| Author | Message | ||
     Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2725 Registered: 12-2004  |
What about cc:-ing his attorney and not him? That way you don't have to acknowledge his existence at all! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 837 Registered: 10-2003 |
Nice thought, Me, however: "...Husband shall be notified (at address provided by husband or if no address for notice is provided to Husband’s attorney)..." How kind of opposing counsel to have thought of everything! (nb: The other 'thing' I do to show him a thing or two is not mail his copy until Thursdays. That way he gets mail from me in time for the weekend. Whatever that means. Hey - we find power wherever we think we can...) | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2727 Registered: 12-2004 |
Absolutely, you do what you need to do to feel you have some control. Have you checked with your attorney to see if you have to be the one to notify him? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 838 Registered: 10-2003 |
Of course I have! If my attorney notifies him, she charges me. If I notify his attorney, history has proven he makes a big deal of everything, so he will likely call my attorney in which case I will still pay. Things can be so fair, eh? | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2730 Registered: 12-2004 |
Oy vey! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 842 Registered: 10-2003 |
Last Spring when I had to drop my second class, during a two-day email exchange the professor offered me every opportunity to finish the course. I kept saying I could not, and he'd drop another assignment and ask if I thought I could handle the lighter load. I could not, I could not. Eventually he gave me a topic for my final paper. I had no brain with which to finish his course. I met with this professor tonight, and with him I will do an independent study. He really wants me to succeed. I feel hopeful. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 874 Registered: 10-2003 |
Sometimes when I feel good I hold myself back for fear of elating and bouncing too high for I remember the days when I’d feel pretty good and him would watch and observe. You see five years ago (or a timeframe therein) I was making a left turn from Baker to Valley behind a car that obviously wasn’t familiar with the light that is so far out in the road. And this car started turning then stopped in the middle because the red light from another side was oddly now in front. I panicked because I was stuck in the intersection, it was night and my car was dark green and I feared I’d get hit when the cars on Valley started to move so I honked and I pleaded for the car to please go and that is the moment him diagnosed me as being manic depressive. I joked that I wished I had maniacal moments with the energy and verve to do so many things that in my own life I fear. I then firmly stated that I’m depressed and that manic episodes are customarily one of five extreme behaviors like fcuking lots of strange men without using condoms or gambling our savings and house on one bet. I know this because he was so sure I had it that I asked my doctor to please reassess the depression I’d had all my life. And the doctor again reassured me I had no mania, bipolar or such, I was just depressed that’s all no more. A couple of times in the years since then him reminded me of that moment in purgatory, not quite Baker and not quite Valley where according to him I overreacted and although my doctor says I’m only depressed him was pretty sure I was manic. And therefore since then I’ve reigned myself in and I’ve pulled up my guard so as not to appear too happy or joyous when the good things happen not so much out of fear of having a different disorder, but the judgment he cast was too much. I think of this now because for the past couple of weeks I’ve been suppressing this joy that I have inside about girlfriends and new friends and friends that I know I will have for the rest of my life. These friends make me glow and I just want to scream with joy and let the world know. So fcuk him and screw him and let him drop dead for I've got my girlfriends who seem to respect me an awful lot more than him did. Lynn | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22725 Registered: 6-2001  |
Hear hear! So glad to read this post, my friend. I need to see more of you to absorb some of that spunk and carefree mentality towards the former dead weight. Keep it up Lynn. You so deserve it. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 962 Registered: 11-2001 |
You bet we respect you an awful lot, and like you an awful lot, too. Can't let that deceased fcukface define you. He's gone, someday to be forgotten. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1693 Registered: 8-2003  |
what's manic about a little show of emotion - good or bad?? nothing He is nuts! Be happy! shout it from the hilltops and suppress nothing | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2824 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hip hip hooray! Be joyous, you deserve it! And you deserve these friends. We've been telling you all along what a great person you are. Glad to see you're working on knowing that within yourself. Keep it up. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 579 Registered: 10-2003 |
L- you are it!!!!!! No one can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them!!!! (and from what I have read...him is the last person for you to let control any part of you or your life)!!!!! Keep smiling that great smile and embrace all that the world has to offer you!!! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2954 Registered: 9-2003 |
Lynn - your news is a ray of sunshine on this gloomy day! So glad you're opening up and embracing life and friends. It's people who keep their emotions bottled up that have the problems. Rainbows and Lollypops to you (and a pox on him). | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6673 Registered: 5-2001  |
Although, if you are taking psychological evaluations from One Who is Himself Completely Unbalanced, maybe you are nuts.  Does the fact that you have good, wonderful, loyal friends now and didn't have them when you were with It tell you something about yourself? And It, for that matter. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 877 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thank you all! In my old life I would well up with tears thinking of how rich I was, how I had everything I could ever want, how easy it was for me to give. For real - I used to brag and gloat and thank the heavens that I had the kind of life that allowed me to go to school to follow my dream and volunteer so much of the time and the kind of husband who only wanted to see me succeed (so I thought). Of late I find myself welling up again - also feeling rich. Having connected with people because I was in need, but then remembering I could give, too. I've got these mutual friendships with mutual respects. In my old life (to paraphrase ess) we weren't in to certain things. We preferred to stay home. We preferred to hold hands and isolate at events rather than socialize with everyone else. We didn't need lots of friends because we had each other. We'd preferred to dine in on Saturday nights because we were pooped after our long day of volunteering. Occasionally it would sting me that him could only talk to me about our cats (we never talked about his work because I was his respite from his career that was going nowhere), but I assumed I was being sensitive and let it slide. I let a lot of things slide, because when you love someone that's what you do. Not to say we didn't connect, because we most certainly did. I didn't think I needed girlfriends back then. How dumb could I be? So, thanks to all my virtual friends, my real friends, my new friends, my emerging and evolving friends and my very few (but very special) friends from my old life for making me feel valued and wanted. I'd still like to have a male friend once in a while (we wouldn't actually have to be 'friends' ). And I'm not about to give up fantasizing him is going to show up at my door with the money he stole from me. Nor will I stop wishing him dies moments after I deposit the check.Lynn | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 893 Registered: 10-2003 |
Last Year One year ago this week him admitted to me he had anxiety about food. I’d known for some time but you can’t do a thing to help unless the person admits there’s a problem. Now that he confessed I insisted and begged that we go see his shrink and he fought and he tantrumed he stormed out of the room he slammed down the phone and withheld his emails for hours at a time and kept saying to leave him alone. It took two days and with reluctance he called his shrink to tell her I was coming. And since that admission I’d done some research and spoke with my physician and shrink and I got advices and comfort and tips for the meeting soon to take place. And my psychiatrist who knew what pains him was in even approved my sharing a drug to calm him down and help him sleep and told me that eating disorders are like OCDs and that he could be treated for this. But my husband who obsessed about food and physique was always reluctant to swallow a pill for fear it might cause him weight gain. Then Thursday came, I remember so clearly I hadn’t slept in two days and my heart beat so loud you could hear it from there and that day more than usual when we spoke and we wrote I reminded him I loved him so much and did not want to harm him and I thanked him for arranging that we’d both see his shrink and told him a million more times that I loved him. The shrink called us both in and she shook my hand and Samuel sat in a chair in the corner and took a candy from the bowl to which the shrink narrated, ‘Sam always eats my candy.’ I had my paper of things to say for I always write out my words and I started by saying I was concerned about Samuel, I was here because I loved him. It seemed of late that Sam did not sleep and his weight had gone down even further and there are days when he has admitted to me he’d eaten no more than an apple. I am also concerned because Sam gets depressed every year when the wintertime comes and it’s wintertime now and his mood is so low and I want him to get treatment for that. I am also concerned because Sam quit his job and never consulted me prior. Sam says he hasn’t lost weight in a month, he also says he hasn’t lost weight in four months. He also says he hasn’t lost weight in six months. And since he admitted to me two nights ago that he has anxiety about food, we must help him get better now, it’s gone on long enough. I love you so much, whatever it is I want to help you I love you. To which the shrink replied by looking at him and simply saying, ‘Sam?’ And he shrugged his shoulders while flattening the wrapper from the candy on his thigh. She asked him, Sam do you throw up? No. Do you starve yourself? No. He doesn’t have an eating disorder she announced. Are you depressed, Lynn? she asked me. No, I am concerned. Sometimes when we are depressed we project our feelings onto others, she offered. I am not depressed. I am concerned. He quit his job without consulting his wife, that makes me concerned. Sam, is this true? He shook his head. Are you anxious, Lynn? No, I am concerned. I am concerned that my husband is wasting away to nothing right before my eyes. Sometimes when we are anxious we tend get angry with others. I am not angry, I am concerned. On and on it went and I sank and I spiraled and the room got dim and I panicked and wondered if I was just nuts? Was I making this up in my mind? The shrink told me Sam’s weight was still within the range of normal, he weighs himself every week when he sees me. And Sam says he didn’t quit his job. And he says he is not so depressed. And I squeezed back my tears with all of my might and I said I am glad that I made this up in my head. I am glad everything is okay. As we left the shrink I continued to swallow my tears and my cries and I don’t know who drove or how I got home but I went straight up to bed without supper. I am sure he tucked me in and kissed me on the forehead when he came up to bed. And I am sure he did the same as he left for the gym first thing. The very next day sometime late in the morning he called me at work to apologize for lying about quitting his job. I was embarrassed, he said, I did a dumb thing, and I didn’t want to admit that to my shrink. You’re right, I shouldn’t have quit my job without talking to you first. I’ll go get my job back. And what about your weight loss I implored him to tell me. You’re the reason I stopped weighing myself everyday! What more do you want from me? I want you to get help for your food issues. I love you. When you hurt, I hurt. What if I promise not to lose anymore weight for a month? Nobody loves you or is more proud of you than me. I would do anything for you. I only want you to be at peace. What if I promise not to lose anymore weight for two months? Please, let’s get professional help. What if I promise to maintain my weight for six months? Would that make you happy? Will anything make you happy? Why are you doing this to me? He hung up. He called back moments later. I just got my job back. And hung up again. That very same day I spoke with my shrink who promised me I wasn’t nuts and swore that she knew him and knew this was real. And days after that mess I saw our physician and we worked out a plan to get Samuel checked out and the doctor promised he would not drop dead or waste away to dust for his organs would fail and he’d need urgent care but not to worry he won’t die right away. And meanwhile Sam promised he’d make an appointment to see the doctor that day. And the next day he promised he’d make an appointment to see the doctor that day. A week later he promised me he’d call the doctor once we hung up. And I called the doctor and the doctor told me he could not do a thing until Samuel went to see him. And I called my psychiatrist and begged for his help and cried that my husband was wasting away please can he see you for a consult and you might tell him you can help. And we changed my appointment for a time when my husband might make it. He never showed for he had to work and promised he’d call him real soon. We argued and fought and we cried until our bleeding hearts were raw. He’d curl up in my arms and cry for years and not say a word just lie there. The cries turned to fights and I never not once lost my cool or my temper with him for I knew he was sick that he had an addiction – his true love, his best friend - and I was trying to steal it away. I’m so sorry he said. I don’t know why I am such a jerk towards you. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3928 Registered: 5-2001 |
One day, hopefully soon, you will realize how fortunate you were to have him disappear. He was sucking the life out of you, now you can get it back and live for yourself and who you want to be. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6701 Registered: 5-2001 |
Have you reread what you just wrote and realized how much better a place you are in now? Sure, it is devastating. But you can, will and are getting over this and moving on. Can you believe how low he brought you? He is such an orifice. As devastating as it is/was, you are a very lucky woman to be free of that toxic person. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 995 Registered: 11-2001 |
He. Was. Sick. You can be so much healthier and can really enjoy life now that he is not a part of it. | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5712 Registered: 5-2001  |
Hey Sam - Don't let the door hit you where the dog bit you! Las - That's great news about your carpel...let's go next Thurs and she can maybe help with my shoulder. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 897 Registered: 10-2003 |
I cried a lot when I wrote that. It was so utterly painful last year I just wanted to die. I thought his admission about having anxiety about food meant he'd get better. I later realized he only made the admission, he never asked for help. So here I was, trying to steal away this thing that he thought made him strong, the one thing that was always there for him, his best friend even more so than me, and I became the enemy. Now, of course, I hope his prostate is in a permanent state of inflame which has led him to long nights of interrupted sleep, and he started puking and the acid has eroded his esophagus and teeth and that he finally looked in the mirror to realize the doctor didn't do such a hot job of centering his eye. No, I don't think I am better off. Just different off. Even in crisis, nothing beats being with the person you love. The neet thing now, however, is that I am busy enough and social enough that I am not longing for things I don't have. I am pretty much at peace. And quite often, I am happy. Mem, next Thursday for sure, but no yoga until we finish our run. And ess, no dinner until we finish our yoga. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1705 Registered: 8-2003 |
las - you can't see it but you are DEFINITELY better off, not just different. Would you have been better off believing you are manic deppressive? Would you have been better off living and breathing for a man who lied to you and manipulated you to believe that YOU have all these *issues* that so clearly were his own? Would you have been better off with him alone and not the huge network you now have? Would you have been better off with the shell-of-a-man husband you had? believe me. You are better off | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5715 Registered: 5-2001 |
OK - Let's run to yoga then - ess can drive us home. Someday soon you will realize what a big drag he was. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 898 Registered: 10-2003 |
Fine, I'm better off. Happy? At the risk of yet again being the last to realize the obvious, I am having a bit of difficulty reconciling my current state of okayness with my old life. I am trying to accept that there's more than one kind of happiness, and just because I like things now, does not negate what I liked about the past. Mem, let us know if you want to have dinner with us after class. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1706 Registered: 8-2003 |
Dare I say that the things you like about your life now would not have been possible in your old life. But the things you like about about your old life are part of the infinite possibilities of your new life. if that makes any sense at all.... | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1002 Registered: 11-2001 |
Would you have even gone to yoga had you still been with El Nutjob? All of the above having been said already -- y'know, about how life is better now -- I think you know. And you seem to know that what all of us are calling "better" you are rightly referring to as "different". It must be hard to take the past 14 years and say, oh, okay, now that I realize that this man whom I loved is a complete-and-total-narcissistic-deranged-eating-disordered-incapable-of-recogniz ing-his-own-issues-and-getting-help sadist, the whole 14 years together really stunk. Of course not. It's nice to remember the good parts and tuck them away somewhere. You can rage against the crappy parts until you have conquered them. And then you can realize that you are really doing quite well. Also -- note to Las & Mem, I can drive home from yoga Thursday. I am going to get a sitter that night because it was such an amazing experience that I want to do it again and again. Probably can't stay out super-late, though. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1707 Registered: 8-2003 |
hey - what's this whole running-yoga-dinner thing? I want in | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3933 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yeah, do tell... And I really like Ess's outlook. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 899 Registered: 10-2003 |
Would you have even gone to yoga had you still been with El Nutjob? Unlikely. The more obsessed he got with diet and exercise the more I rebelled. By gaining weight and stopping running I really showed him a thing or two about healthy behavior...ha! As for Pippi and VIG: When I began my quest for running buddies, Pippi said: I will be a running buddy with you in March. Then VIG said, I do not run, though I go through phases. I suppose one could eat and do yoga without running. We'd have to make dates - the whole point is to keep me moving because I likely won't do it by myself. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1708 Registered: 8-2003 |
it was definitely the yoga and dinner that intrigued me. It's true, I said I won't run outdoors until March. However, the recent weather has me wondering if that's silly. It has been warm enough to run out doors | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5716 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ess & Las - Was Thursday night yoga better than Sunday night? Was it crowded? Can Pippi come too? | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1007 Registered: 11-2001 |
Thursday's yoga was different from Sunday's. More exertion, more intense. You definitely feel this. It was not crowded last night. Pippi and VIG should def. come too!!! For the record, I don't run, ever, but I do enjoy a vigorous and long walk outdoors, weather permitting, and motivation persisting. So whoever is into the walk thing, instead of the run, please let me know. I love the company. Planning to meet regularly for some combination/permutation of walk/run/dinner/yoga is an excellent idea. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3934 Registered: 5-2001 |
I would run...Pippi and I did once and I loved it but I was dying the next day. I like walking a lot and yoga. Where do you take yoga? Thurs. right now are not good for me (I have play rehearsal) until after 8pm, but in a few weeks it might work. I do go through phases at the gym, I didn't lie! I rotate between the elliptical, bike and treadmill. I agree, a regular (or semi-regular!) fitness/social thing would be great! | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2883 Registered: 12-2004 |
To borrow a phrase: "It's like I'm invisible." | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 903 Registered: 10-2003 |
Since I am quoting from everyone's emails I'd like to also betray my friend, Me. Recently my friend Me said: "It's amazing, isn't it, how yoga and running do as much for the soul as they do for the body?" How right she is. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2888 Registered: 12-2004 |
Well, thanks las. Don't know if that was in response to the above. Actually what I was referring to was the P/L I sent you some days ago about dinner that you haven't responded to? All this talk about walk/run/yoga/dinner/fitness/social/girls-night-out--I was feeling a little left out! Small print would indicate whispering, as I don't want to put you on the spot. I figure you'll get back to me in time. But, with all these demands on your social schedule, I'm wondering where you'll fit us in! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 904 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm sorry, Me. I didn't realize this was a private conversation - I'll whisper, too. I thought we were a go for Wednesday, since you wrote, "looks like next Wednesday is a go. 6:00. Be there or be square." I will stop pulling emails out of the trash now. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1710 Registered: 8-2003 |
mem & ess- I would love to join but have a prior commitment this thursday. If the new run/yoga/eat thing doesn't lose momentum (no pun intended) by the following thursday, consider me in! thanks for the invite -- and for allowing me to "fish" for one  | ||
| Spare_o Supporter Username: Spare_o Post Number: 350 Registered: 9-2003 |
Las--I visit your blog from time to time and it's been wonderful to read your steady progress to getting your self back. I too was in a long term relationship that ended abruptly. That was in 1993 and after healing, I haven't looked back (not in the literal sense but in an emotional sense, I guess). It looks like you will get there and probably sooner than you ever thought. ess--I realize this may be presumptuous of me. I don't run but would love to start walking and may need a partner to get me out the door. If you are interested in a partner outside of the group who has been posting here please either send me a PL or post here and I'll check back. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3951 Registered: 5-2001 |
Does anyone have mornings free to walk? I have some time MWF am's (for this school year) and I'd love to get myself to walk for even 1/2 hour before I go home to take care of house stuff. Let me know... |
