| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 735 Registered: 10-2003 |
  In his spare time Al stands in as an extra for props in still life photo shoots. He was the inspriation for the NYTimes ad exec who came up with this shot. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 738 Registered: 10-2003 |
CLK, I just took a closer look at your yarn purchase. Each box has 30 balls of yarn. Out of just one box you can knit 90 pair of baby socks (using size 000 dpns). Must have felt like Christmas when you received it all. Personally, I see nothing odd about purchasing 60 balls of fingerling yarn for no other reason than having it. (And now that I am alone I don't have to sneak my fibers into the house like I once did. (Is that new yarn? No, it was in my car.)) I don't think you need help. | ||
| Duncan Supporter Username: Duncanrogers Post Number: 5421 Registered: 12-2001  |
HAPPY NEW YEAR | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 788 Registered: 10-2003 |
The Day I Became a Whore Last May him sent me an email asking my thoughts on Mary [the Jesus Whore next door] holding a house sale wherein we'd each get a third of the take. You ran away from home on my birthday without a word yet you are asking my opinion about a house sale? Yes, I am asking your opinion about a house sale. I only approve if I get 100% of the proceeds. That is all that is written. Nothing was discussed verbally. I never heard another word. The sale happened. I was raped. My attorney flipped. His attorney replied: "I find the facts to be quite different than your client related to you...Lynn did express to Sam that she wanted 100% of the proceeds. He did not agree to this." He did not agree to this. It's all in the interpretation. And so I began the prostitution of myself by reading this at our first four-way: The reason I asked for this meeting is because the last sixteen weeks have seen my life turned upside down. I lost my husband, my home, my life as I knew it, my future. When Sam made the unilateral decision to end our marriage he literally pulled the rug out from under me, leaving me all alone, and taking my best friend of fourteen years. I am not here to fight. I simply need to secure my future. Sam took from me the assurances of a lifelong companion, of a home, of a family. And he even has the power to take from me my future. He has the power to ensure I do not finish graduate school, that I do not become a special ed advocate for our foster children. He has the power to ensure that I remain a secretary in a law firm for the foreseeable future. I supported Sam's career aspirations. I packed to move to LA with him. I edited and proofed every writing submission and show idea he made for fourteen years. I updated and formatted his resumes and one sheets each time he had an interview. Sam will never know an editor as efficient as me, and I never once let him turn in a document with a typo or awkward grammar. And after Sam's meetings and consultations and interviews, I was the one who printed his thank yous on Crane note cards, because he was ashamed of his penmanship. I began my graduate studies with Sam's blessings and support. I was fortunate in that my dream was evolving and I knew where I was heading, and Sam's pride and encouragement propelled me forward. Each time I headed out for class or stayed up all night to write a paper, Sam would tell me how proud he was of the work I was doing. Sam, your confidence in me persuaded me to continue even when I wanted to quit. I can't have the dream as planned, for although you promised to financially support me while I did the work I wanted, that just won't happen now without you and your salary and your presence. Then you promised me the house. You said I should keep the house so that I could follow my dream. You didn't want to ruin my dream. And, after 39 painful credits of work, I am just 17 away from my degree. Sam, you have single-handedly destroyed every dream I had. Please don't take the dream of my education away, too. The first semester in my new life is over. I don't know how I made it through, as I still have so much difficulty reading and can't hold a thought for more than a second or two. In my old life when I had a husband who was so proud of me going to graduate school I would email him the page with my grades and GPA on it as soon as it was available and within moments he'd call and promise me a celebratory dinner and remind me again how proud he was and talk in awe that I had a full time job and two volunteer jobs and managed to go to school at night and tell me the world will be lucky to have me doing my work some day. Now of course, I am merely taking the classes because I whored myself to him to get the money for it. (He never had to produce an accounting of the illegal house sale and he got my share of the proceeds to the sale in exchange for contributing half of my health insurance for ninety days after I graduate, which means, graduating as a teacher I will likely get a job in September, but have no coverage until my new coverage takes effect months later.) There is nothing in it for me, there is nothing I can think of to do with a Masters in Teaching Special Ed. It's just not who I am these days. Where it stands, I likely will be a secretary in a law firm for the foreseeable future. Which isn't a horrible thing, I have a great job, but I liked me better when I thought I had it all going for me. 2005 FALL Current Term: A Cumulative: 3.817 | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2571 Registered: 12-2004  |
Congratulations and great work las! Again, I must point out that you are even stronger than you know--to have made it through and done it well in spite of the turmoil in your life. You're still numb from this whole mess. When the numbness wears off you will find your dream and sense of purpose again. It may be in a different form, but you will find it again. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4787 Registered: 2-2003  |
las congratulations! I am very impressed. To go through what you went through and to achieve such a wonderful first semester bravo girl! Now, we must all go celebrate.....name the time and place las  | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 473 Registered: 10-2003 |
las...............CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!! What a terrific cumulative !!!!! I agree with redY...where and when????????? I would love to buy you a drink or two or three....you surely deserve it (them)! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1611 Registered: 8-2003  |
ditto that I'll help you celebrate. You really should be proud. You either overcome some major obstacles and worked harder than you thought for that grade or you're just a frikkin' genius with a photographic memory who doesn't need to study which is it?  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 789 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm a frikkin' genius, I guess. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4789 Registered: 2-2003 |
I knew it!!!! So when are we celebrating your triumph? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 790 Registered: 10-2003 |
It really is all in the interpretation. I was bummed because I had this useless grade en route to a useless degree. You all saw an 'A' - thanks! | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4792 Registered: 2-2003 |
las your GPA is still an A+, so when are we celebrating? I definitely think it is time for a fun girls night out! | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2572 Registered: 12-2004 |
red, any excuse for a party eh? You crazy party animal you! I have a hangnail, wanna celebrate with a few drinks? No, seriously, you definately deserve to celebrate las. It would have been way easier to shut down and give up. Not only did you not do that, but you came within inches of a 4.0! You go girl. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 791 Registered: 10-2003 |
Um, Red... Ladies Night? If I am actually going to put down my knitting and socialize without my cats, I'd like to have a few men there. Or just one or two good ones. Why don't we have a joint party when you get your new job? And Me's hangnail heals? | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2573 Registered: 12-2004 |
A "joint" party?  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 792 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oh, Me... | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2575 Registered: 12-2004 |
There are just so many places to go with that...... joint (joint n. 7. Slang. A marijuana cigarette. 8. Vulgar Slang. A penis. You pick! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 793 Registered: 10-2003 |
joint \ n 3 a: a shabby or disreputable place of entertainment b: place, establishment Me, I don't quite understand your definition for number 8. A penis? What is that? Where might I find such a noun? | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3763 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ooh, I almost said something related to your deceased husband's new found sexual orientation, but I stopped myself. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 794 Registered: 10-2003 |
VIG, two words for him: Fissures and Hemmorhoids. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2576 Registered: 12-2004 |
I would add STD's to that list! | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3764 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ouch! | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 837 Registered: 11-2001 |
Don't forget oozing lesions and pustular acne. And a beer belly. Count me in on the joint festivity, whatever sort of joint it may be. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 476 Registered: 10-2003 |
Me Too!!! | ||
| Barbara Citizen Username: Blh Post Number: 587 Registered: 5-2001  |
Hmmmm... this is getting interesting. Great job LAS, congrats -- keep letting us know how you progress so we can keep telling you what a "friggin genius" you are! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 808 Registered: 10-2003 |
I had a Work Catastrophe today and 'tho the buck doesn't quite stop here on my desk I do have to own up to a portion of blame for I was the person who created the doc and the person who had it bound and sent out. There were others involved, two men with stature and girth, but I had to say it there was no way out I had to apologize for missing the buck. But the shame was too big and the foul up too huge (even if I own just a third of the fault), so I couldn't actually say the words, so I emailed my boss who sits feet away, I am so sorry. I just can't say it to your face. Or ever talk to you again. And a main huge reason I had this compulsion to apologize to him and say the words was because when he was hovering about and standing over my desk to help fix the foul-up for which I own a third I received an email from a professor whose class I withdrew from last Spring when him walked out on me saying I could retake the class via independent study. I saw that message pop up on my screen and I smiled at the most inopportune time, so my fear of his thinking I could care less about errors made me want him to know I lie down on the sword and I cover his whole bumm, even if I should only cover one third. My insides are sinking, that horrible feeling when you know in your heart you've messed up, and over the years I've been working for this man I have previously declared I'll never talk to him again at least three times in the past. Eventually we talk. But I am excited for this class that I'll be studying independently, not having to leave work early to make it to campus on time. And I'm also excited because today is day four of my no-carb life which seems to have led to almost three days without diarrhea! Nothing beats almost three days without diarrhea. Except isolating at home with my cats. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2616 Registered: 9-2002  |
Las, I had 3 major f-ups in the last 3 weeks. I am surprised I haven't been fired. I actually asked the hubster if I could be a SAHM, not because I particularly want to but because I am so embarressed about my work. Sucks when you are hiding in the bathroom crying every day for a week. My boss (who is a great guy) avoided coming to my desk because I would get choked up every time. I'm better now. Still working on fixing f-up #3 (#s 1&2 are done). And trying to get home to the girls at a reasonable time. And tons of other stuff I need to get done at work and home. So tonight I'm going to a movie (Brokeback Mountain) with friends. Because I deserve a good cry that has nothing to do with me. Congrats on the class and the no-carb life! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1631 Registered: 8-2003 |
las - I hate hate HATE the gut-sinking feeling when I f'up at work - and I've made some big ones. It's the very worst. I am sure he will speak with you again. Eventually. they always do. glad to know you have something to look forward to in the meantime! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 809 Registered: 10-2003 |
Wendy that's awful! I hope you're sleeping at least. Pippi, the boss is speaking to me. I am just too humiliated to speak to him. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1634 Registered: 8-2003 |
well, I said speak with you, not to you... he'll speak with you and vice versa, one day. wendyn - I am sorry, you poor thing. I've been there. It'll pass - I hope sooner rather than later! | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3791 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las, I'm glad the carb free thing is helping. Do you think it's celiac disease? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 810 Registered: 10-2003 |
Ah, speak with. In my crappy carb-free week I've been a bit separate from the rest of the world. I've never been tested for celiac's, VIG. Being a hypochondriac I'm happy to add it to my dossier. Thanks. | ||
| Brett Citizen Username: Bmalibashksa Post Number: 2111 Registered: 7-2003 |
I really don’t understand the whole “I F’d up at work and now I’m depressed thing” If I hire you, I did it because I thought you were capable of doing a job. If you can’t grasp it in the first 6 months, it’s my fault, I hired the wrong person. If you’ve been doing a good job and you F up, well then mistakes happen, even big ones. Don’t kill anyone, destroy property, or cost me more then 20% of your salary, and I’m going to be ok with mistakes. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1636 Registered: 8-2003 |
Brett - that's what I am sure Las' boss is saying right now. No one died and the company didn't lose a ton of money. From the perspective of the one who f's up, I can understand the depression. If I am hired to do a job then I need to constantly prove my competency or, even better, improve my skill. Making several mistakes in a short period, or a few huge mistakes, compromises that and can make an employee feel unworthy. It doesn't mean they ARE unworthy, just that they feel that way [las and wendyn - I have no doubt you are competent and worthy at your jobs!] | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 811 Registered: 10-2003 |
And Pippi, I've not doubt you're worthy at your job! Brett, it's not so much messing up and feeling depressed, it's more about messing up and internalizing it to an unhealthy obsession. Sometimes you mess up and it gets no more than a passing. Other times you allow it to grow and erode your self-esteem and self-worth. It's not a work issue so much as a confidence issue. | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 3025 Registered: 5-2001 |
I think we women do that obsessing thing more than men ... and they can't understand why. Not sure we understand why either. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 816 Registered: 10-2003 |
Tonight was my first night of classes for Spring and although I was there and although I was present the night I just finished some moments ago seems further away and not nearly as clear as the first night one year ago. It was snowing last year when I woke up at five and rather than park my car on campus then head to the City from there, him said he’d pick me up at night I should not drive in the mess. The afternoon came and I left work early so I could make it to class on time, but the trains were delayed one thing led to another and I called my husband but he’d gone from the office so I called my sister who went online to find the professor’s number, I couldn’t make it to class and I’d leave a message then send an email from home. I called him on his cell and wouldn’t you know he was on a train in the station, so I tracked him down and met up with him on a car jam packed with commuters. He had a seat which he offered to me but I told him I’d rather stand figuring the last thing he needed in his down mood of late was an extended commute standing up. A long time later the train was just inching condensation had formed on the windows and people were holding their coats and their hats and their bags were on the ground and everyone was hot and tired and the train was so humid and moved slower than slow and there in his seat him sat bundled up: his coat, his gloves and his scarf. My heart just sank that he was so cold that his body was lacking the fat for warmth and I knew that four percent fat was unhealthy and tried not to bash his ideals, but to be bundled up on a train with commuters - couldn’t they all see what was wrong? I am sure that night we ate veggie burgers as they only contain protein no carbs and no fat and I am sure that night he put his thick wool socks on and his thermals under his sweats. And I’m also sure that he turned up the heat – the sure sign there was a problem. For years he kept the heat down so low, but last year he put it near seventy. And soon thereafter when his mood was so low and he cried and curled up in my arms he admitted to me that yes he had anxiety over food. I ran with that, I pushed too hard, I insisted we go get help. We fought, he cried, I insisted I loved him, we’d make it better I promised. The next week came, my train was delayed I was tardy in getting to class and the professor spoke to me like a child saying I needed a note so I went home that night and went online to the Registrar’s office and withdrew from the course knowing I couldn’t handle a hardass professor while dealing with him so skinny and wasting away. A few weeks later he ran away and I had no choice but to withdraw from yet my other class and for the first time in some years I was not a student I hadn’t a future. It’s funny how these things from the past are so crystal clear in my mind, while I can’t recall the name of my course I just took an hour ago yet I can in detail recall the outfit I wore when I accompanied him to his shrink. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2667 Registered: 12-2004 |
So, your first year is almost done. That's good news. The next year, these memories will probably not be so clear. The year after even less so. And, hopefully, there will come a year in the not-to-distant future when all of these clear and painful memories will be gone, and you won't be able to remember them even if you try. In the meantime, keep moving forward, day by day, as you have been. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 818 Registered: 10-2003 |
And you help, Me. We build new memories. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 835 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thursday I drafted a memo 'requesting' funds from my education trust and I printed and proofed it and something just bugged me and I reworked the numbers and redrafted the text then realized the problem was him. His name is there right in the heading and it's no fair to me I should not have to type it and view it and waste my beautiful ink nor my Hammermill paper on a name as disgusting as his. And worse still is that I must use my very own stamp to mail his copy of my request of the funds to his last known address in South Orange. This not being work and my job not at stake why should I be stuck with that name just as prominent as mine on the page, so I shrunk down the font of both first and last names and thought that will show him a thing. Then today yet again I reviewed that memo and it irked me just irked me so much that after his actions and cruelty and nerve it is just plain wrong I should have to be faced with his name on a page so I made one more edit to show my disdain: no initial caps. So now the memo looks something like this: To: My Attorney From: Me cc: sam s Re: Request of Funds from Education Trust – School Expenses It is yet again a superlative example of my subliminal knack for saying fcuk you! (And oddly, it feels somewhat empowering…) |
