| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 422 Registered: 10-2003 |
I just asked my attorney if there is a way to make him move out of town. She said no, but what's to stop me from moving next door and driving him away with my presence? Heck - I did it once, I can do it again. | ||
| wbwallflower Citizen Username: Wbwallflower Post Number: 198 Registered: 7-2005 |
Hahahahahaha, you're great las. I PL'd you by the way.. Hope you're having a good day!  | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 9521 Registered: 1-2003  |
It sucks that you can't make him move, but would you have it any other way? That would mean he could make you move. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5390 Registered: 5-2001  |
Oh, Tom. Stop being so level-headed. Who was it that said "living well is the best revenge"? Las, you need a long cigarette holder & a Joan Crawford attitude! | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 9524 Registered: 1-2003 |
Living well is most certainly the best revenge. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1818 Registered: 9-2003  |
One time when I was dumped by a long-time younger boyfriend for sleazebag slut...instead of wallowing I did overtime at the gym etc, total physical makeoever thing for a month or so. Then came a public social even that I knew he would be at, and I needed to be at, too. I surveyed my girlfriends to find a super attractive guy -- the kind that makes other men squirm with their chic magnet-ness. And, I made a deal and took him to the event. New dress, best possible appearance, sang froid. Worshipful-acting date. Whereas the ex brought the sleezy little scab labor item. I utterly out-classed him and he was completely uncomfortable. Best yet, everyone asked him why he dumped me. He looked like SUCH a loser to his friends(which, of course, he was). About a week later he sought me out, to say that maybe he'd made a mistake in dumping me, etc. Too late, pal. Yes, sometimes in real life these Hollywood things can be engineered. Living well is the best revenge, even if you have to fake it for awhile. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 424 Registered: 10-2003 |
I so don't get that. A guy dumps you, you flourish, then the way I see it he realizes he was right to let you go. I see nothing wrong, at least herein, letting the person know he really fvcked up my life. No, you can't just split then screw me repeatedly and expect me to smile. I'm hurt, I'm pissed, I haven't slept in nearly six months, I am always worried about money and my future - you're damn straight you hurt me. Let him see the fruits of his spontaneous, unilateral decisions, maybe feel like crap and lose a moment of sleep himself. (Also let him know I enjoy sex with my new partner a hell of a lot more than I ever did with him.) (Oh, no - if he's gay then he won't care...) But yes, Cyn, it's all about faking it. Go through the motions, do the things required, and even if you don't eventually believe in it, at least you won't plummet. Too far. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5392 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las - I'm not so sure that you can get satisfaction from a guy like this. You will never get him to see what he's done and how much he's hurt you because he is too weak to be a man and face his own weaknesses and mistakes. Hence his blaming it all on you. He'll find some way to justify himself. If you smile too much, then you didn't love him, anyway. If you are too unhappy, then you were a miserable weight who dragged him down. He's too stupid to even realize that he lives in a prison. I'd like to think that there is such a thing as karma, and that what comes around, goes around. And that sometimes we're just not there to see it happen (although that would be real justice). So, cry, weep, scream in anger, take Ambien (love the stuff), be afraid. But don't put the pressure on yourself to make him feel bad about what he's done to you. People like him never get it. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 1819 Registered: 9-2003 |
Yep, fakin' it works. I know it sounds sick, and anti-intellectual but I therapist I saw for a time got me to do it. Act like I was fine until I was. Like you setting calendars and agendas when you anticipate a particularly crappy patch. The thing is, sometimes the faking it leads to the real thing where you no longer are. What I am trying to say, badly, is that if you really want to get someone to understand how poorly they treated you, expressing it full bore doesn't always work. Waiting for, or engineering, a similar for them can work. When women gnash their teeth and are angry and trying to express their rage, very often men people completely tune it out -- or use it as evidence of why they were right to treat us poorly. We're crazy, grasping nutjobs when we act like that. When we act calm and unaffected, well, that's when they examine themselves and their actions. That's when they actually have a prayer of getting what they've done. Not cuz you want him back because I don't think that you do. You just want him to experience your suffering and anger, it sounds like. I'm just allowing as how he probably won't through direct methods. The direct methods work with us, your friends, male and female alike. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 426 Registered: 10-2003 |
I am a whore. I sold myself for my education, the education I commenced in a life that exists no more, where the degree would have been of value to myself and the community, but surely has no practical application in my current life. I'm no different than Mary the Jesus groupee, my former next door neighrbor who prostituted herself by holding a house sale with my husband to sell off our belongings without my consent. And I'm no different from my other next door neighbor, Kristina, who set up a table on my driveway to sell her own wares, advertising the sale right here on MOL. I traded my cat's favorite rug, along with my claim to the proceeds of the aforementioned harlot sale in exchange for 90 days of health insurance. I agreed to a done-by date for school in exchange for my grandfather's instruments being returned to me. I am paying half of expenses he promised in writing to pay to ensure I am afforded living expenses during my student teaching. And it goes on and on and fvcking on. There is a document that notes I use Tom's of Maine toothpaste, how much I spend on it and how often I need to purchase it. I don't get my period, but what if I start menstruating? I didn't account for tampons, so there is no tampon allowance in the budget. I feel so used and violated. But the law of New Jersey believes only in equitable distribution, not justice. So, he fvcked me repeatedly and I am supposed to convince myself how fortunate I am he is funding half of my remaining education. Out of his half of the proceeds of our home that he promised I would never have to leave. I don't know if Mary the Jesus groupee or Kristina have remorse about their actions. But having sold my own conscience, I feel like shiit. I have no idea how to make myself feel valuable again. I just feel used and tired. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5398 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, when you figure out how to remove him from the value equation, you'll know. At some point, it will sink in that you really had no choice other than to make the deal. Cutting off your nose to spite your face would not have done any good, anyway. Until then, I don't know what. You will feel crappy until you don't anymore. The only thing I can do is add to the voices who've been there/done that & made it. And thrived. There's just no way around this part of it. You may never look back on this as the "growth phase" of your life. It may always be the worst phase. Betrayal sucks - friends, neighbors, spouses. Life just ain't supposed to work this way. So how come it does? | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 1036 Registered: 5-2005  |
Las it sounds tough but you never had any of those things. In life you may think you have a great relationship or friends or even family.You CANNOT lose something you never had to begin with. You may have thought they were your friends or your lover/husband for life but they were not if they were they would stiil be there. A motto that will help you pick yourself up is it did not really exist. Look at all the people you have befriended and be thankful for them and don't look back. Heal and may good Karma embrace you. | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 9537 Registered: 1-2003 |
I'm not sure I agree with you, Lucy, but you may be right. I think the scary thing is that you really can't rely on anyone in the end. We are born alone and we die alone, and in the meantime, we pick up the best company we can find (if we are lucky, wise and resourceful), but they will come and go. The spouse is the closest thing we have to a lifetime partner, but unlike children, their love really is conditional. It's awfully scary. And in las's case, she never knew what the conditions were. I.e. she didn't have the rulebook, which makes it so much harder. | ||
| Jay Citizen Username: Jaymon Post Number: 892 Registered: 10-2004  |
You mean theres is a rulebook????? Where can I get me a copy of that, Tom? | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5423 Registered: 5-2001  |
Las my friend, Greenetree is sooo right: "I'd like to think that there is such a thing as karma, and that what comes around, goes around. And that sometimes we're just not there to see it happen (although that would be real justice)." This happened to me: Years and years ago I was supposed to marry this aussie guy that I was head over heels crazy about (I know, what was I thinking?). Anyway, he promised to continue living here in the US with me, but eventually took me to Australia for a three week tour and at the airport going back he told me he was staying there! I got on the plane all alone and in shock and spent the next year in heartbreak hell and rearranging my life. He promptly met someone else and moved on. I recovered (as we all do), and later learned that he lost all his beautiful long hair that he was so vain about and is bald as an egg and all alone. (Not that there's anything wrong with bald to a normal person, but to him it was devastating). I still feel good about that to this day. You will as well - I promise. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 3417 Registered: 2-2003  |
las sounds to me like you need another birthday party... I can't believe what an ••• your ex is. I am so sorry  | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1255 Registered: 8-2003  |
ooh!!! more mojitos! I agree with RedY- another birthday party for Las! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 427 Registered: 10-2003 |
Funny you both suggest that. Next Friday is my half birthday and I am planning a half-assed get together with some halfway decent people, half a sheet cake, half a barrel of wine, etc. The more the merrier, so come on over! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1258 Registered: 8-2003 |
you know I'll be there! | ||
| Jay Citizen Username: Jaymon Post Number: 893 Registered: 10-2004 |
What is a half-birthday? Does that mean you get to cut your actual age in half? A half barrel of wine sounds scary, so don't go off 'half cocked'  . Maybe you can play some halfway decent music or have a half good band? Then you can all talk about whether the glass is half full or half empty. Ask Mem to bring half my desk and tell some people to wear only tops or bottoms....... | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5426 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las, Jay, the least you can do is give Las 1/2 your desk as a gift. We can give her the other 1/2 on her next 1/2 birthday. Las, I'll be there if you want me...! Where/when? | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 3428 Registered: 2-2003 |
Definitely! 1/2 birthdays are the best | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5403 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las - stop having birthdays (in any increment) when I won't be here! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1263 Registered: 8-2003 |
I am trying to convince notehead to only recognize my half birthday. since we got married the day before my birthday, I got gyped. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 428 Registered: 10-2003 |
Mem and Jay, I just bought myself a whole desk, but thank you for your half-hearted offers. Pippi, why don't we celebrate your birthday next week, and maybe I'll splurge for the whole sheet cake. I'll even share my tiara. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1267 Registered: 8-2003 |
we need to celebrate my HALF birthday in April. But thanks for the half-baked idea. Very thoughtful. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 433 Registered: 10-2003 |
And so a week after my new chair and desk are delivered my laptop crashes, because you can never put too many big charges on your card in one billing period. Actually, it was 'our' laptop. He wanted it, said I could take the Mac, at which time I decided I'll take the one he wants. It had his entire CD collection on it, admittedly, an impressive feat. Thanks to my dear, dear Bets, some files will be saved, and the music as well. Eternally grateful for the fates that brought Bets to my dysfunctioning laptop, I do believe I must reciprocate. The enttire cd collection will be copied and given away for free. Numerous times. The old me would have been so grateful to have a friend who could help me out technologically. The new me only thinks in terms of justice not served. Come Monday I am supposed to sign the Property Screw Your Loyal Wife Agreement. Part of the Agremeent states I agree with the contents. I don't. But I will sign it, because my attorney advises me I likely can't do better than selling my soul for half an education. And I work for attorneys, so I've been running everything by them, and all roads lead to Rome sadly. Fifty fifty. I don't know what else I can do other than stick a melted candy in the folds of the rug he stole from our cat or share his vast music collection with strangers. It's not feasible to move next door to him in the Gaslight Commons, there is too much cement there and my cats won't have enough stimulation without the trees and gardens we have here. So I am trapped on this meta-cognitive treadmill, thinking and thinking but not of anything productive, not of the future, but of scales and weighing and justice and fairness. And thinking like that is just no good because you can't heal with anger and you can't move forward by thinking of wrongs. But that's what I've been doing for days now. I guess I am stuck. | ||
| Ravenheart Citizen Username: Ravenheart Post Number: 12 Registered: 9-2005 |
This worked for a friend of mine who was treated badly by her ex: she had an intense, hot affair, and posted daily updates of it on her blog (which she heard through friends he was still reading). She wrote about how she never knew how great love-making could be because she had suffered through years of a mediocre bedmate. Apparently it gnawed at him. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2606 Registered: 9-2003 |
I read a joke once - at least I think it was a joke... nasty divorce.. evil man... wanted the curtains & rod.. curtains meant a great deal to the wife... but she gave in.... the night before she was to hand them over she ate a bunch of shrimp and put the shells in the rods... It drove her husband 1/2 crazy trying to figure out why his new digs smelled so bad.. that he moved.. curtain rods & all.  Don't suppose you can do anything along those lines before you officially enter widowhood? | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 437 Registered: 10-2003 |
Ravenheart, I'm posting about my new and improved love life here. I think the only person getting anything out of it is the man I'm posting about! Don't suppose you can do anything along those lines before you officially enter widowhood? SOL: Already did...see my last post, second paragraph, 4th sentence... Is this really who have I become?... | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 2382 Registered: 6-2001  |
I like your digs, las, good vibes. There's that cat who's trying to move in. That's a good sign: It means there is positive energy there or else the kitty would be deterred instinctively. It will get better. I promise. | ||
| Sylvia Jacobs Citizen Username: Swj Post Number: 1 Registered: 9-2005 |
Wow. Wow. Wow. Good luck to you, LAS | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 448 Registered: 10-2003 |
I put one of my wedding bands on last week. I had taken my rings off in July and for three months the third and fifth fingers of my left hand have been lost, rubbing against the forth finger, trying to find a place to settle without the feel of the platinum that had become so familiar over years, my thumb instinctively reaching under the other fingers to straighten the diamond that is no longer there. After three months of my fingers sliding around looking for a home, I put one of the bands back on last week. It feels right, my fingers now fit and can lie as they are most comfortable. There is now a part of me that is where it should be. Still trying to find a place for the rest of me, but three fingers is okay for today. Signed the settlement agreement yesterday. It is not yet approved by him because there was the $1.95 difference between SallieMae's phone estimate and payoff letter for my student loan. Opposing counsel was pissed off, becase this one dollar his client would owe came on top of the $93 difference in my car payment - that would be something like $46 bucks out of his client's pocket. His client who promised he would pay for the house and my school for as long as it took, so long as I followed my dream, then sent me packing within six weeks and made me reimburse him for half the expenses (which I, the harlot, paid in exchange for 90 days of health insurance). Don't want him to be out his forty-six bucks. Forty-six bucks can be a lot to a person who is merely a shell of a man. | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 2320 Registered: 9-2001  |
Consider it as the measure of the man. How does it feel to wear your wedding band again? I can't put mine on, although I love it because it is beautiful and does not look at all like a wedding ring. Thought once about wearing it on my right hand, but could not get past the meaning of it. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 449 Registered: 10-2003 |
I don't think of it as a wedding band. It's just an apparatus that belongs on my fourth finger to ensure the sandwiching fingers have a place to rest. I'll try taking it off again at some point. I wore three bands, went to none. Maybe I'll be able to adapt to taking just the one off next time. Would you consider getting your ring re-set? Changing the metal or the stones? Candidly, it's just a ring at this point, you know the meaning behind it is no longer there, only inside you. Try slipping it on while doing something in the new Eats life, as opposed to alone and in a contemplating mood. You're much more creative than I am, so I'm sure you'll think of a way to trick yourself into wearing it when you're ready. | ||
| Eats Shoots & Leaves Citizen Username: Mfpark Post Number: 2323 Registered: 9-2001 |
Nah, it kinda feels like Frodo's ring--dragging me towards Mt. Doom when I would rather be frolicking in the Shire, getting fat on butter cakes and fine ale, and watching the hair grow on my feet. Seriously, I understand both the empty feeling on your finger (I still feel that ring two years after taking it off, like a ghost limb on an amputee), and the sense that it is just a piece of bling bling--but everytime I look at that bling bling it makes my heart shudder. And it is a beautiful, unique, one of a kind ring made for me specifically by her brother, who is a master goldsmith. I would never want to recast it, or change it, or even sell it. Perhaps I will give it to one of my sons someday. | ||
| Maplewoody Citizen Username: Maplewoody Post Number: 1039 Registered: 5-2001  |
las, Sell your rings, stop talking about your ex and move on with your life. I'm sure he has! | ||
| monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 1324 Registered: 7-2002  |
las, while it's not a Monster Movie Night, I'm buying the first pizza & pitcher of beer tomorrow at Bunnys around 5 or 5:30. Stop on by, we still haven't met in person. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 456 Registered: 10-2003 |
M'woody, except for sudden Brobdingnagian fits of anger and rage over the settlement agreement and other financial betrayals, I am WAY over him. Oddly. Monster: Free lunch with Hank, free drink with Monster...I should take more Friays off. I'll see you there. | ||
| monster Supporter Username: Monster Post Number: 1327 Registered: 7-2002 |
Just a mention, that I will have to show up later, thanks to my wife who signed my son up for dance classes at the terrible hour of 5 to 6 on on Friday, should be there about 6:30, when I get there I owe you a drink. You'll know me by the shouts of "Monsterrrrr!", maybe.... |
