| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4916 Registered: 5-2001  |
Oh, I forgot. This is important. I have to go to the beach at 6am so that I can meet Candace Bergen. I'm hanging out on a beach in the Hamptons, around 6p, hoping I don't get arrested for being over 100lbs and under 5'7" in public. This guy walks by (he's probably some famous guy; I'm not very good at that) with a beautiful Portuguese Water dog. I ask him if his dog needs a brother. Without going into details, I tell him that my mom is sick and can't keep her Labradoodle. We chat about dogs, their needs, etc. He says "Candace Bergen has a Labradoodle. Maybe she'd like another one. She's usually here early. Ask Candace". So, if I get out of bed & manage to run into her, I may actually ask Candace. I just hope she's walking the beach in full hair and make-up. Otherwise, I won't recognize her. I'm pretty oblivious. The only celebrity I ever recognized was Dennis Rodman. Can't miss him & he stepped on me. I think I called him a "jerk". | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6006 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: You've made it through the first crisis and you will make it through this one too. They don't get any easier but you do begin to develop a sense of routine which reduces some of the stress. I agree with what others have suggested, try and enjoy your pampering and rest while you can. If you find yourself feeling guilty about being healthy in the Hamptons while your mother is going through the latest crisis in Ohio, don't be. She isn't alone, her friends are still there for her, its just that you aren't there at the moment. Remember that unless you are able to keep up both your physical and your mental health, you won't be able to be there for her (and yourself) when she is ready to say she needs you again. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 2190 Registered: 6-2001  |
Greene, You are amazing. You've handled not only your Mom's illness and those ramifications but are chief negoitator between Mom, brothers, GMF and others. You need and deserve a break, and by all means stay at your brother's if that's what it is. I really miss you, and hope that you'll think about coming back Saturday night. (If I'm being selfish, it's because I think you need it.) bets | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1644 Registered: 9-2003  |
I hope you do meet Candace Bergen, who not only has a Labradoodle, but knows something about loss. As a person who recently got a second opinion, just because: I say do it. The second opinion may have something new to say, or not, but having one is useful to your head. Sometimes it's just that the 2nd opinion has a different take, a different way of communicating, that let's you know more clearly what's going on, and what options there are. I know that for me, the second opinion agreed with the first -- but the fact that we got one, and that the 2nd doctor wrote the first, changed appreciably the way the first doctor communicated with us. Which made a big, big difference. [Plug]: I will always adore my GP, Dr. Eileen Klein, for hearing my distress and orchestrating the second opinion. Greenetree, that woman was as cool as you or me. When she saw me, she did not give me any crap about "taking care of myself"; rather, she heard that the source of my sleeplessness and headaches was legit, and she immediately got on the phone, called in some favors, and got the second opinion arranged. Dr. 2nd was young and a good communicator. He followed up with Dr. 1st, and Dr. 1st significantly altered the way in which he talked to us, what he told us and so on. We now feel way more informed and part of the treatment. So do it. Cheap at half the price. And take your weekend break and enjoy it. Sometimes, it's OK to be alive and feel like it's not going to change any time soon. I understand the guilt, I have it too, but this weird version of survivor's guilt needs to be put in its proper perspective. Yes, I often laugh while reading David Sedaris on the train, en route home to (some days) I know not what. But, my mind and my body need to be strong to support those whose aren't so, some days. You, too. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4919 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, I overslept both mornings & didn't get to the Candace thing. I lost in on the way home yesterday. We hit Manhattan and I couldn't deal with coming back to the real world. I need a vacation. I need to sit by the pool & go to the beach at 6p and walk for a week. Or month. Or..... But, today I regroup. Phone calls and second opinions to line up. When the alarm went off at 5:45a, I learned that Peter Jennings died last night. I've been wondering how he was doing. I knew he wouldn't survive long because he wasn't doing radiation. I am overwhelmingly sad for his family and ours. So, I am playing hooky from work. There are things to be done around the house & I think I can sketch out the presentation I have due tomorrow from my head from here. There is a big backhoe in the yard; they started pulling everything up and laying the foundation on Friday. I thought of Cynboy when I came home & saw all the patio stuff. I remember his Blog about it. Cyn, don't tell him about the backhoe. I don't want him to be jealous. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1656 Registered: 9-2003 |
Hey there, greenetree! Funny you should mention backhoes. Cynboy is not necessarily the corporate type, and at one point, his great desire was to buy a backhoe and just rent himself and it out. Not the worst idea! We thought of hiring one to do the work, but he was stuck on buying a rototiller.... Good for you on the hooky. Personally, I'm learning the value of little white lies at work, and adopting a breezier, more guy-like style to cover my occasional leavings early for personal stuff. This goody two shoes act ain't cutting it. Peter Jennings got to me, and did wonder how you'd feel. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2465 Registered: 9-2003 |
Greenetree - thought of you immediately when we turned on the morning news. Glad to hear you've taken the day to re-group - sometimes we just need to do things like that in order to breathe. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1918 Registered: 5-2001 |
Ooh - Peter Jenning really got me, too. The reporter said soemthing about "...since he was diagnosed in April" and I started counting the months on my fingers and started to cry. My boy gave me the best and longest hug with no words at all. It was exactly what I needed. | ||
| something witty Citizen Username: Buckneja Post Number: 174 Registered: 1-2003  |
Greenetree, now that we're at the end of the day, I hope you are now glad that you stayed home to take care of things for yourself. I've not shared too publicly yet that at some point (only God knows when) I'll be one of those people we've heard about lately who have been in need of an organ transplant, such as "Shari's" case of looking for a liver in NY. I hope that I don't get to the high status that Shari reached, but then again if I had a choice or control I wouldn't have developed my condition, nor would I even be listed. At times I find myself almost in grief at the thought of what's happening "to me" and "to" my family (or at least what could be). But I'm still functional, and so on we go. Maybe I'll remain on the good side of the cusp of a t-plant? Who knows what could happen? But yeah, LOSS. I've thought so much of it lately myself, and also found the news about Peter Jennings resonnating with something in me, too. That it struck a chord in me was surprising. Perhaps it was the time of night when I opened my eyes and saw the report, or maybe it was something deeper? So many of us have loss -- recent loss (or loss just seeming like yesterday), loss that still aches in the heart (or loss that is more in the "head" at this point), loss of what could've have been (or what we could never have or had but have to give up). I think we have all had loss-- and this is one aspect of being human that links us together (IMHO). Sometimes our loss is unspeakable, while others are best at divulging the state of loss moment by moment. I know some of you know what I mean when I say that sometimes I can hardly remember that eventually it gets better. I chalk it up to another common human experience (the "it's not fair" feeling). But when someone experiences loss, or expresses their fear of it, it brings us together. I think this is why news like Peter Jennings' death hits us all so hard. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4929 Registered: 5-2001 |
I am planning a vacation for me & TS. We are all coming to grips with the fact that things are not going in the most optimal direction. I am so scared for my mom. I talked to her today about a second opinion. She got really angry. I guess it's good; it means she is starting to process reality. I'd be pretty effing angry, too. I made an appointment at Rush in Chicago with a pulmonary specialist that does lots of research. She didn't want to go & I said it was OK, but that I wouldn't cancel the appointment until the end of the week. She told Normal Bro that she'd think about it. I think she'll go. The saddest thing is that we aren't talking about changing the outcome; just trying to make it easier and less painful. I'm perfectly fine until someone asks me how I'm doing. Then, I just start crying. My dad called tonite to check up on me. I couldn't talk to him. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it thru the day tomorrow. At the very beginning of all this, I went thru a period where I was sure I was losing my mind and would never pull it together. I just keep reminding myself that I've done it before and I'll do it again. And, most importantly, I will get over this. I am not the one looking at my own, imminent mortality. And I have so many other brave examples who have survived and healed - Bets, Duncan, others whom I apologize for not recalling names at the moment. TS lost her father very suddenly when she was just 13. That is, without a doubt, far, far worse. Forgive me for sounding so despondent. I keep thinking that if I get it out, the pain will go away. Quick - someone say something bitchy and irreverent, please. No "you are so strongs" tonight. I know I am. But, it still sucks. A well- meaning friend of mom's told me today that I am such a good daughter and that, no matter what, my mother knows it. I realize that she meant well, but for some reason it really made me want to scream. At the end of the day, being good, strong, whatever doesn't do a damned thing to change things. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1921 Registered: 5-2001 |
Powerlessness sucks. I think that's why you wanted to scream - the best daughter in the whole world can't save her mother's life, no matter how great and strong she is. A rabbi I love dearly once told me "The Serenity Prayer is a crock of ••••. When someone you love is hurting, you really, really want to be able to change the things you cannot change, not accept them." | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1660 Registered: 9-2003 |
Being good and strong is just a necessary pain in the ••• that separates a person from being able to worry about trivialities like other people seem able to (historical window replacement, the exact best place to get Thai, a bad parking experience in Maplewood). Some days when I read other people's postings in other threads, I just want to basically sh*t in their thread and say "stop! your worries and needs are insignificant! what I wouldn't give to be able to worry about such crap! And now, send me your money, or send it to cancer research. screw you!" Isn't that nasty? I think sometimes it is possible to OD on being strong and good. It's a drag...it's not like genetic, rather you're sorta forced into that particular greatness. See, I'm not always some kindly noble creature. There's a real petty, selfish bitch trying to get out...you? My inner child sometimes is a real bully! I'd rather be worrying about a bathroom redo, or getting highlights and wearing this season's peasant skirt, or exercising to turn myself into Barbie. I'd rather be self-ish, self-ish, self-self-ish than alla this crap. There, is that cynical and snarky enough for you? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1661 Registered: 9-2003 |
Is your dad/your mother's ex-husband of any help in all of this? I didn't know whether the nature of the divorce was such that in this time of need he might be of some assist. I know sometimes it happens. Didn't know if it might in your case. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4931 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby - I love that Rabbi! Cyn - quite snarky & just what I needed. My dad has been a rock & will/can/has helped with anything and everything. My stepmom took my mom to an appointment at my request back in June & pretty much saved her life by calling me & telling me that she wasn't doing so well. Right now, there isn't much anyone can do. Everyone is coming to grips with things. Normal Bro talked to mom again last night. She is now saying "maybe" to the 2nd opinion. He said that she's normal and chatty until the conversation turns to her health. Then, she doesn't feel so well. Can't say as I blame her. I am in total zombie mode today. Someone brough a new employee over to meet me & I perked right up like a Stepford Wife. GladtomeetchawelcomeaboardletmeknowifthereisanythingIcandoforyou. I have a meeting with my boss in a few. My weekly update. What did I get accomplished this past week? I got mom an appointment at Rush, arranged for her to visit the grandki-- oh. That's not what you meant? Oh - work? Well- not much, really. But thanks for asking! I am planning a vacation that we cannot afford but cannot not afford for the end of September. It will take me awhile to rebuild the frequent flier miles I was saving for Italy, but that's OK. I can get the hook-up at the Ritz, but that's in downtown Phoenix. So, I think I'll go for the Marriott resort. The landscapers are digging up my back yard as we speak. I am suddenly terrified that we are covering too much of it with patio and walkways. Funny how life goes on, isn't it? Obla-di, obla-da..... | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1922 Registered: 5-2001 |
greene - he's the best, and I really miss him. Mom broke down on the phone today. Two friends who have visited him in rehab think he's not going to come home and he will need to go into a nursing home when this is all over - the last month has been that debilitating. I called to get my Mom an appointment with the geriatrician so she can discuss all of these longer term issues with her. The receptionist put me on hold, and came back on and said "OK, we can see her September 21st". I I channeled my friend cynicalgirl, put on my male manager persona, and said, "No, that won't do. He is in rehab now where Dr. M does not have privileges, and the consult has to take place as soon as possible to ensure continuity of care." They will call me back with an appointment. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6033 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: It sounds like you have begun to mourn your mother. This is natural and to be expected with all you have gone through. It's best to just let yourself have a good cry. Cry all day if you need to. Wiggle the pain you are feeling until it becomes numb. You will feel much better for it and once the emotion has been drained, the logic/control impulse will exert itself again and you will be better able to carry on. I really hope all goes well with you and your mother. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4938 Registered: 5-2001 |
I'm in this very dangerous emotional place right now where I realize that life is fragile and everything is ••••••••. So, the bane of my professional existence is back from vacation today. It has been a day full of e-mails asking me to remind her of what an issue was about one more time. She's too lazy to read the e-mail chain. There was some confusion on a small issue this morning - we'd missed something in editing and now we have to decide if we want to pay the vendor to fix it or move on. So, she e-mails me 3 hours after we have decided to wait for the vendor's cost/time proposal. "Did you set up a meeting to discuss this"? "No. We are waiting for the vendor to tell us how much/how long. No need for a meeting". BTW - she's the type who would insist on being at the meeting, but can't make it until a week from never because she's so terribly busy. Fast forward several hours. She e-mails me: What's the decision? Typing very, very slowly so that she can follow, I repeat "w-e a-r-e w-a-i-t-i-n-g f-o-r t-h-e v-e-n-d-o-r.....". I wish. I typed normally. She e-mails back again: what will the change be? I reply "we will change the letter a to the letter b". It took every once of self-control I have not to end the sentence with "as you would know if you'd read the earlier e-mail, you stupid, lazy bitch". Aren't I wonderful? | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1669 Registered: 9-2003 |
Way cool, greenetree and Debby. Many times, I find, people both (1) take you at your own apparent valuation, and (2) respond quickly to bitchiness because it's easier/faster than the alternative. Sometimes you just gotta pull out the stops. Plus, which is a low blow but works, you can always pull a "mad mommy" roar from your lower intestines and make it known that you are dealing with life and death issues on other fronts and just WHAT kind of behindhole are they that they think their little needs are going to be met, right now. People quake when you do this, especially if you are not normally known for it. Any port in a storm...!! | ||
| marian Citizen Username: Marian Post Number: 720 Registered: 9-2001 |
Ok, here's my serenity prayer ladies: "Life can be s**t sometimes." Greentree, glad your planning a nice vacation. Get away and try to get away from it all while your their. F**k the money. Life's too short, you know? Cynicalgirl, good advice on the "mad mommy" roar. Actually used a version of it myself on the phone with my boss this morning. Works f**king wonders. He literally crawled away with his tail between his legs. I must remember to assert myself at work more often... Debbie, you go, girlfriend! Don't take any crap from the docs or their staff. Let us remember that they are working for US! i.e, last time I checked I pay them, not vice-versa. (Helps to remember that sometimes.) | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1923 Registered: 5-2001 |
I may have patted myself on the back a little too soon. Noone called back with that appointment  I'll call first thing tomorrow - after I drop the little darlings at school. | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 8954 Registered: 1-2003  |
greenetree, I think it's fair to say you feel she is not respecting your time. It is a professional situation, so it's a legitimate thing to be concerned over, both of you. A cow-orker once said to me, after asking him something twice, "the pleasure of answering questions is reduced after answering them several times" which was rather smart-alecky, but it made the point. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4939 Registered: 5-2001 |
No, Debby. It's part of the process. First, they ignore you. Then, they condescend. Finally, they give you what the hell you want to shut you up. Part 2 depends on lots of factors. Keep up the calls. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 2870 Registered: 2-2003  |
greenetree, I just PL'd you about AZ, hopefully you got it  I am so sorry for what you are going through, you need a break! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2479 Registered: 9-2003 |
It’s hard to breathe today, as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow. It feels like my lungs are trying to adjust to a different altitude – if only it were that simple. It’s a process I guess, all about this child, who was such a joy; this teenager, who was funny and mischievous and always willing to lend a hand and help where he was needed; this young adult, who had an innate need to give back and go the second mile; this Marine, for whom I prayed and who I now morn. It’s the unexpected sucker punch that leaves you breathless, and full of sorrow and pain and rage. Tomorrow I will see his parents. They have already been so incredibly strong in a media storm so aggressive that they have not had time to breathe themselves… and maybe that’s for the best right now. I have promised them a strong shoulder and I can not fail them. It seems 2005 has been a year of uncertainty and pain for many of us. Several of my family members have serious medical issues and this year just seems to be getting worse with each month. May we all find some sort of resolution and peace of heart along the way. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4944 Registered: 5-2001 |
Red- thanks- I PLed you back. SOL - I cannot fathom what it is like to lose a young person. I don't have children and can only have an inkling of what it is like to lose one. It is hard to conceive of the heart surviving that experience. Yet, people do it all the time, don't they? I hold on to that thought when I feel like I am going to totally lose my mind. "I'm not the only one; this will get easier". Doesn't always work. Hang in there. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1924 Registered: 5-2001 |
So, did any of you see "Wit" with Emma Thompson? It's playing on HBO these days. It's about a poetry/literature professor with Ovarian cancer, but all narrated by the patient. It struck me as cynicalgirl's blog from the patient perspective. I really thought it was excellent. Today my Dad headed back to the hospital - he has a blood borne infection (does that count as septicemia: positive blood cultures?) that keeps reappearing. He is going to be on vancomycin IV for 4 weeks. They are going to do a transesophageal echo (which is supposed to be absolutely lovely), and then insert a feeding tube because he's lost 30 pounds in the last month. I now weigh more than my father. Now I'm a big girl, but the man is 6'2". Ya know what kills me? The yo-yoiness of it all. I can't keep an outlook for more than a few hours at a time, because each time I call (about 3x/day) the story has changed. His mental status is particularly vulnerable to change within the same day. He runs anywhere from involved and somewhat conversational to absolutely dissociated. They call it "Alzheimer's related post-surgical psychosis". Ain't that a kick in the pants? My Mom's finally finding her gonads. The attending at Montefiore told her she needed to be faxed a listing of all the meds he's been taking at the rehab center. So Mom asked the attending doc at the rehab center, and the bitch actually said, "That's not my job". Mom walked into the medical director's office and let him know how poorly she had been treated, and how absolutely unacceptable it was. The man went pale. I don't know what he said to the young attending, but whatever it was she is now polite and solicitous and has a shiny brown nose all the way up my mom's butt. | ||
| wbwallflower Citizen Username: Wbwallflower Post Number: 78 Registered: 7-2005 |
Good for your mom Debby! I've been reading through all of the archives of this blog and have to say (and pardon my mushiness) that I admire all of you strong women. Life works in very strange, complicated ways and tends to jerk us every which way, but all of you seem to be standing your ground despite how rocky things may get. Please try to keep your heads up during these rough and crappy times... there are many of us praying for you and your families and wishing you the best. ps- (A little off topic) Greentree, you should send a picture of your fat cat to Ellen sometime.. (she dedicates a little part of her show to showing off the fattest cats in America) Silly but it made me think of you! Be well and take care.. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4961 Registered: 5-2001 |
Good for your mom! It will also make her feel a little less helpless in the face of all this. Parents aren't supposed to do this to us. I asked TS today if she thought losing her dad would have been easier if she'd known ahead of time. He dropped dead very suddenly at 42. He'd been sick and in the hospital, but was being released. Then I realized what a stupid question it was - she was only 13. At least I don't "need" my mom anymore. I'm a middle aged woman. Right? The landscapers are doing our back yard & every day it is exciting to come home and see what is new in the yard. Last night, I arrived to find Stone Henge in my backyard. There was a big circle of boulders. All I could think was that the landscapers were planning to either roas a pig or sacrifice chickens. I called my mom. She's the one I call when dumb stuff happens. As soon as she picked up the phone, I said "there's a human sacrifice altar in my back yard". Without missing a beat, she said "do you have anyone in particular in mind"? We chatted & got off the phone. On the way home today it hit me: at some point, she won't be there to call. Who am I going to call when stupid stuff like that happens? | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 2240 Registered: 6-2001 |
She sounds so much like my Mom, I wish I could meet her. Both lawyers, too! With the same last name! How random is that? I haven't posted here for awhile 'cause I don't know what to say. So I'll say I have the goods I want to give you and they've been in my car for a week. My car can't seem to navigate the route to you, even to just leave it on your deck! I'm ashamed but determined. Don't count me out. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1679 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, I highly relate to your post above. Not seen the movie you reference (and not sure I could right now, kind of avoid cancer movies). Role reversal can be a big thing. I experienced it with my dad, slowly, over time. But the weight thing, big time. My husband has always been a little shorter than I, though heavier. Now, he weighs 20 lb more than our 5' tall nearly 11 year old. I see him lying in the bed and it's hard to tell sometimes what's a lump of bedspread and what's him. This in turn relates to ideas of control, dependability and all that. I dunno. It's hard. Update around these parts: I often forget that he's been on Fentanyl patches for awhile for cancer related pain. They work very well, better than what he was doing, and they're an opiate. But, over time, they've given him shakes. He's trying to wean down the patch strength. This in part is why he can't drive, and also why his sleep is disrupted and other things. He has days with lots of twitches and tremors, tho less so since lower patches. Chiefly the twitches kick in when he's lying in bed, trying to sleep. He had a good visit at the doc, which is to say on the face of it, the Fulfox with Avastin seems like it may be doing something it needs to. Made all 3 of us -- doc, Cynicalboy, me -- feel a tad good. I, too, live in several day windows. Every day when I come home I don't know what I'm going to find is up with him. I try not to look back, and not to look ahead. Friday was something else. First thing in the a.m. the big tv in the living room, which is what he watches much of the day, was not working. Then, after being at work 2 hrs I get a call from camp that our kid's dental appliance came off/was loose. Took my trains home. Stopped long enough to make contact with BestBuy repair (who's allegedly coming today, can't believe it), made contact with the kid's orthodonist who saw her last night if you can believe that (if you ever need an orthodondist, Dr. Caplan is aces and a real gent). So, drove up to Dingman's Ferry PA for 2 hrs, got the kid, drove back went to the orthodontist. Now awake cuz I have the dentist at 8 a.m. then haircut and stuff, then drive kid back to camp. Return. I'm tired already. Keep trying to laugh, and succeeding. Little rays of kindness move me. The lady at BestBuy who offered the stellar service. The orthodondist who saw my kid for an hr on Friday night. All of you, and especially the various ladies who have offered rides for my husband. You are all goddesses. I will stay out of random postings in Education, though. Made that mistake this week. I'm not up for the fray, and I don't have a thick enough skin right now for the politics of it all. Too many people, in this thread, elsewhere in life have tough, real problems. I find it impossible right now to reduce things to matters of religion or race. The sport of it all, and people borrowing other people's experience to make this or that case wearies me, and doesn't help any one individual at all. It's been ages since I was willing to blame this or that aspect of my "lot" in life on my gender, or my mentally ill mother, or my parents' working-class-ness. The corporate "Man" has screwed me plenty, and still does, in some systematic ways but life is short and medical insurance is expensive. To the extent necessary, I put on whatever mask I need to to be effective and stay employed and get my husband care. Especially right now when, among my managerial cadre, I am older (the boys range in age from 40-46), female, and not quite one with their worldview (a bit white male yuppie). As a result, while I'm not them, I'm also not quite female to them in any traditional way they understand. I swear. I am tough. I am tall, and not skinny. I don't have time to primp. I don't do holiday baking. They don't have to worry about me, they feel free to make the odd "sexist" joke around me, or watch women walk down the street. I am tougher than anything with which they are familiar. I pretend ev-er-y day of my life that I share their intererests, their concerns (vacation plans, investments, restaurants, golf) and that my life is like theirs. Every day I put on a variety of masks to seem less different and more the same as they because groups like what is familiar, comfortable and same -- not what is different. greenetree, the only person with whom I am utterly myself, internally frilly and tough both, is my husband, and that is why I married him. He is the only man who never restricted me, put me in a box or had unnatural (to me) expectations of me based on my gender. And I make jokes/cracks to him like you do your mother. That's why I fear the loss of him. So, I may here and there jump in on Soapbox-All Politics when a national issue really gets me but I think I need to steer clear of certain stuff for now. Need to save my strength...onward to dishes and laundry! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1925 Registered: 5-2001 |
You always make me think, cyn. I can't even express it fully or meaningfully, but you always make me think and nod my head and utter words of agreement as I read your posts. And, re: Dr. Caplan - you're absolutely right. My kid's expander dislodged Halloween night (I swear it had nothing to do with candy), just as Dr. C was finishing office hours in Edison. He drove up and met us at 7:30 and opened the office to take care of us. A gem. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4962 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - have you tried a good temper tantrum about something totally stupid? Like you may have in your old life? I forget what it was about, but I did it yesterday. Felt kind of good. One of my coworkers just found out that her daughter has a horrible congenital disease. I think about the loss I am facing and the trials of others and I am grateful that I have not ever (at least yet) had to do this. My heart is breaking, but I know I will get thru this. I talked to mom today. She is preparing to go to Chicago tomorrow. She doesn't want to go. She's tired and doesn't feel well. I told her that we could postpone the appointment at Rush (or cancel) but she said, no, let's get it over with. I think she may be doing it for us. I was describing the landscaping and she said "you'll have to take pictures". I told her she'd see it in October. She said maybe. She's tired of being sick; it's been so long since she felt well. I said "you're tired of this, aren't you"? She said "Enough. No more". We both know what's coming. It's time to help my mom die with dignity and as little discomfort as possible. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 1926 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh God, greenie - I am so sorry it's reached that point. I hope Chicago doesn't knock anything else out of her. Thoughts and prayers for you - Debby | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1680 Registered: 9-2003 |
greenetree, I hope you all are wrong about this, and that your fears are not confirmed. But if such is not the case, I wish you all strength and support in the next steps (and especially, minimal family friction). I did not have a temper tantrum (there was no one to witness, which knocks the stuffing out of it somehow!), but I did buy every tabloid in the newsstand to distract myself with news of "Brangelina" -- Brad, Angelina and Jennifer. I find this stuff strangely soothing... | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6055 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree: I once read somewhere that life is a terminal illness and there is a lot of truth to that since no one has admitted to being able to invent/ discover/obtain immortality. The best we can do is to live each day not as if it were our last but as if it were our first. Here's to many more first days together for you and your Mom. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6057 Registered: 5-2001 |
Last night I spent about two hours speaking with the daughter of a dear and recently departed friend whose father (my friend) had just died after a prolonged battle with lung disease. I recommended that she read this blog to find comfort and inspiration from the bravery and compassion with which the four women who are bearing their souls on this blog are meeting head on the long term illness each is battling on behalf of a loved one. Thank you for both starting and continuing this blog. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4964 Registered: 5-2001 |
Joan- Thank you for your thoughts. Although, I have to say that I don't really think about my mom's situation in the same way I do the others. Lung cancer sucks & we knew from the beginning that it would take a miracle. Alzheimer's, well, I had an aunt with it and confess it is my greatest fear. OTOH, I've never heard that Cynboy is anywhere near "terminal". This process sucks and watching someone go thru treatment sure feels terminal, but what he has is different. I've known so many people who've beaten all kinds of cancers. Some types, like lung and brain, don't tend to be beatable. So, we share and commiserate and laugh here. But I don't think we are all going to end up in the same place. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend and we were talking about the new awareness of the reality of smoking. I was telling him about the young nursing student who, way back in March? April? said that watching what my mom & I were going thru inspired her to quit smoking for the sake of her kids. I hope that she makes it, because it would mean the world to me. More importantly, Cyn - you must read People. TS got me a subscription for my b-day last year. I used to read it only at the doctor's office, but that was a screen for my real desires for meaningless crap. Now, I have stacks of them in the..... library. Recently, the whole Brangelina/Jen thing has gotten lots of print. What I want to know is whether Maddox really calls Brad "Daddy". | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1683 Registered: 9-2003 |
nope, cynboy is not said to be terminal. The stuff metasthesized (or sp like it). Biggest pill right now is that he's trying to wean off the fentanyl. Theory is that most of the pain he thought was back was really cancer stuff. Fentanyl, while an excellent hardcore pain reliever, leaves you a tad dopey and other stuff. But, the coming slowly off it, or for now down to a lower level, is like morphine withdrawal as regards chills and some tremors. YECH! So, I am making him mild devilled eggs (a fave) and some crab imperial without the veg in it. Yes, I am fasinated by Brangelina. Jessica and Nick do nothing for me. Tom C and Katie -- nut jobs. Personal theory is that Angelina is a bit of a black widow, however unknowingly. Fits: father left mother and she had no control. Now, a bit doomed to prove to inner psyche that she can win men away from female partners. Pretty common. Plus, any hetero chick over a certain age knows that close emotional relationships with male friends can cross a subtle line that is a kind of adultery. Angie's fooling herself. Brad is fooling himself (and may be vapid). I wish she'd for real date Vince Vaughn. That's what I would do! Have you noticed how much the baby girl Angelina adoped looks like her? This is way more helpful to follow than Dana Reeves or Peter Jennings...when I got my cavity filled Sat a.m. I asked Dr. Fried to flip the channel to anything other than news. Just can't deal with it while getting drilled. I need the E! Channel | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 4965 Registered: 5-2001 |
TV Land is having a "Night Court" marathon. Check out Markie Post's hair! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1684 Registered: 9-2003 |
I like John Laroquette!!! But, my husband's dozing in front of some show about mummies. Just got done watching, on and off, some PBS fundraiser with Peter, Paul and Mary. Washing stuff in between. Nuthin' like junk television to drop in an out of while doing household stuff! And, like what else are you gonna do in this heat... Hey, I'm a big fan of the old show, The Equalizer (may be a tiny bit before you time -- an '80's show). Edward Woodward as the Equalizer: "Got a Problem? Odds Against You? Call the Equalizer!!!!" I'd like him to come over here and help me out! |
