| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6774 Registered: 5-2001  |
I've been avoiding posting because there is everything and nothing to say. Mom is going strong. Super K thinks that it is mind over matter for her. We've both noticed how "on" she is: charming, laughing. She went on a sales call with a colleague yesterday, which is great. She told me that she is doing lots of things - wearing her fur coat, jewelry she saves for good, etc. If I make it, I'll wear it out. And if I die, I'll have gotten to use everything. Why save it? She lingers in every conversation, whether one of her kids or a clerk at the store. Baby Bro commented to me how she seems happier than she's been in years. We don't think she's happy that she's sick, but, rather that something in her clicked that life is too unpredictable to be stressed. Her cough is getting worse. She's more fatigued and a bit less hungry. I try not to worry. But I do. Super K is looking out for someone to be a daily caretaker if it comes to that. I really am happy that she is having a good time. It sucks that she is having so much fun and it's not going to last. But it would be so very, very much worse if she were miserable and sitting in her house, waiting, waiting..... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2376 Registered: 9-2003  |
She's doing the chemo, right? It sounds great that she's out and about and doing... I know you can't help worrying. Is there really so little hope? Guess I'm a sucker for hope. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6776 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yes -she is doing chemo. Her white count is really low right now, but she's being cautious and going on with her life, rather than avoiding everyone and everything. There is always hope. But, I sense a certain peace in her that makes me think things are inevitable. This is where Mom & Curt part paths; she has mets in 3 places and he is clear. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2377 Registered: 9-2003 |
For the moment. We see the doc next Thursday. No, I'm not looking the current gift horse in the mouth, but I am mindful of a what a difference a day makes sometimes. He's not hardly fatter, still not driving. Dec 04 Cancer Jan 05 Surgery - We got it all June 05 Cancer July 05 Chemo Aug 05 Chem Sept 05 Near death Oct 05 No cancer Dec 05 No cancer Jan 06 No cancer | ||
| Bob K Supporter Username: Bobk Post Number: 10782 Registered: 5-2001 |
Having been through this with my Mother and Father-in- Law I was worried that your Mom was in denial. The fact that she has broken out the good stuff means she probably isn't. I think she knows she may very well be in the last chucker as we polo players say and is enjoying every minute she can while she is still feeling pretty well. I don't know how, but most people somehow make peace with themselves when faced with what your Mom is going through. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6794 Registered: 5-2001 |
Aetna stopped paying claims & my mother is going nuts. I finally intervened. The problem seems to be that she went over the number of referral appointments allowed for her oncologist. Who knew there was a limit on oncology appointments? At least the Aetna person was nice about it. Now I just have to call the PCP on Monday and say "remember that patient from a year ago......"? Bob - last night, I'm watching Jeopardy! and one of the questions is something along the lines of "in what sport do the players wear a chukka hat"? I was losing my mind trying to remember where I had just heard that reference. As the buzzer sounded, it dawned on me: Bob! Polo! I have a vision of you & your chums galloping across Maplecrest Park on your ponies, chasing a fox. Don't ask me why Maplecrest. It just popped into my head. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6799 Registered: 5-2001 |
Today is one year. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2384 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yikes. From the diagnosis, or ??? | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 646 Registered: 10-2003 |
Hang in there Greenie and Cynicalgirl...good thoughts, prayers, vibes continue to flow for you and your families... B | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6801 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thanks. One year since diagnosis. Her last cigarette was one year ago today at 3:15p. I called her to say "congrats" on her anniversary of quitting. Friends are coming over & bringing take-out for dinner. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2385 Registered: 9-2003 |
Well, that's quite an anniversary. I went back to the first archive here, and, well, er...we've come a long way, baby, a long way yet to go. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2388 Registered: 9-2003 |
Mini rant, with an opportunity for a good deed. Seeing as it's STILL WINTER and I can't satisfy my urge to dig in the dirt, I decided to apply myself to a seriously needful inside task: cleaning the big closet in the "computer room" which also houses my off season clothes and Curt's main clothes. Our upstairs bedroom closet is a peanut. Anyway, closet is a mess and he can't see wearable from not. Well... I now have a pile in the center of the floor representing a short chubby man's work etc. wardrobe from a 5'7" 42" waist person to a 5'7" 28" waist person. I'm talking tons of clothes that will NEVER be worn again. There's original Curt, as of Dec 2004. That's the 42"s. Then there's the when-we-thought-he'd-go-back-to work clothes from April 2005. That's the 36"s. Then there's the it-can't-go-lower-than-this 32"s. I figure I'll keep those. And then there's today's Men's small/boy's XL 28"s. So depressing. I've been reading Max Tivoli, and in weird ways that's what things feel like. My husband, my beloved, formerly strong fireplug looks like golum. Or Mary Kate and Ashley's AIDs-ridden grandfather. I'M ANGRY!!! I'm a large, overweight woman with a husband the size of her 12 year old. Anyway...I'm not kidding. If one of you is game, or knows someone who is, to pick up these men's clothes -- some unworn with Landsend tags still on -- I will put aside in trash bags. But I'm so angry I will wastefully put them out to the trash if someone doesn't offer. I am not interested in a complete listing of the surrounding area's charities. And no, he will never wear most of this ever again. ARGH!!!!! | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 7057 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cynicalgirl: I remember right after his heart attack my husband's weight was down to 135 pounds. He looked like a very recently released concentration camp survivor. With his limited activity and his diabetes, we thought he would never gain weight again but here it is going on seven years and he has gained over 30 pounds. Curt's weight should go up too, once his body recovers from the trauma it has suffered. There are a number of organizations such as the Vietnam Veterans that will pick up the never to be warn again clothes, if that's the route you want to take. Another possibility is to donate the clothes to one of the churches in town that hold an annual rummage sale. Either way, the clothes will be going to a good cause and to people who really need them. | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2015 Registered: 5-2001 |
Joan, I know you mean and meant well, but reading Cynicalgirl's post didn't leave me to believe she wanted to hear about why she should hold onto the clothes or why she should donate them to a worthy cause. She was venting. I did give her VVA number should she want to put the trash bags on her front porch instead of in the trash bins but I think when Curt gains back weight, she and he will gladly spend the extra money to purchase new clothes. That's what I read. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2389 Registered: 9-2003 |
You're both really kind -- and interestingly, both came up with the Vets. As it happens, I felt better after I cleaned the closed and put the good stuff though too big forever in the basement, awaiting a plan. These things he will never wear again. The middling stuff -- the hopeful clothes, if you will -- are at the top of the closet. I thank you both for listening and following up. I really was beside myself. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6813 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn- are you having a better week? Just thought I'd check in. There seems to something weird in the air. All the MOLers with a sense of humor are AWOL.... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2408 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, so far! Thanks for asking. I think it's the winter doldrums in part (humorlessness). | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 2993 Registered: 5-2005  |
Greenie read in SO section SHU fly where SteveF posts I laughed so hard I was in tears! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2209 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hi Everyone - I have been glaringly absent, I know, but I have tried to at least scan and catch up. I just spent a 2 1/2 day quickie with my brother and sister-in-law and my nieces - who were born very prematurely four weeks after my Dad died. The girls looked GREAT. I am so much more confident and calm now that I've spent time with them. Their names are Maya and Olivia - and they were born at 27 1/2 weeks gestation Maya is still not feeding/digesting the way they would like her too, so that part is progressing slowly, but she is now getting big enough ( 1400 grams - over 3 pounds) to maintain her body temperature for some time when swaddled. So she gets a break from the heated isolette, and she gets to wear clothes! I brought a bunch of preemie clothes from FL, and on Saturday she got to wear her very first shirt! She is still quite small, but not at all preemie looking - just a miniature version of a newborn baby. Right now they are doing a sepsis workup, but so far everything is negative. Olivia has more of a preemie look to her, still. She is skinnier and has a longer face, but she is eating like a champ, pooping at every diaper change, and really strong. She is always squirming all over her isolette and thrashing her arms and legs and doing that cute startle reflex. It looks like she's trying to roll over. I had a really nice time visiting everyone. My cousins from Vermont came down to visit, too. My other cousin hosted the nicest dinner for all of us, so we really got to have a real family get-together. One weird, sad thing happened, though. I was helping my cousin get all the food out to the table, and then went to the living room to call everyone to the table. As I turned the corner and heard everyone talking and laughing in the next room I, just for a split second, scanned the room looking for my Dad expecting and wanting to see him there. It really knocked the wind out of me. I've heard of that happening to people, of having a moment where you forget the person is gone, but I never experienced it before. Anyway, I am back and really will try to keep in touch better. Life has been a bit overwhelming for the last few months, but I think I am starting to emerge from that. Hope all are well. Love, Debby | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6824 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby - glad to hear that you are doing well (sounds like you are, even if it doesn't feel that way). You take me back: my niece & nephew were preemies and so tiny! I have a pic of the two of them in one crib, after they came home. Now they are nice & plump! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3046 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby - good to hear from you.. Our nephew was born at 26 weeks. 2lbs.10oz. He was a fighter though. At three, he's still not what I'd call plump, but he's a real pistol! | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 7072 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby: For quite some time after my father died, I could still feel him sitting at his desk whenever I visited my parents' (by then just my mother's) apartment. I found it very comforting to know his presence was so near. Seems as if your father is also staying close to home, which is a comfort and a blessing IMO. Premies are becoming more and more common these days. I have a wonderful pair of twins - grand niece and grand nephew who were born prematurely. You would never know it to look at them now. | ||
| Pizzaz Supporter Username: Pizzaz Post Number: 3232 Registered: 11-2001  |
Life is miraculous.. no one could disagree.  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2413 Registered: 9-2003 |
I still "see" my Dad from time to time, in certain settings. It's been about 9 years. I was very, very close to him and mostly see him at holiday times, or times of great stress. Gets less surprising over time, and feels like a good thing. Good to hear about those babies!!! Nice names, too. Welcome back, Debby. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 670 Registered: 10-2003 |
Debby-I have been wondering about you....am glad that you are back and that the babies are well... I think that those moments that we have when we think we will see, hear be with our Dads or whoever we have lost are actually little gifts to us. Even though they take you be surprise, for me anyway, I always felt like it was a message from my Dad-just a little reminder to me that he was still with me. I still have those moments (and he has been gone for 34 years)- This is all so new for you and I hope that time will bring you to a quiet place inside that will give you comfort in your grief. BGS | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2415 Registered: 9-2003 |
Went to the onco today for routine update/labs. Okey-doke. Next appointment in a month. Another round of CATs and PET in two months. Permission to go down a crank on Fentanyl to 25, so expect a week of Mr. Drug Withdrawl with Sweats etc. Curt said to look quite good, albeit skinny. Hopin' a bunch that getting off the Fentanyl will (1) make him less sleep, (2) have a positve effect on weight, and (3) get rid of the sleeping twitches etc. All of which would make him able to drive, have more of a life. Cross yer fingahs. Everything I read on Fentanyl (not the official site, but fellow travellers) points to weight loss associations. The guy eats, but it don't stick! Anyway, that's my weekend update. We just ate chicken coconut curry made with this loverly prepared sauce I bought in King's, Basmati rice, and cantaloup. YUM! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1104 Registered: 10-2003 |
Great news, Cyn! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2210 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thank you all for the welcome back, and for your kind words. BGS - you brought tears to my eyes. You're right, this is still very new for me. Thank you. So it's not just me, then? I'm not crazy walking around seeing dead people like some fat 40 year old Haley Joel Osment? Greene - how little were your twins? The girls were 1 lb 11 oz, and 2 lb 3 oz respectively. Now, a month later, 2 lb. 6 oz and 3 lbs 5 oz. When we were there the NICU had baby come in born at 390 grams (12 oz., I believe). Born at 24 weeks gestation - so frightening. Cyn - continued good news about Curt! Good luck with the Fentanyl reduction. BTW - you mentioned PET scans, and coincidentally I had been doing some research. What do you think about nuclear medicine as a career (for me, not for you)? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6833 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debbie - I honestly don't remember how small they were. I remember that they were one week short of the minimum gestation they were hoping for. My nephew was on a breathing machine for a few weeks. My s-i-l's water broke (the girl) & she was in the hospital for a week while they tried to keep them cooking. She was bed-ridden on drugs to stop labor. Nasty stuff. But they are naughty as all hell now. I talked to my mom last night & she doesn't sound great. Kind of defeated. She is more forgetful and is stressed about "supporting herself". I keep reminding her that she has her Social Security now and that she should be proud that she has kids who can help her. She is back to that old refrain of "I don't want my kids to support me". I am not sure if it is pride, or depression with the realization that she probably can't work anymore or a combination of both. At 11a this morning, she sounded wiped out. I talked to Super K, who confirmed my suspicion that she is getting weaker. She is supposed to have chemo tomorrow. Poptart Guy is there with her. It won't do me any good to ask him how she is, because he only sees "fine". Now, before I say this, I have to ask the following: please don't anyone say anything like "you've done so much, you are such a good daugter, etc." It's usually supportive and affirming to hear, but, at this point in time, it would annoy the hell out of me. I know I'm good, strong, all that. Just having a moment. I was thinking about Mem's question about karma. In a way, I hope that there isn't. Because I can't feel anything but that things are inevitable. And, for a fleeting moment this evening, while out shoveling snow, I thought that this is my fault; I've given up on her, so why wouldn't she give up on herself. I'm not strong enough for both of us. There. I got that out. Resist the temptation, please... Debby - kind of funny story about feeling the presence of a loved one. I was 16 when my grandfather died. We were very close. He was too young (62) and had colon cancer. So, it was 6 months of watching him deteriorate. Everyone went back to our house after the funeral. I was up in my room with my best friend, doing what any 16 y/o in mourning did in 1977: smoking a joint. As we lit up, I felt like he was in the room with me. So, I put it out. I felt his presence so strongly for several months after that it kept me from doing quite a few things that I normally would have been doing. Nuclear medicine is probably a great career move. Do you have the energy to do med school? I had a good friend who went to med school at the age of 35, with 3 kids. It was more work than she ever could have imagined, but it was her dream. In fact, she took all her college science courses over again (it had been too long) so that she could get accepted. But, she never regretted it. If you want it, go for it. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2211 Registered: 5-2001 |
Your sense that this is your fault because of something you've said or thought is what they call "magical thinking", and I am guilty of it myself - you see, I bought a twin stroller the day before SIL's water broke...so clearly I brought this whole thing on. My theory is that blaming ourselves for the bad things we don't cause is really anger that we're powerless to prevent it all. Sorry if that's too much psycho-babble at this juncture. Hope things feel a little lighter tomorrow. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2416 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, if you want to do it, you should/must. Seems to be a lot of demand for it. Being practical, I'd say research projected demands for gigs in it, just to fire yourself up. But don't for a minute think "oh, I'm too old, the kids..." Wasn't precisely in the same place as you but went back to school part time for 7 years to do prereqs and mba. Not a walk in the park, but worth it in every way. Started right before marrying Curt, had the kid during. Took a break, finally finished at 45. Never too late. Great for my head, too. Yeah, I've been a magical thinker here and elsewhere. And, maybe like Greenetree, grew up feeling over responsibility for various things. Ditto on lighter today wish. Me, I fear posting remotely happy stuff for fear you'll all watch me later when it goes the other way. Fear that you're all clucking and going "oh, oh, how's she gonna feel when he starts dying again." Like if I don't acknowlege momentary happiness/indulge in hope, no one will see my despair later. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1105 Registered: 10-2003 |
On the guilt front/seeing dead people: My mom was in the hospital for the last 18.5 months of her life. Pretty much a vegetable (at least in everyone else's eyes - I knew better). I was 18. I once got my paws on some trashy gossip magazine and read it to her, thought I got a response, so I kept buying them to read to her. A beloved family friend reminded me how much my mother loved to read - why wouldn't I read her something of substance? I don't know why. I hadn't thought of it. Truth is, I was only 18, I never read anything of substance myself. But that doesn't matter. To this day I feel remorse over having wasted precious weeks reading drek, then having wasted precious months lying against her reading beautiful prose, but not with enough voice intonation. Guilt is huge. But it is power. When my mom was sick I was a kid - what could I do? I can blame this tiny something that I could have controlled 'if only' I'd been smarter, older, more sensitive, whatever. I don't think you can see your with clarity until much later. At the moment, your brain just gets you through the day. Debby, if you can, enjoy seeing your dad. You're really lucky you do. In the years since my ema died I've only 'expected' her twice, and to this day I swear she once said something to me when I was 21 (as I was about to swallow an awful lot of pills) (scared me to death) (I didn't). I cherish each of those memories, and of course, truly believe it really was her and that she is still waiting for me (as opposed to my other sisters). He'll be there for you Debby, when and where you need him, and for as long as you do. I can assure you. Greenetree and Cyn: I've got nothing dark today. Sorry. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 7077 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: Isn't it wonderful to feel so empowered that we can determine by our own sheer will whether a loved one will survive a critical illness? Unfortunately, none of us has that kind of control over others. The final decision of how your mother reacts to this latest setback in her illness rests with your mother, not with you but it is up to you to come to grips with her decision. Sorry, but that is the way things are. So, if it makes you happy to feel guilty then by all means enjoy your mountain of mounting guilt but at sometime you need to realize that you just are not responsible for your mother's illness or her decisions regarding her treatment of it. Once you come to realize this, I hope you will be at better peace with yourself and better able to give your mother the kind of support she asks you to give her. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6844 Registered: 5-2001 |
Gee, Joan.... when I said "no sunny platitudes" I wasn't thinking that anyone would go so far the other way. It was a moment, fergodssake. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2425 Registered: 9-2003 |
Stand by for kind of a dumb post, but so what! I am heavily engaged in household projects as I await Spring, when I can dig in the dirt, use the hedge trimmer (yes, I like power tools) and hopefull put a crap load of stuff out for a bulk pick up. Last weekend, cleaned the worst closet in the house. This weekend, I do the pink bathroom closet and the hall closet. Tres gratifying. As some who saw my post in Home Fixit noted, I'm examining the in's and out's of DYI window replacement on a couple of key windows very needful of same. And, I just made The Wonderful Spaghetti sauce (what my family calls it). After all of these years, I've learned that the most satisfying sauce to me and to them (and a lot like a Centanni experience (sp escapes me right now) is the 30 minute sauce in JOC. High quality canned, organic Italian tomatoes, some herbs, etc. Very fresh tasting. With grated (the big holes on the grater) fresh cheese, decent quality pasta al denta and some Valopolocelli or Chianti, LIFE IS GOOD!! Today, I'll make some breaded, sauteed chicken breasts with it. And tonight, I command the big TV to watch the Oscars. We're all into it because (1) for a change I've seen some of the movies, though not Brokeback, (2) Jon Stewart is hosting, and (3) I dunno. Curt can sit in the recliner and laugh at Jon (in between Fentanyl come down twitches). Kid is into it. And so, thus far it looks like a good day. HD tip for all you listeners: I have found that if you go in early (and I am an early riser) you can get extensive help/advice from very personable, knowlegable people there. A Will Smith look alike in Replacement Windows was very helpful and cute, and the lady in Houseplants was very good on ferns. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 7085 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: Are you over that moment now? If so, my above post did its job. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6886 Registered: 5-2001 |
Heading to OH for a days. Mom told GMF off again on Monday, so this should be interesting. I am taking GMF out for dinner tomorrow and told mom that she's not allowed to come with us. But why not? Because you can't control yourself and I have to be there. Mom is doing really well. Driving, business calls, etc. She gets another CAT week after next. In a new and bizarre twist, Baby Bro has stepped to the plate (we are very proud) and is going to take her to the doctor for the results. Normal Bro asked me if I think that Baby will remember a word that the docs says. Probably not. But I'll call the doc and ask him myself. We agree that if the results are not good, Baby will pass out and mom will be able to keep herself busy taking care of him. She likes to have things to keep her mind off of everything. Oh - she told me to F---myself the other day when I said that she had equilibrium issues because she's old, not because she's sick. That's always a good sign. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1886 Registered: 8-2003  |
glad to hear she is doing well. have a great weekend with her! Hope it's springlike in OH | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 3093 Registered: 5-2005 |
Enjoy your weekend together and no matter what your love and sense of humor is getting you through this. I really can't wait to read your book! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1209 Registered: 10-2003 |
Greenetree, is Ohio famous for anything? I've been thinking it might be nice if you brought me back a _______ from Ohio, but I can't seem to figure out what they're known for. Have a safe trip. |
