| Author | Message | ||
     greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6168 Registered: 5-2001  |
Cool! Happy, Merry.... don't seem to cut it! Now, this is one occassion where a food platter would be a very thoughtful and welcome gift, no? Just thinking about the Please Help thread! | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2041 Registered: 9-2003  |
Oh, yeah. People are crazy to turn up their noses at free food, or view it as a diss. I always have told Curt I'm easy cuz I never thought roses or chocolates were thoughtless gifts, or in the past (thinking about relatives) those weird little Hickory Farms baskets. People are just too durned PICKY!!! Especially to me, right now (as I know you can imagine). Some days, my sister utterly PO's me in the stuff she stews about given what she has. But, in the right moments, she can be just fine. So, I blow off the rest and look for the soul sister stuff from my best friend. I guess it helps that I'm blunt, too. "Fester" is not something I do much.....!!! Nor, suffer in silence. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22540 Registered: 6-2001  |
Great news indeed! Nice belated b-day gift for the kid! | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1848 Registered: 5-2001 |
Happy News; Merry News; Great News; Outstanding News!!!!! I am more than joyful! | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2772 Registered: 9-2003 |
Tis the season -- and what a season it will be for the Cynical Family!! Such wonderful news, warm him up, fatten him up, drug him down and pop some champage on New Year's Eve!! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2124 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn that is FABULOUS news! I wish I was there to bring over some muffins or something. SOL - how is your BIL doing? Last I checked I think the news was discouraging? Hope all is well. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2775 Registered: 9-2003 |
I was going to write something about treasuring the moments this holiday.. but you know what? It sucks. He started the next round of chemo the day before Thanksgiving and he feels like crap. According to his wife, this round is just going to prolong his life - there is no hope for beating it. I still hope for a miracle. Greenmom got one, Curt got one, my friend's husband got one. I'd settle for an extra year or two or three ... I just can't handle the thought of months. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6177 Registered: 5-2001 |
Well, it doesn't help at all, but we know how you feel. It is probably also worse at this time a year because you are Supposed To Be Merry. Ya never can tell what's going to happen. Hang in there. It's funny about "settling for an extra two or three years". I said that over the summer, when things looked really dire. I just wanted her to be strong enough to have Xmas with her grandkids in Chicago. I got that. Now I want more. I want her to have another year to have her normal life back, to go back to work, visit us and hang out with her friends. Take a vacation. This is truly a situation where you get an inch and want a whole lot of miles. | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 2130 Registered: 5-2005  |
SOL it seems miracles can happen prayers or good Karma seems to go a long way in this thread. I hope there is enough left for your loved one miracles can happen. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2046 Registered: 9-2003 |
SoOrLady, you never know. Also, when I speak of Curt's being (at present) detectably cancer-free, it doesn't mean it won't come back. There's no hope of beating his genetic cancer either. They know it will recur, and probably sooner than we'd like. At best, the rest of his life (hopefully long-ish as opposed to a year or two) will be constant vigilance punctuated by rounds of chemo. But, I'll take it. If your BiL is lucky, maybe they can get it at bay and the length of life and quality of life will be better than it looks right now. The chemo literally knocked the stuffing out of Curt. While his weight is going up slowly, he's just 117 lb, doesn't drive, and is weary. But his personality is here. But, a month or so ago I thought he was dying. I still do most everything, though now he can fold laundry, make simple meals, help with homework. A year of all of this has modified my expectations, though certainly sometimes I have a big cry over how much has changed. The various drugs to deal with the symptoms do help, and all of the effort to eat/find edible food, generally stay alive. What can I say? I'm glad Curt and your BiL are here and are doing their chemo as it really can take care of some of this. This has been an exhausting year, with unbelievable lows. Right now, we feel like that Elton John song "I'm still standing" and that feels like enough. Completely agree with greenetree on this: "This is truly a situation where you get an inch and want a whole lot of miles." | ||
| Bob K Supporter Username: Bobk Post Number: 9861 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn, all the more reason for both of you to go out, get sloppy drunk, dance on the table and lip sync Elvira. Go for it kid. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2059 Registered: 9-2003 |
You're right, Bob K. As soon as he's able. Got a $39 bottle of Moet for this evening... | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2060 Registered: 9-2003 |
Drank the champagne. Woke up a bit fuzzy, here. Momma, don't let your babies grow up to wear patches. Fentanyl patches, that is. Well, that's a little strong. They are actually quite good for what they're good for, but as Curt said last night, he feels stuck. What goes right now is he needs to get some kind of bone scan of his back to see the status of the long neglected disc or whatever issue. Which I'm scheduling. Long-time readers may recall that there was some dispute in May as to the source of his pain. Cancer? Back? Anyway, so if the cancer ain't doin' it, got to check out the back. That specialist is assessing. Meanwhile, the current Fentanyl patches aren't cutting it for as long as they should so in a sense he's in a state where, for every 36 hours, about 6 of them are any "good." The rest are dozy or less than optimal. Too, alla that gets in the way of appetite, rest etc. So, it's possible that he will go up in Fentanyl while the back gets sorted out, so's to get fatter/stronger to later deal with withdrawal. May take something called Provigil which helps with awakeness. It's always something! I've never been an anti-prescription, eat grass holistic type but watching all of this certainly has it's effect. Am I still happy? Yes, most certainly. Just in a slightly "many rivers to cro-oss" place. Time to fold laundry. Idle brain cells are the devil's workshop.... | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6199 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - there needs to be a law that people who have cancer and beat it should get one year free from any other physical ailments. Not that it is anywhere near as a PIA or difficult as a bad disc, but mom's been down the last week with bronchitis and laryngitis. C'mon. Haven't they (and we) earned a bit of a break here? Signed, Still happy, too. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2065 Registered: 9-2003 |
Lord, yes. Just not getting it today! | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2130 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hi everyone - Just wanted to let you all know that my father entered hospice today, and honestly, it's an odd sense of relief. I don't have what it takes to tell the whole story right now - maybe tomorrow. But please know that this blog has been a great source of support for me, and has been very therapeutic. Thank you Debby | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2071 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, I am glad for any relief you are feeling and for any theraputic value my/our posts provide. Let us know when you feel able. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6229 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby - thank you, too, for being part of our band of misfit toys. I don't think I'd have made it through without every single person who has been part of it. I had looked into hospice at one point; from what I can tell, in a horrible situation, it is a wonderful, supportive place. I hope that it does bring peace to your entire family. As Cyn said, we're here when you are ready. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 693 Registered: 10-2003 |
I'm thinking of you, Debby, and wishing you fitful sleeps at night. I'm sure this is all surreal for you. - L. | ||
| maple Citizen Username: Maple Post Number: 62 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, It's so hard to have a parent who is sick. My prayers are with you and your family | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2803 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby, just checking in and wishing you some peace of heart. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2132 Registered: 5-2001 |
Aarghh...I finally got around to start posting the feeding tube saga, got about a third of the way thru, and my kid put his homework planner down on the keyboard, and ...poof! Anyway, to make a long story bearable, my father's body actually spit out the feeding tube on Monday, two days before he was scheduled to shift to hospice. The nurse thought the tube was clogged, and sent him to the ER to try to resolve it, and when they checked him he had 101 fever, had lost 2 units of blood, and the feeding tube, although in the abdominal cavity, was no longer in his stomach (which is why it wouldn't flush). They started presenting options to my mom, and wanted to do surgery to reinsert the tube. After a lot of talking and soul-searching we all decided that it would be cruel to do surgery. The last time decimated his brain, he was sundowning so terribly after the general anesthesia and pain killers. And even with the feeding tube in, he's lost 17 pounds in the last month. And he has internal bleeding. SO so many systems are breaking down, why would we put him through surgery to put back a feeding tube that wasn't able to save him anyway??? The timing was very unfortunate, because I think if it had happened once he was already "hospice" they never even would have transferred him back to the hospital. But I think it was a good opportunity to talk about all these things. And to tell you the truth, I feel like we've dodged a bullet with the feeding tube coming out by itself. I know feeding tubes can create horribly difficult end-of-life decisions - and now the decision's been made for us...it's out. I believe it came out for a reason; it was time. Prayers will be appreciated. | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3584 Registered: 5-2001 |
You're in my thoughts Debby. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1497 Registered: 8-2003  |
Many prayers are coming your way, Debby. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6245 Registered: 5-2001 |
Sending your dad peaceful, painless thoughts. We are all with you. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22564 Registered: 6-2001 |
Debby, it's such a tough decision but it is the right one. Having the whole family on board - all reluctantly but with love and compassion for your Dad - is really key. I know the nightmare you're in right now - please know you're in my thoughts and prayers. Feel free to contact me if you need an ear. bets | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2080 Registered: 9-2003 |
What bets said. My mother had a feeding tube at one point, and it was a terribly tough decision. She lasted a little while beyond that but was, even in the mental state she was in, incredibly frustrated by it and why she could eat (aspirating food and so on). I still think about it. Much good wishes your way and glad you and your family are together on this... | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2488 Registered: 9-2002  |
Our thoughts are with you and your family through this difficult time. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4634 Registered: 2-2003  |
So I am sitting here with my parents, visiting my father, and read about you Debby. My prayers are with you and your family. I am nervous as hell. My dad is worse by the day. He was a genious in his time, several inventions. Today he couldn't understand what retirement benefits are. He can still walk, get around, but not without some assistance. My mother has been a saint. Taking care of him and his every need. Never complaining, never asking for a break. My sister, who lives here, has tried to make this all about her. It is unbelievable. She complains when she has to drive forty minutes to the house. Then all she does is snap at my mom. Tell my mom how "horrible" she is, how she isn't going to parent like her. I finally couldn't take it anymore and just went off, asked her to stop, leave mom alone. My sister looked at me, dazed and confused. She leaves, and calls me on my cell, asking me what she could have done that was so bad. Why is it her fault? Shouldn't mom be thinking about her, shouldn't mom be considerate of her. (This was all about gum, yes gum chewing.) Anyway, I just needed to rant. My sister has put me over the edge. I can't understand how someone could be this selfish. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 716 Registered: 10-2003 |
Red, why don't you suggest your sister take the weekend off and you'll cover for her. After all, she works so tirelessly for your parents, you're sure she could use somer personal time. Then change the locks and reverse the numbers on the front of the house before she returns. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6263 Registered: 5-2001 |
Red - In times like these, you sometimes learn things about people that you wish you never had. Some people find it easier to get upset about stupid things than the real issue in their face. It doesn't make it easier on the rest of the family. Hang in there. Deb - how are things today? | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4636 Registered: 2-2003 |
Nice! Love it! I honestly don't even know what if anything she does for my parents. This is just getting worse by the minute. My sister calls my mom, and starts telling my mom how I don't have any responsibilty in taking care of my dad and helping out. I live in New Jersey, and how dare I say anything to her. I can do whatever I want, and she is stuck here; tied down. My dad just looked at my mom and says "why can't she move? She doesn't have to stay here." Of course, I am bursting at the seams laughing. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4637 Registered: 2-2003 |
Oh yeah, we are all supposed to go out together tomorrow to lunch..... | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2810 Registered: 9-2003 |
Like Greenetree says - the family dynamic in these types of situations can be mind boggling. Nothing is normal. Hang in there. | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6746 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby: My prayers are with you, your Dad and the rest of your family. It sounds like things are truly in G-d's hands now. Has your father been able to go into hospice or is the hospital insisting on keeping him there? RedY67: What you are describing is so normal. I can remember several such conversations over the years and I am certain others reading this thread can too. It's the worry, fatigue, self imposed pressure and love your family members have for one another which is contributing to the tension you feel. Unfortunately, it is not always possible to work through these feelings but it is worth giving it a try. You really don't know what your sister has been going through physically or emotionally during your father's illness. Why don't you try finding some quiet time for just the two of you and talking out both of your feelings, try to reach some decisions about what each of you can do to make your parents' situation a little easier? It just may help to clear the air a little and could have some positive results. My prayers are with you and your family. | ||
| redY67 Citizen Username: Redy67 Post Number: 4639 Registered: 2-2003 |
Thanks Joan, I have already talked to my sister at length about what is going on. I know she is emotionally broken, and distraught. She and my mom have never gotten along. The situation is making it more tense. I just feel so badly for my mom, because my sister has ALWAYS been like this with my mom. With the pressure my mom has, taking care of my dad 24/7 she doesn't need this. Maybe today when we have to meet more will come out and it will help, but I don't have high hopes. My sister has never been able to realize she makes mistakes too. She won't take ownership for anything she does. Last night was the perfect example. She was nagging and pushing my mother, non-stop. Three times I asked her just to stop, and she kept going. That's when I blew, told her she was being unfair. She just doesn't see it, and tried to turn it around on me, because I do nothing. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2138 Registered: 5-2001 |
Hey everyone - Yesterday I cried enough for the whole week. My aunt (Dad's sister) called from Israel and was questioning/challenging hospice and not repeating surgery. I was fine and calm talking to her and answering her questions and reminding her that he is, in fact, dying - regardless of what anybody does or doesn't do to him. Then I called my Mom to give her the heads up so she wouldn't be upset by my aunt. Well after that I just completely lost it. I was so angry at my aunt. I know it's hard for her, and she's not living with it, and it must be really scary to lose your younger brother. But I was still so hurt and angry. Eveidently, my mom called her today, and got her to see the reality of the situation. She's a good woman, my mom. Joan - yes it is in G-d's hands, as it should be. I'm just glad G-d made the feeding tube decision, so we wouldn't have to. They are getting lots of visitors, and my Dad is very comfortable. He is eating and drinking when he wants to - he is thirsty but not much of an appetite. I will fly up again Thursday or Friday (I'll book the ticket as soon as TS speaks to his employer). redY - where are you now? Where do your parents live? I'm sorry for all the friction with your sister. I think your Dad's right "She can just move!" I think at time of crisis, people either rise to the occasion and you see in them strength and compassion that you never knew existed, or they regress. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6266 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby - you & your mom are amazing. It takes incredible inner strength to be able to deal with other peoples' different a "opinions" in these times. I think I can conjur up how you felt yesterday while you were on the phone with her. An outward display of patience, kindness and soothing voice. An inner mind screaming "if I don't get off of this phone and away from this conversation right now, I will loose my friggin' mind". Is that it? Feeling like you will literally pass out on the spot if the other person does not stop talking. Sorry if I'm projecting. But, realize that she wasn't really second guessing you; she was speaking from absolute fear. Not that she is the only one terrified about what is going on, methinks. Have a safe trip up. Continuing to send the peaceful thoughts. And lots of virtual kleenex. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2139 Registered: 5-2001 |
Dear, dear greenetree - not projecting at all. That's it exactly | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6748 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby: It's amazing how a seemingly little thing which you could normally handle with little or no difficulty can really send you over the edge at a time like this. One thing I learned the hard way is that allowing yourself to really lose it is sometimes the best gift you can give yourself at a time like this. Don't be afraid to let go if and when you need to. You should be grateful that your dad is so comfortable right now. That in and of itself is a true blessing. |
