| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4080 Registered: 5-2001  |
I'm home. I'm home!! Got in late last night & TS can't understand why I don't want to run errands with her. ?????? It's time to let my mom fly on her own. I have this need to be there every moment, for every doctor appointment, every chemo, to make sure she eats. If I do that, the cancer will go away. But, I can't and it won't. She has to have her own inner-strength. She called this morning to say that the radiation oncologist called to find out why I cancelled her radiation. I told her to tell him that I didn't cancel, I postponed. Now that she is clearly eligible, she can go ahead. A couple funnies: Saturday morning, my brothers had made an appointment at the storage facility where mom put most of the furniture when she sold the house (15 years ago, but that's another story). She wanted to go. They were picking her up at 9:30a. At 8:30, she was meandering around the kitchen. TS sent her upstairs to shower and get dressed. At 9:00a, TSD found her in her study, looking for wrapping paper for her granddaughter's b-day present. TS sent her to shower. At 9:55, while she was putting on her make-up while my brothers were yelling at her that they were now late, she turned to me with pitiful eyes and said "Will you please explain to them how important it is that I look good when I go out and how it makes me feel"? Being the good, supportive daughter, I replied "No one begrudges you looking good and we all understand how it makes you feel. I think we are concerned about the hour you spent f-ing around before you finally got in the shower". "Well", she replied, "if you are going to get technical....". See what I'm up against? Apparently, one of her long-term clients had been trying to reach her for a week (he didn't leave a message - I was checking her office VM every day) and finally got her on the phone on Friday. He chewed her out, saying, in 15 years, you've never dissappeared like this. I hope it was something pretty major. "Well, Greeneclient", she responded, "I seem to have cancer and had to have some surgery this week". Her overly-solicitous client replied "It isn't like you couldn't see this coming. How many times has everyone around you told you to quit smoking"? This is the funny thing. We all know what we are facing, and what the odds are. No one has been shocked or surprised. I am amazed at the people who have rallied around her and the outpouring of love. She really is the richest woman I know, if you count the people who she can count on. But every one of them has the attitude of "Well, we kind of knew this might happen, we wish you would have quit, it's water over the bridge, let's do what needs to be done and kick butt. What do you need and what can I do"? None of her friends or clients pity her (which is different from feeling bad, sad or scared for her) and everyone seems to be able to joke with her about it. She's joking right back, which is good. My brothers thought they would help her by taking all her bills and paying them. She sat one down last night and very kindly explained that she is not an invalid and would prefer to do this herself. The same brother and I had our grandmother change her will to protect any assets that mom might inherit so that she wouldn't have to spend down for Medicare or Medicaid. We told my mom who said "I love you for thinking of my best interest, I agree that asset protection is a good thing and do you realize the tax consequences of what you just did"? Oops.  Mom is a financial advisor, and specialized in stuff like this. So, we made a deal. I will stick to medical stuff and working the insurance system, since that is what I do best. My brothers will take care of the business aspects and legal things, because that is what they do best. Mom will continue to pay her own bills and manage the financial accounts (or at least tell us what to do) because that is what she does best. Sometimes we trip over ourselves trying to be helpful. It's cancer - not Alzheimer's. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1259 Registered: 9-2003  |
I hear you on the idea that you can't be there for everything. And, you're not a rabbit's foot. Me, I put on this crucifix necklace that had been my husband's mother's (she was Methodist) for his surgery. It was just some kinda atavistic thing as I'm not particularly religious, and mostly protestant. Well, I got the willies about taking it off. I was wearing it all the time for like 2 months and I'm sure some folks at work thought I'd had some kind of conversion experience (but were too polite to ask). Too, my dad called me the night he died, from the nursing home. Yep, one of those Fridays. I still sometimes feel like had I moved a little faster I could've -- well, I don't really know exactly but it's that responsible thing. I often feel as you describe, about my husband. But, I hafta hold this job (and compartmentalize to be effective) and do ordinary things. I cannot keep people alive as if they were somehow in my womb, though there is the tempation to try. Tonight, my husband decided he could probably eat some fish in tempura (of all things). Ran out right away and got some at Samuri Sushi. Very fine, and hit his spot. That I can do (run for food). | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4084 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, my repeated mantra that she is "one of the lucky ones" has paid off. Only 30% of people with this kind of cancer get diagnosed early enough to be staged as "limited" & virtually all of the people who have fluid around the heart turn out to have it be cancerous (which hers wasn't). So, when mom went to get her radiation mapping this morning & the Tatoo Artist pulled out a needle (of all this, needles are still her biggest fear), she said "since I'm one of the lucky ones, do I still get to whine"? She was told "yes, you can whine". And apparently proceeded to do so thru the whole napping session. I was talking to her on the phone when I saw a CNN report about Peter Jennings having lung cancer. She said "what do you do, keep a list of everyone"? She asked if he smoked & I told her the article said that he had quit. She asked how long ago & I told her that it didn't specify. She said "If I find out it was 20 years ago, I'm not apologizing to you kids". She says she hopes that he is as lucky as she has been (in terms of finding it relatively early). Yup. I think I don't need to worry about her finding her own inner strength. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 87 Registered: 10-2003 |
Greenetree and Cynicalgirl, I know you have been very concerned about my sister's baby chihuahua, but I'm not up to posting just yet (you know: that old 'my husband left me on my 37th birthday' thing). Please, please do not worry - I assure you when I awaken from this nightmare I am in the midst of I will be sure to fill you in on ALL the details of my recent visit with baby Rudy the piddling chihuahua... Hugs and kittens to you both. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4106 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las- I don't know how to say this without sounding condescending, but trust me - I really don't mean it in that way. I gave my mom the old "you have to think of this as a new opportunity to do anything you want with your life and use the freedom of having your world come crashing down to decide anything you want to do next" speech. But, inside, somewhere, I thought "what a crock of ••••". I mean, deadly cancer with less than 50% chance of making it one year, husband blind-siding you and being a real SOB about it, etc. Does it get any crappier than that? How on earth do you turn that into an epiphany? I sure as hell don't know. But, I said it anyway, 'cause it sounded better than "OK, you are right. This sucks. Lay down and die". But, I was talking her today and she tells me she feels good. Really good. Better than she has in years. And not just physically, but mentally. She is liking her job much better, too. She thinks it's having the pressure of every day crap lifted & feeling free to go in new directions. I confess that I have no idea where it is coming from and what she feels like. I can only imagine that, in a different but similarly crappy place in your life, maybe you'll find something like that, too. Maybe this is one of those situations where you really do have to be there. Waxing philisophical over.... Mom calls me on my way home from work the other night. Are you driving? Are you alone? Are you sitting down? Sounds like her world is crashed and my heart literally freezes. What is it, already, what's wrong? I practically scream. "I just old off your grandmother". And proceeds to give me the blow-by-blow. Once I finish laughing, I tell her that she just can't do that to me. Today, she does it again. Are you in a meeting? Is this a bad time? "Mom, what's wrong"? "Well, I didn't want to ask you this with other people around. Can Nexium give you gas"? We had the little talk about leading off conversations with ominous questions. Then, I realized that when things really are bad, she tends to be very casual. Like her call to TS 6 weeks ago "Is Greenetree home yet? Well, I just came from the doctor and it seems I have lung cancer". So, next time she asks if I'm alone, driving, etc. my response will be one of two things: 1. What did granny do now - or- 2. Mom, I don't really care to discuss your gas. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1761 Registered: 5-2001 |
greenetree - you have to teach your Mom to say, "EVERYTHINGS OKAY, but I really need to talk to you, Greenie." I taught my German au pair the importance of starting conversations with this key phrase after a phone call that very nearly killed me: Helga: Debby, it is Helga! Debby: Yes, Helga? Helga: Mein Gott (in tears), something terrible! Debby: Helga! What is it?! Helga: I was taking the baby across the street...(sob)...and... Debby:WHAT?! Helga: We got to the car...(sob)... Debby: Helga! What happened! Helga: And I went to put the baby in the seat...(sob).. Debby: Oh God, Helga! Helga: And I closed the door but I didn't know the key was inside the car...sob... Debby: What about the baby?! Helga: He is in his seat. Debby: Is he hurt?! Helga: No. Debby: Why are you crying? Helga: I locked the keys in the car, and I don't know what to do.  | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4108 Registered: 5-2001 |
 Oh, Lordy, Debby. That's pretty funny. I'd tell my mom to read your post, but if she knew that I was blogging her GI issues, she'd kill me. Although, I'm probably safe, since she wanted to kill granny a couple weeks ago, and I asked her if she really thought she'd get decent chemo in jail. Right now, the thought of being treated in the prison health care system is keeping grandma safe. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1260 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, I had that same accidentally-locked-the-baby-in-the-car experience when mine was a couple a months old. Didn't have all my moves down regarding grocery trips! It was awful! Guys, this has been a tough week, hence limited posting. I know my husband is in the belly of the beast chemo-wise, and that on top of his gastritis, post-surgical aches and pains etc. has made my house a hell-hole. A very low ebb, anger and alienation flowing around. Most days, after a particularly hard day in a particularly hard week at work, well, I wish I didn't have to come home to a different set of issues. Right now, I'm sort of hoping for a dry weekend so I can vigorously engage in yard clean up. I need to get physically busy to extirpate some of the negative energy in me. Meanwhile at work, the male managerial IT environment is just a tad cowed by me. They've all been particularly useless, theoretical, awful and in my role, I'm obliged to get things done and force questions towards next year's budget and similar. I've channeled a fair piece of my home-related anger into stern, macho dealings with them. As a result, everyone's respect for me is high. I'm kinda like, in tone, Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar: "I wash my hands, of your self-destruction, die if you want to you misguided martyrs..." where die reads as "lose work/contracts." All week I've dressed to the nines, worn eyeliner and heels. Tres S&M. But then, they're a bunch of passive-agressive AV nerds gone wrong. We have communications that are just as hair splitting as the Clinton Impeachment hearings. Then I come home, put sweat pants and a t shirt on and flop with a beer. Jack Welch, eat my dust. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4110 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - Oh! Can I relate. On bad weeks (and I confess this has been a good one), I look people in the eye and calmly say "do you understand that I have a lot of rage and need somewhere to focus it"? Sometimes, it is good to use your powers for evil instead of good. Just don't do any insider trading & you'll be fine.  | ||
| Spare_o Supporter Username: Spare_o Post Number: 220 Registered: 9-2003 |
Cynicalgirl--I'm going to have to take lessons from you! I am one of the few women in a large IT department also. Your post made me chuckle - thanks! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1763 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenie - ya don't think you're Mom wants her farts broadcasted on the world wide web? | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 2021 Registered: 5-2001 |
CG - Having been in IT (though never having gone through the spousal chemo, etc.), I'm in awe. But, I think that was Pilate rather than Judas. | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 6225 Registered: 1-2003  |
Cynicalgirl, will you please be my boss? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4113 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - You need to wear a button that says "Live in Fear". Debby - I just got off the phone with mom. She has informed me that her hair as started to fall out, but it is not from her head if ya know what I mean. I told her I would be posting this info on the Web & she told me she'd kill me.  Somehow, I don't think she'd mind the other issues so much after this post. Mom doesn't know about MOL. If I ever completely dissappear, you'll know that she found out. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1765 Registered: 5-2001 |
Wonder if they make "Chemo Sucks" panties. (God, I hope I don't get struck by lightning on the way home) | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4114 Registered: 5-2001 |
Are you kidding? She'd love it. I may have some made up for Mother's Day. And, I don't know why she sounded surprised. One of her thoughts on hair loss early on was that she wouldn't have to shave her legs. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1766 Registered: 5-2001 |
My friend's husband underwent chemo last year, and she said one of the oddest things was that he lost his eyebrows...she said she could never tell what he was thinking. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1261 Registered: 9-2003 |
sac, you are RIGHT about Pilate! I always get that wrong (but I love the song). Thanks to all who were amused by my IT Dominatrix thing. I wish I could say I looked like Angelina Jolie, as that would really fit what I was going for. It's remarkable how well the take no prisoners approach works with these kinds of emotional midgets. And it really, really did get to the bottom of some crud to do with "page dotting" and versioning and all kindsa crap. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4125 Registered: 5-2001 |
I am really pissed off at people who think they need to get their 15 minutes of fame and don't think about the effect it has on other people. Mom called yesterday & tells me that she was driving home from the drugstore & a talk radio show had on a doctor discussing small cell lung cancer (what she has). He said that chemo doesn't work on SCLC & there is not much to be done. She turned it off. So, she calls me. "Why am I going thru all this if it won't help" "Because it does help. Don't listen to it. I don't know why he said that". "Why did he say that? You are just saying this to make me feel better". "No, mom, you have limited stage. He may have been referring to people who have extensive metastisis. Then it helps alleviate symptoms and extends expectancy a few months". "Are you sure"? "Mom, I've read every medical article on the treatment and staging of SCLS published in the last 5 years. If I thought that was all you would get out of it, don't you think I'd have you signing up for clinical trials"? "OK - I guess so". So, here's a great big, heart-felt F- you out to all those wonderful "experts" out there who feel inclined to get their name on the radio/tv/in print without thinking about how it affects the people who actually live this & aren't just some medical record or subject number in a blinded study. I'm sure that Peter Jennings, whose illness has brought these bottom-feeders out of the woodwork, and his family appreciate it, too. Do you think we don't know our odds? Do you not realize just how fragile a positive attitude can be? Do you not consider the fact that even someone with the strength to face their illness has days when it is hard to be strong? On a lighter note - mom's heart surgeon recommended a book about living with hope. She tells me that she started to read it, but it seems kind of schmaltzy, feel-goody and that she wants me to read it first & tell her if she should read it. "Why should I read it if I already have a good attitude? What if it makes me think about something I hadn't been thinking about & then tells me how to feel better about it"? That's mom. Even if that radio jerk did bring her down a little. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1276 Registered: 9-2003 |
If it's that book by the surgeon guy, tell her to keep reading. My husband read it and quite liked it. And it's a fur piece from the typical self-help book type. Yeah, I hate that -- every news fool skimming the surface and making noises. The only useful thing they've done -- and I guess Katie Couric did it really -- is get people to get examined for stuff, and maybe raise some physician awareness. Many people treat my husband and us as if we're in a fatal place (different from the one we're all in, that is). It's true that it's not easy, and some days/weeks royally -- er -- stink, but I don't mostly feel like that based on the information I have. Yeah, we need support but it's not like we're a reality show on Lifetime... |
