| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1002 Registered: 10-2003 |
Especially when you are not paying for it. But I am paying for it, fifty percent. I not only prostituted myself for the money, but I was such lousy whore I only got half (and that's because Samuel's attorney apparently thought he was enough of a scum bag to make him contribute). The thought of quitting my job to take this risk is paralyzing. But the prospect of quitting school enabled me to practice my Bach Fugue in C- for 50 minutes this afternoon. I'm sure this guy will work with me. I just didn't give him the chance today. | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1062 Registered: 5-2003 |
You did not prostitute yourself!! You were entitled to what you got, and you should have gotten more!! Stop beating yourself up. Your lawyer should have put his dick through a wringer. You are a good person, and you have not done anything shameful. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1004 Registered: 10-2003 |
Lizziecat, I'm not ashamed of being a whore. Just pissed at myself for not being a better one. ;-) | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1063 Registered: 5-2003 |
You. Are. Not. A. Whore. People, help, please. Tell Las she is entitled to financial support from the schmuck until she gets on her feet. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1006 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oh, dear Lizziecat, I haven't been articulate. There is no financial support, our assets were split fifty-fifty. Although by law he was not required to do so, seeing as Sam is such a turd his attorney (no small turd himself) insisted he contribute towards the remainder of my education. But Turdly's attorney would only agree to fifty percent of my pending school costs, so that amount (half from each of us) has been set aside in trust. He ain't supportin' nothin'. Since the law didn't require him to contribute anything towards my school, but we were in fact getting something for school, we didn't want to risk going to court and having a judge rule against me. So I ceded to every demand (hence, the harlot image). Another risk of going to court was that someone seemed to have stopped earning money after he ran away from home, so there was a risk I would have to support him! Convinced he was holding back projects until the divorce was final, my attorney got a look-back clause in the agreement, so that for the next few years I am entitled to something like three cents if he earns so much percent more than the previous year. Three cents after fourteen years of editing his work and supporting his career. GAH! | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1064 Registered: 5-2003 |
Still, you are not a harlot. You did the best you could. It's late. I am old. I am going to sleep. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1007 Registered: 10-2003 |
Hope you are well rested, Lizziecat. You'll need those energy reserves if you're to continue associating with me. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 614 Registered: 10-2003 |
las---I am not sure if this is a help or a nudge toward wakeup call or if I should even step into this....but....I have known for over 50 years that if you do not love yourself, no one else will either. I have met you twice. I think that you have a lot to offer. I think that you will have more to offer if you get this degree because then, no matter what you end up doing, using the degree or not, you will have accomplished something that really seems to mean something to you. Nothing is guaranteed in life except that we are going to die...something could easily change by the time you reach your goal and then your degree will be well worth the effort. For the time being though, you are letting him win just by not moving forward with your degree and by calling yourself names that we both know are not true names for you. Respectfully submitted, BGS | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1069 Registered: 3-2002 |
well said BGS ditto! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1008 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, B. I have actually been working on a paper since 8 am. (On and off.) And I have decided not to quit school today. I really do like myself better in school. And your words are always respectfully received. What I don't get is why people have a problem with calling a spade a spade here. I sold myself for my education. I didn't fight for some things, and I didn't press charges against the people who had the sale in my house without my permission, and I gave things up, all to secure something else: my school. It's not like one of those games you play wherein you meet your husband at a dive bar and pretend to be a stranger and pick him up and get paid to do stuff against a wall somewhere for cash (I must have read about this somewhere). This was a real selling a part of myself. And it has impacted me greatly. | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1066 Registered: 5-2003 |
What BGS said. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3074 Registered: 12-2004  |
You did what you had to do to get through a horrible situation without making it even more horrible than it was. I believe it's called "self preservation." STOP calling yourself awful names. You are so far from that it's hardly even worth arguing about. You have every right to be upset, and you've had every right since the day he walked out the door. This is just another thing you will need to face and to deal with in a way the takes care of you. This too shall pass. Things change all the time. Just because something looks one way today, doesn't mean it will look the same a month from now, or a year from now, or 20 years from now. If school is what you really, really want--and it certainly seems like you do to those of us on the outside--then do what you have to do to get what you want. Not saying it will be easy. Not saying it won't be stressful at times. But it certainly seems worth it. You are a sweet, funny, caring, thoughtful, intelligent person. That's what you need to keep telling yourself. Calling yourself names is only hurting, not helping. Having said that, keep in mind quite a few of us know where you live. And I for one will be happy to come smack you upside the head if you don't stop being so mean to las!  | ||
| Amateur Night Citizen Username: Deborahg Post Number: 1756 Registered: 5-2001  |
Hi, Las, According to your rationale, I "sold myself" for my kid in my divorce. That is, I gave up a lot of other things I was probably entitled to in order to make sure I got at least some support for her. I prefer the phrases "I compromised," "chose my battle," or even "chose the hill I wanted to die on." All imply thoughtful judgement on my part rather than prostitution. Just .02 from a fellow traveler on the road. Keep on truckin', mama! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1010 Registered: 10-2003 |
Hi Deborah - no, you're not a whore at all. You have a daughter; no matter how you did it, you're a mom who made sure your child remained with you. That's admirable (and worth a lot more than .02). I'm not feeling very whore-like this morning. Must have been last night's yoga (it really does work). I've put money issues aside for a while* until I get this current load homework submitted. I'll deal with it later. * Except for my underlying fantasy the turdley one will return my money out of extreme pain from the realization of what he has done. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1015 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm getting married. The only way for me to finish my education is to have a husband who can financially support me while I do my fieldwork and commence my new career. The way it stands now, I will have to secure a future job, then quit my current job to do my fieldwork, then take that new job post-graduation for significantly less pay than I earn currently. My shrink is in agreement, which proves this is a valid plan. If anyone knows of a non-smoking, assuredly straight male who is willing to take medication for any neuroses that interfere with everyday life, who is kind, willing to be the breadwinner, and prepared to move to Maplewood, I'd appreciate your giving him my name. You can tell him that in return, I will be a loyal wife he can trust who will create beautiful gardens and ensure his children read above grade level. And since I got straddled with three cats, he must not be a dog person. Please, only refer serious contenders. I have no desire to date, so I'd rather not waste all our energies playing games. Thank you. Oh - this semester is turning out to be a killer, so the wedding would have to be sometime after May. | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 1308 Registered: 10-2002  |
Las - don't be silly; you don't have to get married for this. Don't you know that MegaMillions Jackpot is up to something like $170 million??? Just buy a lottery ticket today though because you'll be winning the drawing tonight. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1016 Registered: 10-2003 |
'kay. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1793 Registered: 8-2003  |
"And since I got straddled with three cats, he must not be a dog person. " do you mean SADDLED? Or "STRADDLED BY"?  Other suggested requirements: He shouldn't be mean, insecure, dependent | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6771 Registered: 5-2001  |
I think that you are approaching this all wrong - you can either have a relationship or a business arrangement. What is your primary goal? Education & support? Or an intimate partnership? It sounds like, for now, you are going for the education. So, you need a marriage of convenience. Revise your criteria accordingly. Too much mixing and matching in there, IMHO. He doesn't even have to live with you, right? You simply need someone who will finance the other 50% of your education (if you get married, do you lose It's support?) in exchange for what you can bring to the table. I think lots of the things you offer have merit as business assets. You also need to be available for social engagements, I'd think. "Pretty Woman" without the sex and tuition instead of the new wardrobe. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1018 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks Pippi. No, didn't straddle my cats. I think someone who is a successful business man would work out, as he has 'made' it and likely beleives he should somehow 'give back' but 'doesn't have time.' I'd give back for both of us. The money is mine regardless of marital status, G. I just need someone to share his salary with me once I graduate, possibly May 2007. And please don't sell me too short, sex would be nice. It would be better if I could have a relationship with this man. So, can you all help me with this? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2374 Registered: 9-2003  |
I really thing you should do eHarmony. At least check out their form, etc. The more I hear about them, the more convinced I am... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6772 Registered: 5-2001 |
All's I'm saying is that the sex and the financing do not necessarily need to come from the same place. You can have a business arrangement to provide non-sexual services to anyone, in return for tuition. This opens you to a whole realm of possibilities. Men, women, gay, straight, doesn't matter. Then, you are free to data (whatever) anyone who appeals to you. You can afford a poor boy toy! And you could do eHarmony as well. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1022 Registered: 10-2003 |
Cyn, I can't date. I wont register. But feel free to do the legwork for me in your spare time. All I need is a kind man with money willing to marry a kind woman. Mutual respect. Word of mouth, people, please. And thanks, G'tree, but I'm not in the market for a boy toy at this time (shocking, I know). Between school, networking for my future career and planning for my pending marriage, there's simply no time. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1079 Registered: 3-2002 |
I think Greentree is on to something - how about a really nice, charitable guy who happens to need a greencard! I knew someone who got a note with her money back from eHarmony - it seems there was not a single compatable guy in their database for her - she was less than heartened by the news... | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1028 Registered: 10-2003 |
I didn't meet my future husband today and I think it's because no one takes my request seriously. Maybe I will meet him tomorrow. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1798 Registered: 8-2003 |
I think it's because you're not willing to any work, but you want US to do it all!  | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1069 Registered: 5-2003 |
We'll keep our eyes open. How about a really, really old rich one? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2375 Registered: 9-2003 |
Worked for Anna Nicole Smith...(after a fashion) Jackie Onassis, and I'm sure many, many upperclass ladies whose names escape me. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1031 Registered: 10-2003 |
Jokes, jokes. My beloved had seasonal depression. Untreated, of course, because he could handle it. Every November about the time of his birthday his mood would sink and he'd question whether he wanted to remain in Maplewood, whether he wanted to be married, he hated the cold and should we move to LA? We'd go to therapy together, each year a new couple's shrink, the days would get longer, his mood would improve, and he'd stop counseling. He never wanted to leave our life in May or July, only the dark of winter. Always triggered by the reminder of his birth. Those annual episodes usually involved talk of moving to LA, something I never wanted to do, but would have done because I loved him and spouses move for one another. In truth, my life was movable: they have boarder babies in LA, they have the Arc in LA, they have my firm in LA, they have grad school in LA. I never wanted to move, but it could have been done, and he promised we would never have to sell our home, it would always be there for me to return. School decisions became overly taxing because how could I commit to fieldwork for the following year if we might be moving next semester? How could I register for classes next term if we might be moving before the next winter arrives? So each registration period would come and we'd have to ascertain whether we were staying or going, whether I should continue with my education or withdraw. One shrink told him to find me school options and community options and salaries for him to help ease my mind, to no avail. We stopped seeing him soon after. So, here I am again, having to face school decisions and although it's been almost eleven months since he left, he has managed to once more louse up this important process for me. You know, he told me he was so proud of me. Every time I headed out to class in the rain or the cold, or he brought me afternoon snacks or tea while I was studying and writing in his office, he would remind me how proud he was. When I asked him at an attorney meeting in September if he would contribute towards my health insurance between graduation and obtaining a job, he told me I had more than enough money. For someone so proud of me he really made going to school as hard as possible. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1040 Registered: 10-2003 |
I didn't meet my future husband today, either. I like myself better when I am in school. I'm not prepared to quit. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1044 Registered: 10-2003 |
Rereading old emails can do wonders for your mood...not. These are between me and my friend Jean, who retired two days after my husband left. I was going to host a tiny luncheon in my home for her last day, him even helped me with details, but I was still in shock and had to cancel. I wanted her to postpone her leaving for a few weeks, I needed the daily contact with her, but I never outright asked her to stay. From me to Jean: 2/18/05 ARGH! What a jerk he is. He was so inappropriately obnoxious to me last night I finally snapped and told him he should sleep somewhere else (he did). Then when I went upstairs I slammed his door closed so the cats couldn't sleep with him either. He can't see that he is being overly defensive with me, can't see I care for him more than anyone. As of last night he hasn't lost weight for over four months (funny - for a guy with no weight issues why is he always talking about how little weight he loses?) and how it's because of me he stopped weighing himself every day. I never talk about eating or eating disorders, I just tell him I am concerned he has lost weight. People lose weight for a lot of reasons - but he goes right to the real issue because it's so huge for him. I hate him and I want him to go away this weekend so I don't have to deal with him. He is mean and selfish. 2/18/05 ED's [eating disorders](for men or women) are all about control. He feels he has no control anywhere else, so this is the one place he can hold the reigns. He thinks that by not eating or losing his weight, that's control. He's not able to see it as an anxiety disorder. Two weeks ago he was bragging about how he hasn't lost weight in a month. This week he's bragging how it's been two months since he lost any weight, and if he didn't lose weight for another month would that shut me up? He's trying to show me he can control his eating and weight loss. But I'm never happy with his decisions, I'm always trying to bring him down and judge him. He can't hear that I'm concerned, he can only hear that I am trying to take away the one thing that brings him comfort. Or so he thinks. 2/22/05 Saw our physician this am - I told him my concerns about Sam. He wants him to make an appointment for a complete physical within the next week, and wants me to come in with him. Sunday we started to talk: turns out he is aware that no matter what I say he interprets it as being mean and controlling and he can't hear me because he has this translation issue with my voice. At one time he said when he hears my voice he hears his mother! I reminded him all the reasons I don't want to hurt him, I love him, I support him, I am his biggest fan, I preface everything by saying I am not attacking him, etc. He doesn't know what he wants in life, doesn't know anything. He is depressed. He gets it every year. It doesn't make it any easier on me, it's quite exhausting actually, but it's almost forumulaic the way it happens year after year. So I spent the entire weekend crying and napping. He says he loves me. This is the last time I am going through this. Either we are getting divorced or he is getting help. And I think we will get divorced before he contemplates medication. He is trying to handle this on his own (for the past six years) and won't accept that his way is not working. Can I move in with you? 2/24/05 For someone who is so miserable ....he has tucked me in every morning this week - when was the last time you got tucked in? It is awesome. And he has been more loving and intimate (when he is not tantruming) than he has been in ages. He hasn't made his physical appointment yet, but 'depending on his schedule will try to make it for next week.' *** Wow, one year ago. He was so very, very sick. I sleep better now. I don't miss him, the person, at all. I miss what I had, but not that bad, sad person. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 4068 Registered: 5-2001 |
So then getting divorced wasn't such a shock to you, was it? It was just the cajone-less way he left that was so huge, am I right? No matter, I think you are doing better! I know you miss some aspects of your old life but you were such a prisoner. It sucks that it had to happen that way, and it stinks that he screwed you out of money for school, but at least you are free. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1806 Registered: 8-2003 |
"Wow, one year ago. He was so very, very sick. I sleep better now. I don't miss him, the person, at all. I miss what I had, but not that bad, sad person." yay! you have come so far I wish I could you hug you right now! | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1166 Registered: 11-2001 |
To say that this is huge progress would be an understatement. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1045 Registered: 10-2003 |
I was a bit out of sorts this morning and went looking through my emails for comfort and for a while I was feeling very alone in this world but I just spoke with my sister and feel some relief. She is really dumb and I hate her so much for not seeing a doctor ages ago and I could just scream at her for not being a smarter person about this, but she is very tired and very scared so I keep reminding her just as she's been reminding me for almost eleven months that we are there for each other. We're all each other's got. I can't really write about how much I hate her right now because she reads this blog. All I need is half a day's notice and I can fly down to her. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1807 Registered: 8-2003 |
I hope she just got the message | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5805 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las, What's wrong with your sis?  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1046 Registered: 10-2003 |
I don't know what's wrong with her and she doesn't know what's wrong with her and there's a word we won't use even when we talk about other family members who had it. And we keep telling each other to take things slowly yet we keep making plans for a changed future. I will NOT have her chihuahua's torturing my cats. I just can't live like that. And even though we can talk a dozen times a day, I'm trying not to be annoying so I'm not calling so much. She has a friend there for a few more days so I know she's okay. She's my best, most annoying friend in the world. I can't stand her. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6778 Registered: 5-2001 |
If you like, you can pass along this message for me. It's something that I've been saying to my mom (Queen of Denial) for years; not just about illness-related things: Just because you ignore it doesn't mean that it isn't there. And if you don't ignore it, you can do something about it. Take some control. And you could very well be wrong about the scenario playing in your head. BTW, Las - reading your last year's e-mails, I can tell that you are so much stronger and even happier in some ways. Maybe you are just too close to the situation to see it? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1048 Registered: 10-2003 |
Not too close, I see it, too, G'tree. I still can't believe I am doing okay. I'm going to allow my sister to read your message herself. Then I will direct her to another blog to be consoled, or hopefully, to be frightened into making better choices. |
