| Author | Message | ||
     kmk Supporter Username: Kmk Post Number: 1144 Registered: 5-2001  |
And your education will be all yours too... | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1499 Registered: 10-2003 |
I've switched from emails between us to the support emails folder because I apparently want to inflict the most misery on myself by reliving every nightmarish moment of last year. I can't seem to help myself. If I read these things enough times maybe I'll figure out why this happened, why he started hating me, what I possibly could have done differently. If I didn't insist on keeping an $800 check that arrived after he left would he have kept his promise to give me the entire house? If I hadn't had the locks changed and allowed him to come and go as he pleased would that have made a difference? I recapped to my Tanta Shirl (tanta, Yiddish for aunt): Saw him last night at the therapist's office. He is done being married and ready to move on to the next phase of his life. He wants a divorce. He wants the house on the market in 90 days. My beautiful dream of a home. He was so hostile towards me. He wants nothing to do with me. We had no fight, no argument, he just says we grew apart and he is done. My heart is broken. Simply broken. I can't believe this is my life. For a while I thought he must have felt so awful for being so horrible towards me. All those years I was the only person he could stand up to. People all over the world could be crass or inappropriate to his face and he allowed it, never said a word. But he stood up to me: he wouldn't brush his teeth before bed then get mad at me for not kissing him; he wouldn't shower after hockey then we'd have an argument because he'd want to get back into bed; numerous tiffs were had when there was something pressing I needed to share, but he couldn't hear it until he did his mandatory online accounting task as soon as he got home each evening. But he was always so proud of my school. He couldn't do enough to help me succeed in school. He never commented on the papers and texts that would multiply and take over our kitchen and dining room tables; never had issues that a folding table and my homework would crowd his office two semesters a year. He would beg me to do my homework in the sun parlor and he'd watch his sports on mute so as not to disturb me, just so long as we could spend the time together. I recall asking my psychiatrist if he had a brain tumor. No, he told me, a brain tumor would make him more violent, he's just being a jerk. So this thing I worked towards for so many years is going to be put off for a while or indefinitely because the man who helped me to realize my dream selfishly ran away from home. I am already mourning not being in school. I really like myself a lot better in school. I was spending all my money on a degree that would enable me to be a full time volunteer. Without school, and without this worthless Master's I've been working towards, I am typical. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2058 Registered: 8-2003  |
"If I read these things enough times maybe I'll figure out why this happened, why he started hating me, what I possibly could have done differently." you won't find the answers to those questions no matter how many times you read them - the answers aren't there because they are the WRONG QUESTIONS Las, you KNOW in your heart there is nothing you could have done differently. It wasn't about you This was written in him from birth. you can't change that. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1501 Registered: 10-2003 |
I know I know I know. But if he was gay, he didn't have to be so mean to me. I was his best friend; I am the nicest person anyone could ever hope to have on their side. I would have done anything to ease his pain. 'Tho I guess I wasn't really nice, I was more like a doormat. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3491 Registered: 12-2004  |
You are far from typical, regardless of what degree you have. You will probably never know why he left, but I suspect it didn't have a whole lot to do with you. It's his problem. Unfortunately, you had to suffer for it. Someone told me something years ago that rang so true I never forgot it: Things other people say and do have more to do with them than with you. I know how sensitive you are, and I would probably react the same way: What did I do? What's wrong with ME? But it's not you. The sheer amount of folks that turned out for your party to wish you well indicates how worthwhile you really are. Please try to find a way to be nice to yourself in the midst of this mess. Make a conscious effort to say something nice to yourself right now. I'll start: You are one of the sweetest people I know. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2059 Registered: 8-2003 |
you do not need his permission or praise to do what makes you like yourself better. Let go of that and allow yourself to do what you want (and need) to do. You are giving him this power over whether or not you succeed in school and --honestly -- you can do it without him! you already are. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3492 Registered: 12-2004 |
Great minds think alike, eh Pippi! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2060 Registered: 8-2003 |
No, he didn't have to be so mean. But he was. Because he had it in him to be so. And that is really unfortunate. He lost far more than you did. He lost his best friend and the person who loved him unconditionally and he wouldhave eased his pain. I assure you (not that I care) he is suffering more than you. And you know what I say? GOOD. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1502 Registered: 10-2003 |
I am feeling sorry for myself over having to take yet another leave from school. Can't I get some pity, please? Geez...frigging cheerleaders around here.  And thank you. I had a great party. I know some beautiful, lovely, kind people. Fifty-two people showed up (I guess that would make me fifty-three  ). Of them, I knew fifty-one of them. Fifty-two people who have entertained me, talked to me, comforted me and loved me for a year. I do know I don't have it so bad. I really do know that. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3493 Registered: 12-2004 |
52 people you might never have known, if................ | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2062 Registered: 8-2003 |
meand - we DO think alike. I say HIM's loss is OUR gain (and YOURS too!) | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 3494 Registered: 12-2004 |
I wonder how many new, wonderful friends HIM has made since he turned in to a scumbag? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1503 Registered: 10-2003 |
Probably him's made tons of friends. You see, I kept him down. I didn't like when he met new people or socialized and I got jealous of his life outside the home. At least that's what he told me. And I'm the one in therapy?... | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 1149 Registered: 5-2003 |
Don't forget your friends who couldn't make it to the party! The rat fink's problem is that he actually hates himself. How can he love or be kind to anyone else, even you, when he can't love himself? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3215 Registered: 9-2003 |
ok here goes... he had to be mean - for HIM. To be kind and acknowlege your pain would crush him - he is that weak. So he pulled off some mean guy bravado and clearly now believes that he has terminated his old life and feelings for you. One day you may find that he probably hasn't, and is full of regrets in the way he went about things. Why he felt that he had to attempt to destroy you in his pathetic reach toward self-discovery, we may never know. What we DO know is that he hasn't destroyed you. Sidetracked your life's plans - absolutely. But never destroyed. All things WILL come to you. Mourn the loss for this particular time if you must, but don't let it last too long. Spring is here. New life, rebirth, and as always.. your friends await. Typical? You? Not bloody likely!! | ||
| BGS Supporter Username: Bgs Post Number: 894 Registered: 10-2003 |
...and stop beating yourself up....what difference does it make why he decided to "hate" you???? Will knowing change anything??? From all you have written about him, and the way he did things...as far as this wise old mind can tell, you are so much better off...he surely was not who you thought he was. HOLD YOURSELF IN HIGH ESTEEM...IF YOU DO NOT LOVE YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE WILL!!! My Mom pounded that into my head for all of my growing up years...thank goodness I started to like myself so that I have all of you!!! See you later las... Heart, B | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 1645 Registered: 11-2001 |
All of the above! Plus, he is sick. Sick, sick, sick, sick, SICK. There is nothing you could have done to fix him. He did not want to be fixed. You did nothing to make this happen. You are not typical. He is garbage. Next! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1522 Registered: 10-2003 |
Sometimes while sleeping I'd have a bad dream and start screaming for my life and him would soothe me and calm me and stroke me and transition me back to sleep. For years he would shake me and tell me wake up it was only a dream but over time we saw it worked best for me not to be totally up, so over the years the practice would be that he'd soothe me and calm me and say quieting words and hold me until sleep came again. A year ago I knew I was sleeping I was having a nightmare and soon I'd start screaming and that was his cue to wake me from this horrible place. I went through those first days just waiting to scream just waiting for the moment to come when the fear in my dream would be so overwhelming I'd have no choice but to let it all out from the bottom of my gut. Anyone who would listen I'd tell them the truth: I was having a nightmare and when timing was right I would scream bloody hell and he'd wake me from the pain. And in true nightmare form not a person believed me they said it was real and I was awake and he wasn't going to save me I had to do it on my own. But they all were wrong, I just knew it inside, he'd never let me be so afraid, so I sat and I waited in the dark of the house, and I went to work for half days and I saw my shrink and I waited and waited and waited for him, but he never woke me up to soothe me and transition me back to a tranquil sleep. I think of that now because I've had a connection to things that I'm thinking of late, and the way my brain works is that nothing has permanence and nothing has relevance until it connects with something I've done and gives it a reason to stay. I realized this week the past fifteen years have pretty much been a blur. I recall the most mundane of details from fifteen years ago, but not much else from my life with him has found a place to stick in my brain. And it makes me wonder if I've had it all wrong that the nightmares didn't cause me to scream, it was coming back to our life that scared me so much. I have not had a single nightmare since he left. (But having nightmares with your beloved still beats sleeping alone.) | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2066 Registered: 8-2003 |
wow what an incredible insight! I am glad details from your life with him have not stuck. It makes it that much easier to wish for greater things...perhaps he wasn't the best thing in your life. Perhaps his leaving was the best thing for your life. the sky is truly the limit | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2601 Registered: 9-2003  |
I can relate in a tiny way. Had horrible TMJ until I divorced husband #2. Not since! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1525 Registered: 10-2003 |
My Pippi, ever the optimist!  Interesting, Cyn. I remember the week before we met I was in Hawaii, I ruptured my ears on a helecopter ride and as a result I've had massively chronic ear and sinus infections (six, eight a year)...until last March. Had them two weeks before he left. And only two since. And my migraines? Maybe three in the entire year. How does that work? And you know what? I also recall a few months into our dating I woke up drenched - the start of my night sweats. I've been taking medication for them for a decade. I'll skip it a few nights and see what happens. Oh, dear. I wonder what I'll talk about if I no longer have symptoms?... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2602 Registered: 9-2003 |
Gardening. The BOE. Shoes. Hair products. Not saying everything is related to stress/unresolved issues, just found it interesting that the TMJ went away when he did. Also, my sister the long timer sufferer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome got significantly better when she moved away from our mother, and stopped being subject to her mother in law's whims. Her immodium and similar now is gathering dust. I have such a big mouth, etc. and I'm convinced that "not swallowing" my thoughts helps keep well-er than a lot of the women I know at work and elsewhere. Could, of course, be my smoking habit or Russian genes. Or dumb luck (most likely). | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1528 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm getting ready to head up to bed and I won't take the pill that I've taken for years that prevents the night sweats that repulsed my beloved to the point that when he thought I was asleep he'd disentangle himself from me. I've been on this drug for about eight years and I've tried going off it before to no avail. It'll take a few days to see. Now that I'm finding out I'm not quite so sickly or pathetic I probably won't sweat in my sleep. Funny how these things are all connected. | ||
| Soda Supporter Username: Soda Post Number: 3717 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las, here's just one guy's perspective: From the time I was old enough to be sexually aroused (as opposed to innocently/romantically involved, which goes back to kindergarten) by girls, one of the key ingredients in their attraction for me was the smell of their sweat, which I found utterly intoxicating. My most passionate (if doomed) romance during high school was with my class' most notable ballerina. We worked on our senior play together. She had smarts, grace, athleticism, wonderful eyes, a killer smile, but, of course, a distinct deficiency in the breast department. Once I got close to her, and realized how terrific she was, however, none of those plusses or minuses mattered nearly so much as the way she smelled. During and after the rehearsals of the Ballet Sequence of the show, I'd hang around her just to breathe in the sweetly acrid aroma of her copious perspiration. It wasn't like guysweat. it wasn't B.O.... it was perfume... ambrosia... if they could have bottled it... She eventually dumped me for a college guy, but that's another story. But the deal with her sweat, as we all recognize now, was PHEROMONES. So don't put down those night sweats. The right guy may love you for them. -s. | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5998 Registered: 5-2001  |
"a distinct deficiency in the breast department" What the heck does that mean? She was concave? | ||
| Soda Supporter Username: Soda Post Number: 3719 Registered: 5-2001 |
Close... And way to miss the point, mem... s. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7194 Registered: 5-2001  |
I'm with Mem. Not sure what the point is. Are you looking for pats on the head because you found something attractive about this woman despite the fact that she had no tits? You may be sorely dissappointed..... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7195 Registered: 5-2001 |
Dave! I said "tits"! | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 3402 Registered: 5-2005  |
Greentree I agree he's just weird | ||
| Soda Supporter Username: Soda Post Number: 3722 Registered: 5-2001 |
Please note that the description ran: "my class' most notable ballerina. We worked on our senior play together. She had smarts, grace, athleticism, wonderful eyes, a killer smile, but, of course, a distinct deficiency in the breast department." I probably should have used "and" instead of "but", since mammary overload isn't usually associated with ballerinas. And, no, I was not seeking anybody's approbation for falling for the girl. I was pointing out that las shouldn't worry too much about her own attractiveness to a future "Mr. Right" being overly affected by her night sweats... But rather than oversimplify my intentions any further, I'll let you girls continue with your odd boob-centric sniping. I'll just have to gamble that las is smarter than you must think she is, and hope that she got my drift the first time. You go, las. -s. BTW: I'm surprised at you, greenie. Lucy & mem, not so much... | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1531 Registered: 10-2003 |
Read my words and anyone will know I always miss the subtleties, hence I missed the breast reference as being anything other than a description of a ballerina. I was thinking about the pheromones with Soda. My first night without that pill and I was up and anxious for most of it (probably coincidence - school is really stressing me out), but I didn't wake up in a sweat. I had all three cats pressed against me all night (do pass that sexy image to your straight, single male friends) so I didn't get out of bed for fear of disturbing them. We had a long, ponderous night with the windows open and the too cool breeze and lots of purrs but no anxiety sweats. I probably don't really get night sweats - likely it's just one of those marriage things like the ear/sinus infections and the migraines. And the low self-esteem and the inclination to behave like a doormat. | ||
| kmk Supporter Username: Kmk Post Number: 1153 Registered: 5-2001 |
"He" was probably disturbed by the presence of any female pheremones in his bed! (On our wedding day my husband told everybody, during a speech at the reception, that he was always attracted to me because I "smelled so good".) | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 6000 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las, Who cares about all that sweat, meds, cat stuff - exactly where do you stand in the breast department? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 1532 Registered: 10-2003 |
K, that's really sweet. You, too, Soda (sorry I didn't say so before). Where do I stand, Mem? You've seen me. I stand a good foot and a half behind my breasts. | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2313 Registered: 5-2001 |
mem, greenetree....as you may or may not know I am often appalled at the things Soda says, particularly regarding my friend Marie. This time however I took it the way Soda intended it and las viewed it, which was to paint a rather clear image of a classic ballerina’s body along with acknowledging what many men are attracted to. Soda's intent was to tell las that the wrong guy was smelling her sweat and the right guy is there somewhere. Now if Soda can just be nice to more people, that would be just swell. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7198 Registered: 5-2001 |
Soda doesn't particularly bother me. But, unless the discussion involves fitting a bra properly, I hate including breast size in a description. Las - you are rather lucky. I'm starting to feel like I'm standing a foot and a half over my breasts. | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 6001 Registered: 5-2001 |
I am standing foot and a half in front of my breasts. It's very uncomfortable. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3228 Registered: 9-2003 |
and at my age, I'm standing a foot and a half above them... | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2070 Registered: 8-2003 |
 | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 3405 Registered: 5-2005 |
Thanks!! |
