| Author | Message | ||
     Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1737 Registered: 9-2003  |
Thanks, folks! As it happens, Hank Zona replied right away and was in the vicinity so he's picking up for me. Thanks wbwallflower! | ||
| wbwallflower Citizen Username: Wbwallflower Post Number: 150 Registered: 7-2005 |
Anytime!  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1740 Registered: 9-2003 |
A thought maybe some of you can relate to... I'm ashamed and puzzled to say, that at the age of 51, I've become -- a LIAR. Rather, I should say that I've accepting that lying is sometimes the better path through the morass. Here's what I mean: I am down to like 2 "vacation" days till the end of the year. These I will hoard for Major Family Emergencies that only I can resolve, right now, in the cynicalboy health vein. How to finess everything else that turns up that may cause 1/2 or full days away from work. Tell the truth? Nope. Lie. I grew up in a family where about the worst thing you could do is lie, especially to your parents, but also to other authority figures like teachers, ministers, relatives. And storekeepers. My first recollection of lying is when I swiped a piece of purple, grape flavored gum from an eye level display in our neighborhood drugstore when I was 4. My mother and I had walked there (yes, Virginia, people used to work to stores, and live near enough to do so, even in the 'burbs). On the way home, my mother spotted me smacking my lips and chewing. "What are you eating?" she said. Said I, shamelessly: "Grape gum." "Where did you get it?" she queried. "From Neighblough's." "Did you pay for it?" she probed. "Yes!" said I. Well, she knew this couldn't be true as (1) I had no pockets in my little flowered sundress in which to store money, and (2) I had no money. She marched me back to Neighblough's, directly to Mr. Neighblough, who was behind the pharmacy counter. I was ordered to tell the truth of my transgression, and offer the used gum. Mr. Neighblough had no interest in the gum; my mother paid for it, and when I got home I was sent straight to my room (in which there were no toys, at all) and told to remain there till my father got home. Which I did, because back then kids didn't through major tantrums when parents disciplined them. My father made me recount the story, after which he said (in sonorous tones): "I'm Very Disappointed in You..." I cried piteously because my father saying that, which I barely understood but I recognized the tone, was about the worst thing I could imagine. I adored my father, and he was Very Disappointed in Me. Anyway, since then, anytime I have lied (including fake sick days, fake orgasms, IRS stretches and similar) I have felt rather sick and doomed when I've lied. Truthfully, it's pretty selfish and not all that moral of me. More of a sin of Pride than Bearing False Witness. It's not the abstract moral principle that gets to me, but the sureness that I will get my comeuppence and it won't be pretty. I think this is probably the wisdom behind a lot of religious and other social practices inflicted on the less educated and innocent. It's not the principle one quite comes to grips with, but the general sense that you'll be caught and punished. Anyway. So, here I am with major family issues to address. Having observed my peers -- espcially the office Golden Boy -- I've come to the conclusion that the best way to navigate the calls upon my time and the corporate world is to lie. Lie in nice ways that my boss can understand, ways to which he can relate. Home heating systems on the fritz. Personal ailments of indeterminate origin. Meetings with "my accountant." Anything but the truth which is: My family needs me and I am the primary "caregiver." Yes, I have a life outta here and I am the caregiver. Sometimes I will choose them over you. Because corporations fear nothing so much as people who have dependents, not on their salary, but on their attention. Corporations are extremely jealous spouses. They can handle little vacations. They can handle personal illness. But woe betide the corporate lover who has another lover -- their spouse, their child or their parent. Little flirtations, while drunk, in the form of "personal days" are fine. Or, you can get a legal separation in the form of "Family Leave - Unpaid." But, lost weekends or weeks during which you devoted yourself to another, forget it. This marriage can't be saved. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5147 Registered: 5-2001  |
I stole a peanut from Mr. Bing's peanut bin at the produce stand around the same age. Same thing- when mom noticed my puffy little cheeks, I had to go back, confess, apologize and give him a nickle to pay for it. I totally understand. I work for a "family-friendly" company. I must admit that I have 5 paid family days per year, and that my direct manager has been stellar about letting me work from Ohio on occassion. But, I have found that "family friendly" means that my family is supposed to be more friendly towards my company. Unfortunately, my mom's illness has not maintained the apparently acceptable schedule. She should either be cured or dead by now, because patience is thin. Oh well. You see, I do not generally lie, either. But I look at things like this more like stealing. I do not steal, either. But I would steal a loaf of bread to feed my family if that were the only way. It took me years to realize what is most important in life and I don't give a rat's ••• if it doesn't match an employer's concept. I follow a weird little moral code - I don't right-out lie; I change time frames. I always use real life examples. It's just that they may have happened to me before this job or to a neighbor/friend. One useful one after bad weather is that the neighbors' tree came down across my driveway and I can't get out. | ||
| Rob Citizen Username: Rob07040 Post Number: 36 Registered: 7-2003 |
As a boss of mine once said "I don't lie to you. I may not tell you the truth, but I don't lie to you." | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1741 Registered: 9-2003 |
greenetree, somehow I knew you'd relate to this. People want people to either get better (within a particular time-frame, following all the advice everyone can give you) or die. Where I used to work, if the family member dies, you're supposed to grieve for: 1 week for a first degree relative. Anything after that you kinda need to have an official, doctor-approved nervous breakdown I guess. Then you can be out longer! I went through this when my mother died. In her case, it was less about grief than logistics. She died on a Tuesday night, so I took Wed and Thur to arrange funeral stuff. Friday was the funeral. Saturday we left for Kingston NY to spread my dad's ashes over the Shokane Reservoir (he'd been waiting in the closet for about a year). Left Kingston Sunday to drive up to northermost NH to stage a Russian Orthodox funeral on Monday. Left Tuesday to drive back. Got home Thursday, beat with a cold. Took Friday off. When I went to work the following Monday I learned that 5 days were Bereavement, 1 day was Sick, 2 were Personal, and 1 was Vacation. And this was a university (you know, liberal, nicey-nice, non-profit?) Rob: Too true. Honesty is a two-way street, isn't it? Given that corporations treat one like a live in with no palimony in sight, well, I guess I'm returning the favor. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6185 Registered: 5-2001 |
When you agree to work for an employer, you generally find yourself agreeing to a contract under which the employer will pay you so much in salary for which you will agree to give the employer so much of your undivided attention per week. In many places, it seems to be more about the time commitment than the product/service you are expected to produce. This expectation makes some sense if you are in a direct contact type of position (surgeon performing an operation, customer service representative dealing with walk-ins, etc.) otherwise there should be some room for time flexibility. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5149 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thanks, Joan. That cetainly clears everything up. Rob - do I happen to know this former boss? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2534 Registered: 9-2003 |
Cyn - wow.. you got a whole week? I work at a University. We only get 3 days for a first degree relative. They also decide for whom you can grieve. Augie Schroeder was near and dear to my heart, yet, as a non-relative he did not merit a bereavment day. I could have lied and said he was my uncle, but I just couldn't do it... so, payroll charged me a vacation day. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1744 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, a whole week for a mother, father, spouse or child. I forget what you got for any other relative, and God help you if it was "just" a partner or fiance. Or, your dog (had a friend whose dog was definitely her partner). Reminds me of how insurers go about compensation for loss of 1 finger v 1 thumb v hand etc. Joan, I saw a piece on 60 minutes or some such, I think about Best Buy and some experiements with backoffice people having almost complete flex time, especially as their productivity was all about volume of forms processed. Apparently, productivity was more than fine. It was managers who had to be regrooved. I think it's still the case. Face time still largely rules.. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5151 Registered: 5-2001 |
My first job out of college was for a school that was part of the Yeshiva system (Einstein Med). I did not get along with the department administrator at all; we just had these horrible vibes between us. When my grandmother died, I had to go to Ohio. I had no idea how these things worked. So, I went and asked her what the process was & she said that it would be bereavement time & she'd mark it down. Off I went for the funeral. She'd died on a Wed., so I was out Thursday & Friday. I returned to the office on Monday. She came in to the office I shared with the other serfs and said "Why, I didn't expect you back so soon. You could have taken 7 days". I don't think that I've ever hated anyone at work so much as I did her right at that moment. | ||
| Rob Citizen Username: Rob07040 Post Number: 37 Registered: 7-2003 |
Greene --how did you guess??  | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5170 Registered: 5-2001 |
And the beat goes on.....! When mom was first diagnosed, I remember her saying that, when her own father was diagnosed with colon cancer, she freaked every time something twinged on her body for the next five years, sure it was cancer. At the time, I thought that it was understandable, but silly. I have enough of a medical background, tho, to understand the odds of different things, reactions, etc. I have not once in the last several months thought I have cancer. I have been more prudent about my health screenings, but that's about it. So, on Monday I had my annual mammogram. I got home last night to a message to call Summit Medical Radiology. Today I am going back because the results are "inconclusive". I did not realize how much this freaked me out until I tried to go to sleep last night & had to take an Ambien (gret stuff, BTW). I know it's nothing; I know how common this is. I've been called back for inconclusive PAPs that turned out to be nothing. But, this is very shitty timing, I must say..... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1749 Registered: 9-2003 |
I had that, greenetree, last year. In part, it was because my old one from another state was diff grade of machine. I understand the worry. I'm overdue for all my "lady" tests. It's hard to see to this stuff when you have so much going on... In my dreams, I'd get wheeled into a Star Trek machine and a report would spit out and all would be known. Then, I'd get sent somewhere for a week where they'd bug bomb my entire being for every possible thing, change out all my bodily fluids, vacuum my entrails, my lungs and my brain. Wouldn't that be nice? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5173 Registered: 5-2001 |
Would it include liposuction? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2536 Registered: 9-2003 |
oh.. I am SO there when they get that machine... I also am overdue for lady... make that old lady testing - have to include bone density scans & colonoscopy this year... at least that one provides a decent nap. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5186 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, that was the longest hour & a half of my life. The closer the appointment got, the more stressed I got. Desperately wanted to take a Xanax, but I'm a cheap buzz, so I couldn't, since I had to drive. Got there & sat in the waiting room for half an hour (was early & they were squeezing me in - usually don't wait). Distracted myself with work - ahhhh, how fascinating to read about erections- and then someone turned on Judge Joe Brown. Right before I heard the verdict, they called me in. It was an hour of pictures, go develop, come back, just one more, leave, develop, come back, just one more, return again, I'm just going to put this piece of equipment on the machine to help zero in on the 'spot of interest', return again, one more, but let's cover that mole, maybe that's it. I liked my tech- she was appropriately joking and serious. Each time she left, she said "I'll be right back" & I said "I'll be here reading beauty and hair tips". Finally -finally, I got the all-clear. But, I have to tell you that each time she came back in and said "just one more shot from another angle", my heart froze a little more. What would I do? How would I keep it from my mom? How bone-chillingly frightened I was that I would hear those awful words. I bow to anyone who actually has cancer; it's more bravery than I could ever imagine myself having. Although, it also crossed my mind that it would get me out of cleaning the cat box for a long time. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2539 Registered: 9-2003 |
greenetree - I love a happy ending... so happy for you! Celebrate a little tonight! | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1571 Registered: 5-2001 |
Yea! Yea! Glad you posted. Now it's my turn. I'm due - not yet overdue - but have, in the past, put it off because of all those thoughts you've just so succinctly put to paper. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6214 Registered: 5-2001 |
I'm so glad everything turned out well. Such an experience really gives you the opportunity to view things from a different perspective. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1173 Registered: 8-2003  |
I had my very first baseline mammogram recently. OUCH! not fun sorry you had to go twice. glad you had a positive result! | ||
| wbwallflower Citizen Username: Wbwallflower Post Number: 157 Registered: 7-2005 |
So happy that everything's okay greene! You're always in my thoughts.. thanks again for the chat yesterday.. I'm feeling much better today!  | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5195 Registered: 5-2001 |
My favorite part is when they tell you not to breathe. Who can breathe???? Then, to take the closer look, she put a potato masher on the top plate to "condense even further".  I really expected my boob to fall off. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 2341 Registered: 6-2001  |
Great news Greenie. Let's celebrate this weekend! Note to self: you're 5 years overdue for your baseline. You're an idiot. October will be doctor month (dermatologist already slated for a current problem that my doc said could wait until crunch time is over). Dentist visit waaaaaaayyyyyyy necessary. Eye check. I'm going to try and schedule everything for my long-awaited week off after Summer from H-e-l-1, the Sequel. A colleague who used to work directly for me said he'd help with handout on Saturday if I could manage to get him the laptop he was buying by Friday. Snort! He had it by 4 p.m. today and will report for duty at 8:30 a.m. in Tolley Brown Lounge, 1 1/2 hours later than I'll be there. Anyone want some great exercise and free pizza on Saturday? Let me know! Problem is, he called at 10 tonight to inform me that it only has 512 megs of RAM when it's s'posed to have a gig. These were the computers IBM had a "hiccup" with and they were trying to delay the promised delivery date by more than a week. Then it was 12 days (they would've arrived 2 days after yesterday's mini-handout for the Theo School students, and 1 day before big handout for the 410+ incoming freshmen. And I didn't freak, I just said that was unacceptable. Tomorrow should be interesting; I've already left a message for my stores guy to pull an R series and bring it to me first thing. If they left a ram chip out, I'll have to figure out how to deliver and track installing memory in 200 IBM Thinkpad R52s. Ohhhhhmmmmmm. Interesting factoid: yesterday, Drew accepted 5 students who had planned to attend Tulane.  . Very sad happenings in the Gulf region. Heartbreaking. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2545 Registered: 9-2003 |
Just curious Bets - are they giving them a free ride? It sounded like Rutgers was doing that. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 2346 Registered: 6-2001 |
I don't think so SOLady, but they are accepting them based solely on their accepted status at Tulane. Drew has also partnered with Culligan Water to send several truckloads of water, established a fund to which all fac/staff/students can contribute, and is setting up an off-campus January for-credit program for students to assist in the rebuilding of New Orleans (I'd have included Biloxi and parts between, hopefully they will). My charity of choice is Mercy Corps (http://mercycorps.org/), and I've made a donation there. Their mission to employ and empower is compelling to me. | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 2577 Registered: 5-2001 |
My alma mater, Rice University, in Houston is doing something similar. Any Houston resident who was enrolled at Tulane can attend Rice for the fall semester at no extra charge and will then have their credits transferred back to Tulane. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2553 Registered: 9-2003 |
The B-I-L has reached the stage where he can't stand the smell of food cooking and nothing tempts him or tastes good. He also threw up after the last radiation treatment and since he didn't enjoy that experience, he does't want to eat anything. The doctor says that if he doesn't start putting on some weight he's going to be in no shape to be operated on IF the tumor has decreased in size.... then again, waiting until he's in better shape gives the turmor time to grow. It all just SUCKS! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1761 Registered: 9-2003 |
SoOrLady, your BiL should press the doctor for anti-nausea medicine, and/or appetite enhancer drugs. My husband had a real odors/taste issue post-surgery, and sometimes after chemo. The anti-nausea drugs can really, really help (prochloro-somethingorother, and their relatives). It's a real issue, but one that can often be resolved...good luck with that. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2555 Registered: 9-2003 |
Thank you Cyn. Just got back from BIL's house and read him a mini riot act. He doesn't like taking meds, so he waits until he's miserable, THEN he'll take it. "It does not say take when you feel like crap on the label does it? It say take every __ Hours! In order for this stuff to work you have to take it properly!! If I have to call you every ___ hours I will!" Damn! He's got to do his part too! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1762 Registered: 9-2003 |
They also have nice stuff for mouth sores should he end up with that. My husband is kinda anti-meds, too, but was shocked by how well the anti-nausea things can work, and the appetite stuff. Too, they often want you take some of these things pre-emptively, to keep the food flow going. Being kinda compulsive, I make a weekly chart with the times/medicines and my husband checks them off. This way I feel certain he's doing his thing, and he actually appreciates it because you can get kinda outta whack memory wise from chemo and just being around the house dozing. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5232 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, not too much to say, because I'm going to try working this week (in honor of Labor Day). Mom's worst fear has come true: her hair is growing back white and wiry. Yes, folks. It's pubic hair she's got atop her head. Other than that, she's doing well. Home, cooking. Watching tv. Puttering in the garden again. Bored. SOL - it's good to get mad. Probably did him some good, too. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2013 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hey everyone. Haven't been to the blog in a while. Today is my Dad's 72nd birthday, but I doubt he knows it. He was transferred to a skilled nursing facility last night - he isn't considered capable of rehabilitation at this point. I have a real issue with making that declaration - with shutting the doors before they've even tried. But they said they will reevaluate after he's settled in, and maybe he would be transferred to a rehab floor. It's been like a bad O.Henry story (or even a bad episode of "Fantasy Island"): "We can cure the cancer, but we'll kill his personality in the process...how about it?" So my husband is FINALLY coming home Monday night or Tuesday, and I fly up Thursday morning. Suddenly yesterday it struck me that he may not recognize me, and I have to brace myself. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2014 Registered: 5-2001 |
Er...my father won't recognize me, that is. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2130 Registered: 9-2002 |
Hang in there Debby. Even if it doesn't seem like he recognizes you he will know your presence and be comforted by it. My mother, who has been recently diagnosed with ALZ (early stages) had an experience with her own mother who had the disease (along with her 5 bros and sis - genetic ya think?). My mother didn't get to see grandma very often as we were in NJ and she was in TX. By the latter stages grandma was in a nursing home and she didn't recognize my mother, could barely speak, etc. Mom went to visit for a weekend and she spent some quality time with grandma, and said she thought she saw a spark of recognition. The next morning she was notified that grandma had passed away during the night. She firmly believes that my grandma knew she was there, and waited to see her daughter before passing. It is so frightening to her to have to go through what she saw her mother go through, but have the knowledge of what is to come. The good news is that she knows her own weaknesses, she has stopped driving except to specific locations, she has set up all of her will/living will/POA stuff, she has scouted nursing homes near my sister's house. I hope I can be as brave as all of you who are going through similar/worse experiences. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5258 Registered: 5-2001 |
You will be. No one chooses this. I'm so sorry that you are joining our little club. Debby - I think the same thing about mom. She's home & "happy", but it took me awhile to realize that my independent, loves to take long drives mother is now having a "good" day when she can hang out in her garden. And we're not so confident that the cancer is being cured. But, I shouldn't bitch. I've said all along that the minimum I wanted for her was to be able to be home and not in a hospital. Now that I'm getting my minimum, I still want more. Sometimes I feel guilty because I actually forget about it for awhile. I know it's insane to feel this way. I'm starting to take back part of my life, which is absoultely necessary. Then, I remember what's going on & my head just spins. I think I'm starting to have survivor guilt. I keep thinking about the helpless people in New Orleans and the scene from Torch Song Trilogy, where Harvey Fierstein is arguing with Anne Bancroft about losing his partner to gay-bashers. Anne (who plays his mother) says that she knows what it's like and had it worse because she lost her husband. Harvey goes off on her & tells her that it isn't worse because they were married, that his partner was just as important and that her husband got to die in a nice clean hospital bed, with family and medication, while his bled to death in pain in an alley. Nice thought, huh? | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2565 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby: When a co-worker asked her husband why he insisted on visiting his mother every Sunday even though "she doesn't know who you are", his reply was "But, I know who SHE is." I firmly believe that Wendyn's post is true - they have brief moments, miliseconds even, of recognition. Hang onto that - and hang in there. Greenetree - I have to agree, the situation in New Orleans and Mississippi makes our own troubles pale in comparison. BIL is back in the hospital - stint in liver failed. Was replaced this morning - all back to "normal". He's on mega antibiotics and they're keeping him until Sat. He is two days short of finishing up the radiation treatment, but his Dr. didn't seem too concerned about it. It's a good thing actually, they can hydrate and feed him and check out the meds. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5261 Registered: 5-2001 |
SOL - I know the feeling. There have been many times when I was relieved that mom was in the hospital. I have become the parent who has trouble letting go: Yesterday, I asked mom why she doesn't go out more. Friends invite her places & she doesn't go. Her excuse is that if she doesn't answer the phone at home, everyone freaks out. I confess that I have done this in the past. But, I tell her "people will just have to freak. They'll leave a message and you'll call when you get home". It's not like she'll be out for hours every day. I know that this is a half-assed excuse, but I also know that it drives her nuts that that everyone hunts her down. So, I call this morning at 11a. Ring, ring, ring. Ring. Finally, the answering machine. Light and cheery, "Hi mom. Give me a call when you get home. Just called to say 'hi'". I resist the urge to call her cell phone. Finally, at 1p, I can't take it anymore. I call the woman who checks up every day, who'd told me yesterday that today she would get mom out of the house. "It's me. Are you with her? Good. Don't say anything. I told her I wouldn't check up on her & she didn't answer her phone this morning. She OK? Great. Thanks. Bye". I am officially over the edge. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2132 Registered: 9-2002 |
Just goes to show you what you always knew...Mom is always right. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5262 Registered: 5-2001 |
No, it's different. I didn't live alone with cancer. I was just hiding out smoking pot.  |
