| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4134 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las- just one reinforcing thought after meeting you IRL: check his/her teeth for blood and skin!  My suggested criteria for choosing a lawyer... Also, I agree that choosing a focus for your rage is good, but don't necessarily agree with Duncan that another person is a bad choice. My mom is letting out all the anger she's had at her own mother for the past 60+ years & it seems to be doing her a lot of good! BTW - we have a heavy bag hanging in our basement if you ever need to smack the S*&% out of something... | ||
| Lydia Supporter Username: Lydial Post Number: 1110 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las - I posted on the thread in "please help", I didn't realize your blog was right here. I loved meeting you, Algebra's get-together was just great, perfect balance of rage and humor and just a bunch of gals getting together and telling war stories. Loved Mem's devil tail on the picture of the ex! I hope you think a bit before packing up and leaving the community. It makes sense to leave the house if that's what you need to do, but starting fresh without a foundation of familiar friends might make you feel isolated. When I split from my ex I re-painted our apartment and made it mine. I listened to a lot of old music I loved and songs that I could just scream along with ("You hurt me, I hate you" by the Eurythmics was a good one) I painted everything to erase my ex. I tackled one room a week - my ex was my ex and it was my apartment and I didn't want any remnants of "us" lingering. I still associate the smell of wet paint with new beginnings. You are a star Las, I hope you stay around this area. | ||
| ajc Citizen Username: Ajc Post Number: 3717 Registered: 9-2001  |
Share... Share.... Share..... I just noticed your Blog and I’m happy to see you’re in good company… Ya jus gotta luv MOL and this great community we all live in. Keep sharing Las! It’s good for the soul, and it helps others to know we’re not alone. For over a year now, Libby and I have been going through an eerie and similar experience with one of our daughters. This is all very new to you right now, but getting on with the new you as suggested by several others is certainly a step in the right direction. We would like to help you in that regard with a new DO at the Chelsea Set, and of course I would like to invite you to try some of my mind changing, self esteem building, smile generating, pancakes...  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 107 Registered: 10-2003 |
Of course, the broken heart of honor is the last to post a thank you. I had fallen prey to that serial lurking syndrome and couldn't write anything appropriate. You get stuck with this: Algebra2 - you are a gracious host. Thank you for opening your warm home for our ladies night and organizing the whole shindig, and for not only feeding us but then ordering pizza! I had such a fun time - yes, I said FUN. I can't believe you all made me laugh and chat - I will always be grateful. For the first time in weeks, I felt rich. I mean, friends, hugs, laughter, community - I thought I had it all a month ago, but it doesn't get any better than this. ajc - Wow. Thank you for your kind invitations. I'm so sorry to hear your daughter has been going through this, too. I'll be in touch because the ladies I spent Friday night with invigorated me to such an extent I think I'm ready to offer something back now. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2024 Registered: 9-2003 |
Gotta love Art - go for that banana pancakes.. they're yummy!! Sorry I couldn't join you on Friday - but it sounds like you were in very capable hands. Glad you had such a good time. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1133 Registered: 6-2001  |
I wish I could have attended the Friday night LNI (ladies' night in), and am so glad that algebra organized it and it was a great success. The ups and downs can be frightening at a time like this, but there's nothing better than FUN, yes FUN! and laughter to keep the downs in perspective when they hit. If there's another MOLLNI (or out), please keep me on the invite list. I'll bring the suction dart gun (great for shooting the TV, especially if a video of a certain bastrad is playing...). | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 111 Registered: 10-2003 |
The thoughts in my head go around and around and I think and I see and I fear and I ponder each step that I take and each move that I make and each comment I hear from the people who care. Yet because I am clueless and blind and don’t know the things that they say and they offer and share make me question my choices, for what do I know? So I listen and process and smile and nod then I frustrate and anger and curse at myself for not knowing the answers to the queries and qualms that I should be able to know at my age but don’t seem to grasp with a clue. It seems all the while I’m talking and listening and thinking and going through life I am not quite here and not quite there and not quite in between for I am holding and circling and wondering when I will find a place to call home. The one thing I have and I know it for sure is the anger inside that is expanding each day for the life that I had and that he threw away. The anger it comes and it fades in my heart but mostly it comes and it stays and it grows and it hurts me and aches me and it transforms my insides to jittery rocks and pebbles that bounce and echo inside where I used to be full. The anger it stems from the dreams that have died and the years that were wasted with someone who told me just days ago he hadn’t loved me since just a few months from the day that we wed. The anger has roots in the music I hear when I click on the iTunes and play the music that causes the love and pain in most people to surface and ache them on the best of their days, and I mourn for the music I’ll no longer hear for the artists and choices I cannot make sense of and fear in a decade I’ll still be listening to the same Top 25 Most Played Tunes he left behind with me. The anger it grew when I learned from the State that I can’t be a teacher without student teaching and they’re sorry there’s nothing more they can do. But I can’t student teach and do it for free when I need a salary to make it through and all this stress and angst reminds me I don’t want to teach but I do want to work for the children who need me and they are the children who have no one else to ensure that their schooling and reading and esteeming take place. And it came home to slap me so hard on the cheek and it pulled my soul down quite low in my gut when I realized at this point in my life I can do no better than the job I have now at least for the short term and probably long term and the folks who I work with for free on the weekends who don’t have so much in so many ways won’t get from me now because I don’t have spare change to spend on the things our special kids should have in their lives. The numbness is fading and I am moving forward and I am feeling more now than a few days ago and I’m leaving my cats in the house by themselves without promising them I’ll be back really soon. And I’ve made it through full work days for days now and won’t take off again ‘till I move and I've gone to the garden to clean up for the spring and peg my roses so they bloom in full force. I need a plan for I can’t go on blindly and it’s tough to progress when you can’t see where you’re going. But my cats, they are near me and my sisters they call me and my friends and my people are helping me through. There’s no way to end this – good night. | ||
| bella Citizen Username: Bella Post Number: 504 Registered: 7-2001 |
las- If I had the money I'd bankroll you so that you could do your student teaching. It breaks my heart that I'm not in a position to help. I don't usually say things like "I'll pray for you" but tonight I will do just that because you shouldn't have to give up so much at one time. I wish that I could do more. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 678 Registered: 12-2004  |
las, glad to see you're still here, posting so eloquently in your blog. It's very late and I need to get to bed, so I can't read it all right now. But I promise to read it tomorrow. Hope you're doing O.K., although, based on what I saw this past Friday night, you're doing way better than I would expect to be, were I in your shoes.  | ||
| Me2 Citizen Username: Me2 Post Number: 113 Registered: 6-2003 |
Las, what about a teaching position in a small parochial school where certification is not required? Wouldn't that satisfy the student teaching requirement? ... although perhaps the salary would be too low. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1144 Registered: 6-2001 |
That is it. Up down, down Up, down, down, Up, Up. Isn't Up one of those weird words that loses meaning the more you read/type it? There are so many ugly stages in life. Losses that are considered profound and others that you're supposed to "just get over it!" You look at the people you're dealing with daily and it seems their lives are so Normal and Perfect and Happy. The truth is far different, for all of us are bearing some burden, yours is obviously heavier than some, but not all. I'm in a separation stage as well, being painted as the evil influence and described by my TGSNMMIN (thank God she's not my mother-in-law) as schizo, manic, BPD, whatever fits the info my beloved confides to her (and it's every last detail of our relationship, something which drives me all the way to her descriptions above). I'm a child abuser. I'm the "nightmare you're living with". It's really painful and it makes your situation so relevant and why I cry whenever I read your posts. I can't believe I'm posting this. But enough is enough. And it's getting to be too much. BTW, I am not a child abuser. I have 24 neices and nephews and 3 pseudos. I must admit that I'm closer to the elder generation (now 27-15) than the youngsters, but I kind of place that blame on the time I've spent in this 5-year relationship. Wow. I can't believe I'm going to post this. I'm too busy at work to read MOL any more and the only time I seem to have is late, late night. Got to get up at 6:45 and face the world again, so I'll close. Las, be proud of yourself. You're really doing the right thing in sharing with us. Just make sure you are absolutely confident that any property/school/settlement decision is not based on angry reaction to nasty treatment by the bastrad, but rather by reflection by you on what is best FOR you. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4172 Registered: 5-2001 |
G'morning Las. It's another day. Hopefully a better one, but definitely a different one. Hang in there. The money will sort itself out - this is just a temporary situation. One battle at a time, my dear. It all will work out.  | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 112 Registered: 10-2003 |
I love this Board! Thank you all for your kind, supportive words. bella: your offer to bankroll my student teaching (if you had the money) is the penultimate! Lately, when people say or do nice things I cry. You made me cry. meand: I emailed you yesterday (not p/l). me2: Thank you for the suggestion. I've been attending grad school for three years, and all this time I have held a strong opinion against teaching before certified. But I started thinking along the same line as you somewhere between 3-4:30 am (if I'd have checked your post, I could have been sleeping by then). I have already emailed a professor of mine who can either provide advices or point me to someone who might. Dear, sweet bets: I just looked up 'up' in the dictionary (Webster) and their definition 1.3a is: in or into a better or more advanced state. It is a silly little word, but it comprises nearly a full column in my book. I have been reading your words for years and have never had any doubt as to your kindness and sincerity. You are definitely in a more advanced state than a lot of people, as demonstrated repeatedly by your posts and compassion. I am here for you, too. I private lined you - please let me know (here or via p/l) if you don't receive it. greenetree: You would know that the new day is a better day... | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 843 Registered: 8-2003  |
las - your eloquence blows me away. I feel as though I am on this rollercoaster with you and I need to catch my breath. this is a wonderful forum to pour out your emotions. I know in the months and years to come you will read this blog and feel a sense of awe at your own ability to persevere. keep going, girl! (BTW - your gathering at Alg's sounds like a fabulous time. Sorry I couldn't make it. Hope to make the next one!) | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2040 Registered: 9-2003 |
Las - your post was amazing.. I don't know what you plan to teach - but I hope it's creative writing. Eleanor Roosevelt said, "You gain strength,courage, and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face." I think posting on MOL is not only cathartic, but a good way for you to give a name to your fears and "look them in the face". Glad to read that today is better. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 113 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thank you, Pippi for your kind words. But you should know it' not my words that are propelling me forward, it's yours. SoOrLady, you are right about the posting being cathartic, but not so much in terms of what I have to say, rather, reading what you all write back to me. I don't think I am facing fear, however. I am doing the opposite and cloaking myself with people and activities for fear of what will happen when I am all by myself. I know this isn't the end of the world, and there are people all around me going through much more horrific things than this - good lord, I spent the evening with a 10 year old whose mother died two years ago (she was just 8 years old!) - she's brave and faces fear. Me? I'm losing sleep while trying to figure out what cell phone company to use. SoOrLady, I'm going to work with our foster children as their special ed advocate. You see, when they change placements no one ensures their school records are forwarded or they get the services they require in their new school. That's just not a job that exists. These kids will know that whenever they are moved Mrs. las will come to get them situated. Oh - bella and Me2: I connected with two of my advisors today who are looking into pre-certification teaching options for me. I will keep you posted. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1155 Registered: 6-2001 |
That's not right. You should advocate a policy change for this on a state-wide level (I'm assuming DUFUS is involved). It sounds like a passion for you and it could be your niche and your life preserver (and your preserving life for others). Just a thought! Thanks for the P/L and email. Every little bit helps. | ||
| Just The Aunt Supporter Username: Auntof13 Post Number: 954 Registered: 1-2004  |
las- Maybe you can get a student loan to help tie you over while you student teach? Maybe you can find someone to share your house and expenses while you student teach? I'm not sure if you've mentioned it or not, but were you working before the %^&* left, or attending school full-time? I'm not sure where to look, maybe one of the women's groups will know, but there used to be something called 'Displaced Homemakers' that helped women whose spouse left them get back on track. It included helping them train for a skill, while making sure they were able to cover their expenses. Try not to rush into any decisions. Here's an idea, take out a loan for the amount you think you'd need to survive while you student teach, against the equity in your house! Then put the money in another bank, in another county. Talk to a lwayer and weigh your options. | ||
| bets Betsy Elizabeth Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1205 Registered: 6-2001 |
Las, post it! My current theme on repeat play: I HATE MYSELF FOR LOVING YOU!! I forgot to tell you about it, it's Joan Jett, and tho not applicable to my situation specifically, the chorus really rocks and manages to keep my focus on the road while driving. Post! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 125 Registered: 10-2003 |
The people around me who see me and hear me and know what I used to be like say my voice sounds stronger and I engage in small talk and make eye contact once in a while. When they ask how I’m feeling I say I don’t know and they tell me I’m doing okay and they’re proud of the work and the things that I do and tell me I will be alright. What I find just so strange and I notice the most is how sensitive I am to the beauty and love all around me wherever I go, and the kindness of people who offer me help always knots up my throat and brings tears to my eyes and makes my heart ache so. You see in my old life I loved to give and to share with the people who needed things more, and my hobby on Saturdays was to make arts and crafts with some folks whose brains don’t work like ours and I’d spend lots of money on quality stuff because no one should make art out of crap and the parents and caregivers would come fetch their loved ones and know under my guidance they created this art by themselves with their souls and their will. But since my world changed and he walked out on me and the money’s not there for so many things I just didn’t know how the program could stay when there was no money for supplies. Then yesterday came and two of my bosses to thank me for working for them gave me the gifts that made me cry and I cry again just writing this. They each gave me gift cheques and adding them up we now have arts and crafts through June! I just can’t believe that they gave me those cheques I’m so lucky and rich and I have so much and I don’t have to quit my volunteer job. And the parents will come and they’ll drop off their kids and the vans will drop off other folks and I’ll set up my arts and crafts table and chase after some of the autistic boys who hate when I’m near them and hate to make art and I’ll make deals and I’ll barter and plead and the day will end and their will be art for (almost) each to take home. Gift cheques. Pretty neat. |
