| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1263 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oddly, there is a large part of me that believes my cats' feces are too good to waste on him. Speaking of my cats, I just had lunch with my decorator. Three conversation vignettes: No. 1: Decorator: So, have you told any of your friends about what we do? L: Friends? Please. No. 2: D: What are your plans for your birthday? L: Getting together with some friends. No. 3: L: You going to bring an inhaler tonight for your "allergies"? D: You going to vaccum? | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5886 Registered: 5-2001  |
More importantly, did you have a drink at lunch? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1265 Registered: 10-2003 |
I had one drink, no lunch. I have at most one drink, three or four times a week - not even every day. But this anxiety hits and it is so invasive I want to quash it immediately and I'd rather do it with a drink than a pill. That's why I canceled yoga, Mem. I'm going for a run instead. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1267 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks to the diagnostic evaluations of my two dear friends on our ride home last evening, it has come to my attention that I suffer from a disorder that has affected me both physically as well as emotionally. This disease, called Pre-/Peri-/Post- Menstrual Syndrome (aka PMS) is apparently quite common among women and has been known to coincide with the arrival of one's period. Even breathrough bleeding. That's lasts two mornings. I am ALWAYS the last to know. That said, (a) I do not have a drinking problem so I am going to continue to talk about alcohol as if my life were a party; (b) Knowing I have been suffering from this raging hormonal imbalance the past few days puts me in a place where I can assert: I am glad I got rid of those frikking cards. And you know what? From the first love letter he gave me, he wrote he was scared, didn't think his career was going anywhere and would try not to project thoughts of his mother on to me. I, having been dating and meeting more men than I could handle and so ready to settle down, was utterly in love with him (he was the one) and wanted to nurture this aching soul (my mom had just died - I had no one to care for). (An excerpt from the best-selling book: Fukk-ups You Only Make Fourteen Consecutive Years in Your Life But Won't Repeat Again.); and (c) I want the world to know that I wasn't the least bit humiliated last night when I was flossing my teeth, while talking to my Ernie cat, wearing my yoga outfit and my birthday heels (for practice) and the decorator (about forty minutes early) appeared outside the bathroom inquiring, 'Who are you talking to?' and 'Did you know you've got a piece of string hanging from your lip?'  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1276 Registered: 10-2003 |
I can't begin to imagine how I got so lucky or why they have chosen me, but I know the nicest people. I am so rich. | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2101 Registered: 5-2001 |
And now you owe interest and/or taxes on that wealth. Pay up. (or to be totally saccharine, pay it forward) | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1281 Registered: 10-2003 |
So I'm having this party and invited the world, except for a former neighbor, the one whose little girl I was just so close with while her mother was sick and then died. Throughout the years I always reached out because they were dealing with crisis and I never kept score or track of things just made lots of offers and extended my heart so they'd know I was there for them always. Then after him left and I lost my house I couldn't go back on that street, and not living there or seeing them daily the space between us grew more and more vast and the calls that I used to follow up with a visit have never once been returned and the last time I saw them way back in September I felt like I was intruding. I don't blame the kids, it's their job to move on, but the father never once reached back. And in this year of very odd things I haven't been able to make sure we're connected I just haven't had the strength. I saw him last night and choked up in his presence (he represents the life that I lost) and I candidly asked him, Are you mad at me? He said, No, what makes you ask that? Because you've never returned any of my calls or made an effort to see me or keep the girls in touch. We've been really crazy. For an entire year? It's been a crazy year. For me, too, I stated incredulously, not fathoming that his year could possibly have been tougher than mine or that there was not a minute in the last year when he could have returned a phone call. And that was it. I had been thinking of him for the past few days, thinking of inviting him to my party, after all we're both widowed and we used to be friends and why not be social together. In my mind I envisioned we would remain friends after I left and I'd still have his girls in my life, but the times have changed, I can't give all I have I need something in return. I'm certainly not saying I gave so he owes me, but it would have been nice if he realized I also lost my beloved and made an attempt to reach out to me. And maybe recognized the important role I had in his youngest daughter's life and that it hasn't been easy losing her. So I decided not to invite him to my party; he really isn't my friend, after all. | ||
| WendyP Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3302 Registered: 12-2004  |
It's unfortunate, but you're right, he really isn't your friend. I'm sorry. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2492 Registered: 9-2003  |
Sounds like a smart move, not inviting him. He may have a bunch of reasons in his own head for not staying in touch/returning calls. Any chance he's friends with your former SO? Or maybe he doesn't want to be reminded of the past, or similar. None of the them make him a friend candidate at all, but he may be only good these days as a "taker" and not a giver. His loss. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1282 Registered: 10-2003 |
We were friends. We could have really helped one another. When I had everything it was so easy to take the girls, or do, or offer. But it's not like that now. It really hurts that he allowed his girls to lose me. Espcially that younger one. And I'm sure he didn't make a conscious decision to get Lynn out of their lives, but that's what happened. When I was going through him's cards the other night I came across a box of everything those girls wrote me or made me, as well as some notes from their mom. I'm saving it all to give them when they get older. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 4170 Registered: 5-2001 |
Awww, Lynn. I disagree. Invite him. I know you've been through hell, but having lost your mom you know first hand how hard that is. I would put the invitation out there. You don't know what's been going on in their lives. They might not know how hard the year has been for you. Some people get divorced without complications, my brother for one! I cried more than he did. Send a little note, say it was nice seeing him and you're thinking about the girls. You're in a different place now, you don't need to put yourself out 100% to their family but you don't have to shut the door either. With a different perspective (not "I give, they receive") it's possible you can have a relationship with them. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1283 Registered: 10-2003 |
VIG, you couldn't just agree with the others?  It is so true that emotions cloud your judgment. I can't look at this man without choking up; I can't speak to him without crying. When I see him, I guess I'm not just upset that he hasn't made the effort to keep us connected, but upset that my husband broke his promise that I would never have to leave the girls, that I lost my house, that my husband left in the first place. How can I look at this man with a different perspective if I can't even see him clearly? | ||
| heart rn Citizen Username: Heart_rn Post Number: 170 Registered: 2-2003  |
Las I don't know you and you don't know me. I too went through a painful divorce when my kids were young. It turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. I am now married (13years) to the greatest guy on earth. I never believed this could or would happen, but it did. Hang in there. Remember though, if you are a believer, kharma takes care of everyone. Everyone will get what they deserve. You are what you do. For that reason, don't stoop to his level. PL me if you want, I have some suggestions for your anxiety problems, been there too!! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1292 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks for posting, Heart. I do believe in karma - I know I'll find my peace and he'll get his. And maybe in thirteen years I too will believe this is the best thing that ever happened. Thank you to the three people who contacted me regarding my friend and his children. Specifically to the two women who knew who I was writing about, and reminded me that not all brains work like mine, we don't all process social situations the same way. The girl's mom called me over before she went into hospice almost three years ago. She wanted to thank me for things. She was about to die and I couldn't think of anything to say but to promise her that we loved her girls so much. I promised her that we would always be there for her girls. I promised. Spouses leave and spouses die and when you become an adult your parents die. That's life. Little girls should never, ever lose their mom. I'll call the dad to set up a time to talk this week. We need to get the lines open again. | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 788 Registered: 10-2003 |
las- make sure that you do it...I was going to respond before VIG to tell you to invite him...I mean, what have you got to lose? If he comes good and if he does not...well then that is his loss, not yours... again-hope you do make that call... Ciao Ciao! B | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 789 Registered: 10-2003 |
las- make sure that you do it...I was going to respond before VIG to tell you to invite him...I mean, what have you got to lose? If he comes good and if he does not...well then that is his loss, not yours... again-hope you do make that call... Ciao Ciao! B | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 13072 Registered: 1-2003  |
And even though it might be a time for him to help you, remember, he still has his hands full, being a widowed parent of two girls. I know the guy, and I can't imagine him having any ill will to you. But I can imagine him being too committed to make it to your party. But I'm sure he can find time for you at some point, maybe in his house. And maybe that would work out well. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1344 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm meeting my friend for coffee tonight. I've printed out my posts about his daughter and my sense of loss in case I have difficulty speaking. I'm looking forward to talking and hopefully moving forward. We're friends, after all. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 4181 Registered: 5-2001 |
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| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1360 Registered: 10-2003 |
-----Original Message----- From: Sam Sent: Wednesday, March 23, 2005 12:44 PM To: Lynn Subject: class S: Should the weather conditions worsen, please take the main roads to school tonight. L: Let's just pray classes are cancelled so I don't have to deal with it at all. ------------------------- My hands are really chapped. Sometimes I knit on the train platform even though it's too cold to not wear gloves and I started this about two years ago because those were the only minutes of the day I could knit without guilt for the rest of the day I had to be at work and every other moment I'd dedicate to my studies. I recall one year ago sitting on that huge down sofa in our sun parlor, crying because of his pain and his lostness and the strain on our marriage, growing more and more scared with each passing day but never thinking what happened would happen. And he started to say he wasn't sure if he loved me and I knew it meant he was in so much pain and he hated himself so how could he love someone else? And we would talk and cry out our hearts and he'd reach for my hands, and it never failed, he'd reach for my Ahava cream and massage it into my skin. We'd sit on that sofa his hands around mine in an effort to rid me of chappedness and chafedness and I knew everything would work out alright, he loved me way down and it hurt him that he hurt me and even in his mood he tried to make it better. In my old life I got two manicures a week (because there's nothing else to do Downtown during lunch) and then once he left and finances changed I stopped the splurge and now my hands are a grisley wreck: one cat scratch, one hangnail, one torn cuticle, a scab from where I jabbed myself with a pencil last week and general appearance of dryness and age. Him used to rub cream into my hands and now I have to do it myself, and it just doesn't work the same. | ||
| Barbara Citizen Username: Blh Post Number: 636 Registered: 5-2001  |
LAS Hope coffee last night went well. Call if you want to talk, B | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1362 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, Barbara, but he had to cancel. We're trying for this weekend. I'll keep you posted. | ||
| Calliope Citizen Username: Calliope Post Number: 5 Registered: 3-2006  |
Happy Birthday week, Las! I am a newbie, but I have been lurking for a little while, and have read your blog from the beginning. >whew!< This probably gives me a certain perspective that you may not have been able to achieve, as yet. I can only commend you for being so open-hearted and fearless (yes, fearless)and for developing such an AMAZING "dream team" to support and guide you. You have done a lot of hard work, so this birthday,though there is still work to be done,reap those rewards. And know that you have at least one new virtual friend who will raise her glass to you next week ! slainte! Calli | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1380 Registered: 10-2003 |
Wow, Calli, thank you. My friend had to cancel our coffee today and as I always choke-up when I see him or speak I couldn't say the brilliantly intense 'Why don't you call when you know your schedule for next week.' I just said the generic 'okay.' And that was that. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1400 Registered: 10-2003 |
A few weeks ago for the very first time I agreed to go out after work. I wasn't real sure as I hate doing that stuff but my coworker promised he'd stay by my side and make sure I didn't get lost. We got to the party and stepped inside it was loud it was dark I had made a mistake and hated being out where I was. We took a few steps he put his hand on my back and said in my ear, 'Let's go check our coats.' We got to the coatcheck I gave up my things and in return was handed a ticket which I held out to my friend and said, Here. Put it somewhere safe, he replied. Right. Here, I continued to hold it out for him. Put it somewhere safe, he replied. Right. Here. (Good lord he was so thick.) Put it in your purse and don't lose it. Please, just put it in your wallet with your ticket what's the big deal? You have to keep your own ticket in case we don't leave together. Of course. In my world my husband would stuff the tickets in his wallet. In this guy's world people don't always go home together. Why on earth did I not know that ahead of time? We went to the party and made the rounds and I tried to relax and enjoy myself but I kept sticking my hand in my purse to make sure the ticket was there, then I'd pull my hand out and stick it back in to make sure it didn't slip out when I pulled out my hand. It never got lost. But I never relaxed because I never stopped worrying about losing it even when I had enough to drink to make me chatty. When we were ready to leave my friend said to me, Give me your ticket, and he got our coats while I went for a pee and if he had the intention of leaving with me I don't know why he couldn't just hold my ticket anyway so that maybe I could have relaxed and had fun instead of having to feel for my ticket all night. So now that I've done it I can say that I did it and I don't think I'll be going to coworker events again as they are really much more stressful than I need to endure. This is the package I mailed to my beloved last week. Or the week before. I forget.  And I not only purged my home of his words and his writings and the letter from my sister-in-law, but I got rid of a guest bed I bought for a guest who hasn't come once since I've been here, and tonight I cleaned out the freezer of stuff that I took from the house when I left. It was mostly him's stuff, frozen veggie dogs and hot dogs and veggie chicken nuggets and a few other things that I never really liked but I took them so he wouldn't have them. Now they are dumped. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1980 Registered: 8-2003  |
happy spring! nothing like a bit of spring cleaning | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1402 Registered: 10-2003 |
Funny how that hits. I've been cleaning things and purging things and tying up loose ends. Even bought a new address book so I don't have to live with one that has all those Simmons cross-outs. Haven't really thought about it, I've just been doing it. All I need now is my garden and life wouldn't be so bad. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1981 Registered: 8-2003 |
I don't have much a green thumb, feel free to play in my garden! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1404 Registered: 10-2003 |
Not to worry, Pippi. I'll be getting married soon and my new husband will purchase a home in Maplewood where I can start my garden anew. Besides, the dirt sucks all the moisture out of my skin and my hands look crappy enough these days. Blech - who even wants to garden? (Me.) | ||
| WendyP Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3419 Registered: 12-2004 |
You can also have your way with my garden any time you please. It needs all the help it can get. Although I am seeing the buds that indicate my beloved peony bush is on it's way back! | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 4197 Registered: 5-2001 |
Mine too Las, you can work your way down the block. After the oil tank comes out, you can have complete freedom! | ||
| WendyP Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3421 Registered: 12-2004 |
Maybe that's a way to make yourself a little extra cash. Hire yourself out as a master gardener to those of us who are hopelessly inept! | ||
| BGS Citizen Username: Bgs Post Number: 820 Registered: 10-2003 |
Me too las...I would love to have you dig in my yard or show me wht is a weed and what is one on the things that my Mom planted that comes back every year.... Can;t wait for Friday night!!!! I am looking diligently for Mr. Right by the way and if I find him before Friday I will let you know! Heart, B | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7069 Registered: 5-2001  |
I have to clean out my pond. Are you into that? | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1515 Registered: 11-2001 |
There's lots of green stuff growing in my refrigerator. Does that count? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1406 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, all. But I need my own garden. Anticipated Grief. Supposedly, that's why I've been fine and weepy. And okay and down. And socializing and mourning. That fcuker ruined my birthday. And I am just waiting for the 30th to see what happens. He could have left a week before or a week after but he chose my birthday to never come home again. In front of the counselor he said, 'If I left two days later you wouldn't have been okay with that, either.' G-d damned him! what an assshole for choosing a landmark day to leave me instead of some anonymous day on the calendar. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22853 Registered: 6-2001  |
You go!!! Sock it to him!  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1410 Registered: 10-2003 |
-----Original Message----- From: Sam Sent: Monday, March 28, 2005 10:03 AM To: lynn Subject: wednesday S: I would like to do something for your birthday on Wednesday. What is your schedule? L: a. possible session with our shrink; b. if not, class. Honestly, a card with your words is all I am up for. S: I can accommodate all three requests. How would you feel about additionally, a late-night make-your-own-sundae spectacular. Let me know what flavor ice cream you would like. L: That's always an awesome idea, but I've actually been trying to lose weight, so I have to decline the sundae. -------------------------- That's how I knew he loved me. He was willing to make sundaes which meant breaking his routine: he'd eat, and he'd be up when I got home from class. Big sacrifices for guy who needed routine and structure. I never thought he would leave me. I knew we'd get through it and he'd get the treatment he needed. This period would someday be a blurr and we would be closer because of our shared pain. That's just how it works with married people. You move on because you love each other. Thursday morning I will wake up alone because I always wake up alone. And I hate it. | ||
| Calliope Citizen Username: Calliope Post Number: 17 Registered: 3-2006 |
<<thursday>> Oh,las, But you WILL wake up!And sometimes that's the best gift of all. You are going to get there,honey,when that "period would someday be a blur." And, while you may not yet realize it,you are moving on because you love YOURSELF. And , happily for you,many people do love you, and when you are ready,and healed, some special man will love you better than ever. Promise. Calli (and hey! I bet there are some furbabies there when you wake on Thursday, sending warm birthday wishes to their purr-son!) | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1986 Registered: 8-2003 |
las - you are forgetting there is no "treatment" for what truly was ailing him. don't lose sight of that!!!!!! there was no moving on becuase he was lying to both of you. I am sorry you are mourning, but it's normal to be feeling as you are, cominng up on the date. This is the first birthday, after a terrible year, that followed an awful birthday. I hate to tell you to look so far ahead into the future, but next years' birthday will be much better. They all will. We will all do what we can to keep you happy and smiling and to try to take your mind off it, but it will be on your mind....I am sorry for that. I am sorry for what he did. It was an awful selfish evil thing to do, and he'll get his. |
