1-2003 |
When I was a single custodial parent, I asked neighbors for lots of favors. Sometimes I was embarrassed, but I had to do it. If someone asks me, I do what I can, and I try to minimize the embarrassment of the person asking me. If someone had asked me a favor while I was single, I might not have been able to help, but I don't think I would have minded being asked. I knew intimately well how important favors were. Is it possible that your anger is fueled partially by envy of the other family's situation, i.e. two parents and a nanny? It would be understandable, but it's not fair to vent that anger at them. They're not willfully hurting you with their luck. And one day, your luck may change, and you'll be in a better position to help others. I agree that something is amiss that the nanny might have made this call of her own accord, but that's not an offense to you. It's to the parents and the kid. It's a good idea to warn the parents that the nanny did this, but not in the context of how this is bad for you in some way. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2568 Registered: 12-2004 |
Tom, did you really ask people you hardly knew to help with your kids. That doesn't sound like you. I'm sure you were on some sort of friendly footing with the folks you asked. Sound to me like ess and these people barely know each other. I ask people for help too, but only people I know fairly well. I'm all about the whole "it takes a village" thing. And I help whenever I can too. A couple of years ago I was literally flat out on the floor sick--utterly unable to even stand. When my husband was unable to leave work early, I called a good friend who was able to come help. If she hadn't been able to help I would have gone down the list of friends before I moved on to casual aquaintances and neighbors. But that's just me. | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 11812 Registered: 1-2003 |
No, I didn't ask for help from people I hardly knew. That's an important distinction, and it is one place where the nanny used bad judgement. But again, the only people who could have suffered from that are the parents and the kids. | ||
| Deidra Citizen Username: Deidralynn Post Number: 450 Registered: 6-2004 |
Ess, you have every right to your frustration and being a SAHM with a regularly "out of town" husband, I understand your responsibilities as a parent. I have to agree with Tom and Wendy - who had great outlooks on this. BTW, my son goes to preschool in W.O. also. Anyway, we are talking about a CLASS LIST not an arbotrary playdate list. These kids go to school together....and if it's anything like my son's class, we are like a little village. Your marital status is not the issue here either. I, personally, would not get upset by the call and would simply respond that I am unavailable and leave it at that. Who knows? You never know when you are able to help someone (from school) out. We don't know how many parents were called. If I were in a pinch like that, a class list would be a definite option. When your kids are in the same class, it's nice to work together with other parents - even if you are not "good friends". This nanny was reaching out to the class, and I wouldn't say that it's totally irresponsible. People in this community have proven over and over again, that we can come together when someone is in need - especially if a kid is involved. Happy New Year everyone....peace. | ||
| Parkbench87 Citizen Username: Parkbench87 Post Number: 3216 Registered: 7-2001  |
Gotta love a thread that uses the word "cojones" in its title. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 834 Registered: 11-2001 |
Thanks to all for very sound and rational advice, and for some different perspectives. Very helpful. I think I need to stress that I am not at all averse to helping out fellow parents. I have done this before, even when it's children I don't know well. In fact, I've arranged to drive one of my son's other friends to a party Sunday, because his parents have a conflict. This issue is not at all about helping. For me, the issue is the nanny calling. As I have said above, this is a person whose paid job it is to pick up the kids. My paid job is outside the house, and yes, there are all of those challenges that come with being a single mother. (I am not here to discuss those, nor am I complaining about it.) It is the parents' responsibility to reach out to other parents, not the nanny's. Most of you have been very kind and supportive. Tom, I actually felt a bit hurt that you suggested I might be envious of this other family. I certainly am not, that is so not the point, and if you ever met my children, you would see that I have no reason to be envious of anybody since I have what is most precious in the world already. Whether or not my "luck" changes has no bearing whatsoever on my willingness to help. But I digress. I actually did try to call, but got the machine, so I left a very calm "please give me a call" message. | ||
| Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 2149 Registered: 5-2004 |
I guess what it comes down to is this - Are you offended that you were called, or concerned for the other family? | ||
| Cleve Dark Citizen Username: Clevedark Post Number: 218 Registered: 2-2005 |
I would give the parents a friendly call and let them know the nanny asked you to do that, but you've got your hands full and can't give rides. Ta ta! See you at the next birthday party! Kind of like a casual heads up. Quick and painless, no emotion in your voice other than friendliness, and get off the phone fast! You'll never get another call from them again, but you won't have alienated them by implying that they hired a "bad nanny" or that they overstepped their bounds by giving her your name. Who needs enemies??? | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 835 Registered: 11-2001 |
Cleve - perfect. |
