| Author | Message | ||
     Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 13764 Registered: 1-2003  |
VIG, see http://tinyurl.com/e94kj I read "How to talk to kids so they'll listen..." when my older was very young. It sounds crazy to say this, but it changed my whole life more than any other book I ever read, on any topic. It's possible to extrapolate the advice to relationships other than parent/child. The "Liberated parents..." book is really a better book. I confess I haven't read beyond the first one or two chapters, but they are GOLDEN. The "Siblings with rivalry" book is also excellent. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2984 Registered: 9-2002  |
And a big thank you to Tom again for suggesting the books to me. They are changing my life. I feel it most when I see my daughter, who has the same hair trigger temper that I do, struggling to express herself instead of screaming. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 4294 Registered: 5-2001 |
I bought the three books! Wish me luck... | ||
| Bob K Supporter Username: Bobk Post Number: 11272 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn, even though more than ten years ago we remember our daughter in middle school. She is lucky she survived. A lot of what appears to be going on with CynGrl is testing limits, hormones and you add in a very sick parent she must be very upset. I know this doesn't help you, because you have gone through hell for the last couple of years yourself. However, I know with my kids (admitedly I am not a natural parent) I sometimes had to stop my self and ask, "who is the adult here?" Hang in there and use the painting as therapy! | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 3387 Registered: 5-2001 |
Just a followup on an issue I brought up here in late March, in connection with my parents' assisted living move (now chronicled on my own blog) ... I spoke to their insurance agent and learned that they are fine with their homeowners insurance while they hold onto their house, so long as half or more of the contents remain in the house. (No danger there for quite some time!) There is no requirement about anyone living in the house. And, if they vacate the house (i.e. reduce the contents below 50%), they will write a different policy that will still protect against fire and similar until it is sold. They will also write us a renters policy for the new place. So all is good on this front. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2645 Registered: 9-2003  |
Good deal! That should help ease your father along. Had no idea homeowners' insurance could be so flexible, sac. On the kid front, Curt is reading the Liberated Parents book, in between our painting tasks. He's liking it, and sharing his views on the yelling. I knew he hated it, as his mother was a yeller and his father an avoider (like him). So, ze big challenge is to find a middle road. One of our past issues (in better days, we just had normal family issues) was that I was obliged to be the disciplinarian, whereas he'd be the second kid. He was definitely a peace at any price type, and would live in squalor, handing out $10 at a shot rather than deal with tough issues. I asked him to take the lead in finding a path to resolution (the alternative being I go live in the garage to get away from their mess and nonsense). Which would be a shame as the living room is starting to look good! He's been able to help with painting and stuff, which is great. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7347 Registered: 5-2001  |
Cyn - my sis-in-law once left the house and checked into a hotel for the night during a battle between her son and husband. She said she'll never forget the look on their faces as she walked out the door with her overnight bag. She'd threatened to leave a couple of times before if they didn't cut it out, but I don't think that they thought she'd do it. The next night, they had a very good family discussion over dinner. I'm not suggesting that you run away from home for a night, but we have a guest room.....  Although, sounds like you won't need it. Sac- that's great. It dawned on me the other day that, after all this stuff with my mom, I'm probably going to have to deal with this with my stepmom & dad some day. Ugh. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2649 Registered: 9-2003 |
The irony is that I don't really like the yelling, either, having grown up in a pretty messed up home. However, unlike my dad and Curt (avoiders, both!) I'm not a peace at any price type. I'm a do-er, planner, get it out in the open, blow it up if you have to to fix it type. I have definitely left the house when too po'ed to deal. And I don't readily tune out stomping, door slamming and other signs of a fit (which the kid can do). Hence, the need for a middle path. I have fantasized about turning the garage into an apartment for myself! Also, I like ltd clutter, somewhat modern, etc. I lived alone for a long time, and one of the biggest challenges for me is living with other people who: 1. Leave closet/cupboard doors open/ajar. 2. Take off the shoes, coats etc just inside the front door and never deal with them. 3. Allow junk mail and aimless papers to proliferate. 4. Leave glasses and plates around the house. 5. All of that related stuff, including mess in the car. I'm a "place for everything and everything in it's place" type with respect to common areas in the house. Curt and the kid, well, rather different! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7358 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn- what's really strange is how alike you & I are. Everything you said above, except the part where you have to live with two opposites. A few years ago, 4 of us at work went on a vendor's golf outing. One of the guys told the boss that it was half a day. Of course, the golf part was half a day, but the luncheon lasted the rest of the day. Long story short, we were out all day & the office tattle tale got the boss all worked up. The next morning, Tattle Tale greeted each one of us with a gloating "Steve's really pissed off at all of you". The other three went to their offices, closed their doors and didn't come out all morning. I walked into the boss' office and said "I know you're pissed; I'm sorry that no one realized it was an all day event. We should have called." He ranted for a few minutes, calmed down and the day went on. At the end, he came into my office and told me that I was the only one who had approached him about it and that he respected and appreciated it. My theory has always been "it ain't going away if you ignore it; may as well get it over with". So, mom got really mad at one of her posse this week. The friend had a colonscopy and mentioned it to mom on the phone that evening. Mom asked her who took her to the appointment. "Oh, a neighbor." Mom told her off for treating her like an invalid and not calling her for a ride. "You came to the hospital and did my dirty laundry; you've driven me to numerous appointments. I'm well, I'm your friend and I can do this. Why didn't you call me to take you?" I told mom that I don't blame her for being a little upset, but try not to get worked up about it. "I know you hate it when people treat you like you are sick. But she'd be like this if you had a splinter." Something is up with her best friend and mom is being really stubborn. BF and her husband came back from wintering in Florida two weeks ago. BF was going to go visit mom last weekend, but didn't because she "had a cold". Mom is hurt that she hasn't come to see her or to see her new kitchen. I don't blame her. But, I did ask her why she hasn't called BF and asked if something is wrong. Mom says "it is what it is; she'll just feel obligated." I hate to see a 35 year friendship fall apart over stubborness, but they'll figure it out or they won't. Mom has three business meetings this week and is coming to visit on Friday. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2654 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, greenetree, I have detected our soul connection previously. Is it the Taurus factor? I dunno... Maybe her friend is afraid to see her after the winter apart? Afraid to see how she is doing? Sometimes people do that (I've seen it with some of Curt's connections, of long duration, too). | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7363 Registered: 5-2001 |
This friend tends to be a bit "hard core". She beat breast cancer and has MS, so she doesn't tolerate people giving in to their illnesses. The weird thing about it is that she came back from FL last year as soon as mom was diagnosed. She was the one who helped me with the dog, took mom to her lake house several times when she was too weak to be alone, etc. I know that she thinks that mom didn't try as hard as she could sometimes. I look back and realize that there were times we were harder on mom than we needed to be. She didn't always have the emotional strength to do what others thought she should. Yet, here she is now. This friend lost two sisters to breast cancer & thinks of mom like her only living sister. She's lost 3 other friends to cancer this year. I suspect it's something like a subconscious separation thing. She knows mom is doing well, but we have different goals now. Before it was about total remission. Now it's about controlling it for as long as possible. I just hope they work something out because I hate to see my mom feeling hurt and I know that this friend will hurt no matter how much she tries not to. | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 3391 Registered: 5-2001 |
Both Tauruses?? (Me, too, but I'm the avoider in my family, so I don't match up that way.) | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2656 Registered: 9-2003 |
You sure you're not a Pisces, sac. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1374 Registered: 3-2002 |
Hey - another Taurus non-avoider here... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7366 Registered: 5-2001 |
Can you imagine if we were all locked in one room? TS is a Gemini. Makes for some interesting times.... I take it that my fellow bulls are also stubborn to the point of obsession? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2657 Registered: 9-2003 |
No, just firm in my well-established opinions. | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2388 Registered: 5-2001 |
 Love it! Signed, a stubborn (because I'm usually right) Pisces | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2658 Registered: 9-2003 |
You are so not a Pisces. You sure you're not like a late or early baby, who belongs in an adjacent sign????? My sister is my prototype for a Pisces. Dear, hardworking, family loving person that she is -- almost impossible to get her to say what she thinks! Mucho passive-agressive seeming behaviors....I know I'm typecasting (but that's the fun of horoscopes). My current husband, and my first, share the exact same birth day though not year. Both are Leos; first was a real actor-y guy, performer, charming etc. Curt is not at all actor-y etc. Go figure. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7373 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yeah, but isn't Curt an artiste? We practical, down-to-earth Type As need to pair off with whimsical, free spirit types. If we paired off with our own kind, there would inevitably be a murder-suicide. | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2389 Registered: 5-2001 |
My husband and son are both Taurus’s. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7375 Registered: 5-2001 |
Wow. I could never live with me..... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2660 Registered: 9-2003 |
Curt is only outgoing when (1) online, and (2) drunk. I really have had several rather odd experiences in my life where I've had truly immediate rapport with a person, only to find they were within a week of my birth date. In one case it was a guy, and we had EXACTLY the same month/date/year. Only went out a couple of times because I found out he was committed elsewhere.....! I always get drawn to Aquarians (and it ends in baffled, soul searching tears because they tend to disappear, be they friend or lover), Scorpios (much closeness, then much weird viciousness), and Leos. I mean (and I say this as a nearly 52 year old woman with a rather varied past love life) I can think of precious few exceptions that lead to anything at all.... I don't think I could live with me because I'm too tidy, hog the best pillow, and eat all the good leftovers. Cookies call my name when I'm nearly asleep, and I must go and rescue them. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7383 Registered: 5-2001 |
I eat the leftovers, too. Only, TS and I have been battling over acceptable shelf life for 16 years. She will declare something to be hers. I only eat it if it is on its last day. It always pisses her off. I rescue the cookies before I go to bed. Why let them suffer any longer than they have to? BTW - my boss just popped in and asked me if I knew anything about the nearby mall. I looked at her like "am I breathing?" and asked her what she needed. She wanted to know about a store that I didn't know, so I pulled up Google, found the mall website and located the store she needed in under 10 seconds. As she walked away, I wondered if she thought it was that fast because I spend all my time online shopping. I'm safe, tho. If they look at my online history, there will be very little shopping. Just lots of MOL.....  | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2391 Registered: 5-2001 |
greene, cyn, I just realized that I should throw a party for you two Tauruses. Perhaps a May day party. ******************************************************************************* OK. I've planned it all out; I just need for the two of you to send me $200 each by the end of this month to pay the caterer! Thankey. (Don't worry, with that amount contributed, you can invite your family and a few* friends.) *Maximum of 6, please | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7392 Registered: 5-2001 |
 | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2392 Registered: 5-2001 |
You, the funny one, laughed. You made my evening. Thank you!!!!! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2663 Registered: 9-2003 |
Those durned Mexicans -- or tequila manufacturers -- hijacked my birthday! One day I woke up and, hey!, my birthday had turned into Cinqo de Mayo. I like Mexican, but I wuz robbed....swingin' singles everywhere started turning my birthday into a booze fest! | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2394 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh and you suddenly become a teetotaler on your special day? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2664 Registered: 9-2003 |
Nah, it's just that tequila isn't my drug of choice. Ideal birthday dinner, had several times: There's a restaurant along the C&D canal in Delaware called the Bayard House. Go there, get a table on the flagstone patio overlooking the canal. Pretty flowers, watch the boats. Drink 1 Tanqueray G&T. Have appetizer involving crab and lobster, or similar. High quality shellfish, simply prepared. Eat green salad with goat cheese and stuff on it. Order the Tournados de somthing (2 fillets, each topped with a wonderful imperial like thing). Have really chewy red wine with. If any room after this, split fabulous cheesecake (no fruit please, except maybe raspberries; none of that crappy strawberry pie filling stuff) with really good cup of coffee. If not driving, have one grand marnier and a glass of mineral water. Fall asleep, with ducks and seagulls and stuff walking around near by. Oh, and impeccable, forgiving, gracious service provided by slightly scruffy, attractive young men. Cool extra thing about this place is that it is frequented by a variety of people ranging from boat types, elderly preppies, scruffy locals. No yuppies at all. Nobody sending back food. Nobody loud. No illbehaved small children (or big children). No stress, no fuss. Drink and smoke on the patio with impunity. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3261 Registered: 9-2003 |
Nice cyn... great food - very cool area and soooo relaxing. Can't remember if Bayard was on this or that side of the bridge (which, but the way, is my least favorite bridge on the east coast) | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2665 Registered: 9-2003 |
I agree! It's narrow, and curvy. Feeds my fear of going off bridge fantasy! On the southern side of the canal, I believe...Also like The Buttery in Lewes DE (where I'd love to retire). | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7418 Registered: 5-2001 |
Today I am Very Cranky. I woke up exhausted yesterday and took the day off. Napped off and on until 2p. Check my voice mail; no messages. Today, I come in to find that all hell has broken loose. I know that we have more work than can be handled, but my boss's tendancy to throw anything at me that she doesn't feel like dealing with is really pissing me off. I wouldn't have a problem with it, except that it is impossible to meet some of these deadlines, especially when they all happen at once. And she won't push back and tell her manager that timelines are not realistic. The •••• really does roll down hill. Wait 'til I remind her that I'm off on Friday.  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2675 Registered: 9-2003 |
Let her eat cake!!! Yellow cake, that is (being mean on your behalf). I was cranky yesterday...today I'm being kick-asc at WORK!!!! | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 13871 Registered: 1-2003 |
greenetree, Red and I walked by your house yesterday morning. Your tulips are fantastic. Look at them again as soon as you have a chance. The color might be therapeutic. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7422 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thanks, Tom. Did you notice the giant Fritillaria? The bulbs are expensive, but I've got to get more. I was probably sleeping when you went by, so you missed me in my sexpot outfit. I spend lots of time standing and looking at my garden. The neighbors think that I'm nuts. In fact, I get asked to dog sit in the summer because they know that I'll prune their garden. How weird is that? Cyn - why would I waste good cake on her? I've put half the weight I lost since Xmas back on. I need to get things under control again. Maybe I should give her all the cake.... So, mom is coming this weekend. I'm driving her straight out to the Hamptons from the airport. My brother & his wife don't shop for groceries; she eats Jenny Craig, he nibbles on whatever & the kids eat mac & cheese, fruit, string beans, etc. I hate the stores out there; they are over-priced and under-stocked. We don't go out for meals (restaurants are too pretentious, etc.). So, I thought that I would make some stuff and take it out there. This is a long way of saying that no one warned me that Eggplant Parm is not a project for a school night. Especially when you have to run out for eggs, bread crumbs and oil half-way thru the frying because slicing up 2 gigundo eggplants seemed like a good idea at the time. So, I have one in the freezer that should feed 12 people; I made a mini-one for TS who said it's the best she's ever had - even better than hers; and another huge plate full of fried eggplant waiting for me to make another batch of sauce. Mom found out yesterday that one of her posse has cancer, too. Needless to say, it took the wind out of everyone's sails. I have no details, so I don't know the stage, etc. She promised not to tell, but, believe it or not, I guessed. I asked her what was wrong, she said she was sworn to secrecy, I asked who had cancer, she wouldn't tell, I got it on the second guess. I hate being right. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2676 Registered: 9-2003 |
The absent BF? I hope you have a great time in the Hamptons, and good for you you're importing food. Can't be sitting around the shack nibbling carrots! Hope you guys have a really good time... PS--I meant that stuff they use to make nukes. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7426 Registered: 5-2001 |
Duh! Shows you where my head is.... Anything called "cake" is to be eaten. You don't maintain an ••• the size of mine by considering chemical references with consumable names..... No, it's not the MIA BF. The friend has not yet told her own kids. Once she does that, I'm "allowed" to know and can do some research for her. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22978 Registered: 6-2001  |
Sucky, sucky, sucky ••••. I really don't know what else to say. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7441 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yeah, Bets. That's about it. It's kidney, which is also caused by smoking and also has a very poor prognosis. I am on version 10 of a one-page strategy summary. The VP wants it now, my boss is one of those "red line" types and I have gotten to the point where I just type in her changes. Then, she wants to see it again and tells me that "my" stuff makes no sense. My favorite part is when she told me that the VP wants Power Point. I told her that the VP specifically told me one-page bullets. I swear, I used to be an intelligent, articulate person. On occassion, some people even tell me that my writing isn't half bad. I know that I don't have a doctorate, but I do have my master's. Apparently, I somehow managed to pull together a coherent thesis. I'm off tomorrow. Can't wait. Although, I dread the drive to LaGuardia and then the Hamptons. Ugh. I've had the worst case of vertigo all day today. My head feels really clogged. Is it a particularly bad allergy day? It hits me whenever I stand up and walk around. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22986 Registered: 6-2001 |
It's a terrible allergy day today and tomorrow doesn't look like an improvement. Can TS drive? I hope GreeneMom and all have a lovely stay at the Hamptons this weekend. The weather (while on the cool side) is supposed to be beautiful. As soon as you leave work, repeat to yourself 10 times: "I will not think about this place or that beyotch until I pull my VW into the parking lot next week." Then try like hell to follow your own advice. {{{{HUGS}}}} |
