| Author | Message | ||
     Crazy_quilter Citizen Username: Crazy_quilter Post Number: 144 Registered: 2-2005 |
I'm a long time lurker here, and just wanted to confess. I'm very wrapped up in your lives and try to send positive thoughts whenever I can. For whatever that's worth! In my former life (Before children), I was an art therapist. I worked many years in hospitals, nursing homes and hospice programs. I only knew people when they were already sick. It's so much harder from this side! Okay, now I've come clean and feel better. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2303 Registered: 9-2003  |
Curt's the same way. He *forgets* that he could call in a favor or get a little consideration due to his condition. Meanwhile, my boss gave me a speech about how I might need to do some travelling. To, say, China for a few days. Now that my colleague-who-never-works-late-or-travels-cuz-he-has-three-kids (and his wife travels but she has the more important big $$ job) has gone to the UK for 2 days, there's no bush I can hide behind. I gotta get the man well-er. And maybe a passport would be good. I'm telling Curt this and he says "what's the problem?" And I goes (I go): "Well, I don't see how I can go to other corners of the globe while you can't drive and might need emergency care." Sez he: "Oh. I'll be alright." Curtis, King of Denial | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6970 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cynicalgirl: I'm so happy to hear that Curt got such a good report on his last visit. Here's hoping he remains in good health for many more years to come. | ||
| Crazy_quilter Citizen Username: Crazy_quilter Post Number: 145 Registered: 2-2005 |
Could Curt call 911? I just had to call recently becus my 1 year old locked himself in the bathroom. I'm sure they'd rather be called for a real emergency. Are there ambulettes that can be hired? Car service? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6699 Registered: 5-2001  |
I think the question is not could Curt call 911, but would he do it? Cyn - frightening as hell, I know, but maybe this will be good for the whole family. Curt will have to be the responsible adult because you aren't there. It's so easy to get trapped in the caretaker role, especially when you are a mom and in the situation 24/7. It's gonna be a long time until he is completely over the ravages of chemo so may as well jump in with the small stuff. Think about it - at night, your daughter is old enough to call for help if her dad needs it (and he hasn't so far, right?) and during the day, you are in the city anyway. What if you lined up an emergency driver for each day you are gone, 4 or 5 including travel? I'm sure that there are a number of people who will be willing to check in each morning and say "do you need anything from the grocery store? ride to school because it's raining? etc.". It might be really good for Cyn daughter to have some alone time with her dad when he knows that you aren't there & he has to do what "parent" stuff he can. And she's old enough to help her dad heat up frozen lasagna & make salad. And you will all feel great when you get home and realized that the family survived and thrived. I'll share my Xanax for your plane ride.  If your company doesn't provide international cell phones, you can rent one really cheaply from your cell carrier. For $25 & .60 a minute, Verizon Fedexed one to my house, it worked the moment I turned it on in Europe and Fedexed it back when I got home. Even if your company doesn't reimburse (which would be insane) it's pretty cheap peace of mind. BTW - all this pompous wisdom comes from the very strong rum cake I am eating while cooking dinner. Yum. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6700 Registered: 5-2001 |
••••. I overcooked the pasta. It's the same color as the rum cake. Think TS will notice if I give her a slice of that in a pasta bowl?  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2304 Registered: 9-2003 |
THanks much, Joan. Right now, we feel like (should we be so lucky) we could live a life of vigilance, periodic cancer, periodic chemo. It's a life. And maybe in a few years there'll be some gene therapy or something that could MAKE IT STOPPPPPPP!!! Yep, Crazy, he could. I just couldn't bring myself to leave him and the 12 year old if he were precarious. If he gets less precarious, I could. I'd just die if I were a long plane ride away and hell broke loose. Especially for my kid cuz she's seen enough of her dad looking like Golum in extremis. | ||
| Crazy_quilter Citizen Username: Crazy_quilter Post Number: 146 Registered: 2-2005 |
Yeah, 12 is still young to have to feel responsible. Maybe you could hire someone to sleep over? Or maybe it's just not time yet. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2310 Registered: 9-2003 |
She's a pushy little kid, but. It's not cooking that I worry about, as he can do it. I just can't easily forget a couple of times last summer when she was home with him and he got so sick. She called our admin assistant crying to find me. I know that's not how it is right now, but it was heart breaking. Her calling me saying he was talking funny, or couldn't wake up. Much as we fight here and there these days, it was too much for her. I'm just going to stall a bit, which I can, and hope things look different in another month. The absence of him driving doesn't bother me so much, but I've got to be sure he can act in an emergency. We none of us are quite over some of the horrors, the things we've seen and been through. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2956 Registered: 9-2003 |
Cyn - you're right. 12 is old enough to do her own laundry and clean her room. Not old enough to handle an emergency all by herself... I'm sure she's a mature 12 in many ways ... but she's still 12. Not saying that you shouldn't take the trip - as I agree with GT that it would be good for you and Curt (although can your first outing be a little closer than China?) .. just saying that CynGirl needs some major back-up.. people she trusts and can talk to. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6708 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, I've pretty much concluded that I need to rekindle my relationship with my inner Vulcan-Bitch. I will not be looking for a new job at the moment. I will stay here and I will perform well. For now. I will discuss nothing about my mom with anyone here (the boss makes a point of not asking). She asks about TS's foot. Gettin betterg, I reply. I do not have the opportunity to answer the same question about my mom. I will also not go into her office and tell her that switching projects with me (I was working on post-surgical pain) and assigning me the cancer pain project is testing every fiber of my being. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2964 Registered: 9-2003 |
Actully, given that she knows your history from the past year, I believe that what she is doing is called harrassment. Let BikerGreenetree with the leather pants, blue hair and razor blade earrings come out to tell her. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 931 Registered: 3-2002 |
I agree - that goes beyond her being self-absorbed or just not thinking...sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing, and it's probably not her way of trying to be helpful... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2319 Registered: 9-2003 |
My old boss was a clueless byitch who've done the same -- caused unintentional pain. Don't blame you a PO'ed to the max. At this end, we had a "successful" appointment with a lovely woman at Social Security in NJ. Reminded me mightily of Queen Latifah, which didn't hurt. Twenty minutes in she asked Curt for his wife's social security number. He looks at me, and I say "221-xx-XXXX." Sez she, "Oh, my, I didn't know you were his wife. You are so thorough and organized I thought you were his lawyer or a social worker!" Made me feel good. Anyway, some hope that the process will go the faster for all the records I've supplied in advance, medical etc. I'm prepared to be rejected initially as everyone tells me that often happens. It's pretty yucky in that the conditions seem to be that you will not work for years and years or ever again, or that you're gonna die. If it works, he will get something for himself, and half of that something for our kid. It would make all the difference and reduce my worry load to the purely medical. I would no longer have nightmares about the bailiffs or similar kicking us out of our house (which is all too real a possiblity if this doesn't work, this being Maplewood in Essex County). And, yes, Joan if we fax his DTT whatever in it would add a couple of hundred a month all in. His service in Viet Nam is worth something after all....! Cross your fingers, ladies. | ||
| mjh Supporter Username: Mjh Post Number: 360 Registered: 5-2001 |
We'll each rekindle our relationship with our "inner Vulcan-Bitch" and head to the Newark SS decision-maker in chief's office if Curt's application rejected! I suspect your fans could make a scary little army when provoked........... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2320 Registered: 9-2003 |
It's actually some other office, in Trenton I think, where they review the applications in specific. Are we ready? We are Devo, D-E-V-O... Really, it went pretty well so I shall try to think happy thoughts. The case manager was very nice, and very efficient. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6991 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cynicalgirl: That's a DD 214. It shows his separation from the armed forces. The SSI benefits are separate from what he could get from the VA, if qualified. I hope you are not ignoring applying for VA benefits for Curt since it could mean even more money coming in. That's really great news! Sounds like a lot of positive things are happening just now. Here's hoping everything continues to go so well. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2322 Registered: 9-2003 |
Nope, not ignoring. Just that right now, the SSI seems the faster, surer thing and I gotta start somewhere! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6726 Registered: 5-2001 |
Chemo starts today. I am nervous as hell about her being alone this weekend. But, she wants to do it. Normal Bro and I are taking it day by day, knowing we will have to go there soon, but not knowing when. Super K, the Angel, told me yesterday that she has her own nodule on her lung and is going for another Xray today. I am the only one who knows other than her husband. Had a decent day at work yesterday. I told my boss that I am not able to do the cancer part of the project. She said "don't worry, the codevelopment company is doing the cancer trials". I was too relieved to be annoyed that she didn't tell me that before I did all the background work and had a major anxiety attack. And the beat goes on..... | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 3012 Registered: 9-2001  |
G: Did you get my PL last week? | ||
| Bob K Supporter Username: Bobk Post Number: 10618 Registered: 5-2001 |
There is a lot of this going around. My wife's big sister, who is just about the same age as Greentree's Mom, had been feeling poorly and had a stiff neck. They are still doing tests at Sloan Kettering but the first x-rays show white spots on her lungs and brain. She had ovarian cancer a few years ago, had surgery and was declared cancer free. Life sucks. Sis had just retired at Thanksgiving....... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2338 Registered: 9-2003 |
So, greenie, do youse guys have a contact tree deal going, or how are you restraining yourselves while staying/feeling in the loop? Too much cancer blowin' in the wind. And so often you tell people at work or whereever and they're sorta shocked that it isn't all curable as yet. I guess the cancer "cures" have got a lot of good press, and as Americans we like to think we can conquer anything. Right. Over in this neck of the woods, the kid and I have been sick as dogs this week with what acted like strep but isn't. Curt had a yucky week for no particular reason. And then I gave him a really good present: I got his follow up endoscopy scheduled for this week so I could take him while officially sick. Doc said all things looked normal/ok but as always they send little bits out for lab work. My main goal is to get better, gather the tax stuff this weekend, catch up on the wash and find the DD214. And pay someone to shovel the inevitable snow! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2190 Registered: 5-2001 |
Bob - That's really awful. So sorry. Deb | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2981 Registered: 9-2003 |
BobK - sorry to hear you have joined the club no one wants to be in. Visited the BIL today. He's looking better - skinny as a chicken, but seemed to have a more positive outlook and stayed up the whole time we were there instead of retreating to his bedroom. His appetite has improved a bit and he's eating better.. but not putting on weight. Pet scan coming up, then he's going to a new doctor and getting a more aggresive chemo treatment. Hope springs eternal..... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2340 Registered: 9-2003 |
Bob K, ditto on what SoOrLady said. We, too, were in a fool's paradise for a 3+ years. Curt had colon cancer in summer of 2001, colectomy surgery, complete recovery. Largely put it out of our heads until Dec 2004. Now, here we are. SoOrLady, glad to hear BIL is a bit better. My husband is still quite, quite skinny which is hard to take. But, he eats and has appetite, too. I'm happy to hear your BIL is coming to grips and trying. Yep, hope springs eternal. Me, hoping for good endoscopy outcome. Yesterday, quite out of the blue, Curt heard that one of his Viet Nam Vet online buddies died on the 8th of 2 heart attacks. A lovely, humorous man who in retirement worked at a cat shelter in Texas. Online, was sympathetic to the other Vetsi illnesses, and aging issues as he'd had none. Then, poof! He was 57. Ain't no tellin'... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6733 Registered: 5-2001 |
Bob - so sorry here, as well. We don't want new members, but we are here. Debby - I was thinking about you yesterday. I just still can't really talk about very much at this point. Too much crap in my head. SOL - that's great that he seems in a better mood. I think that it can start a cycle: feel better, act better, get more positive, etc. Cyn - I'm so sorry about Curt's friend. I know that has him really down. I find myself getting freaked about the smallest things with TS (did you schedule your physical? Your bone density scan? Your mammogram?). I am suddenly, painfully aware of aging issues. Mom sounded good yesterday. A little nauseated and tired, but OK. I am trying very, very hard to stop dweliing on when things will deteriorate and focus on the fact that right now, today, things are not bad. It's not in my nature not to anticipate things. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2341 Registered: 9-2003 |
Hey, greenetree...Curt's actually not bad. Sorry he didn't get to meet the fellow live, at last summer's reunion. Alas! Curt was in the throes at that point. He's hoping he's well enough this summer. It may be that Curt's feeling sort of grateful to be alive right now. I made a nice dinner last night (filet mignon, baked potatoes, etc.), we had a fire and all 3 watched The 40 Year Old Virgin and had laughs. A little blue for the kid in theory, but I'm not that censorious. I freak on my own health given Curt. It is hard not to assume every little thing is the kiss of death, or death's near promise, or some freakin' thing. I just came in from shovelling a poop path for the dog, the porch, the front walk and half the sidewalk. Really quite fluffy and not that hard. Resting up for the other half and the base of the driveway. Parked the car down it to avoid the whole thing. Little snotty comment here: I'm out there shovelling in my tall red vinyl boots, watching two neighbor men down the street by 2 houses using their fancy blowers. Trying, subtly, to encourage them to come my way. No such luck. I only slightly know them -- my street is not one of those ultra Maplewood/Mayberry ones where everyone is in each other's yards like Ozzie and Harriet. No eye contact, nada. Oh, well...I got some exercise! Curt kept coming to the door telling me to come in before I hurt myself. But, I did stop. Now I can justify PANCAKES!! And, at least we have a path should we have a 911 emergency. What a cheerful thought...! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2361 Registered: 9-2003 |
My Valentine's Day present: Last night, after dinner, Curt sez: "Oh, I forgot to tell you. Gastro Boy called Monday and the endoscopy tests were negative for new cancer." Slipped his mind! Anyway, very great news. For the near, near term, it'll be all about monthly onco visit for blood work, and PET/CAT scans at close intervals. Per the onco, it's just a matter of time before it recurs, but maybe that time will elongate a tad. Next onco visit is first week in March. Meanwhile, I faxed the DD214 to Disability. I have to hope the cancer abates for awhile, but equally that Disability doesn't mysteriously find him "ready for work." One look at him, his lack of stamina, sleepiness, scrawniness etc. and it's clear that such is not the case. If I could have my wish it would be speedy classification of Diability (as we REALLY are getting in dire straits) such that he has breathing space to get weller. It's awful to have to worry about both at the same time. Well, we shall see, shan't we? Anyway, must go with the good news for now. Funny how one's dreams change... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6750 Registered: 5-2001 |
That's wonderful news, Cyn. Oh, those dreams..... Mom went to lunch with friends yesterday and to her office for a meeting today. I am trying very hard not to constantly check up on her. She is getting more tired more easily & I vascilate between going to see her more often and waiting until I really need to be there. This is so friggin' hard. She doesn't want to talk about being sick, so I have to go with that. In the meantime, I am trying my best not to dwell on it too much and look too far into the future. But I can't help thinking about packing up her house and belongings down the road and how utterly horrible that will be. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 610 Registered: 10-2003 |
Greenie- I can only imagine how hard this is on you. I think of the very same thing and my Mom is not even sick...just getting older (81)- Good wishes flow for you and the family. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1034 Registered: 3-2002 |
GT, If/when that time comes, there are people you can pay to help sort/pack/donate etc. (I've hired such a person in OH myself)...I know you are not at that stage of things, so ignore this post if it's presumptuous/painful...but maybe it's helpful to know you won't have to do it all - no one *can* do it all. And yippee Curt/Cynical! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2364 Registered: 9-2003 |
Packing/sorting: I have done it several times, for my grandma (she was alive, but moving in with my Dad) and for my parents (both to move into assisted living, and then after their death). What I know of it is that it can be a very personal, and necessary ritual that must be respected however slow and painful (and boring in places). This was very true with my grandma. Yep, you can pay people to do it but sometimes its part of the stinkin' process so to speak, either for the person being packed, or for the bereft one. greenie, what you said in your third paragraph. Somehow try not to dwell. I'm in much the same place tho at the mo my news is different. It's so against my nature not to plan, but I feel like I daren't. Alive till next Christmas? Alive till kid's graduation? Marriage? Who the fukk knows...If I figure out how to do this I'll let you know. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1038 Registered: 3-2002 |
Cyn, Didn't mean to be insensitive - we did initial sorting as well, but there was just so much & we needed help once important & personal stuff was taken care of. I'll just shut up now | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2365 Registered: 9-2003 |
I guess I sounded judgemental -- jeez, I didn't mean to doulamomma. Foot in mouth. I have sorta weirdly fond memories of it I guess. Hated it at the time, really hated it. Don't shut up. Didn't mean to elicit that and, hey, maybe I po'ed greenetree anyway. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1039 Registered: 3-2002 |
Don't worry - I wasn't offended & didn't take it in a bad way - you make a good point & it's such a crappy topic to talk about & think about anyway...just wanting to be helpful without being an a*s... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6770 Registered: 5-2001 |
A very good friend's father died last week. We went to the funeral this morning. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be. I tried to think about other things during the service, but couldn't help thinking about my mom. We sat with another friend, who lost his dad to lung cancer a couple years ago. He was very teary-eyed, too. I did not go to the cemetary; I didn't think I could handle the grave site. | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 2907 Registered: 5-2005  |
Greenie I'm sorry but experiences like this make us appreciate every second we talk with our loved ones. The time we get is precious embrace and laugh together enjoy each moment... Never miss an opportunity to hug or kiss and say I love you. Thinking of you... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2372 Registered: 9-2003 |
greenetree, that sounds pretty rugged. If misery loves company at all, I too had those kinds of experiences but after my father died. Seemed like every 6 months I had a funeral to go for some friend or other's parent. Was like picking a scab. Didn't even matter what sort of funeral or the cause of death. Went to a couple of funerals in Philly at some very interactive Black Baptist churches. I found those, ultimately, way more cathartic than the more restrained versions of my White colleagues. Somehow the context in which things were put, especially if the death had been preceded by great pain, or was in some sense premature, was way more effective. Made me wish I were a member of their congregations. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1012 Registered: 10-2003 |
Wise choice. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3006 Registered: 9-2003 |
GT - sorry it was a bad day. Its good that you recognized your limits and didn't go to the gravesite. Peace to you. |
