| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 530 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thanks for making it happen, Red. You know, I've been practicing for Bunnies next week, building up my endurance: I drink a warm milk toddy each night when I get home from work... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5703 Registered: 5-2001  |
We'll talk later. But think about this - reread what you just wrote. In essence, you are wondering whether things would be different if you'd been his mommy. As much as this beyond-sucks, is that really what you want from a life partner? | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4083 Registered: 2-2003  |
No problem las  it's my pleasure | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 531 Registered: 10-2003 |
Funny you say that, Greene. Before he left, when he was just so low, he told me each time I opened my mouth he heard his mother. (No wonder we hadn't had sex for weeks...) | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2301 Registered: 9-2002  |
The most likely reason he never talked to you personally after his (pathetically-timed) departure was that he was afraid you would convince him to come back. You obviously had power over him, and it probably took a lot for him to leave. I'm guessing he relyed on you to make decisions most of the time, so when he finally made one he didn't want you to change his mind. That is no judgement, most marriages have a dominant/recessive partnership to some extent. But he probably didn't avoid you to hurt you, he avoided you to stop hurting himself. You may have been happy in your old life. He wasn't. Let him go. It sucks that your life has to change so much because of the split. It sucks that your goals have to change so you can make more money. It sucks that your favorite hobbies have to be put on hold because you have no garden.  But hey, you aren't married to a miserable gay man anymore. That's gotta be better, right?  Have a great time on Friday! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 532 Registered: 10-2003 |
Wendy, it's next Friday. Can you come? We can drink seltzer together and pretend to enjoy sucking on ice cubes from the wine bucket while people drinking get waited on ('tho that would never happen at Bunnies). And you're right, there is not much worse than a miserable gay man (or straight man for that matter). | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2302 Registered: 9-2002 |
Thanks Las. I've actually had my fill of bars for a while. But I'll be thinking about you guys! It is funny, my mom never realized what a miserable marriage she had until a couple of years after it ended. Now she can't believe she spent 16 years with such a pain in the a**. Her only regret was that she wished that SHE ended it instead of HIM, as it would have made her feel much more empowered. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5709 Registered: 5-2001 |
I'm coming up on my 16th anniversary. For some reason, I keep thinking that my parents made it 16 years before going kaput. I have this artificial sense of accomplishment that I have reached that milestone. Is that strange? | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 10375 Registered: 1-2003  |
I'm sorry it's so tough for you, las. I know it will get better for you, and I hope it starts soon. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 537 Registered: 10-2003 |
I don't know where my head has been or why I never followed the link contained in the email the bursar sent me on 9/24, which email also stated I had thirty days to take action. Yet something tinked inside of me two days ago so I found the email and clicked on the link which informed me since I was only taking three credits my financial aid had been declined. But I didn't panic because there is an education trust that my attorney maintains, the one I prostituted myself for with him, so I emailed my attorney to have a check cut to which she advised me she informed him (and his attorney) of the request. Per the Agreement. I can't help but muse that in my old life he prided himself on paying our bills from his paycheck, while my pay went towards my car, my credit cards, takeout two or three nights a week and anything else on which I wanted to piss my cash. And now, while he is so very far away from my life, I must REQUEST funds for my education. How wrong is that? | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 296 Registered: 11-2001 |
Actually, my friend, you DO know where your head has been!! So don't beat yourself up for not following that link. In your NEW life, you will be in total control of your finances, etc. Daunting thought, I know, but you can do it. Please give yourself ample time to heal from your recent widowhood and don't castigate yourself for the decisions you've made. You are too good for that. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5747 Registered: 5-2001 |
It's not a "request". It's a "reminder". It's yours, after all. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 541 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm about to start knitting a pair of socks for a friend and was rifling through my knitting needles searching for my #3 DPNs (double pointed needles) to no avail. I commenced and recommenced the search and checked all the obvious and not so obvious places but those #3 DPNs were no where to be found and I knew, just knew, I had #3 DPNs because I've made socks with #2s and they end up too tight so I intentionally have used the #3 DPNs for some time. So the #3s had to be somewhere but apparently not where they were supposed to be (either in my DPN case or knitting needle bag). Then it hit me: the #3 DPNs were still in use – they were in a project: the socks I was knitting for him when he left me on my birthday last Spring. So there in the bag was one sock completed, a black merino wool mid-calf sock with a fine ribbing from ankle to calf and a perfect heel and a toe sewn together with the Kitchener stitch and another still on the needles ready for the heel to be turned upon completion of which I'd knit down the foot to the toe and be done. But it's not so easy as turning the heel for this is not just a sock I'd be knitting. You see I started to knit him the socks last winter when his body was cold and his mood was so low and I wanted to give him some warmth and he told me the socks were important to him I should knit them and give them to him. And knitters they say knitting socks is addicting (for me it most certainly is) so I'd knit all the time and since it was cold my hands would get so dry and so chapped and when he'd reach for my fingers and feel their chaffedness he'd reach for the hand cream and gently and soothingly apply it to my palms and fingers and up my wrists despite his mood and his misery and his secret questions about the life we were sharing and the plot he was mulling in his mind. Then after he left and I saw him at therapy I would still knit those socks as I sat in that room and he talked of numbers and dates and I'd knit the socks that were once for him not thinking further than the stitch I was making. And now that I'm writing I recall how it was the blur and the wave I was in: knit knit purl purl knit knit purl purl 30 days knit knit purl purl sell the house knit knit purl purl divorce knit knit purl purl – I could not hear him or process what he said. Then at some point a week or so later the therapist asked for whom I was making the socks. I said I don't know and then put them away until I found them just this morning in a bag with used tissues balled up in knots and the wrapper from the yarn. So now I am here and the world is so different and I've almost got this pair of black merino wool socks and I can't decide whether I should pull out the needles or finish the sock or unravel them both and start something new when the mood strikes to knit with black merino wool someday. But the socks for my friend I must start them tonight and the thought of a second pair of #3 DPNs has crossed my mind but that's a waste and I will not buy them so I'm here at work at my desk in the corner and I tacked the partial sock and needles to my board where no one can see it and no one will know and I'll make up my mind soon enough. | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 10464 Registered: 1-2003 |
It's good you're keeping this blog. You can look back later and see how far you will have come. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5780 Registered: 5-2001 |
Unravel them. It can't come any more undone than it already is. I am sure that somehow, in the back of your mind, unraveling the socks is more concrete an act than even signing the papers was. But, there is no reason to spend your $$$ on more needles. And no reason to keep a visual, tangible reminder of what happened. Unravel them. Put the wool away. Someday, you will pick it up and be mildly awed that you can heft it from hand to hand and it will have no meaning. And you will knit a scarf or some other cool thing for someone who loves you as much as he does himself. And, unlike The Corpse, he will indeed love himself. | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5479 Registered: 5-2001  |
Hi Las! Finish the black merino socks - donate them to charity or I'll buy them from you and give them to my dad. Cheers. | ||
| eliz Supporter Username: Eliz Post Number: 1222 Registered: 5-2001 |
Finish them, put itching powder inside and send them to him for Thanksgiving. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 542 Registered: 10-2003 |
Two votes to finish the pair, one to unravel... I am always unraveling my knitting projects and starting them over and tonight I shall finish a sweater I just started last Tuesday - for the third time! I find knitting fun and relaxing and having a beautiful finished garment is infinitely more rewarding to me than a mediocre one (it's all about the journey after all). But I can not bring myself to unraveling this almost pair of socks. Yet. So I have decided I will transfer the stitches to holders and put that decision off for another time. I've had to make some tremendous decisions the last few months; I'm sure I f*cked up a majority of them. Maybe some day someone will need a pair of black merino wool socks in a super hurry, and I'll almost have a pair to give them. Or maybe I'll wake up in some dark mood and have no more pictures or cards or gifts of his to curse and burn - then I can destroy the almost pair of socks. So I will wait. And tonight, I shall finish stitching together the pale pink baby kimono sweater made of cashmere (with a 10% polymide for washability) then break out the new wool (with a 25% polymide for durability) to knit for my friend. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2685 Registered: 9-2003 |
So you wisely come to your own decision... I was about to chime in and tell you to unravel, roll the yarn into a tight ball and let the kitty have at it... but... I think I like your choice better. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5791 Registered: 5-2001 |
See how far you've come and don't even realize it? A month ago, you probably couldn't have brought yourself to even consider unraveling, much less post about it. You go, girl! | ||
| Tom Reingold Supporter Username: Noglider Post Number: 10486 Registered: 1-2003 |
Don't give them to him. Don't keep the socks, or any remnant thereof, around if it's going to cause you any anguish. Sending him the socks with itching powder or whatever is a sign of attachment to him. Hatred and love are both attachments, which you are better off without. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 543 Registered: 10-2003 |
Is it possible to dwell on this almost pair of merino wool socks any more? (yes) The thing that gets me so deep down is that knitting socks for him wasn't just about knitting socks; it was about commitment and love and sharing. That's powerful stuff. And part of what I do in this blog is share some of my secrets (including some of our former secrets) in an effort to diffuse them and take away their strength. So, in one of my uber-confidential-top-secret-f*ck-yous to the decedent, I am going to share his socks! At some point in the next few weeks after I finish my current to-do list (I've got Bets' socks, a scarf for a friend, a pair of mittens for myself and a sample self-striping sock for my sister's knitting shop (nb: this one sock doesn't count as almost a pair, it's just one sample sock)), I am going to finish the almost pair of socks and give them or raffle them or donate them away. I'll have to find a cause - maybe we can raise money for something here on MOL, winner gets the socks, proceeds to the cause, and the decedent will never know if the person standing next to him is wearing the socks his former wife knit. (Yeah, that'll show him...) | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22504 Registered: 6-2001  |
Yay! I was hoping they were my socks! Thank you!  | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 5483 Registered: 5-2001 |
I want socks! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 544 Registered: 10-2003 |
Okay, Mem. I'll stop by with the sock books. (And in case you ask as Bets asked: yes, they have books about socks.) And Bets, did I make fun of you to your face for wanting multi-green socks? If so, I do apologize. Turns out someone on the train pointed out I was wearing a sweater the same color as your pending socks! | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22505 Registered: 6-2001 |
It's okay, I can take it I love green! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 546 Registered: 10-2003 |
Well, turns out him still sees Dr. Justin Fried the dentist. How do I know? Because Irwin from Dr. Fried's office just called me at work to confirm an appointment. Told him I didn't want to hear about it. I also know he was undercharged ten dollars for a training session by Motion Fitness, to expect an additional charge to appear on his statement, and he could pick up the receipt at the desk (they left a message). I even know there were at least two dates when his boss at Jespy wanted him to have his team ready at earlier times than previously agreed. I know quite a bit too much about him these days because him still has not updated the world with his unlisted phone number. So they all look up mine. Why, why, WHY didn't I just tell them all he died???? | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1361 Registered: 8-2003  |
Either send him an email, or a message through his lawyer that he needs to update his information or else the next time you get calls for him, you WILL tell people he's deceased! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5796 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hell, he's a big boy. He didn't want mommy taking care of him anymore. She doesn't have to remind him or give any warnings. Just tell them that they have the wrong number. If they leave it on VM, hit erase as soon as you hear "Hi, this message is for The Corpse.....". | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1362 Registered: 8-2003 |
I wasn't suggesting las do it for his sake, but rather for her own sake - so she doesn't have to know what he's up to. The sooner he stops being part of her consciousness, the better off she'll be. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 547 Registered: 10-2003 |
That's right, Pippi. I can't know about him, that's why I have to think of him as dead. It seems there is always some connection reminder: Last week it was requesting funds from the trust. Monday I sent this email to him: Please tell your friend, Steven Z------, to take the following off of the XXXX XXXXXXX mailing list: Sam and Lynn S----- 10 Plymouth Avenue Maplewood, NJ 07040 If I receive one more book from XXXX XXXXXXX I will refer this to our attorneys. (which of course I did, via blind copy) Saturday it was a hand-written note from a realtor at Burgdorf asking she be the one we choose if we ever decide to sell our house. (uh, lady, it was just sold) Today it was that call from the dentist. When big boys and girls run away from home they should take responsibility to update the community with their contact details. I had written to him some time ago: You ran away from home but you didn't go anywhere. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 305 Registered: 11-2001 |
When I get calls for my former husband, I just say there is no such person at this number. It is true, isn't it? Then they stop calling. Unless I can determine that it is of earth-shattering relevance, which it rarely is, I do not give them any other information. Not my problem. I don't have to take care of him anymore, and neither do you have to take care of your late husband. If he is not responsible enough to alert people with whom he needs to have contact that his contact information has changed, then that is his problem. Not yours, his. | ||
| Amateur Night Citizen Username: Deborahg Post Number: 1631 Registered: 5-2001  |
I say, "He doesn't live here any more. Would you like his number?" Then I give them his cell phone. Let them bother him, not me. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 549 Registered: 10-2003 |
Deceased husbands are trés Wednesday. Today I have a REALLY PAINFUL issue to face: My Sydney-cat, the love of my life, seems to have some sort of toe dislocation! Oh, my heart simply breaks for her! Last night, when I got home from dinner with Ess I sat on my chair and broke out my knitting and she crawled up me to lie on my heart (Sydney, not Ess). I noticed one toe nail was hyperextended and a bit later it still wasn't sheethed - then I realized her toe was backwards! (Oh, oh! - here she comes!) Her little black pad wasn't on the bottom where it shoud be, rather, towards the top. I checked her out and surveyed her and realized she was okay so long as I didn't keep trying to touch it, she walks with a limp and is getting around, and even climbs the stairs, so I decided to wait to see Dr. Levine until today, rather than make an urgent care visit. Our appointment is at 2:45 - a hundred years from now!!!! I know it's not dire (Oh - here she comes again - geez, why can't she just stay on the chair?), but my lord! - I just love her so much it pains me deeper than anything to think she is hurting. I have no idea how this could have happened to this dear, sweet cat who only wants to share love. Oh, how we take things for granted. Five days ago I was griping because I had a mediocre massage (SH Hilton); today, my soulmate's toe isn't resting where it should and that's the most tragic thing ever. (You know, I missed one day of work when him left last Spring; so far this makes three days for my cats...) | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5804 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, your priorities are in the right place. Smushes to Syd - let us know how it goes. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 310 Registered: 11-2001 |
Oooh...the poor baby. Didn't realize it was that bad. Was it caught on something? Was she up all night??? Next massage, you must request the other guy!!!! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1363 Registered: 8-2003 |
hope sydney cat feels better! you are a good momma cat for staying home. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 550 Registered: 10-2003 |
WOW! That's what Dr. Levine said when he saw my Sydney's toe. He'd said it was quite rare for an indoor cat to break a toe, but here she was, my loving piece of heaven, with a broken toe. And there is nothing to do. Ever. It will always be dislocated, the nail will always be hyperextended. He swears she's not in pain, which I find impossible to believe because I am a hypochondriac and am still hurting from almost giving myself a papercut yesterday. He swears it's not a weight-bearing toe so walking and jumping won't cause her pain (as evidenced by her jumping off the exam table and reaching up for the doorknob). Dr. Levine thinks she must have gotten caught on something and broken her beautiful little toe while struggling to get free. I thought my husband leaving me broke my heart, but this, oh! - this is just way too much. I never loved him nearly as much as I love my Sydney. She's my first very own pet - we got her at a street fair on Amsterdam Ave. while we were dating from one of those crazy cat rescue ladies. (The type I am destined to become.) On the plus side, if there is a plus side in this dark, cruel world of mine, my dear Sydney lost .1 pounds! I am just so proud of her. In May Dr. Levine said she should lose some weight, so I cut bedtime treats in half and rarely give her creamcheese, and here we are just a few months later, an entire tenth of a pound less! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 5814 Registered: 5-2001 |
Poor baby! If she's jumping, eating, etc., then it probably is worse for you than it is for her. It's amazing how they manage to get caught in things. Perhaps she did it on purpose as a desperate measure to help you get your priorities straight! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 551 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thing is, Greenie, she has always been my number one priority. I just got my Little Butternut (and the boys) some tuna sushimi. I served her in The Chair because she had a tough day and shouldn't have to get up. |
