| Author | Message | ||
     Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 5546 Registered: 5-2001 |
Glad to hear it. Days like that are unfortuantely par for the course and to be expected from time to time. Hopefully they will get less and less frequent as your husband's condition improves. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1363 Registered: 9-2003  |
greenetree, I meant to tell you (tho' I was drowning in my own crap) I had those same experiences with relatives not wanting to pass me anything as I was not likely to "set up a proper household" aka get married and have kids. I was the twice divorced, careerist, wild child. Nonetheless, I was expected to do the kinds of things you find yourself doing, the dish wrapping, stuff sorting and so on. Afterall, at the time I didn't have a husband and kids! IT STINKS! You got my symps fer sure. There'll be a special place in heaven (hopefully sooner) for offspring and others who do the kinds of things you're doing for your mother and grandmother. A really good place, with margaritas maybe. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4320 Registered: 5-2001  |
Well, I must say it was a very nice weekend. Grandmotherf-er was in rare form. I spent an hour (with my brother) Saturday morning packing dishes & another 1.5 hours on Sunday (I ahd to pick her up for dinner, anyway) because we hadn't brought enough boxes. This is the take: 1 complete set Wedgewood for 12 1 set Limoges demitasse & dessert plates for 12 2 complete sets of antique crystal, one with matching finger bowls 6 silver-plated serving platters of various sizes. The infamous table with extensions and 8 chairs. Once complete silver coffee/tea service. Seafood h'ors d'oevres dishes Various silver serving implements One set silver dinner plates. She sat there and told me who gets what - no rhyme, reason or equity involved. One sister-in-law's preceived snub resulted in a set of crystal earmarked to some who already had a set. Bro & I took everything back to mom's where mom divided it more evenly. Packed a lot up & took it to the storage place. If we need to sell it, it's there. Sunday while I was packing, she sat and talked at me: she told me how Baby Bro is no longer to get some of the things she had wanted him to have because 15 years ago, he came to town and stayed at my dad's house for 3 days before he called her (mom was out of town on business). I'm not kidding - he was in college. So, since he neglected her, he's not to get anything. Trying to stay less controversial, I mentioned TS's catering side business, since Grandmotherf-er loves entertaining. That launched a 10 minute lecture on how I had never told her this before and how I was neglecting her and uninvolved she is in all of our lives and a recent accounting of how long each of my brothers has spent visiting her with the great-grands and it's not enough time. Oh, and how lovely that TS likes to cook, but I'm fat and shouldn't be eating the food. When I said "I know I'm fat, but my blood pressure and triclycerides are good, I'm healthy so I don't really care", she said "That's awful. That's disgusting". Then, she went off on thinking about how much stuff each of us should get and told me that if my brothers wanted anything, they had to come and get it for themselves. Now, if I know my brothers, they will tell her to take her bribes and use them as an enema. I'm surprised that they bring the kids to her house at all. She does nothing but criticize them ("you are a bad little boy and stop talking like a baby" - to a three-year old). She's lucky she gets to see them at all, because if she was talkng to my kids like that, she wouldn't even have a picture of them. Cyn - I'm not going to heaven - I'm going to hell, because I'm taking everything I can get in case my mom needs it. And I have not one drop of guilt, either. So, Wicked Witch story over. Mom was in rare form. It's a little disheartening seeing her sick all the time, but she had good energy for a few hours each day and her appetite was back enough by Sunday that TS made her poached eggs for breakfast and steak, salmom, potatos and veggies for dinner. Mom is a little perturbed that TS isn't coming with me for the next chemo. ("But who will cook"? "I will, mom" "It's not the same as TS doing it"). Her mother's day gift was as follows: A sailor hat that says "Chemo Sucks" A baseball cap that says "@#%! Cancer" Undies that say "Bald is beautiful" A jar of vitamin E/aloe cream for the radiation burns A mini-butter boat. She has a butter boat fetish & needed a small one for her cream cheese. Don't ask. OK, ask, but it's not that interesting, just weird. Her hair is almost completely gone, except that she has little fringes that she combs down to stick out from under her hats. My mother wears a chem-over. She's always had OCD & been very neurotic about having everything just so, but it's gotten worse since she's started treatment. I understand it, but it's never a good thing when a neurotic person gets more neurotic. We now call her "Rainman". Maybe that should be changed to "Rainmom"? We took her to the nursery & bought more plants plants (Bro took her for Round 1). Mom has a small patio that she's transformed into a perfect English garden. I've always wanted to replicate the look, in fact. But, she can't plant (can't play in dirt nor does she have the energy). So, I made it my mission to get her garden in & get her patio set up before we left. We didn't get out of Ohio until late yesterday afternoon (it took me half the day Sunday & from 8a-1p yesterday to finish), but her garden is done. I made her get up at 9a & sit outside with her breakfast & tell me where everything should go. I realized that it's one of the first activities that we both enjoy that we've done together in a couple years. I told her & she gave me a big hug (we're not really a tearful, mushy family). No matter what happens, I'm glad that I stayed and did that. The look on her face when it was done & when she looked out the window later was one of pure joy. I haven't seen that in a few months. Then, just so you don't think it was a completely gooey moment, we had a fight about the alarm system we'd put in. All weekend, she was either too tired or too busy doing something else for me to show her how to work it properly. Then, she got mad when she had to leave for radiation & we were leaving for home and all she got was a crash course. Thank god - I couldn't take it if our relationship turned into a Hallmark card.  | ||
| eliz Supporter Username: Eliz Post Number: 1044 Registered: 5-2001 |
You are going to heaven just not the bird-singing, dress-flowing heaven. You're going to the other heaven, the fun one where they serve margaritas and your favorite kinds of wine, as much fattening food as you want (calories really won't count!) and it will be filled with the most funny and interesting people. It's the "We're not mushy/gushy heaven". | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1366 Registered: 9-2003 |
Greenetree, perhaps what your ma needs is a tattoo... That moment you described is priceless. It's the good thing you get, I think, when you give someone exactly what they want as opposed to what you think they need. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1368 Registered: 9-2003 |
BTW, in the heaven eliz describes, I'll be the tall Gilda crossed with Joni Mitchell person, sitting on a barstool next to the register, smoking a Balkan Sobrani. I'll be bracketed by Harrison Ford and Gregory Peck, who will be lighting my cigarette. The margarita will be straight up, no salt. When they dim the lights, I'll saunter up to the piano and sing "Cry Me a River"...My dad will be sitting at a small table in the audience, looking like David Niven. Y'all can come if you want. No cover. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4329 Registered: 5-2001 |
I will drink very dry martinis, with an occasional single malt, one ice cube and a piece of lime. I will have Rene Russo's body and share minds with Slyvia Plath and Katherine Hepburn. I will have Audrey Hepburn's wardrobe and will look even more fabulous than did she. When Cyn is done at the piano, I will do old standards. BTW - funny you should mention need/want. I remembered that, while at mom's a couple months ago, I found out that she only has 3 sets of sheets. Normally not a problem, but with all of the overnite help and visitors, that's a lot of laundry to do for a clean set of sheets. So, while my brothers are buying computers and looking at condos, I bought a set of sheets on sale and brought a set from ours (because we have a zillion sets). I also got a Shower Massage with the hose because she can't take showers with her catheter unless she has a hand-held. TS put it in & she no longer has to take baths (which she hates). Moral of the story - it's good to have daughters. Sons are wonderful and I love my brothers (one toliet broke and the very old bathtub cracked this weekend - my brother took care of it & wrote the check to the plumber without blinking). But, daughters just know when all ya need is an extra set of sheets. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 894 Registered: 8-2003  |
you are such a good daughter. Instead of having children, can notehead and I just adopt you? we're a MUCH closer trip than Ohio... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4343 Registered: 5-2001 |
Pippi - How much allowance would I get? Mom is out driving around, looking at condos. I shudder at the thought of having to pack her current place. And you know it will be me. Although, we may bring in The Cleaner aka Baby Bro. He could wipe that place out in an hour. Of course, he would throw everything away...... Actual conversation between him & me a couple years ago when he was helping me clean out our basement: "What's this"? holding up a heavy, cast iron Xmas tree stand. "It's a Christmas tree stand". "Well, it should go out". "No, it's a great stand, it's in brand new condition and was very expensive". "But you only use it once a year. It takes up space. Just get a new one with the tree". | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4353 Registered: 5-2001 |
Uh-oh. I knew this was coming..... I didn't bother to mention that TS made a lovely Mother's Day dinner for Mom & GMF on Sunday. I warned mom that if she said one word (she isn't supposed to know the GMF gave me all the stuff) that I'd kill her. She promised to "try". Well, mom did pretty well, but there was a show with dinner. Fortunately, it was near the end. The result was that mom went to her room, we took GMF home & mom won't talk to GMF. GMF calls her several times a day & mom won't pick up or return the calls. Of course, GMF has now called me to find out what she did that was so terribly wrong and why mom isn't returning her calls. I am Switzerland, I tell her. What about TS? Did your mother say anything to her? She is Lichtenstein, I reply. Thank god for Caller ID..... | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1859 Registered: 5-2001 |
Dinner theater in the Greenehouse...love it. can you send babybro down to Boca for a week? My house looks like "Where's Waldo?" | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4376 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby - I would if I could. Ever since he & his wife had the twins, he's been pretty useless. Poor mom - she's had such grace, dignity & humor - I knew the meltdown would come. And it is the Mother of All Meltdowns. We are now running on 5 days. She is having trouble eating because the radiation is making her esopheagus swell. So, yesterday, the radiation oncologist told her that she could take today off. She looked at him and said "so does that mean I'm getting better, since I can afford a day off"? He said "Oh, yeah, I guess it would be helpful for you to know that". "Ya think? You know, I really don't like you right now". She's not really talking to anyone - Baby Bro & Pop Tart Guy both called her yesterday to talk about the computer & condo, respectively. Apparently, they both got off the phone real fast. GMF keeps calling her and leaving her messages (which mom refused to respond to) & then calling me and leaving messages about the messages she's leaving for mom. I talked to mom's house cleaner this morning, who is ready to quit. "You now I'd do anyting for her, but I'm afraid to go over there". Knowing how mom has been this week, I don't doubt it. I told her to nicely say "Greenemom, I'm hanging up now" & do so when mom calls her & gets out of control. I then called mom & told her that I know it's really hard and she is entitled to her breakdown, but that she needs to apologize to the house cleaner. I called GMF and told her that mom is having a very bad week & to stop calling and leaving messages on her machine. I then called a local florist and am having a huge bouquet of mixed daisies delivered to her house this afternoon. This is what the card reads: "Just a little sunshine to brighten your day. But if you don't start being nice to people, I'm going to stick these where the sun don't shine. I adore you and love you, your daughter". I feel like I've turned into Dr. Phil. | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 635 Registered: 10-2002  |
I'd love to know what the florist's reaction was when taking down your message to attach....  | ||
| mjc Citizen Username: Mjc Post Number: 548 Registered: 10-2004 |
greenie, I visualize you with GMF on one line and the florist on another, all the while typing your usual erotica with your other 2 hands. So much to do, all at once. AND your sense of humor has me choking on my tea several times a week. Wish I could do something practical for you instead of just standing back and admiring; PL me if I can. happy weekend - MC | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4383 Registered: 5-2001 |
Admiring is good. Extroverts like to be admired....  What's funny is that, on top of everything else, my office phone and cell phone constantly ring. So, I sit here with my headset on one ear and the earpiece in the other. People stand in my doorway and signal "are you on the phone"? I just say, no- it just isn't worth putting them off & on again. All this & erotica, too! And good news, boys and girls! My erotica program is expanding. I will now get to type about multiple penile issues. Who knew that life could be so bountiful! Lil - the florist was hysterical while she was typing. I must be honest, my original intension was to have it say "shove these up your •••" but I was a little nervous about that, talking to someone in Ohio. Then again, I think the play on words was better. It did work - mom called, laughing, to say thanks. She sounds much calmer. I don't think it's just the flowers; I think it's also that GMF will not be calling her for awhile & her day is just getting better. I asked her if she grovelled to the house cleaner & she said yes. She went to get her Procrit shot & they called her in a prescription to help her throat. And - this is disgusting, so you may not want to read it - one of her friends is bringing her tuna-noodle casserole (her favorite) for dinner. So, she is in a much better mood. BTW - we had taken pics when the whole family was together last month. I'd had them developed & put on CD. I took them to a local photog last night who did some amazing photo shop correction work - even inserted a good pic of one niece perfectly into a group shot. Evened out color, etc. He told me something that I didn't know. If you want pics on disc, take them to Cosco & ask for a high resolution CD. There will be many more options to play around with size, etc. and the resolution will be much, much better. I got the film developed at Maplewood Camera & the disc was very low resolution. I didn't know to ask for anything specific. Happy weekend to everyone, too. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4384 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh- lest you think I am being too hard on my 88 y/o grandmother.... When I called her this morning, I was very nice (always am, to her face). She yammered on & on about what she could have possibly done to upset my mother. I even started to feel a bit sorry for her when she said "No parent is perfect. I know I made mistakes, but I tried my best". But, as always, GMF does not know how to quit when she's ahead. That little tear-jerker statement was followed up by "and no kid is perfect either. Look at your mother...." and launched into all my mother's faults. Hell, I know she ain't perfect. After all, she's my mother. But damn! She's your child.  Am I being unrealistic here? I don't meant that I think that parents should never get mad at their kids or anything that crazy. I just have always thought that if you have 'em, you should love them thru thick and thin and be there for them in tough times. Being childless, am I missing something? I told mom yesterday that she shouldn't think that I've been patient with her because I'm being condescending or pity her. It's that, when I thought she might not be around for very long, I realized that I'd actually miss her. She said "••••. I think I'd get more mileage with pity".  | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 925 Registered: 8-2003 |
I think you've probably been more patient with GMF than most people would have been... I might've slapped her by now  happy weekend to you, too | ||
| mjc Citizen Username: Mjc Post Number: 549 Registered: 10-2004 |
I just have always thought that if you have 'em, you should love them thru thick and thin and be there for them in tough times. Being childless, am I missing something? greenie, no, I don't think you're missing anything here. What you said is what my (imperfect, believe me) mom taught me and what I'm trying, however imperfectly, to practice with my kids: The person and the relationship are always more important than the situation or the failings. Too bad about your GM. Sounds like she's so intent on getting her needs met (that may never have been met) that she doesn't even notice anyone else's. enough psychobabble (but it's what I really believe) cheers - MC BTW, no reason to shy away from mentioning tuna/noodle casserole. It's my favorite too, though I dare not say so in NJ using my real name. | ||
| LilLB Citizen Username: Lillb Post Number: 637 Registered: 10-2002 |
A) My mom used to make Tuna Noodle casserole all the time when we were kids - she hated to cook and this fit the bill of what she could make (and it was cheap too, which helped). B) You're not crazy. It's one thing for your GMF to tell cute stories about your mom, it's another for her to rip her to shreds in front of you.... She's trying to control what you (and everyone) think of her - if you can hear all the evidence of what she had to put up with in your mother then you must clearly see that SHE is a good mother despite all of your mother's faults... She clearly doesn't feel very good about herself to have to go through all that daughter-bashing to be ok.... I think you must also be thinking about how much those words of hers would hurt your mother and given all she's been through, it's enough to make you angry. I would be pissed too. (But take this with a grain of salt, as I'm neither a therapist nor Dr. Phil, so who knows....) But heck - it's the weekend....throw a margarita under the grains of salt and enjoy. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1383 Registered: 9-2003 |
greenetree, you might enjoy the movie Monster-in-Law, which I took my daughter to last night. Not because the Jane Fond figure and a few others are replicas of your nearest and dearest, but for some of the family dynamic that turns up later. Also, did you ever see Home for the Holidays???? Marvin's room? I've become quite the movie fiend during the current seige, and a little too expert at appropriate movies (esp comedies) against real world stuff. On your GMF. I think LiLB's analysis is right. At the same time, I have found that one of the toughest parts of growing up/older is realizing the extent to which some of one's relatives are incapable of fulfilling the "job expectations" assigned by their role. In the end, the job may have been a poor fit. Your GMF sounds to have certain things in common with my godmother, about whom I posted some time back. Some people just aren't up to the job we need them to do. Tough part is not being bitter about it. But, the bitterness hurts us more than it hurts them so good when one can dispense with it. Psychokillers, q'est-ce que c'est? |
