| Author | Message | ||
     Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1873 Registered: 8-2003  |
using it will continue to be a cinch congrats on your first new CC purchase! I hope the decorator loves it! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3066 Registered: 9-2003 |
 YEA FOR LAS!! | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5844 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las, I would like to see the yoga outfit - are we on for Thurs night? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1183 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thursday, absolutely, Mem. Will pick you up at 7:30. | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 1365 Registered: 10-2002  |
Yeah Las!! | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 1366 Registered: 10-2002 |
 | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1184 Registered: 10-2003 |
I know that card! | ||
| ajc Citizen Username: Ajc Post Number: 4834 Registered: 9-2001  |
"I've never done anything like this before. But I had to send this card back." Good for you Las, her words were useless, your words were not... What do they say, "You've come along way baby!"  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1186 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thank you very much, Art. See you and L at my party. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 700 Registered: 10-2003 |
las- I need to say this to you...the emails belong in the pile of things that need to go...if you are house cleaning get rid of the damn things...they are worthless...they do not serve one bit of good to you now...those words that him wrote no longer ring true...Stop beating yourself up!!! You are too good for that!!! B | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1187 Registered: 10-2003 |
Of course the emails should be chucked, B! I know that. I really don't need them anymore since my attorney has everything anyway (proof of his support of my education, promises I can keep the house, etc. as well documentation of my editing and brainstorming with him for fourteen friggin years of my life). Yes, I can delete them all. But how fun would that be? ... Last night I wrote: My shrink says I should be a writer. I want to be a writer for no other reason than to be a successful writer while he is not. Today I received an email from an old friend asking if I wanted some freelance writing work. I had to decline since I'm taking six credits, but it's gotten me thinking... I am doing well and moving forward, so what's to stop me from living my life solely for the purpose of screwing him? (Because somehow if I do well, he is screwed - OH MY GOD!!!! I get it! People have been saying living well is the best revenge - it's almost a year but I get it now! WOW! WOW! Good lord, I would say, how does my success show him? Meanwhile, I have no pictures on the walls to show him. I GET IT!!!! This is too exciting to close the parentheses! I thought I'd be screwing him by taking our marital bed (it was only a year old) and that having sex with lots of men in our bed would make him feel so low. At this moment I know there's no connection. There's an ad for Justin Fried the dentist atop my screen. My last appointment was for a cleaning last March on a Saturday. I was sick, so Sam took the appointment. I haven't gone back. HAH! I'm calling Justin now to have great teeth for my party. I SO get it! See what you did, B? Imagine if I actually followed your advice?... | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 705 Registered: 10-2003 |
YEA!!!!! So, not only am I a good head- hunter...but on occasion, a good head-fixer!!! You gotta love it!!! Cheers to you las...while I am making dinner tonight I am going to toast you! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1188 Registered: 10-2003 |
Great idea - this way I won't feel like I'm drinking alone. Virtually speaking. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1878 Registered: 8-2003 |
 | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3068 Registered: 9-2003 |
Las - BGS ALWAYS, ALWAYS gives good advice. She's the best. I lift my glass to both of you! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1218 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oh, dear. I am up. I didn't think I was thinking because I got to bed and my Sydney cat was there and as far as I recall I got lost in her purrs but the next thing I knew I was remembering NPR's Joe Frank Show from last Sunday night and contemplating how fast the week went because it seems like I just heard that show two days ago, and the next thing I was contemplating whether I should add two more pillows to my bed for a total of five instead of the three I have there now, then I was trying to decide which pair of pillows I would use if I could even tell the difference, and then if I put the extra two pillows on would I get stimulated amongst the options of chosing a pillow or sleep better and before I knew it I was in the cat's bedroom reading my journal from March 1989 detailing the day my ema died and the next thing I knew it was two years ago this month and I was saving him's life. And now I am up. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb! - Not the up part, the part about saving his life. If I hadn't reminded the nurse he was allergic to penicillan, she would have just administered it, I could have pretended not to notice he wasn't breathing, I'd still be in my home, I'd have money in the bank and I'd still be a widow. I should never have made him go to the hospital. You could have walking pneumonia and that could be fatal - from the book of Things I Will Never Ever Say Again to Anyone As Long As I Live. So I really wasn't trying to think I thought I was en route to sleep, but here I am and even the cats won't budge.  | ||
| Monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 2426 Registered: 7-2002  |
damn, we really need to get you Screwed, Blued, & Tattooed err, make that Lubed, Screwed, and Henna'ed around the world     | ||
| bloo Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 5120 Registered: 2-2003  |
monster do you ever sleep? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1219 Registered: 10-2003 |
Monster thinks I should get Screwed, Blued, & Tattooed as well as Lubed, Screwed, and Henna'ed . I just got back from a run with a girlfriend and am now heading out to Pen & Jens. What is wrong with this picture? | ||
| bloo Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 5129 Registered: 2-2003 |
the fact that i wasn't there!!! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1231 Registered: 10-2003 |
Last night about midnight I headed to bed and thoughts had connected to one thing or another and before I knew it two am had arrived so I got out of bed and came down to do homework but who was I fooling, I went back to bed. And traced backwards the thoughts that kept me awake in the hopes I could start over again: Who the hell needs a 500-count bottle of Shop-Rite brand acetaminophen? But that's what him purchased at least once a year and that's what I had by my side the day after he left when I curled on the sofa in pain from my breakthrough period with the heating pad on my tummy and the TiVo remote in my hand deleting the shows on his recording schedule so when he came back in just a couple of days he'd realized how pissed off I was. The doctor said breakthroughs can result from stress. Apparently him running away on my birthday was stressful. And I wasn't taking pain killers and wasn't taking stuff that would put me to sleep and numb my mind because those were upstairs and I was downstairs and by staying in pain on the sofa with cats he would come home and feel really bad. One year later the pain started again, but one teeny period one time a year is galaxies better than twelve. And I didn't know this was going to happen because it happens so rarely, and I thought since I have been losing weight my bra got big so my breasts got sore from lack of support; and I thought the endo was growing again and that's why with each step for the past few days has made me believe my left ovary'd explode; and I assumed I have been so near to tears because people always say the wrong things, and further I thought that my two day headache was because the weather got warm. And wouldn't you know the backtracking helped - or there's a chance it might have been the wine tasting I did to determine if red wine or white wine is better to drink after brushing my teeth (white wine). I came back to now and breathed with my cat who was purring her her heart out for me and when I woke up a few hours later I'd had an anxiety dream wherein I was heading to class and had to race home because I forgot to write a paper. In the dream it turned out I had no class that week. But today in real life I do have a paper to write and instead of researching and writing and reading and being a diligent student I went out this morning purchase a new garbage pail for the kitchen. And before heading home with the new garbage pail I stopped at the diner to get my brunch and my dinner (knowing I'd be too much on a roll to interrupt my studies) but it turns out Lynn did a very bad thing and now I am paying the price: I ate both my brunch and dinner at the same time and now I want to nap. I used to be able to do most of my homework at my job during the day, but since my husband left me I seem to have to work at work and living alone with seventy cats it seems four times a day I am scooping the boxes and picking up dust balls and fur balls and such and I just don't have a moment to spare to finish the work for school. I will nap, then I will do homework. And I won't start tonight's drinking experiment until I've made headway. | ||
| doctoralissa Citizen Username: Doctoralissa Post Number: 178 Registered: 1-2004 |
Time for some purification. We're going for a run this week. Tuesday after work may work for me. I'll check my sched and get back to you. If you're in pain we can walk. AGC | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1236 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, Dr. A. I emailed you my schedule. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1238 Registered: 10-2003 |
Today I said something for the first time ever when someone asked when I will finish school: May. I won't be graduating in May but I will be finished. Maybe not forever and maybe not for long but for now. Kind of makes it difficult to stay motivated enough to get through the term knowing I won't be graduating. What a fukking shame. I wonder if he screwed up his own life up as much as he did mine? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1240 Registered: 10-2003 |
Being slow on the uptake or intake or some take it finally dawned on me last night - as dumb as it sounds and as thick as I seem - he left me on my birthday. Not March 29. Not March 31. Not in April nor on his own birthday. On my birthday. No matter how I heal or where I go or what I leave behind that fact will always remain. He left me on my birthday. How on earth could I ever forget it? -----[Last Year's] Original Message----- Sent: Monday, March 14, 2005 11:41 AM L: Would you like to go to the orchid show on Sunday? S: I would like that. ------------------------------- And so we drove to the Bronx that rainy Sunday and attended the orchid show and stopped for coffees and split a snack and I purchased a magnet for the fridge. When he left two weeks later and we met in therapy he reprimanded me for walking ahead. I still have the magnet. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1912 Registered: 8-2003 |
the magnet sounds like the most valuable take-away from that day what a jerk | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1241 Registered: 10-2003 |
It was. We were going to stop at the Short Hills mall en route home because he needed new (smaller!) pants, but his mood was so horrible I didn't want to go. I was going to wait until we got closer to home to announce I had changed my mind and to please drop me off. Then he assumed, 'If you don't want to go to the mall I can drop you off at home.' 'I never said I didn't want to go to the mall.' So we went to the mall. He got lots of clothing that he left home without. If I'd have been smarter back then I would have exchanged it all for womens' clothes. I just stuffed it in shopping bags and duffle bags with the rest of his crap that he picked up a couple of weeks after he left. He wanted it sooner but I just couldn't do it. | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1101 Registered: 5-2003 |
I know you don't believe it now, but by leaving, he actually did you a favor. If he had stayed around you would have been his nursemaid for the rest of your life (or his). Now you can spend your energies taking care of las, who is a very good person and not dumb at all, and some day you will find someone who will take care of you while you take care of him. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1242 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, L. I am taking care of las. I do everything I want to do and very little that I don't. But I still feel a bit in purgatory, still trying to figure out where I belong. I don't feel permanence. I know that will come. The orchid magnet clings to my freezer door not doing anything but existing. For some dumb, ritualistic, I'll-show-him reason I can't use it to hold to hold something in place. It just hangs there. I guess it's in purgatory as well. I do know that place is not for good, just for now.  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1256 Registered: 10-2003 |
3.30.04 Dear Lynn. Happy 36th Birthday. I hope this day feels as special to you, as you are to me. I know no matter where life's journey takes us, it will take us together. That's when we are the best - together. I love you forever and always. Love, Samuel I just culled his cards and love notes and memos and stickies and postcards and floral cards and even some photos and did my best not to read a thing but I peeked in each envelope for the birthday cards and I laid them out one next to the other in date order and found I am missing five birthday wishes. And I wasn't going to read them but of course I read them and my mouth is dry because I have cried so much at the beautiful, empty words that he wrote. He was a liar. I don't know what changed between 2004 and 2005, but apparently it was enough to have nullified all of his loving words from prior years. While I was sorting one of my seven hundred cats took a stinky dump so I scooped the boxes and brought the clumps downstairs in a bag held in my right hand and his hollow words stuffed in a bag held in my right hand as well and that was one of those things I do on purpose and I do know to an extent I am not showing him anything, but there's a part of me that knows somewhere in the universe by holding those two bags so close I was being disrespectful. And that is what I wanted. So I've packed up his words and I'll bring them to work and I'll mail them to him from the office. Things are more impersonal at the office and that's another thing I am doing of which I am aware it really has no value to anyone other than me. I don't like to admit that but I'm not so dumb that I don't know my silly, spiteful acts have no relevance to him. But the one thing that has significance and will make an impact is mailing theses cards and letters back to him. I just have to. If for no other reason than to make him roll his eyes at the inconvenience of having to open the package to learn its contents. And seeing all the birthday cards on top to remind him he ran away from home on my birthday of all possible days and that my birthday is coming up and it's been almost a year and he has never even offered an apology! I miss having someone to love. It hurts more than anything. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1257 Registered: 10-2003 |
Here I am at my desk with the Whole Foods bag of meaningless words and broken promises and pictures that were just a facade of a man and an envelope that I can't seem to stuff. I am sitting here waiting. I went through the cards again and found another birthday wish, leaving me with four missing. Five if you count last year. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1258 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oh, this is classic. He was obsessed with a website called HungryGirl.com (shocking I know) and received daily emails from them and would forward 'relevant' ones to me: -------------------------------------------------- From: Sam Sent: Wednesday, March 16, 2005 10:18 AM To: Lynn Subject: fyi CHEW ON THIS: Today, March 16th, is National Artichoke Heart Day. A medium artichoke has just 25 calories, no fat and 2g of fiber. Steam one & dip it in salsa! ------------------------------------------------- Now that I don't have someone monitoring my diet and exercise I'm running and losing weight. Go figure. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1926 Registered: 8-2003 |
"I miss having someone to love. It hurts more than anything." right now, the most important person you have to love is las. the rest will come. I promise. glad you are cleaning house. It's very cathartic. And less for you to rummage through in the future | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1259 Registered: 10-2003 |
Speaking of cleaning house: last week my decorator (while lugging the new three-tiered climbing post upstairs to the Feline Parlor (photos tk)) announced he believes he is allergic to my cats. Allergic to my cats! As if! | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5884 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las, When you held those two bags together, you should have stuffed one into the other and there's that taken care of. By the way, you cannot be in purgatory, I read somewhere that the catholic church got rid of it, just like they canned limbo many years ago. In case you don't know, limbo was a place where they sent all the people who died not being baptized a catholic, for eternity. It was a pleasant enough place, but you never got to see god or your catholic friends if you had to go there. It's the reason I stopped believing in religion: I was in 1st grade catholic school and they were shoveling this drivel down our throats, I got very upset with this nun teaching this nonsense because my best friend was jewish and I wanted to know why her and I couldn't be together in heaven. It was a big uproar. Sadly, I went home that day and said bye bye religion. You can do this too. Say bye bye Sam. Out with the cat poop. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1412 Registered: 11-2001 |
I think the most appropriate place for those letters and cards would be right in the bag of cat excrement. THAT is exactly where they belong. You now have you to love, and can't you see, you have all these wonderful supportive friends, too. Not to mention a hot pair o'shoes. NEXT!!!!!!!! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1260 Registered: 10-2003 |
Mem, technically, as a Jew, I know I am not going anywhere, but I do feel a bit disconnected sometimes. Ess, I'm working on the shoe photo. Might have to post for help. Stuffed the envelope, sealed it, gave it to the mail person with a load of stamps. Put a note in there: Birthday wishes on top so you don't forget this year! I am craving a drink. I really don't drink as much as I joke I do, but the past two weeks I have literally been wanting a drink so much of the time. I'm not sleeping much, so maybe I'll try going for a run first thing to quell the thirst until at least lunch. Three times this week I came in and asked my friend to take me to lunch (read:let's get a drink). This has never happened before and I'm not sure if I should start taking something for anxiety instead. Before I take a pill I run. And I'll try to keep the drinks to wine. At night. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6914 Registered: 5-2001  |
Um, bad habit to get into. Life shits sometimes (as you well know). Without realizing it, you could end up turning to Mother's Little Helper for any rough spot. Not the kind of crutch you want to start needing. Remember how badly Valley of the Dolls ended?  I'm a firm believer in assiduously avoiding alteration materials in times of crisis/depression, whatever. It just delays the pain, anyway. It's not like you can stay stoned until it passes. Running is a much better idea. Raises endorphins or whatever. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1262 Registered: 10-2003 |
I meant to say "Before I take a pill I WILL run." That's my plan. The plan is to see if I can get out of bed early enough to go for a quick run in the morning in an effort to keep my mood okay without having to take a pill to calm my insides. | ||
| WendyP Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3271 Registered: 12-2004  |
Sounds like a very sensible plan, and yet another installment in the story where las takes care of herself. It's good that you are aware that the urge to drink could become problematic and important that you stay on top of it. Here are my thoughts on the whole birthday card/cat poop situation: You should have put the poop and all of the notes, cards and letters in the same bag, then another bag, then a box, and mailed it all to him. That way he would know exactly how you're feeling! |
