| Author | Message | ||
     SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2875 Registered: 9-2003 |
Such tough stuff Greenie... your mom has had all this stuff laid out for her, and it IS her decision (no matter what all the Bros think). The only thing I might suggest is getting a 3rd party to help her sort things out. She probably will balk at talking to a counselor, but the right one could really help. And she has you.. supporting her unconditionally - you're a real blessing kiddo. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 474 Registered: 10-2003 |
Prayers for all of you and especially for you to have the strength to deal with whatever you have to deal with....at home, at work and with your precious Mom. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2163 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greene - so when are you headed out? I guess the best advice I can give (not that you've asked for it) is to do the best you can and get support where you can, and not to focus too much on relatives' reactions and issues. I know it's easier said than done, and I was beside myself for a day after speaking to my ignorant aunt in Israel, but as you and Cyn and other advised - her issues were not my responsibility. Focus on yourself, and focus on supporting your Mom, whatever her decision. You won't regret it. | ||
| mtierney Citizen Username: Mtierney Post Number: 891 Registered: 3-2001 |
Greentree, just want to add my sorrow over your Mom's setback. I've been reading this blog, celebrating and commiserating — sometimes even laughing — over your reporting of you and your family's trials and tribulations for some weeks now. What touched me is that you took the time — with everything that's going on in your life — to comfort me over the loss of my beloved cat. Thank you. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 773 Registered: 3-2002 |
So sorry to hear that it's back - I was just telling someone with a family member who has lung cancer about your mom & beating odds - that could still happen too. I'll be thinking good thought for all concerned. By the way - Arnica might help TS...it's helping my mom. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 795 Registered: 10-2003 |
An anecdote from the book of Things Not to Say to People Dealing with [fill in personal issue]: I was twenty. My mom just died. My father was abusive. I left his house to live with neighbors so I could graduate school. Depression hit, I was miserable, I missed my mom so much I wanted to die. The wife said to me: Lynnie. You just have to have a good attitude and all your problems will go away. Just stop thinking about the negatives. If only I'd known sooner...  | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6518 Registered: 5-2001  |
Lynn - mom says if I'd let her get a dog, this wouldn't have happened. She's very weak and fighting the pneumonia. I don't know what the next week will bring, but she's decided that she's going to beat the pnuemonia and do more chemo. If she's beat it before, she figures she can do it again. Given her history, you never know. The odds are against her more than ever, but she has never done anything by the book. It can be both frustrating as hell and inspiring. So, I will no longer have conversations with people about how she needs to make decisions. She's done that and I will go with her program. She is in charge. Stay tuned, 'cause the beat goes on. Doula - you are so right. As my mom's oncologist said early on, 20% of these folks are 3 year survivors. There is no reason that she can't be one of them. Someone has to be. Is it SCLC or NSCLC? There are tons of things I've learned that I never posted, so let me know if you have any questions at any time. MT - I am sorry again; I know that this is a horrible time for you & your family. There is no such thing as a bigger or smaller loss when it is someone you love. Debby - I'm going next Friday. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2187 Registered: 9-2003  |
I'm glad to hear your ma has dealt herself back in, greenetree. Seems reasonable, too, that she can be a member of the 20% club. YEESH, on the learning (SCLC v NSCLC comment). Aside from work and living my life, sort of, I've been becoming an instant expert in cancer-induced cachexia. What might you ask is this unpronouncable term? It refers to the anorexia suffered by people with cancer, AIDS and certain other vile diseases. In the case of cancer -- particicularly lung and gastrointestinal -- it seems to have one of 3 raisons d'etre: (1) early sign that cancer is in there upsetting metabolism and immune system (the weight loss), (2) tumor/blockage getting in the way of digestion, and (3) a syndrome kicked off by (1) or (2). Seems that among other things, cancer gives rise to a mess of cytokines in the blood stream which do a mess of things that lead to "pathological alteration of neuropeptidergic control cycles." Anywho, a variety of strategies are being tried ranging from ibuprophen w/out Megace, some fancy fish oils to Thalidomide. Various authors note that related cachexia leads to some 20% of cancer patients deaths because they're too weak for treatment. So, preparing my questions for the doc: Is Curt's persistent skinniness (been holding at 117 lb (his new normal was looking like 150 last June, prior to chemo) for 2 months despite eating a LOT) a symptom that there's still cancer, or a symptom of a metabolism gone haywire? I have a nice little spreadsheet of his weight over the last year (y axis) and key events over the last year (x) axis. Mood OK, appetite eating very good. Energy still flagging and weight gain plateau. I'd rather be doing a home improvement project but this "Lorenzo's Oil" thing has got me in it's clutches. I know he has to get more robust to withstand more chemo (and get more of a life) but if his bod is whacked, what do we do? Fatty weight gain is not helpful and is temporary (the kind you get from Megace or steroids). And, yes, he eats a lot of protein -- peanut butter, fish, eggs, beef. And a lot of snickers bars. He should way about 185 at the rate he's eating. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2188 Registered: 9-2003 |
Aren't I a whack job? I tried explaining this stuff to Curt and he got kind of pissy. Even he gets bored by cancer -- and returns to the History Channel for "Hitler: Extreme Makeover." | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 2818 Registered: 9-2001  |
Cyn--you are amazing. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2165 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greene - I think it's terrific that your Mom has decided to rally. Even more fantastic is your acceptance, your surrender if you will, to her determined path. That is exactly what she needs. 20% isn't really an unshootable target anyway: I'm well inside the top 20% of the bell curves for height, weight and SAT scores of American women - and that's without a team of experts helping me. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2166 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn, my dear, you are remarkable. One question (pardon me if it sounds ignorant): during the surgery/treatment was a large enough portion of the digestive organs removed/scarred to interfere with digestion to this point? In other words, is there lack of digestive real estate for proper absorption? Does he receive medication/supplements to aid in digestion/absorption? Papayin comes to mind, but I know there are others. P.S. History channel sounds way more cheerful. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6884 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: I'm so sorry that the cancer is back. All of us were praying that the worst of your Mom's (and your) suffering was finally over and she could return to her life without cancer and with the dog of her choice. What you have to remember -- what I learned the hard way -- is that you have to find time in all this for yourself. If you don't take the time and make the effort to keep yourself as mentally and physically fit as possible, your won't be much help to your Mom, TS, or your job situation. Best wishes in the coming year. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 774 Registered: 3-2002 |
Warning: I have avsolutley no idea what I'm talking about here! But... Cynical, Could prior treatment have damaged his thyroid? Green, It must feel good (relatively speaking, of course) to have a direction, especially one that was picked by your mom and not you! Looks like a nice day shaping up out there - I hope you & TS can have a few nice moments to sit and have a nice cup of coco or whatever (maybe add something a bit stronger?!) and breath. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2189 Registered: 9-2003 |
In the Whipple procedure replumbing, some stomach real estate gets removed, but he has way more than a stump of stomach and more than one would have as a result of that bariatric surgery for obese folks. He has enough -- though he'll never again sit down to a two-plate dinner. Prior to surgery, he was overweight at 195 for his 5'6" on tipitoes self. In the summer, when he'd recovered from surgery he was weighing 150-ish which is why that's considered his "new normal." Endoscopy in Nov didn't see much. He has some mezenteric thickening in areas which which I believe means that some absorption may be compromized, but no longer any signs of gastritis. He's been taking stuff for bile reduction (that jazz gets interfered with during Whipple) but I think he'll be taken off it as he doesn't have an excess bile issue. He's been taking Reglan to speed up digestion, but he's half dose as he doesn't have a prob with speed anymore. He was taking Megace when he had appetite issues but no more. That stuff can also create a temporary, fatty based weight gain but that's not considered productive to muscle or skeletal renewal. His poop is normal (! amazing what I know these days) but I suspect they may wish to analyze it to see what's staying in the body v leaving. I really do think his metabolism is kicked up wrongly based on my reading. Also, there's an inflammation associated with cancer that Ibuprophen can help with. Not sure the labs they do every 2 weeks cover thyroid but it is a thing I will ask! His skin tone/color/elasticity is much better. I'm awful, and drive him crazy examining him, observing him, etc. But, hey! somebody's gotta pay attention. It's energy level and weight gain. Tho, right now, he's listening to Concert for Bangladesh and making osso bucco in his new crock pot. If this man should die of this crap at least it won't be for lack of intervention on my part. What I lack in reposek, gentleness and sweetsy-pieness I make up for in relentless smarts (I hope). I am way more warrior than madonna, and always have been. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6520 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - Curt ain't going anywhere. I still have the vision of you in the power suit & dominatrix heels stuck in my head from a long-ago thread. It may not even have been the chemo; you probably scared the cancer to remission. And I have concluded that it is quite easy for patients to get used to the caregivers doing most of the work. Mom & Curt's chore list: fatten up & build up strength Caregivers: Insurance company fights, chase doctors, get prescriptions, arrange rides, clean basement, do laundry, go to day job. Where applicable, give modicum of attention to children.  Speaking of normal poop - I am taking mom's cats for their check-ups on Saturday. Poor kitties need their healthcare, too. I am supposed to bring a sample from one, but I don't think it's going to happen. I'm not going to have the time to outsmart a cat into giving me one. Mom is getting better, but her doc does not want to release her until her pneumonia is gone. She has another brachyotomy on Thursday, so I'm thinking that she'll make bail Thursdy night or Friday morning. At least I hope they don't let her out until then. Her neighbor, the old retired guy, is giving her kitchen a face-lift. He's slow as molasses on a good day & I can't see that being around dust & paint fumes would be very beneficial to someone with pulmonary issues. One of mom's dearest and well-meaning friends has Daughter Who Is A Psychiatrist. She is Very Proud. S'ok, mothers are entitled. But, she sicked Her Daughter the Psychiatrist on me over the weekend. Never mind that I used to babysit this kid & gave her advice on her first birth control. She called me, which is fine, because even tho we've lost touch, her family is still my second family and she is like a little sister. But she had that "therapuetic" voice on. So, the first five minutes were a little tense. I gave cautious, one-word answers & she was soothing and light, but appropriately supportive in her statements. She then figured out that Dial-a-Shrink wasn't going to happen and eased up. We had a great 20 minute chat, culminating in her saying to me "let me know if you want me to tell my mom to back off". It turned out to have been a nice call after all. I seem to have some work focus in me. I am oddly calm about the whole recurrence thing. Not sure why, but I'm going to enjoy it while I can. Later. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2192 Registered: 9-2003 |
Guys, I had a very weird experience at work today that I have to share as it's on my mind. At work, I casually know a good-humored woman in her late 40's. She and I met outside, having a smoke. For those who don't (and none of us should), you tend to see the same folks at much the same time; sometimes you strike up an acquaintane, bellyache a little about work and so on. Anyway, over time I've learned that her husband is on disability (MS), her sister in law just moved into their mother in law suite. All seems pretty hunky-dory. She's trying to get an internal job in Manhattan as working in NJ just adds to her commute. She knows my deal, and we've talked -- always pretty cheerfully -- about dealing with stuff. ANYWAY...today I see her and she looks like a zombie, stunned. I go up to and say, "Hey, L, what's up?" She kinda mutters "Oh, nothing like you're dealing with, etc." I invite her downstairs to go for a smoke. She's kinda swaying oddly. So we get down there and she tells me she learned last Thur she didn't get this gig in NYC she wanted, and she has to get away from her wicked evil lady boss who verbally warned her about excess sick time last year. It had been quite a year, and she'd had some caretaking of mother in law, bunch of stuff but had used vacation time and some sick. Then she burbles out all this stuff about having a personal history of suicidal behavior, and she'd taken 80 xanax last night (find that hard to believe) and so on and so on and so on. Needless to say I was surprised. Much chat, but mostly I suggested she go home sick, say it's the stomach flu. She has an HR app't Wed, to talk to them about getting verbally warned. Told her that was good, and that she needed to do whatever paperwork to advise of her family medical needs officially, and any other personal medical matters that might cause her to need some respite. Jeez this floored me. I saw her a little later standing at the lightrail so I'm thinking she did go home. Now I find myself worried for her. I just hope to heck I see her Wed (I kinda suggested that if her boss was that bad maybe she needed to be sick till HR appointment). This poor woman was a mess and I felt so helpless. Didn't want to do anything to get her job jeopardized (she is the primary support) but really think she needed to go home. So, HR experts: Thoughts? I talked to a male colleague, naming no names, and he thought I did substantially the right thing but that as a Senior Manager Blah-Blah I should definitely steer her to this (I forget the name) internal counselling program, and that I had some obligation To The Corporation, etc. Now, I have been in this spot before, once or twice, when a male manager has been overly aggressive and somewhat harrassing of some female employees (and the women were reduced to tears kinda thing). But this was a little different. Plus, I found it interesting that my colleague was making a distinction here (seemed to me) that I'd not seen anyone apply to some male mgr cases of really out of control drinking in circumstances that undercut his position/authority (given subordinates were present). YIKES! I sure hope L is sleeping OK and doing better. Poor people, poor poor people. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6525 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn- when I was ranting and raving last week about my boss and her reaction to my making plans to go to Ohio, my "admin" pointed out something that I hadn't thought of: EAP (which is what I'm assuming the guy was talking about) can help. There are very few HR-sponsored employee "help" things that are actually meant to help the employee, but EAPs are external contract organizations with counselors, etc. More importantly, in many organizations, if you are hooked into EAP and the "behavioral issue" is being dealt with via EAP, they can also intervene on the employee's behalf. It would have been better if L had already called EAP, but she should tomorrow, before her HR meeting on Wed. They can advise her on how to present her situation to HR, will give counseling and get her the help she needs (if it's a decent program). If she has expressed suicidal thoughts, she really should talk to someone. You know as well as I do how those overwhelmed moments feel. I've never been suicidal (wouldn't that be ironic, seeing as the weight of the world comes from trying to keep someone alive), but for someone with fewer internal coping mechanisms, suicide might actually seem like a logical way out for someone at the edge. Encourage her to call the EAP line. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2194 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, EAP is the thing my colleague was referring to. And I will. When I went to medical one day due to ear ache, it was mentioned to me. At the time, I blew it off cuz it wasn't something I needed. So, those things are really good? I think L would do it, especially if was helpful on her job thing. It just really took me by surprise as I'd never seen sign 1 of L being in distress. Felt very tricky as I was worried for her safety, but didn't want to call anyone in such that her already slightly in danger job thing was made more so (like that would help!). Thanks for the corroboration, greenie. I'll look for her today. It's so hard to know whether some co. programs are really worthwhile or just window-dressing. It did seem to me that L neededone to talk to, esp if her GP is who's prescribing the Xanax. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2196 Registered: 9-2003 |
Well, I'll try not to feel guilty/self-conscious that I'm hoggin up so much blogspace...Didn't see L today and I'm kinda hoping she stayed home with her "stomach flu." Just have time on my hands and don't feel like picking a fight/posting aggressively anywhere. Feeling a little whiney, a little sad. Had a lateness related fight with my kid this a.m. and then we're in the Bagel Chateau and Bonnie Raitt singing "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About" comes on. Sez I: "That was your Dad's and my song when we were first dating because we were at work, and I had broken up with another guy I worked with." Unbidden a little stream of tears rolled down my face. Masked 'em, went to the bathroom. Whole day has been a little triste, as they say. She's at play practice/production, he's been napping in the recliner. Thursday we see the doc, and I'm just so underlyingly worried that the labs are going to say something, well, bad. I tell myself well, if it's return of cancer, then presumably it's chemo. But he's not really up to it. And I need to get my sh*t together and talk metabolic stuff, but I'm afraid to over prepare cuz if I overprepare the real story will be something else, something worse. Oh, I dunno. I just want things to get better so bad. And I miss that man of mine being more himself. Breakthrough tears are not a good thing, and my "fight" is in the sock drawer. Sometimes, you just get awfully tired. Now the Supremes are singing "Baby Don't Leave Me" on the music choice channel. Need to get up and wash some dishes or something... | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22640 Registered: 6-2001  |
Cyn, you too can be overwhelmed by life. It's totally natural, even for warriors such as yourself. You've been carrying a lot of weight for a lot of time, and having this seemingly "normal" colleague have a little melt-down during a smoke break added that tiny straw that's all it takes to tilt the scales. Be easy on yourself. I wish I could somehow pluck you (and Greene, and Debby, and SOL, and all) out of the wrenching daily lives you're enduring and take it on myself so you could have a "normal" day. Greenetree, you and Mom and TS have been in my thoughts a lot these past days, and I'm wishing with every fiber of my being that good wins over evil. I know it's not always what happens, and I'm being naive, but I can wish! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6536 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yep. I feel ya. Here's hoping that tomorrow's mask is a bit stronger. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6547 Registered: 5-2001 |
Long week - mom told me yesterday that they were releasing her today. Probably going home on oxygen, but since she no longer needed IV antibiotics, insurance wouldn't cover it. Mad scramble, long story, no way to get her back and forth to her now-outpatient procedure tomorrow which will try to confirm the recurrence diagnosis (lab was negative, but we're told that doesn't mean anything with SCLC). Surgeon to Greenemom: Yep, it's cancer. We'll call you a cab. And her house is full of paint fumes and dust from the renovation. She just can't go home. I call her oncologist. You Must Keep Her. So, she won't get sprung until Friday morning, when I pick her up. It may not be covered, but she can't go home to that while she still has pneumonia. I tried to talk to her yesterday about finding a reason to stay: drink hot tea before they take your temperature. Pretend you can't ambulate more than 10 feet. Fall out of bed and sprain something. I don't think it was a lot to ask of her, but she wouldn't play. Irrelevent now, since she's staying. She called this morning: What did you do? Nothing. Don't say that the same way you did when you were a teenager. I didn't do anything. What are you talking about. You did do something. They are keeping me until Friday. What did you do? Well, if you must know, I just drank a cup of tea and ate an English muffin with cottage cheese on it (It's good, stop cringing). It may not be covered by insurance. Well, the hospital will go on a payment plan. Mom, unless you are Bill Gates or Donald Trump, you just can't pay for a catastrophic illness. Get over it. You are no different than the 100s of thousands of others in the same position. It's bad for your health to go home today. Break for a public service announcement: the US healthcare system sucks. And I should know; I've been part of it for 20+ years. My poor father, tho, is very upset. In scrambling to make arrangements for her early release, he had agreed to pick her up & take her home today. He loves to plan things. Let me tell you, that man is a Planner. Four phone calls yesterday to plan the phone call today to verify The Pick Up. He's a little let down that Operation Ex-wife isn't happening, but he brightened up right away when her realized that he could Plan my being picked up from the airport on Friday. It is a masterpiece involving musical cars, overnight parking, etc. He is very happy when he can Plan. I think that's where I get it from. Anyway, Cyn, if you still are feeling down and want to perk yourself up with a little needling, there is a very sad thread in Virtual about How To Catch A Man. It has a better title than that, but it's pretty much what it is. Put on you Doris Day costume & jump on in. Deb - how you doing? I know that I need to call you. Just tired of talking about it right now. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2200 Registered: 9-2003 |
I'm medium today, greenetree. I'm usually ok at work as work is different. Planning tomorrow morning's "why I'm late" lie, when it's really to do labs and see the doc. Funny about planner man, not funny about all the crud. I'm sort of dreading the return of crud But then, having crud to do beats them saying there's nothing to do, which is what I dread. What I want to hear is metabolic stuff, see this guy, take this drug. I just don't want to hear "signs of cancer but can't treat cuz patient is too weak." It's just the tiredness thing in him, which I think is also a little bit dispiritedness from not getting better. Yeah, he takes Paxil. Big whup. Yech. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6549 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hmmm. Who prescribed the Paxil? How long has he been on it & what does is he taking? Could be that he is sub-therapeutically medicated. It may not make a difference, but it may. I've learned that many non-shrink types don't titrate SSRIs properly. My boss has bombarded me with busy work. I am caught in a head count battle between her & another manager, whom she agreed to let me "help" on a project (something I arranged to segue into his unit) but is dumping crap on me so that I don't "have time". I've already sorted paper clips by size. Today, she told someone to see me about helping with a project. I met with him for 10 minutes & at the end it boils down to he wants to know if I can call the library to see where the article he requested a week ago is. I'm not kidding. Needless to say, he's making his own phone call. I am biding my time. I will do the work for the other manager evenings if that's what it takes. Because I will sure enjoy saying good morning to her on the way to his staff meetings after I make the move. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2201 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, I bring the meds chart with me. Paxil has been a while. I think that any depression is actually pretty logical right now; I believe in drugs to get you over the hump, but part of it is the poor guy is not changing status for the better in terms of energy and weight. He does eat, believe me he does. Thats' why I think the metabolic thing. Hey, you're going to vist your ma tomorrow right? These folks you're working with sound pretty durned silly...Call the library? Sort paperclips? YIKES!! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6552 Registered: 5-2001 |
Paper clips is a joke, but not by much. S'ok. Everything in it's time. If nothing else, mom's little escapade has taught me patience. I got three e-mails this morning from La Boss, all marked urgent. The old GT would have ripped her hair out. The new GT flagged them for Tuesday and hasn't thought about them until just now. I'm in the office tomorrow, but leaving for OH Friday morning. Weird about Curt's weight. But, if he has an appetite and is eating, that has got to be a good sign. I'd think that with GI cancers, lack of appetite would be the norm. Maybe when you sort it out, you should work with the doc to figure out how to bottle the enzyme, chemical, whatever that causes him to stay the same weight while eating his brains out. See where I'm going with this? Just remember us little people while tanning yourselves on your yacht.... | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2175 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, Greene, truth be told I pretty much suck. The last few days have been noticeably harder, and my kid (the one with "issues") is having one right now. He is just beating the crap out of me. Cyn - didn't curt also lose/damage much of his intestines as well? Doesn't nutrient absorption also take place there? So when do you meet with the docs to figure out next steps? You must be so exhausted. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2202 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, yep and yep. Above, on the weekend, my treatise on cancer cachexia. Can be a symptom, can be a nasty after effect. I'm hoping the latter, but food alone doesn't fix. I'll be finding out more, tomorrow. He has enough stomach to absorb, but if your metabolism and endocrine jazz is thrown off it doesn't do the right stuff with it, basically. Yeah, I'm tired......z-z-z-z-z-z. I am sorry to hear bout your acting out child, Debby. LIke you need it right now. I was saying to las this a.m. that while it's a good sign that my pre-teen is acting (sometimes) like a selfish, narcissistic toad (means she's still normal) I could use a little totally hung-up, super competent overachieving neurosis in her right about now ("Mummy, may I make you a cup of tea? May a clean the gutters, mummy? How may I serve you?") Well, maybe not quite to that extreme. | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1953 Registered: 5-2001 |
I send good thoughts to you and Curt tomorrow. Tanta bella cosi or something like that (all good things in Italian I think). | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 3022 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - I've wondered if perhaps we need another blog for all us parents of preteen/teenaged girls ... it could be called "somebody's daughter" to parallel Greenetree's Mom, I suppose. Only problem is, I think my kid reads MOL occasionally, so maybe this wouldn't be a good idea after all. Yes, your kid sounds normal ... and normal at this age is a pain in the a**, isn't it? My mantra (to myself) is "this too, shall pass." But, sometimes I sure wish it would hurry up! Although, I guess that would mean that she would be closer to leaving home and I'm not sure I'm ready for that, even when she drives me nuts. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2203 Registered: 9-2003 |
Hey, sac! Glad to know I'm not alone. I did make a categorical decision last night, that I just did my last load of laundry for her. Classic situation: girl tries on many outfits, leaves lying about the floor. Can't tell dirty from clean. Mind, I'd washed and folded all the clean stuff in my spare time -- not to mention having worked to provide. Felt like spit in the eye! This weekend she gets her own hamper, and if she has nothing to wear it'll be due to her lack of planning. She's big enough to use the washer, and knows how. I'm available for instruction in finer points of sorting, etc. Cyn does not equal Cin -derella. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3787 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh no, you are not alone with that Cyn. I often feel like the evil stepmother! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2177 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thanks for commiserating, Cyn. Unfortunately, his acting out is not WNL. Spoke with the guidance counselor yesterday, and with the doc. We'll see. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2204 Registered: 9-2003 |
Well, the news is sorta non news. Curt had gained 1 lb, which is good. On all my research, the onco says that he's more complicated than simple cachexia. Part surgery and some stomach removal, part post-chemo, part je ne sais qua. Got his B12 shot. A lot of watch and wait. He will be having a PET and a CAT again in early Feb, and no doubt an endoscopy. The doc, who I do now believe, says to me "I know there's still cancer, it's just temporarily suppressed. Couldn't be all gone from the ltd chemo done. But, I want to see him stronger before we have to put him through chemo again. Hoping for at least a 6 month window." So, we're in a window and there's really nothing to do other than what we're doing. It's kind of like knowing Bin Laden's in the hills somewhere, and sooner or later he'll come out. I feel better, more cheerful. I did when I woke up -- sunlight a little I think. Keep on swimming, swimming.... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6554 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ain't it funny what "good news" is sometimes? I think it's great that it's not an "emergency" to get him back on chemo. Maybe that pound will attract other pounds & before you know it, he'll be borrowing my fat pants. Or not. He'd look weird with a 28 inch inseam. I'm trying to plan ahead, since the sibs have decided that we are not going to leave her alone for the first week. So, I call the pulmonologist's office to talk to the nurse. My mom is going home tomorrow & will need to see Dr. X for follow-up for her pnuemonia. I know that you usually wait to schedule follow-up visits, but this is the situation: she has recurrent lung cancer and her oncologist can't talk to her about treatment until he can get a CAT which can't be done until her pnuemonia is gone. My brothers and I are coming from out of town to take her to her appointments next week. Is there any way that you can help me out and get her on the schedule for early next week? I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to do that. Dr. X won't see her in the office; he only does hospital and I'd have to page him. OK. Then she'll be seeing Dr. Y. She's seen him before. These really are extenuating circumstances. Can I please talk to Dr. Y? I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to put patients through to Dr. Y. Besides, we won't even know if he wants to see her again until the discharge orders are written. The woman has lung cancer and pnuemonia. I'm thinking that he's gonna wanna see her. I'm sorry but.... Thank you so very much. Click. Keep in mind that I have Dr. Y's home phone number; he gave it to us when he diagnosed mom. He is one of the kindest, most compassionate docs I've ever known. I wonder if he knows that he has an idiot working for him. I wonder if she's allowed to wipe her ••• after she uses the restroom? Anywho.... Ain't the sun grand? Wish I were able to get out into it today. But, I'm overloaded with my busy work & I need to go home, pack & get to my brother's. Is Curt spending any time out doors today? I sure hope so. Sunlight is good for almost everything. Deb - so sorry about your kid issues. Could part of it be his reacting to losing his grandfather? DId the counselor suggest grief counseling? I get the sense that this may be a known problem, but maybe it's exacerbated by the loss? Of course, I have no idea what I'm talking about...... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2205 Registered: 9-2003 |
Curt's inseam is like 27 so he'd be fine...! He gets out mostly with me. For a time, he was taking walks down the block, but he's been tired enough he's not wanted to. I think the not knowing and the ongoing tiredness has dispirited him some, though he's loathe to admit it. Hell, it's dispiriting me and I'm well. I'd call Dr Y. What a drag. At least the onco nurses are nice to me now, now that I'm in the club. They seem to realize how much work I've missed and are real good about trying to get me optimal appointments (though there are no evening and Sats). I think they have idiots working for them to be the gatekeeper, mostly. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2207 Registered: 9-2003 |
Silly stuff: Well, it's not a bad day mood-wise. On the kid front: I have successfully resisted the urge to do anything to her room. The clean laundry I laid on her bed (unfolded, per my announcement the other evening) is all over the floor in a sort of stew of clothes and miscellany. I have not touched. Tomorrow I buy a hamper. What will be interesting is this: tomorrow evening she is having a sleepover here with a very mild-mannered girl from a very tidy nice house. My kid is very alert to this sort of thing, and will be anxious that her own home is tidy. Well, it will be -- all but her room. In theory, she knows that this on her to do. She chose to do nothing about it, and is now over at afore-mentioned mild-mannered girl's house. I strongly suspect that she will find the mess daunting, and throw a major fit, tears and claim she needs help. I do not intend to help. In fact, to save my sanity, I may leave the house tomorrow afternoon and let her "ready" her space. Curt, though weakish, will not help her either. Now, here's where I could use some advice from the rest of you moms of pre-teen/teen daughters. My kid was a bit prone to throwing major fits as a littler person. Then, I would simply wait her out. She'd toss stuff about and so on. Generally, both of us cleaned up the results. Now she's older and bigger. I'm pretty much thinking that if she has a rude, stomping fit I'll cancel the sleepover. Hasn't happened in quite awhile, but I'm being prepared. I know I let her get away with some stuff because of the situation with Curt. Like most women, the thing she hates most is the subject/target of her wrath simply tuning out/leaving. This stuff is hard for me because so much is stressful that consistent discipline is low on my list. It hasn't been a huge problem, and I do tolerate/blow off more rudeness than I'd like. But, I'm often weary...Right now, tho, I simply feel clever and crazy like a fox. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6556 Registered: 5-2001 |
I have no perspective from the "mom" POV, but I think that, should the need arise, canceling the sleepover would be a good thing. I've realized that being too nice makes everyone anxious about illness and seems to underscore that we expect a bad end to the story. It could be the same for the kid of a sick parent. Relaxed rules and standards may make her think the worst. I took Mom's cats to the vet today. I had made her cancel her pet insurance; insurance on indoor cats rarely pays for itself. Well, the one poor guy has horrible gum disease and has to have several, if not all, of his teeth extracted. To the tune of $1k. Great. Since I made her drop the insurance, it's gonna be my bill. She kept asking me how much & I kept telling her that I wasn't going to tell her. But, I finally did. She was upset and crying because she cancelled the insurance and doesn't want me to pay that much. I kept assuring her that I made a bad call and have to live with it. She didn't calm down until I said that we would stop getting her medical care that wasn't covered, since it is so upsetting to her. Then I kept looking at the cat, sucking in my cheeks and saying"Ceasar, look at me so I can see how you'll look without teeth". I was informed that "I am not funny". Still, I couldn't resist later, when he was nipping at her while playing and she said "no biting", chiming in with "well, you won't have to worry about that in a few days". It's been a relatively easy couple days. I've been cooking, grocery shopping & putting dishes back in the cupboards after the kitchen project, I told GMF off yesterday. Not worth going into, but she pulls the same crap whenever I'm here taking care of mom; she nags me about when she'll see me, I tell her it depends on how things are, she tells me that she'll cancel her plans to wait for me, I tell her not to, she does it anyway and then whines "but I cancelled my plans" when I tell her that I can't have lunch with her a specific day. I have made a point of not seeing her when she tells me she's cancelled plans. I was informed that I must call her twice a day with a progress report on mom's health, which is when I lost it. The chest x-ray showed no improvement in her pneumonia from a couple days ago when we left the hospital. So, she gets another one at the end of next week and then sees the oncologist at the end of the month. Nothing to do until then. Just wait and see. On the way home from the grocery store, I was thinking about how much things have changed in my little home town and how much they've stayed the same. Cheap condo complexes are epidemic in former cow pastures, but everyone still knows every one by name and the first instince is to trust people. I asked the grocery store to replace my mom's check writing card with a newer one that is computerized (she's had the same one for 15 years). That would normally be done in the store that she first opened the account, but now there is a newer one closer to her house. So, the customer service person picked up the phone, called the other store and asked "Can you send over a card for Greenemom"? No customer number, no complicated ID check. Just a phone call. Pick it up in a couple days. Driving home, it hit me just how much this circle of life stuff sucks. I've been listening to mom on the phone with a couple of her friends, talking about thier mothers and how difficult they are; proud, indepedent, refusing home health assistance. These mothers are in their late 80s and 90s and it's the same crap. They may not have cancer, but it's the same issue: parents who now need help but are still adults and too proud to let their children become the parents. So, everyone is stressed out, wondering how to pay for the care and what will happen if mom falls, becomes ill, etc. I'm just facing it a few decades too early. I had these brief "Angst-TV" flashbacks in my head of being 10 and romping at the pool, mom in a chaise chatting with her friends. Forward to 13,14,15 - slamming off to my room after being grounded by the meanest person in the world for some infraction or other. Being 16 and knowing that no one in the world felt worse than me, because their parents weren't freshly divorced and their grandfather wasn't dying and their mother wasn't making them take on too many adult responsibilities with thier younger siblings because she had to deal with her own father's illness. Being 18, leaving home and feeling free, free, free. I thought I knew so much and, as is typical, I now know just how little I knew and how selfish I was and I wish I didn't know any of what I know now. And I wonder what happened. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2208 Registered: 9-2003 |
She may have surprised me, and taken care of the mess last night. I've not been in to look; she did put a mess of clothes in "our" hamper as we're going out today to do buy one for her. A fair amount of stomping around last night, mostly upstairs. Some of it was (and I won't bore you with the evidence) clearly related to being fresh from a nice, well-ordered house more upscale than our own; she seemed to be seeing our family and house with fresh, critical eyes. Now, I know some of this is displaced, and really about our chronic "sick room" situation. This I know cuz I get it to, the whole "why can't we be like everyone else" thing. But, we'll see how today goes. Yep, greenetree, circle of life sucks, betimes. You're in Ohio right now, yes? What town? My home town is similar, many things changed, many the same. I can slide back in to being a townie pretty easily and it is comforting (though it hasn't hapened lately). I feel for you, and your recollections. Some days, I feel like too much of my life has been being the "oldest" and having caretaking responsibilities too young. I married at 18 the first time, partly to set up a "family" that wasn't my own, to erect a wall between my father's rather inept dealing with my mother's illness and clutches of same. Got drawn back in due to my much younger sister. Then later, caretaking for them as they began to die when I was 39 and had a new baby. I still miss my father quite a lot, and wish his life had been different and not that of a caretaker -- which I strongly believe killed im before his time. Now, here I am, trying not to commit the same mistakes while fulfilling the the caretaking role. It is tough. One wants to feel selfish sometimes, or at least as selfish as the average bear not dealing with same. It is hard to caretake adults, whether your parent or your partner, for all the reasons you say. Kids at least you can boss and takeover because it fits the roles. [Please do not, anybody, insert knee jerk crud about being sure to take time for yourself. I do, but I cannot change the basic circumstances.] If you feel like having a cathartic cry, watch House of Sand and Fog. A heavy scene, well-acted by Ben Kingsley related to death. YIKES! Onward to a little steps shovelling... |
