| Author | Message | ||
     Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 649 Registered: 5-2003 |
Las; You go, girl! You are getting it together. One thing that those a--ho--s don't figure on when they leave us is that we might actually get to enjoy living without them. My husband and I were separated for nearly a year--his doing. After the initial shock wore off I began to enjoy: having the whole bed to myself, moving all my stuff into his closet, eating when, what and if I wanted, seeing whatever friends I wanted whenever I wanted, only doing my own laundry, throwing a really big party or two without him, watching what I wanted on TV and having the remote all to myself, not picking up after anyone else...etc. When he wanted to come back, after several months, he was taken aback when I needed time to think about it. We've been back together for ten years, but the whole experience made me become a lot stronger. Whether you and your a--h--e get back together or not, or if you eventually end up in a new relationship, this will end up being a growing experience for you--it already is. Bless you! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 141 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks for the pep talk, Lizziecat. I hope when things clear I can appreciate things like you learned to do. I've been leading the insomnious life of late. I woke up at 4:28 am MONDAY and have been awake ever since. It seems every little thing becomes a very big thing when it crosses my path. I've been getting less and less sleep and it seems when I manage to doze I have disturbing anxiety dreams that haunt me all day. But I don't feel miserable, so if my anxiety wants to manifest as sleeplessness as opposed to a horrible feeling in my gut, I'll take the insomnia. Today I came home to find a For Sale sign on my lawn. I knew it was coming, with my lawyer's blessing I signed the sale agreement. I just never contemplated having one of those signs on my lawn and seeing it was so painful. I called my realtor before I even went inside. There were two boys selling candy waiting for me on the sidewalk while I cried on my cell phone to my broker that there was a For Sale sign on my lawn. It's just another piece of the life I loved falling away. I was still crying when I hung up the phone. The two boys came forward to sell me their candy. They recited their sales lines and in my old life I would have bought anything from a child who had the courage to go door to door. But seeing that For Sale sign on the lawn of my home, my dream home where I should be living with my husband forever, I was just too sad to buy cheap candy. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 836 Registered: 12-2004  |
My heart is breaking for you again, las. What a horrible feeling to come home and see that sign there. I'm so sorry the pain is fresh again. I guess this is just another hurdle you will have to make it over. And, although it won't be easy, you'll get through this just as you've gotten through all the other crap you've had to deal with. I remember you said you felt you need to be out of that house to move on. I hope that's right. I'm sure that's right. Unfortunately, it won't be easy. Thinking of you and wishing you strength and peace. You've done so well so far, keep it up. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4330 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las- being a veteran of the insomnia wars, I can tell you that not sleeping will magnify ever horrible emotion by a factor of about, oh, say, 10. The longest I ever went was 3 weeks. But, by the end of the 1st week, everything made me melt down (like a broken shoe lace). It may be time to consider chemical intervention. Extended insomnia, especially in a time of tragedy, is a huge red flag. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 142 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks, Meand. I know once I'm out of the house things will start to fall into place. Greenetree - I'm on chemical intervention. As people on psychopharms know, there is always that delicate balance of what side effects and symptoms you can tolerate and what you can't. My insides are generally calm, so I don't want to add another RX to the mix. Having not slept the first 23 years of my life I can tell this insomnia is more about my pending move than general despondency. My cat, Al, on the other hand, has been a wreck. The boxes must be freaking him because he has been sh*tting his brains out all over the place. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 893 Registered: 8-2003  |
las - I am sorry - that must have felt like a stab in the gut. Are you planning to move out before the house is sold? I hope so. I think the quicker you get out of there, the quicker you will focus on your new goals and your new home, one that you will make ALL yours. (well, yours and Al's) I hope it will feel safe and bring you much comfort. | ||
| doulamomma Citizen Username: Doulamomma Post Number: 360 Registered: 3-2002 |
Las, I've been trying to think what I can do to help, in a real way...so: I read above that you are not at your volunteer positions right now - but do you still need $ for art supplies? I'm having a garage sale this weekend (with several other people - you are welcome to join too - Fri/Sat) & would like to donate a portion of my proceeds to your art-making kids or to any cause you see fit - let me know what you think is best. xo K | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1453 Registered: 6-2001  |
Liv, I'm so sorry I've been so ensnared by the election that I missed your post from Saturday. It's funny, I almost called you for the promised mudslides but was too jumpy in my own skin so did errands and slept late and digested all the negative stuff from the "other side" and this joke election that I couldn't summon up the courage. I know we spoke tonight, but I want you to know how brave you are, I have so much more to say to you on the subjects we discussed, you are going to be so much better off (as will I) once we get over the mountain(s). Cats are funny critters and mine is going to be pissed that I'm going away this weekend, but my niece will be here and she spoils him more than I do. Tuesday. Let's make it a date. I'm dying to see the house. And catch up. But you know you can always call/email if you need to. My cell will work in the netherlands of Maine, I hope!! Bets | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1454 Registered: 6-2001 |
Oh, and doula, please let me know where I can send a donation for the art supplies. I won't be in town this weekend, so will need to know who to make it out to/where to send, etc. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1458 Registered: 6-2001 |
Las, Cross-posting this from another thread, it's helped me and I hope it helps you. My boyfriend at 17 (my "first"), quoted this to me in a letter sent during a summer he spent in Texas with his sister: quote: Move me on to any black square, Use me any time you want, Just remember that the goal Is for us all to capture all we want (Move me on to any black square) Yea, yea, yea. Don't surround yourself with yourself, Move on back two squares, Send an Instant Karma to me, Initial it with loving care Don't surround Yourself That has stayed with me for 20 years now, in my pain at the separation that happened in that situation, it was so obtuse on first reading but then finally sank in. We remain friends to this day. It's really good advice. I'm going to cross-post this to las liv's page! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 143 Registered: 10-2003 |
“What if I wake up to find our life together has just been a dream? How will I find you?” I asked him one day years ago. “I’ll be right here. At 10 P. Avenue in Maplewood, NJ. You can always find me here.” __________________________________________________________________________ I found a new home and I’m leaving real soon it’s a place I feel safe and can heal for it’s got sunshine and wood floors and stairs up and down so the cats can chase one another all day. But it’s not my house nope it’s not my home it’s a rental in the town next to mine. And it doesn’t have the windows of wood with six panes of glass over six panes more and it doesn’t have the perfect sconces in the bathroom like the ones in mine that I searched for for weeks and sent to have dipped to match the chrome of the faucet nor does it have the charm and the soul that made my house a home. But it is what it is and it is where I’ll go to start my new life and to mend. So today I went there to get acclimated and to clean it and make it my own, and I cleaned and I cleaned like the ladies I paid in my old life to make my house shine and the water I used was so hot that it steamed up my glasses and scalded my hands. And I worked on the crud in the corners that nobody scraped or scrubbed for years and from under the radiators I sponged up the hairs of the other renters that lived there and the tub it had scratches and the finish was dull so unlike the new one I currently own and I realized with sadness it might be some time before I take another soak in the bath. And the fridge – oh that fridge – how I scrubbed it and used all the strength that I had in my arms till I realized it’s not all just stuck-on-top dirt but the finish is gone from the wire mesh shelves yet although it’s clean and it no longer smells I can’t bare to think that some day my food will rest inside. I’ve been packing my things in the most random way too blue to believe I am leaving my home and things like the wedding dress I made ten years ago and the Katubah that said in g-d’s eyes we are wed. These are things I won’t need in my new life ahead, they’re the past, they’re the things that were then, and I’m trying so hard not to simply transpose this life to the next place I go because my life now is different it isn’t the same so I shouldn’t make it look like it is. One moment I’m fine and the next I am not and the next I am doing okay and the people around me who do nice things to ease my pain without fail make cry with each offer of kindness and I wish I could stop but I can’t. You see I know that my nerves no longer reside on the inside of my skin, they now are on the outside and when someone reaches they touch my nerves and I weep. Today for a short time I felt okay I was out and buying things for my place and this was the very first money I spent since he left me way back when, and holding that cash and buying those things like I hadn’t a care in the world made me think for a moment my life was okay I was way back there in March. Last night I slept for a two hour patch and that feat simply lifted my spirits and I worked so hard doing cleaning today that I’m hoping I’ll do it again. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 895 Registered: 12-2004 |
Your writing is so real and I feel your pain and I wish you weren't feeling it. But, as always, I am so impressed that you are able to put one foot in front of the other and move down this new road you've found yourself on through no fault of your own. I hope you are able to see and appreciate the strength you have within you. I wish you a good nights sleep very soon. | ||
| sbenois Supporter Username: Sbenois Post Number: 13575 Registered: 10-2001  |
Dearest Las, If you really love those sconces and can get past the memories they'll bring, I'll come by and take them out for you. Do you have a place to put them in the new house? | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1873 Registered: 5-2001 |
ess - that is just the kindest gesture I've ever heard. | ||
| Me2 Citizen Username: Me2 Post Number: 139 Registered: 6-2003 |
Las, Just wondering... can you speak with the landlord about having the tub reglazed... and perhaps splitting the cost (about $300)? Some long soaks might do you good. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1391 Registered: 9-2003  |
las, get a sleeping aide! I go through this, too, but all the crap is easier to handle when you have had some rest. Tylenol PM, or the version called Simply Sleep. Ambien from your doc if it works for you. Benadryl's antihistamine is useful in a pinch. The cleaning activities are a righteous drag, but sometimes physical activity is helpful-er than paying someone to do it (tho' I'm gathering that you cannot just now). I cleaned the bejeezus outta my house this weekend and the endorphins are flowing...I think that reglazing idea is a good one. Anything you can do to restore some niceness to your life...buy some fresh flowers, and maybe some herbs for near your windows...nice smells help. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1472 Registered: 6-2001 |
I just got back from my sister's graduation in Maine and am sitting her on my porch enjoying the warm temperatures and someone else's wireless (it was 48 degrees when we [two sisters, two nieces, a brother and me] left Maine this morning). I was going to post something to you, Las, but my cat just brought me the present of a live garter snake, so I chased him away, I'm shutting down my laptop, and going out for wine. Will post more later! Cheers!! (and EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!) | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 144 Registered: 10-2003 |
Doulamomma - such a kind offer. Thank you. The weather was lovely yesterday - I hope you had a successful sale. Bets, thank you for outing my new first name. Now I won't have to go through the effort of telling everyone I am keeping my last name but changing my first. Don't surround yourself with yourself. I think I get that. I'm glad your back, I'm petrified your fluffball found a garder snake so close to where I live, and I can't wait to see you on Tuesday. Meand, people have been begging me to take my piano with me, they keep insisting I will start playing again once I leave the house. So happens, there's some space in the new flat. So today I packed my music and once I start playing again Youandtheboys are cordially invited to come over for lessons. Sbenois dearest, thank you. I can't take the scones, they belong with the bathroom. But I will always remember there was a time in my life when I had a designer to whom I paid lots of money who showed me the difference between nickel and chrome. And I know I'm so fortunate to have had a new bathroom. Me2: Everyday when I get out of the shower my cat, Sydney, gets in the tub and rolls in the warmth, then when I kiss her goodbye she's all damp. If she does that in the new place, I'll take a bath, too. Cynicalgirl: Thanks for my new favorite term: Righteous Drag. The place I am going to is really quite nice, it's the kind of place people would want to live if they didn't already own lovely houses in M'wood or SO. Sometimes when the heartbreak sets in I lose sight of how fortunate I am and rich I am and how I really don't have it so bad after all. Tonight my next door neighbor gave me a mango and I cried. People can be so nice. | ||
| sbenois Supporter Username: Sbenois Post Number: 13576 Registered: 10-2001 |
You can't even take scones? That's rough. How about the english muffins? | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 1473 Registered: 6-2001 |
ess (thank you for that, Debby!), I don't think las liv is worried about muffins, sorta like I didn't sit my graduated sister on my porch to enjoy the balmy climate  . Las, that was the fourth time my cat has tried to gift me a garter snake. When you meet my friend that used to live across the street, ask her the story about my snake dance on her front stairs one fine spring morning. It was the first time ol' 8-ball brought me a snake, and I'd foolishly left the back door open while cleaning with music on. First time he got a garter snake inside the house, I flew outta here like my feet were on fire. T does a great impression of my hysterics (soda should have a good time with that one) that led to her husband and son coming over to "relieve" the situation, patrol the perimeter, and proclaim the area snake-free. The second and last time 8-bauble got one through the door, my ex was here and dealt with it (icky icky eeewww eeewwwwwwwww!!!!). The other two only made it as far as the deck, but still, there were snakes involved. I'm looking forward to Tuesday too, and hope to get to see the new place as well. I'll try to call tomorrow, but found out when I got home that a very dear friend suffered a burst appendix Friday night and is hospitalized. I plan to visit her after work, then go to the South Orange Board of Trustees meeting to see my friend Eric DeVaris sworn in, as well as new trustees Stacey Jennings and Terriann Moore-Abrams. If you'd like to join me for that (I promise it'll be fun!), just let me know and I'll call & pick you up on my way there. I gave my sister an opal and diamond ring for her graduation present. I knew as soon as she e-mailed the good news in February that I was going to do this. It's what our Mom would've given to her had she been able to attend. Sis loved it but there's a quite funny story about subsequent events. I'll tell you when I see you. Over and out, gots to see what's going on over in SOS:MOL and SOS:MOL, Election Aftermath. Stay strong and call anytime, Bets |
