| Author | Message | ||
     las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 655 Registered: 10-2003 |
Thank you, S. | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2107 Registered: 12-2004  |
All those things he said: he was right. You are that wonderful person. That fact that he denies it now means nothing. He's a sad, confused, pathetic person and you are not. I so look forward to the day when you barely remember when his birthday was. You are too good not to find love again. You deserve more and better, and I believe you will have it again. I'm sorry your heart is sad again. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 660 Registered: 10-2003 |
Besides the indulgence of extended periods of self-pity and isolation, the second best thing about long weekends is the obsessive knitting I get to do without the usual interruptions of bosses and homework. Alas, Betsy's Socks:  Bets, you'll notice the color pattern is not equal between the socks. I was with my knitting friend J on the train one morning, and I had just begun the second sock for the fourth time because I could not match the stripes to the first sock and we were discussing the repeat and where I should start, etc., and by this time we'd reached Newark when the lady next to us said, 'Oh, please! Nobody's going to notice!' Turns out, Bets, there IS no repeat. The socks can't be even. I'm really sorry about this. You have no idea how I tried... They will keep you warm regardless. Yarn for Greenmom's socks (label attached to show fiber did not come from my bellybutton). This is a blend of 70% kid mohair/5% wool with a 25% polymid for wash and durability. (I generally don't like the synthetic fibers, but when making socks for someone else I think it's important to include the polymid for ease of care, since most folks don't handwash or bring socks to the dry cleaner (which all fiber and fabric people know is the worst thing you can do for your clothes anyway).)  Unfortunately for Greenemom, when I was picking up her yarn yesterday I fell in love with a wool and spent $27 on this one skein to knit myself a pair of mittens:  Oddly, I would never pay $27 for a pair of mittens. Herein lies the problem for Greenemom: This wool feels so delicious on my hands I went back and bought enough to make myself a matching hat and coordinating scarf. It's a chunky yarn, and I'll be switching among 10.5 dpns for the mittens, ten straights for the scarf and 11 dpns for the hat. Since I'm using the fatter needles (as opposed to size 3 dpns for Bets' socks) it should only take a couple of weeks for all three pieces, but Greenetree, get the overnight shipping box ready just in case. Like I always say: Why ask your sister for free products from her knitting store* if you can pay retail. *All Strung Out, Cocoa Beach, FL | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22529 Registered: 6-2001  |
They're gorgeous! I can't wait to wear them. When can I buy you dinner? | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6138 Registered: 5-2001  |
Well, I guess I can't begrudge you avoiding frostbite in style!  I'm not leaving until 12/23 - we'll see Greenemom in Chicago. So, maybe...... | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4577 Registered: 2-2003  |
las you are so talented! Love the socks.. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4578 Registered: 2-2003 |
las you are so talented! Love the socks.. | ||
| Eightball Citizen Username: Eightball Post Number: 30 Registered: 11-2005  |
las you are so talented! Love the socks.... | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 671 Registered: 10-2003 |
There's an attorney at work who checks up on me every few days and asks how I'm holding and coming along and tells me things will get better someday and to hang in there and keep on going so happiness again will be mine. Then yesterday when he stopped by to see me he said words so revealing to me, he said if it makes any difference you should know the guilt never goes away. You did it? I asked. You left someone once? He said sort of but he's happy now with a wife and two children and that someday I'll have the same. But tell me, I pleaded, what did you do what happened why did you leave? He said I can't I just can't go into it now just know that his guilt will remain. And his words though few have haunted me so since our talk and I've even cried and obsessed on this need to know more to learn what he knows and to find out what happened to him so that I could have inkling and insight by proxy to the mess that happened to me. Just moments ago I saw him and asked him again to please tell me his story, did he plan it and think or was it spur of the moment did he talk to his wife ever again. He said he had to think it was not really clear I said please tell me what you can. You see I know nothing about why he left what propelled him and forced him to run when he kissed me goodbye and then tucked me in in the morning like mornings before and I know nothing about why he wiped me out so completely from his life. I told him I need to know something about why a person would leave any insight he had would be welcome. He said Lynn I am sorry I just don't remember. I must have been thinking about what he might tell me and the insight and knowledge of dumping he'd share and not paying attention to the task at hand, for it seems that this morning when I bathed I forgot to rinse the conditioner out. So I am not only still in the midst of confusion but having a really bad hair day as well. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1463 Registered: 8-2003  |
 you aren't playing fair - first you make me cry then you make me laugh! FWIW, the reasons this man left his wife don't matter. they will never be the same reasons your husband left you. How he felt at the time isn't the same as how a**face felt. Every story is different, my dear. That's doesn't mean a**face won't feel guilt, he will ... but it doesn't matter. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6180 Registered: 5-2001 |
Las - dear Las. It is cold and windy, so probably good for your hair. Small consolation when you look in the mirror, I know. I think that if your coworker could tell you exactly what was going thru his head, that you would still not have peace. You would then start wondering if that was what The Departed had thought. You would analyze every memory for signs of alignment with the attorney's experience. You can't make sense of something irrational. You can't make it stop or go away or feel better. You can only get thru it, put it in a place of it's own and move on with your life. Someday. Whenever. The day you wake up and realize that you had a whole, great, happy day yesterday and actually forgot about It. Until then, not much you can do. Except, of course, knit socks. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4587 Registered: 2-2003 |
las--think your hair will be so soft and luscious when you rinse the conditioner out  I am sorry, so so sorry that your are still feeling so sad. I wish I could just take the pain away. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 672 Registered: 10-2003 |
So here I am at work getting paid a sh*tload of money to play online and do my homework all day, I hit send for my last post as the phone rings. It's the business manager, could I please come upstairs and don't tell anyone where I am going. I close out all my Internet links. I get to his office and HR and and the secretary coordinator are there, they ask me to close the door. Budgets are tight, we will be getting bonuses this year, not sure how much yet. But they came up with some extra money and they wanted to give it to me as a one-time-super-secret-don't-even-tell-your-bosses gift to thank me for all of my hard work. I cried of course. A year ago there is no doubt this money would have gone into my arts and crafts fund, maybe purchased a few boppies and mobiles for my babies at the hospital. Sam would have taken me out to a 'Success at the Office Dinner' and told me how proud he was. He probably would have walk across town to Dahlia, a florist in Grand Central, to bring me hyacinths that weren't quite fragrant enough and put them in a silly little cat vase that seemed to have been made to hold three fat hyacinths, and I would have come home to find them on my night stand. But that's not my life anymore. I'm on leave from volunteering because I like to stay home as much as possible, and I am now in the mindset that flowers are extraneous. But I have job security. And a one-time-super-secret-don't-even-tell-your-bosses bonus that I can't tell anyone at work about, but can tell my virtual friends. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 673 Registered: 10-2003 |
Pippi, GT and Red: I know this man has a different story. I just want some insight as to what would possess a man to just leave? More importantly, my hair is really soft and shiny, and only two people asked me if it was wet. | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 554 Registered: 11-2001 |
And I would be very happy to be involved in that "Success at the Office" dinner. You may not see it, or may not be ready to see it, but you are doing great. Give yourself permission to mourn. It's traditional to be in mourning for a year, anyway, in the event of a death, which is what this was. As far as getting an answer to your question....that's tougher. The attorney's mind worked differently from your late husband's. His wife was a different person as well. In my experience, it's hard to pinpoint a "why", and it's also hard to let the quest for the "why" go. By the way, perhaps leaving the conditioner in was a good idea. I did the standard shampoo-condition-rinse and blew dry in a hurry, and I am now sporting a look best described as "Carol Brady Meets a Light Socket". Hang tough. You rock. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6182 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hey! It's the Chopped Liver here. I'm proud of you. But, I'm allergic to the scent of hyacinths. What blows my mind is that, after all you've been thru this year, you've obviously more than just "held it together". You are flourishing, girlfriend. You don't get a bonus for just meeting expectations. Do you realize how truly awesome an accomplishment that is? I won't be getting a bonus this year and I know that I did not earn one. My mind has been elsewhere. This isn't a Success at Work thing, it's a Success at Life thing. Major. Huge. Stupendous. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3542 Registered: 5-2001 |
What would possess anyone to "just leave"? Remember when you were a kid? Did you ever pack all your most precious belongings in your hard-sided valise and tell your parents you were running away? It didn't matter what bothered you at the moment, but you thought escaping from your life would be better than the life you were leading. I remember sitting on the steps with my doll& jewelry box in my suitcase, all angry about whatever, and really thinking it would be better for me if I left. My parents would hide their laughter. It's different of course, I always came back (probably never even left, just hid in the basement or something) but it's all about escapism. Why confront your problems if you can just walk away from them (even if you enter a whole other set)? He has an issue he doesn't want to deal with. It was easier for him to just leave than to give you the respect to discuss it with you. | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 960 Registered: 5-2003 |
To try to answer you question, Las, all I can say is there isn't any answer. I was in the same situation as you; I came home from work one day and there was a note and he was gone. When he finally called me, to come and get his things I asked him why and he had no answer--he couldn't even look at me, and he kept shuffling his feet like a naughty little boy. Several months later, he confessed to having an affair with someone, but when I got a look at her she really wasn't as attractive as I am--she was just not me. And he certainly didn't look happy, or even healthy when I saw him. He came back after nearly a year, and I took him back because we have a family and it was the best thing for me to do, but ten years later he still doesn't know why he left. He really has no explanation. It wasn't anything I did, and I couldn't have prevented it. The best explanation that I can muster is that it's some kind of male mid life crisis thing, and some of them react to it by leaving their wives and some of them buy expensive sports cars. Some of them get over it, the way mine did, and some of them don't, but it really hasn't got anything to do with the women whose lives they mess up. you have to figure out what's best for you, now, and then go for it. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3543 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh, and BTW, congratulations on your secret bonus! I hope you will treat yourself to something wonderful. A pampering weekend at a luxurious hotel or spa? I imagine you will not be so indulgent, but I hope for you that you will. I would recommend you go to the Copperhood Inn for 2 nights, alone or with a friend. You will find the quiet refreshing. Elizabeth, the owner, is a wonderful converationalist. The yoga instructor was very helpful. Long hikes will clear your mind. The delicious, healthy food will satisfy you. I cried when we left, I felt like I had a new understanding of somethings. It was just incredible. Please do something very special and very nice for yourself. You deserve it. | ||
| Lizziecat Citizen Username: Lizziecat Post Number: 961 Registered: 5-2003 |
I wanted to add, please try not to beat yourself up over this. It wasn't your fault. Maybe it wasn't even his fault, although I admit that's hard to accept. Maybe it's just male hormones or aging or something else in that little y chromosome. We women are tough--a lot tougher than they are. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2466 Registered: 9-2002  |
Um, I think he left because he is gay and wants to have sex with men. At least from what I have heard here and IRL. Asshat could have picked a different day or done it in a better way (I can't think of how it could have been worse) but the result would be the same. The result is you don't have to live with a dysfunctional gay man with a thing for readheads. And you can have sex with whomever you want. And you have your kitties (no pun intended) all to yourself. And some day you will think "thank god I am not still married to that dysfunctional gay man". I have conditioner-head as well, but I put mine in a ponytail so instead of looking like a bad-haired short woman I look like a 12 year old. Congrats on the bonus, spend it on something great that will lift your spirits! | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 674 Registered: 10-2003 |
Ess, if you take me out for a Success at the Office Dinner then I'll have to find someone else to take me out to Friendly's for my Semester is Over Sundae. Chopped Liver (Greene), I don't think I have flourished. I haven't crashed, I am coasting. I still miss my old life wherein I loved school, volunteering, my future and all those other things I don't have. Now, I still do what I love, but it's different (staying home and knitting with the cats) and I don't see the future in it. Wow, Lizzie...you got a NOTE? Cool. I'm not beating myself up, I know it wasn't my fault. I know I was the best wife anyone could want and this was all in him. Some people say it takes two, but you most certainly know sometimes it's just one. It would still be neet to know a few 'whys' - I am impressed you can go on without them. Really. I remember sitting on the steps with my doll& jewelry box in my suitcase... VIG, even as a child you accessorized. Nice. Wendy, our friend T thought Sam was gay the first time she met him. She used to call and ask, 'How's your gay husband? | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1464 Registered: 8-2003 |
"then I'll have to find someone else to take me out to Friendly's for my Semester is Over Sundae. " oooooh ooooh OOOOH!! ME!! Pick ME!!! | ||
| ess Citizen Username: Ess Post Number: 560 Registered: 11-2001 |
WAIT ONE SECOND! I didn't know it was one or the other. I want to come on the "Semester Is Over" sundae celebration, too!! I was going to suggest lingerie shopping, but then realized we might run into your late gay husband there. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2467 Registered: 9-2002 |
I can totally hear T saying that. Hey at least you are coasting not breaking or stopped. Coasting means just waiting for someone/something to make you step on the accelerator to get to flourishing. Hang in there, it will come. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3544 Registered: 5-2001 |
BTW Las, Mr. ViG confided in me he LOVED Nip/Tuck, specifically because of the sex scenes. Should I worry? | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4590 Registered: 2-2003 |
Okay we all need to do the las success at the office dinner AND the sundae at friendly's.... Congrats on the bonus las. You should definitely treat yourself to something, a pedicure, facial, new stuff to knit with.... | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2469 Registered: 9-2002 |
Ummm Friendly's... In HS we would go to the one in New Providence and I would eat one of those giganto sundaes, I think the Reeces Pieces one. Nothing like a pile of peanut butter, fudge and marshmellow sauce at the bottom of an ice cream bowl. And I was so thin then.... | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1466 Registered: 8-2003 |
hey wendyn - I think we like the same ice cream....Reese's Pieces Sundae's AND Chubby Hubby!  | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2471 Registered: 9-2002 |
Gotta be the peanut butter. I used to get mint chocolate chip ice cream in my sundae. Mint and PB together. Yummmmm. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6188 Registered: 5-2001 |
OK, guys. Las is having a horrible time. Let's not be so selfish. Focus, focus! So, Las - what kind of ice cream do you like?  | ||
| sportsnut Citizen Username: Sportsnut Post Number: 2204 Registered: 10-2001  |
Las - When I was in your shoes many years ago I polled everyone that had ever left their significant other in an attempt to learn the who, what, when, where and why. I received enough responses to fill ten books and after it all I still felt sad, alone and empty. My therapist at the time said that I was a rational person looking for a rational answer to explain an irrational emotion. Love really is an irrational emotion. It makes people do crazy things. It makes you do crazy things like try to understand why someone who loved you decided he didn't. There is no answer that you could hear that would make it any easier. What you need is time and that's the one thing you can't stop. Take your bonus and entertain your MOL friends and buy something that will make you feel better. Use it to go on a vacation. Visit your sister have some fun. Think of your bonus as the first in series of really good things that are going to start coming your way. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3547 Registered: 5-2001 |
"Think of your bonus as the first in series of really good things that are going to start coming your way." I love that S'nut. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2045 Registered: 9-2003  |
Consider running away from your problems, with a friend. When my ex-husband basically left me (2 fake suicide attempts and an affair with a ditzy co-worker all because he didn't have the guts to say "but I don' wanna grow up") I got really quite miserable as I'd listened to all his manic-depressive crap, his family romanza, and tried to help. After alla that? He cheats, and he loses his marbles. Veddy depressing, and me out some serious money. My best friend at the time sez to me: "So, what are you doing for the holidays?" I said, "I don't know but I'd rather be anywhere but here." We quickly put together a dirt cheap trip on British Airways to London for a week. Got a passport lickety split. We were in the air over new year's. It was the best thing I ever did, and it was an absolute running away from despair, mediocrity and a feeling that no one would ever love me again. I came back changed. Things hadn't got perfect, but I was strong. Travel. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 675 Registered: 10-2003 |
These past eight months have lasted a hundred years. I feel like I should have some visions of the future by now, but realistically it's only been a short time, and admittedly, the fog only started to lift a few weeks ago. I know I will never have an answer and sometimes I accept that. I also know with time the intensity of my emotions will dampen, and with that the memories will fade, as will my anger over things I had but no longer do. I certainly can't see myself in love again ('tho getting laid once in a while might be nice), and although I wish I could envision a life for myself I can only seem to see as far as the end of the week. I think the hardest part right now is moving past the anger of having given him my twenties and thirties, my beauty, my growing up as well as having to have prostituted myself during the legal procedings despite all of his scummy actions. I keep reminding myself over time I will heal in some fashion, he has to live with himself. For the record: Reeces Pieces Sundae with vanilla ice cream. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3549 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well lady, tell us what YOU are going to do FOR YOURSELF with your secret bonus! And I don't mean something charitable...I know you enough to know that's a given. Indulge me. Let me live vicariously through your secret bonus. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1468 Registered: 8-2003 |
"with that the memories will fade, as will my anger over things I had but no longer do." I hope you one day find you have new things you never had that you would never have had with assface, that are even more valuable to you. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 676 Registered: 10-2003 |
VIG, I don't know yet. Oddly, I had so much work at work today I didn't have time to figure it out, only enough time to post! And Pippi, I do have something: girlfriends. I haven't had one since high school, now I've got some of the best friends ever. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1469 Registered: 8-2003 |
 meanwhile, if you're too busy to decide what to do, let us help! We can decide for you! VIG suggested Copperhood Inn. that sounds good and relaxing, but I think you should go somewhere WARM, it's getting coooold around here. How about a spa in ARIZONA? any other suggestions, MOLers? | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3550 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh yeah, I forgot the freedom one might have to go to different locations via airplane. Well, another thought would be a small exclusive inn on an island. My contractor went to one on ST. Kitts. The kind of place where there are only a few guests, service is very personalized...there is someone to cater to your every whim. He said there are g reat deals on www.luxurylink.com. I'm sure you can find a place suitable. I tend to like smaller places because they are so initmate. I have great memories of nibbling on muffins and cheese at B&B's and sharing interesting conversations with proprietors and other guests. If it's too big I get less social, and there's something nice about making friends—even if it's a short lived friendship from a trip. |
