| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7604 Registered: 5-2001  |
I hope the Benadryl helped. I can't take it; it keeps me awake for days (go figure). I forgot my Claritan this morning. Will have to run to Rite Aid at lunch, I guess. Whining is OK. That's what we're all here for. Hope all goes well today. On a different subject - friends were hanging last night, so we turned on the Bubble Boy thing since they were into it. I don't know why, but David Blaine has always annoyed the hell out of me. It just pisses me off that he makes millions of dollars for putting his life and health in great risk and intentionally making himself sick. Howzabout giving some of that money to people who don't choose to starve, have breathing difficulties or have organs shut down or, or, or. Do it to raise awareness of hunger or an illness. Do it for a cause (other than "'cause I want to be rich and famous") and then I'll be impressed. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2744 Registered: 9-2003  |
WHA-AH-AH-AH...Benedryl didn't quite get it. At work today, all dressed up, going over to Manhattan. Can't wait to go home to my bed. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7615 Registered: 5-2001 |
Sorry it didn't work. I'm really cranky because I can only get 10 generic Claritan-D at a time. And the stuff ain't cheap. I may as well go back to Allegra. Even with a $75 copay, I can get a three month supply and it costs about the same. Baby Bro just e-mailed me and said "here's my credit card; please send Mother's Day flowers to the following: mom, our step, GMF and his M-I-L." So, I did. And tossed one in for TS's mom while I was at it.  I saved him $50 on delivery alone, tho, by choosing flexible delivery. | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 3655 Registered: 5-2005  |
Greenie you can give me lessons on shopping any day! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2745 Registered: 9-2003 |
That sounds, in a weird way, like some kinda Dean Martin move: sending the same flowers to each of his ladies with a note saying "You move me...love Dino" Full cred for efficiency! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7620 Registered: 5-2001 |
Lucy- I have a PhD in shopping. And the Amex bills to show for it, unfortunately.  Oh - another thing that I resent about my mother's illness is that it has made me a Better Person. We used to give really nice gifts to my mom and TS's mom. Just a mom thing, I guess. Well, TS's brother (who comes home to see his mother about once every 5 years) always sends her extravagent roses for Mother's Day. One year, we sent her a really frilly porcelein teapot with mini-roses in it. Not my cuppa, but definitely hers. Well, all she could talk about was the be-autiful roses sent by her adoring, MIA son. Same thing with our Xmas gift; the $1.25 pack of bubble gum (or whatever it was) was the most magnificent gesture of generosity in the world. Our Coach bag and Chanel 5 were "nice". Now, we don't give for the compliments; that's not what it's about. It would just be nice to be acknowledged. So, a few years ago, we just stopped trying. Cards & a bottle of body wash from Drug Fair. She's a great lady; just has different criteria for her sons and daughters. I'll bet a lot of you know what I mean. Anyway, where am I going with this? Well, I'm sitting here ordering flowers for my brother's peeps and I think about my M-I-L. I call TS. I've been thinking about it and life is too short and for better or worse, you only get one mother. Maybe we should send her flowers for Mother's Day. TS was very happy. Turns out she's been thinking about the same thing and agreed. She asked me if I would be OK hearing nothing about our gift and all about her brother's roses. I think that I'll be able to handle it. I'm getting soft.  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2752 Registered: 9-2003 |
More cancer, albeit small. Back to chemo routine, but weaker dose, starting next week (must wait for "auth"). Endoscopy to make sure no blockage stuff. Resolute, angry, very crabby. Doctor said to be expected, but all of us hoped for longer. Curt crabby, determined to get off Fentanyl so he can drive himself. Me, so pissed off. I hate when this happens. | ||
| Wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 2465 Registered: 5-2001 |
I can't possibly be as pissed off as you are or hate this as much as you do - but I'm getting closer. Boy oh boy. Hang in there cynicalgirl and Curt. Two steps forward and all that. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 2183 Registered: 8-2003  |
Cynicalgirl - I'll get a little pissed for you too. want to come to kickboxing? Let loose some off that pissed-offness? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7644 Registered: 5-2001 |
•••• •••• •••• •••• I guess "to be expected" is better than "Oh, wow. Didn't see that coming." Crabby and determined is better than resigned. Crap. | ||
| mjh Supporter Username: Mjh Post Number: 515 Registered: 5-2001 |
I'm friggin' furious. Unfair is too small a word and just does not cover it when one person/family gets repeatedly battered despite all the effort, courage, patience and love imaginable. sucks If Curt cannot drive, you must let us (as a group)make a schedule for driving him back and forth. You don't need the aggravation. | ||
| BGS Supporter Username: Bgs Post Number: 984 Registered: 10-2003 |
Cyn---there are no words from this camp.... I can drive any day early in the morning...I must be in Summit by 8:30 but I am up by 5AM daily so please remember me if you have any early morning stuff... Curt---as someone else says...two forward and a baby step back...hang in there...prayers continue. BGS | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2753 Registered: 9-2003 |
I am now going to type a serious of dirty words, here at my desk in my office at work. Let's see what happens: fukk shyit damn c--nt dick twot ---- for brains You guys are great. More when I know more. Yes, I'm worried about the rides (second verse, same as the first). I love that he wants to drive. I love that he's angry (though living with it sucks). I dread the side effects (though should be less so). I'm worried about the endoscopy given the blockage experiences he's been having (polyp?). I would think that if there was cancer there the CAT/PET would've shown. (Just fixed some words) Bottom line, I know very little and I'm made that this came up just yet. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7653 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yeah - it's kind of weird. You want desperately for the person to start taking charge of their own life in whatever way they can, and then you feel a bit blind-sided when it happens. I'm so glad you want to drive and make decisions. But, can't you continue to gaze fawningly at me like I have all the answers like you used to? This getting snippy thing is annoying. I wonder if the Bible Filter will catch naughty words in foreign languages. Let's try: merde mierda scheibe merda scopata baise bumsen cogida foda Huh. There ya go. Merde to merda are poop and scopata to foda are the f-bomb. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2754 Registered: 9-2003 |
One of my faves is what an ex-boyfriend used to call his estranged and strange wife: c-nt face fart features. Makes no real sense, but kinda sounds good. I shouldn't like it, but I do. I'm just ma-a-a-ddd dah-ling-ng.... We also made up new words to the song "Rocky Top" when we were po'ed at an old boss of his. "Drippy Dikk," to be exact. I feel juvenile, but there you go. A 52-year-old adolescent, that's me. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2755 Registered: 9-2003 |
OK. I'm over my adolescent thing. Work is good as it is distracting. Just had a series of half-hour meetings on urgent matters related to (1) web site performance and kpi's, (2) which sites we can readily convert to content mgt, and (3) more understandable language around a Search box. Guess I'm still me. Gastro Boy (The gastroenterologist and I) think that the blockage experiences he's been having are related to food choices, chewing etc. Want to give it a week. So, I'll just await word from the Onco front on the "auth" for the chemo. And, if Curt stays perky, jump the battery in his car this weekend, get more air in the tires, and see how he does driving. That would be good for his head. His opiates are nil, it's more me worrying about strength to drive the 55 Chevy (with which he wholly identifies, along with his aging cat). I will say that he's way less passive on less Fentanyl, which is good. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2756 Registered: 9-2003 |
Hey, it's lonely in here! Curt was Mr. Perky last night. Asking me how he'll likely feel around July 4th as a good friend of his in Delaware, who shoots fireworks on the side for Girone Fireworks, has invited him to be a guest shooter. Now, Curt loves fireworks and used ot do this almost as a hobby with this guy. So, I tracked through my memory and said "Well, it's hard to say. Maybe not too bad, depending. Tell him yes, and even if you're crappy you can be an observer and I'll get you there." What's interesting/heartening (hopefully not fake) is that he's much more loins-girded this time than last. Much less passive, and very concerned about the effect on me and the kid of this diagnosis, and the treatment process. He said to me that he feels very take charge, and he wants to be listened to. I think that's good. His doc yesterday (and the nurses) were doing a lot of pursed lips. I could tell that they were very bothered by having to deliver the news. I could tell they were distancing. I do know that with this inherited stuff there's not much that is know except that it will recur. Of course from my perspective, and possible Curt's, it feels like being written off. Curt is determined that that not be so, and his determination is emboldening me.. At the same time, I'm not looking forward to living the "plucky cancer warrior" plotline that ends near term in death. I'm going to call the doc today, and ask a couple of questions. When I spoke with him briefly privately yesterday I said "I feel really bummed out that this has recurred, and recurred while he's still not utterly strong. Should I be?" He said "Yes, and yes." He also said "he's not going to get stronger." Didn't have my wits about me to say why? I still don't get, in a way that I fully understand, why that is so -- especially during the period when there was no apparant cancer. I mean, I get the surgery, and I get the effect of the chemo, but I don't understand well enough why he doesn't put on weight etc. I need more answers, and I need to know what if anything we can do/can be done to mitigate that. Curt is ready to hear, and so am I. I know docs don't want to give false hope, but I think a fuller understanding would be good. The sphere for hope, so to speak. What are the factors, the inputs. I'm sure come the first chemo it'll all feel still different, but for now I need more facts, and facts based on Curt's particular case/plumbing. And for now, I will completely go with whatever Curt wants to push to do as he is a muy stubborn man. All his familly have always remarked upon it. When he makes up his mind to do something (not that often) he usually does. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7669 Registered: 5-2001 |
I wish I could be more helpful, but I'm half stoned from taking gthe Ambien CR last night. Won't be doing this again. Anyway, the "taking charge: thing in and of itself is good. He's making plans, also good. If he thought things were ending, I doubt he'd make plans to months away. Mom's current activity has a different feel and prpose to it. I know what how it feels; whe mom got her 2nc dx in January, I felt the docs pull away. They are more solicitous of me, but don't seem to have the same connection. Statistics are statistics and someone beats the odds. You & Curt have just lost your cheering section, which, while depressing, doesn't mean anything to your actual life. Let me know if you want any medical research done. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1398 Registered: 3-2002 |
I know it's dumb of me, but I'm pissed that time gets wasted waiting for authorization to do a needed test...I know you are making good use of the time to figure out questions to ask etc., but jeeze louise - it's not like this is getting botox or something. Cyn, I remember (I think) talking to Curt a few years back about decorative painting - could that be? And if yes, then he had some really fantastic creative ideas happening. Anyway, I'm wondering if he would ever be open to a visit to talk about his art & his ideas...to be about something other than a guy fighting cancer to someone not in his family ('cause I know he's much more than that to you all)...would love to chat with him sometime if he's open to it - whenever. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2757 Registered: 9-2003 |
Hey, doulamomma. Yep, that was him. I think you guys were talking about painting shutters or somesuch? That was when we first moved here, and he had done a all-walls mural for someone's nursery (like old maps, sailing ships and so on). I imagine he would be open to such. Right now, we await The Next Move and seeing how that flies. I do manage to not think about it all the time at work (work as therapy, hey! I should pay them). Greenetree, on research. One thing that interests me is info on folfox with avastin, repeated rounds. Sort of anything that's know about that and long-term debilitation. Related, and I wish to christ I knew an expert: I would like to know why the doc says he may not get stronger/gain weight. I'm past emotionally frustrated and into intellectually wanting to know. Exactly what is going on with all that food going in and is there really nothing that can be done about it. Last I was reading, I was reading much about how for AIDS patients and others, their wasting is often what does them in. Curt doesn't have AIDS, but what is it about latent cancer, or the chemo when the cancer not present that so impedes strength gaining. In layman's terms, of course. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2758 Registered: 9-2003 |
Just got the first round schedule delivered to me. Gonna talk it over with him and see how we'll go... Wed May 17 12:20-5:15 Big fat dose of fun Thu May 18 2:00-4:30 Pump on Fri May 19 2:00 Pump off | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 3340 Registered: 9-2001  |
Cyn: I hear that acupuncture can help with weight gain in AIDS cases--wonder if it would help with Curt? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2759 Registered: 9-2003 |
Dunno. I'll ask. There had been, last summer, a reluctance for him to do anything non-medical involving needles. I guess, more broadly, I wish I could find something I could understand that would better explain how/why nutrition aspects of metabolism get so upset. Most of the stuff one finds focus on loss of appetitite and issues around not taking enough food in. But why, if you do, does it not convert to muscle, fat etc. I just don't get it! Sort of figured out the first week. Plea for a "working at home" day Wed to drop him off and pick him up. Cab plus me pick up Thur. Just tired, and waiting to see what all this brings. He's watching some PBS like show about how babies develop. Me, I'm fatigued due to brain overload and wishing I knew more than I do (and of course wishing I knew it would all come out well). *sigh* Shell-shocked I guess. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3315 Registered: 9-2003 |
Well damn.. talk about a sucker punch. I'm so, so , sorry to hear this. ESL is correct - I've heard that acupuncture can help cancer patients - nausea, pain control.. havent' heard about the weight gain, but it makes sense. Also understand why he would be adverse to needles though. I really think homeopathic treatments are worth exploring. Wish I could get BIL to visit an acupuncturist - I'm sure he would be much more comfortable if he did. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2294 Registered: 5-2001 |
That just absolutely sucks. Have you tried googling 'malabsorption and cancer'? I know it is quite common. I also wonder (and I think you and I batted this around a bit some months ago) whether the repeated surgeries/biopsies/polyps have reduced the useable surface area available for absorption (I don't know how many of these things took place in the small intestine, where the majority of nutrient absorption takes place). | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2760 Registered: 9-2003 |
Well, I've written and rewritten my memo to the docs, and pl-wise enlisted greenetree's opinion. Monday I'll fax then call each. As I probably alluded to in some archive or other, what it appears to be is cachexia, a wasting syndrome such that despite more than adequate food intake means that lean muscle and strength enhancement does not increase. A bunch of factors. It is not about his surgery, or the surface area of stomach etc. I'll bore you all with the text of my current draft, below, which also notes some of the therapies being looked at in the literature: ----- To: Drs. This, That, The Other One Re: Curt's Cachexia and Upcoming Chemotherapy We need to do everything possible to maintain his strength and reverse – if possible – this wasting syndrome he seems to be in if he’s to have a good outcome from the next chemo. What continues to strike me is the pattern of weight loss between March 2005 and the present (see spreadsheet). This persists (1) when not undergoing chemotherapy, and (2) cancer is not detected. It does not seem related to the surgery as he maintained more weight/strength in the 5 months after surgery. Dec 2004 – Feb 2005 While not a healthy weight, please note that Curt’s presurgical weight averaged 190 lb. Yes, he lost weight after the surgery. We understand that and less surface area for absorption. But, I think you forget that he was not “a thin guy” before surgery nor in the months right after. Mar – May 2005 Based on the record, his weight hovered around 145 lbs last Spring, prior to and during 5-FU cycles, even though he experienced loss of appetite/ diarrhea. Jun – Aug 2005 When his cancer, recurred and folfox with Avastin cycles began, his weight dropped considerably (159 to 120 lbs), apparently due to loss of appetite/diarrhea. Sep – Oct 2005 Physical breakdown and hospitalization. Don’t know his hospitalized weight but I believe it may have been 105 lb or less. Nov 2005 – May 2005 Recovery. Weight range is 113 – 120 lbs. Please note: Curt eats a lot. He eats frequently. He eats high quality protein, etc. His lack of weight, strength and energy gain has nothing to do with his intake. I would like your opinion on consulting with: 1. A nutritionist expert in cancer and AIDs (not some mealplanner), a serious specialist such as saw him in the hospital 2. An endocrinologist (or whoever it is that specializes in metabolic matters) I’ve been reading about the following possible strategies, and seek your/their opinion: 1. Creatine 2. Cardiovascular drugs (e.g., statins, ACE inhibitors) 3. Macrolide antibiotics 4. Anabolic agents (i.e., androgens) 5. Amino acids (cysteine) 6. Omega-3 fatty acids (specifically EPA) with low doses of vitamin E Curt is feeling quite gung-ho about the chemo and we are far from giving up. We need you 3 to consider what we can do to maintain and increase his strength so that he may best withstand the chemotherapy. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1403 Registered: 3-2002 |
Unless at a birth (no way to know, obviously), I can drop off/pick up Thursday - I know you worked out your schedule, but let me know if this helps. Also, I can suggest complementary folks (acupuncture etc.) if desired. Have heard good things about mitake mushroom extract for supporting immune system during cancer treatments - I'm sure you have looked into all of this though... | ||
| joy Citizen Username: Joy Post Number: 453 Registered: 5-2001  |
Consider Diane Rose, natural balance, in the village for massauge (sp?)- she is wonderful and also can suggust complimentary treatments (mitake mushrooms, other herbals.) | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2761 Registered: 9-2003 |
I don't mind telling y'all I'm scared. Curt passed the night pretty horribly -- all the signs of a food blockage. Too many of same in the last month. I'm staying at home, calling the onco and the gastro docs. I'd like to get him checked in to the hospital with everyone looking at him in one "convenient" place. Yesterday, brunch, driving the Chevy, some laughing, some resolve, facing the next chemo round. Me with my memos and pursuits. Today, feeling like we're near the end of the line. Just miserable. Got to wash up and take the kid to school. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2298 Registered: 5-2001 |
Can't blame you for being scared and miserable, Cyn. It's a scary and miserable thing you've been going through. If you'll feel safer with Curt in the hopsital then push for it. If it helps to think about it this way...you're not any closer to the end of the road than you were yesterday. You've been through a difficult and worrisome night - probably because of a blockage. This is fixable, no? Good luck and let us know. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2762 Registered: 9-2003 |
Don't know, Deb. CATs and PETs show no physical/mechanical blockage. Their are 2 lymph nodes with cancer, one near the liver and one near the aorta. Given frequency of blockage like experiences, yet no mechanical prob, I guess I'm thinking there's something about the digestive process (enzymes, Christ knows) that is being less efficient than was. Doesn't seem to correlate to specific foods eaten and is highly unpredictable. Part of me would love to just check him in to the hospital and bring all expertise to bear simultaneously. He would hate that -- unless he felt as he did last night. A little better this morning but he asked me to stay home so I am, and getting on the phone. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 1406 Registered: 3-2002 |
Ugh - do you need help with anything? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2763 Registered: 9-2003 |
Nah, nothing practical. Dr. Welby would be good. Waiting for doc offices to open mostly. Seems to me something non-mechanical associated with digestive processes is f'ed up. Enzymes? I dunno...he's trying to sleep on the couch but neighbor's lawn guy is there with blower. Whatcha gonna do? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3317 Registered: 9-2003 |
BIL also has problems in that area - his wife, the nurse, says it's due to damage done during radiation - things don't move quite like they did. Did Curt have radiation at any point? | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2300 Registered: 5-2001 |
SoOr - I've been thinking about you. How is BIL doing? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 3318 Registered: 9-2003 |
Ups and downs at the moment - the chemo & experimental meds are wiping him out. Almost seems like one of those "if the cure don't kill him.." scenarios. On the other side of the coin - he has been experiencing hypoglycemic episodes... diabetes was the first indicator that there was a problem with his pancreas and he's been getting insulin shots - well.. it appers that his pancreas has started to produce some insulin (hense the episodes) and when the took the last count a week ago his cancer count was suprisingly low. Still waiting for the PET to see if all this means the tumor is smaller. A glimmer of hope.. but we'll take it. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2764 Registered: 9-2003 |
SoOrLady: I was thinking of you and your BIL, too. Sure understand "if the cure don't kill..." Curt got an x-ray this a.m. (nope, never had radiation as his had been operaable) which showed nothing unusual. Right now, he's at Overlook starting his chemo regime 3 days early. Nothing definitive to say, though I do need to return now the gastro's call. Onco seems to think it could be the lymph node with cancer (near his stomach and liver) creating pressure of some kind. I left him in a chemo chair, with more percoset in him. I am actually happy about this as one of the things that gets dripped on the first day is a steroid which always makes him feel better. Just got out of jury duty, which was to start next Monday. Now to figure the rest of the juggle. Right now, kids, my biggie is a pick up - wait - bring home on Wed at 12:20. This is when they take off the pump. I'm working at home today, and (provided he feels better) can come home early tomorrow to take him to tomorrow afternoon's. But this Wed is a challenge. ANy takers? Would probably cost you from 12 to 1:30... | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 3440 Registered: 5-2001 |
I think I can do Wednesday. Email me (sac07040 at yahoo) or PL or call if you still have my number. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2765 Registered: 9-2003 |
Friday, a lower GI series (duh, why not previously?). When I asked about creatine and other such stuff, I could palpably feel the onco and the gastro jointly putting me in the "desperate cancer housewife" category. Like I'm ready to marinate him in wheat grass or something. Annoying. I have a call into Curt's GP, who's a sports medicine specialist, to hear what he might have to say. For give me for being somewhat traditional and conservative, but I'd kinda rather here some recommendations from a doc who's open to alternative/supplemental rather than bringing a bunch of stuff to the doc. Just tired though. Curt's sleeping on the couch, after Round 1/Day 1 of chemo. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 7677 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - I'll look things up for you today. SOL, that's good news. And the damned truth about the treatment. My mom's 9 hospitalizations in as many months were all because of the treatments. Exhausting, wonderful, sad weekend. Planted the garden on Saturday. Yesterday morning, we woke up to rain and the gutters overflowing into some of my freshly-planted pots. Mom said that the condo association would be coming to clean them, but my hard work was not going to waste and these flowers were not going to die. So, there I was at 10am, on a ladder in the rain, cleaning her gutters. TS took her to the greenhouse while I was planting because she was missing lemon verbena (you have nver seen such an herb garden). Needless to say, we carried a big bag of herbs home on the plane. I don't know why we can't get things like hot & spicy oregan around here. Sunday, we went to the lake; it was fun. I thought that mom would get a chance to hang out with BF after dinner & talk, but she was tired so we headed home around 7p. That night, after TS went to bed, for the first time, she wanted details about what the doctor told me. She asked if there were other options if this chemo didn't work; I told her that he didn't mention any the way he usually does. She said "so we're doing this to control the symptoms?" I told her that yes, but also to slow the spread. It's the first time we talked about the fact that she is going to die. I started to talk to her about the brain scan, but I just couldn't. She's doing OK now and her memory, while bad, isn't worse. Normal Guy and TS think that I'm wrong and that it should be her choice. They're probably right. But.......... It was so hard. She asked me how my brothers are really handling it; I told her - to a point. She told me that I'll handle it the best. Sometimes being known as "the strong one" is no comfort whatsoever. She didn't ask when, but she asked "how bad". I told her that the liver lesion doubling isn't good, but that her doc said that her cancer isn't big enough to cause her any symptoms. Her physical problems could be recovery from chemo and radiation from last year. I reminded her that, even if she were cancer free, it takes the body over a year to recover from that trauma. I asked her if she is scared. She said no. She doesn't know why; she just isn't (the main reason I didn't bring up the brain thing). She just doesn't want to suffer and I promised her that we wouldn't let that happen. She said "you've had me longer than I had my father." I said "That doesn't make me feel better. Besides, I'm never going to get over the French Bread pizza." We both laughed. Family joke; when Poptart Guy and I were still living at home, she was a poor student raising kids on alimony and child support. By the time the 3 of us older ones were gone, she was a very succesful business woman. Baby Bro got all the name-brand treats we couldn't afford, like French Bread pizza and Oreos. Years ago, my dad had given my mom this amazing platinum, sapphire and diamond ring. I used to love to put it on, especially when she was getting dressed to go out on a Saturday night. A couple months ago, I was sitting in her room while she was getting dressed (some things you are never too old for) and put it on. I said "Remember when I used to do this? I always loved this ring." Saturday night, we went out for dinner to celebrate my B-day/Mother's Day. Guess what she gave me for my birthday. I cried when I opened it and I'm having a hard time now just writing about it. |
