| Author | Message | ||
     wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1886 Registered: 5-2001 |
Greenetree, I just sent you an email. My thoughts are very much with you, TS, your mom and the rest of your immediate universe during this time. Just think, if nothing else, you and Cynicalgirl have helped put my commuting nightmare in perspective as I rejoin the working stiff world. Merry Christmas from one Jew (who also celebrates that because of many ties to others) to another. Wendy | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6343 Registered: 5-2001  |
Wendy - thank you. I sent you a message. Cyn - yeah. Where's that friggin' angel when you need him? You are right. I am not a crier. And never in front of anyone. When I first got off the phone with my brother on Friday, I was so angry. I thought about tossing my desk chair across the room, but only for a split second. I have no upper body strength, you see, and probably would have put my back out trying to even pick it up. I'm seriously glad that I wasn't home. I would have broken a lot of dishes in the kitchen. I felt that level of violence within myself. Not sure at whom. Everyone. Anyone. No one. I sat there for about an hour, too stunned to do much of anything. And then I drove home. Today, I went out and raked up all of the leaves that I didn't get to in November. I thought about a lot of things. I thought about the party I went to last week, full of congratulatory, happy people, amazed at my mother's miracle. I raked and raked. With lots of vigor. What normally takes me all afternoon took an hour. Mom sounded much better today. Friday and yesterday, she was a mess. Not that this is surprising. I measure every word and tone of voice. Is she upset? Or is it the cancer? How much independence do I allow her? Will she lose her balance on the stairs? Again, again, again, again. Same ••••, different day. We will all be in Chicago next weekend. Poptart Guy called today. He asked how long it had been since I'd been with my (Jewish) family on Christmas. Twenty-two years. I figure, TS being Christian, it is her family's holiday. But, this year is different. It will be Frought With Meaning. I think that with enough xaxax, I can get thru it. If there is any consolation, it is that my brothers don't seem to understand what exactly we are dealing with. I realize that I lied a few months back when I said that I wished that my mom would get well enough to spend Christmas with her grandkids. I lied, lied, lied. It's not enough. Not near enough. Yeah. I'm ungrateful. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2108 Registered: 9-2003  |
god ALMIGHTY, YES!! It is never enough, goddamit. And tough schit. Too friggin' bad. Screw grateful. And fraught with meaning blows, too. Too Lifetime. The violence, yeah. During cancer surgery times I have felt like I wanted to be in the operating theatre. I wanted to SEE the cancer, look it STRAIGHT IN IT'S NON FACE and blast it with a shot gun. With nukes, with whatever, leaving its little sons and daughters screaming in agony. I have felt "on a war footing," I have wanted to kill. I have wanted to go in there and tell all those doctors and nurses to take seriously what they are doing, and who they are doing it to. I have wanted to go in with my bare hands and rip it out. I have NEVER felt such anger and violence as I have felt in the face of cancer. I so feel for you it's making me sick. So. In January they want to start shrinking this stuff, right? I realize odds are odds, but mightn't this work? I mean, realistically, we all have a death sentence hanging over our heads... If I say anything stupid, hit me. Don't tell me there's two points of view, blah-blah. Just hit me. No one going through this needs anyone's stupid thoughts, even if they're those of a fellow traveller. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6345 Registered: 5-2001 |
No, Cyn. You have no idea how much your post above means to me. I need to be reminded that there is always a chance, it was caught early, etc. I was kicking myself last night - why didn't we just do the PCI right away? It would be done by now & maybe this wouldn't have had a chance to grow. But then I remembered why. We got the "all clear" 3 weeks before Tgiving. She wanted to think about it and do some research. She had to go talk to the doctor about it. Poptart Guy and his family were coming for Tgiving. She didn't want to chance having any side effects from the PCI that would prevent that. And then she wanted to get ready for Xmas - shopping, lunching with friends, being excited. Getting ready to go back to work. Being Not Sick. Being someone who Beat Cancer. PCI was just something on the to-do list for January. So, even if it let the cancer grow, I'm glad she did it. Because we don't know what she would have missed if she hadn't. And weirdly enough, she said something to me last week about staying in Chicago another day so that she could spend two whole days with all her grandkids in one place instead of just one. So, I changed her ticket to come home Tuesday instead of Monday. I am glad I did. Cyn - I need to hear what you said, especially from you. Because I completely know where it is coming from. In fact, I think you just gave me the energy to go to work. Thanks. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2110 Registered: 9-2003 |
Glad to be of use. Sometimes you just have fukk pacifism, fukk zen. And I do believe in talking to inanimate objects, and even animate "unconsicous" objects as a way to beat them back to their proper place. I'm sure there's some sort of wretched, much studied psycho-philosophical cult built around it somewhere, but for now, I'll just tell them who's boss. To paraphrase one of my favorite oldies: "We fired our guns/And the cancer kept a comin'/There wasn't as many as there was a while ago/Came so fast that the chemo couldn't catch 'em...." But we won that one, btw (Battle of New Orleans, us v British). Buck up, belt up we're here for you (and staring down a gun barrel trained on them cancer suckers). | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2114 Registered: 9-2003 |
Went to the pain doc today; discovered what we suspected and had read online: not all generic transdermal patches are the same, and the crap version he was using wasn't helping. Trigger point injections. Plan is a series of these, then face the demon of coming down from Fentanyl. First, deal with the root cause of the pain. Sorta wish I could fly him to a hot place with a bevy of Swedish nurses to help him detox. Or, his old Viet Nam military buddies. The better to fatten you up, my pretty, and give you more chemo to keep the wee beasties away.... Actually not in a half bad mood as Curt-meister was feeling pretty decent. My sleuthing on the patches proved true so he has some faith in me. We drove through West Orange and Verona to Caldwell where the doc is. I like the looks of WO and V, and they look more affordable -- not that anyone'sup for moving. Thereafter, we went to Essex Green to do a little Christmas shopping. This evening I wrapped stuff and that is done. OK with where things are. Having a day where I'm not fed up. It will/would be nice to have my whole husband back, a bit healthier, able to drive and stuff and not a perpetual medical emergency. But for today I'll take this and like it. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6373 Registered: 5-2001 |
So, speaking of nice things that happen: This past Sunday, our friends with kids came over for our annual "trash the kitchen under the guise of making Xmas treats" party. One 10 y/o boy (he of the "can he use a knife" thread) came early to make the cupcakes with TS. In preparation, TS got out all the baking euqipment and ingredients so that he could just do the recipe reading, measuring and mixing when he arrived. I was putting oil on something and, not wanting to leave my diamond band where The Monster would get to it, I stuck it in a measuring cup. Several hours later, with 4 kids, 6 adults and a kitchen that looked like it had been bombed, I noticed that my ring was not on my finger. Went thru the garbage, the garbage disposal, the flour and the sugar. Nothing. It must be in a cupcake. Nonsense, I was told. We ate a lot of cupcakes, but no ring. When the kids left, each took some of the remaining cupcakes. I jokingly said to them "if you bite in and find a ring, it's mine. You can't keep it". I was sad to think that my ring was gone forever. Last night, after listening to me lament my ring and knowing how sad I am, TS said "what would you give to find your ring in your stocking"? I knew that she had it. And she did. Where did you find it? I asked. I didn't, said she. The 10 y/o took his last cupcake to school for lunch. Guess what he bit into. He put it in his pocket, took it home and gave it to his mom, who brought it over before I got home. What a great kid! | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22599 Registered: 6-2001  |
I knew it!!! | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1542 Registered: 8-2003  |
Oh! GT I was feeling your pain... glad for the happy ending! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6374 Registered: 5-2001 |
Pip - I was thinking about you when I was writing that post! Bets - you were the only one who believed me, if I recall correctly! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6376 Registered: 5-2001 |
Mom keeps bringing up her cats. I have promised not to separate them. I have also said that it is not anything we have to worry about for awhile. This morning, we were talking and I realized that she knows what she has, knows that there is some danger in waiting for treatment and has chosen to spend Xmas with her family, no matter what the cost. I think I mentioned the other day that Poptart Guy's attitude is "Yeah, so, she was gonna do this treatment anyway, she'll just have to do it a couple more times". Baby Bro and I have talked several times. We've not discussed mom. We've discussed the transit strike (how will they get to the airport) and finding a dermatologist (his major worry right now). TS said to me last night "Your mother is the friggin' Energizer Bunny. Why are you not hearing the '90%'? Someone beats these odds, why can't it be her"? Mom had told me that she was worried that Normal Bro wouldn't take the cats because he is getting his girlfriend two kittens for Xmas and he doesn't want 4 cats. I called him awhile ago. So, what are you going to do with 4 cats? Look, I've put off getting cats for a year. At this point, mom isn't going to need to find a home for them for a very long time. Hmph. Are you takig the day off to spend with her until Poptart Guy gets back from his in-laws? I don't know. I haven't thought about it. Well, she gets nervous and scared. Think about it. It suddenly occured to me that perhaps I am the one who is crazy. I've been thinking that they are all in denial. But, maybe TS is right. It goes against every grain of my nature to be optimistic. Maybe I don't have to be optimistic. Maybe I'm just wrong on my expectations. I spent several months refusing to let my mom believe that she was going to die. Maybe I'm the one who needs a kick in the arse. Just thinking out loud, here..... | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2824 Registered: 9-2003 |
From what I've read in all the alternative medicine sites, a positive attitude is directly connected to survival rates. Keep doin' what you're doin' - the jokes, the laughing, the lack of sympathy (which we all know you really have, but you just won't let her buy into the "pity me, I have cancer" syndrome)and refusing to allow her to think she's dying. You carry much on your shoulders, but in the long run, you'll be glad you did. | ||
| Debby Citizen Username: Debby Post Number: 2151 Registered: 5-2001 |
He's gone. I got home from a school concert at about 8:15 tonight and there was a message from my brother, "Debby, we're at the home with Dad, and it looks like it's going to be soon. Please call as soon as you hear this message." I started dialing the phone and breathing weird and doing this weird autistic flicky finger thing that I have NEVER done before, and my mom answered and said "He's gone". He had died about 10 minutes earlier. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2116 Registered: 9-2003 |
Oh, Debby. I'm so sorry to hear your news. I'm glad you were able to see him this past weekend. | ||
| Barbara Citizen Username: Blh Post Number: 580 Registered: 5-2001  |
Debby My sincere condolences to you and your family. As I wrote early in this blog, I lost my Dad seven years ago after a lengthy illness. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. There's still pain that he's not here -- but gradually the joy of the good memories ease out the pain. I hope the transition goes easily for you and your family, and that the good memories sustain you. Barbara | ||
| Virtual It Girl Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 3658 Registered: 5-2001 |
Sorry for your loss Debby. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6380 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby- I'm sorry. I think I would have had a lot of trouble dialing, too. We're here if you want to tell us about him or yell or cry or anything at all. | ||
| Wendyn Supporter Username: Wendyn Post Number: 2558 Registered: 9-2002  |
Debby, I am so sorry for your loss. | ||
| las Citizen Username: Las Post Number: 748 Registered: 10-2003 |
Oh, Debby we're here, please keep writing. Tell us what we can do for you. Connect with your family and remember your Dad together. I wish you strength and inner peace. - Lynn | ||
| Meandtheboys Citizen Username: Meandtheboys Post Number: 2447 Registered: 12-2004  |
Deepest sympathies Debby. My thoughts are with you and your family. | ||
| SoOrLady Citizen Username: Soorlady Post Number: 2830 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby - I'm so sorry for your loss - sending thoughts for strength and peace of heart. | ||
| Pippi Supporter Username: Pippi Post Number: 1548 Registered: 8-2003 |
Debby - thinking of you today. My deepest deepest condolences. He will always be with you, in your heart and in your memories | ||
| sac Supporter Username: Sac Post Number: 2945 Registered: 5-2001 |
Oh Debby, I'm so sorry. Many thoughts and prayers coming your way. | ||
| maple Citizen Username: Maple Post Number: 65 Registered: 9-2003 |
Debby....So sorry to hear about your father, it's so hard. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. | ||
| bets Supporter Username: Bets Post Number: 22605 Registered: 6-2001 |
My heart goes out to you & your family. | ||
| algebra2 Supporter Username: Algebra2 Post Number: 3925 Registered: 5-2001  |
Debby -- I am so sorry. Straw and I are thing about you guys. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6386 Registered: 5-2001 |
I have some happy news to share. Mom has landed in Chicago. She & Normal Bro are going out for lunch & a drink while they wait for the airline to deliver her misplaced luggage. All sounds normal. Debby's loss and Seeingeyemom's passing make me so grateful for this holiday season. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6397 Registered: 5-2001 |
BTW - I am considering changing my screen name to "PC Sheriff". I am finding some of the current stupidity very cathartic. It keeps my mind off of our MOL family losses. As well as avoiding cleaning out the cat box. | ||
| Duncan Supporter Username: Duncanrogers Post Number: 5344 Registered: 12-2001  |
Debby my heart goes out to you. I, too, lost my father to a lengthy battle with emphesyma and even though we knew it was coming, it was still a gut punch to hear he finally died. And what a sad time of year for it to happen. I hope you can find solace in the memories of him and keep him alive through activities he loved and through his memory. And Greentree so nice to read that you mom is still hanging in there. If there is ever any silver lining to a lengthy sort of illness it is that you can catalogue and share all the things that are most important with friends and family. My prayers are with all who have lost and who face it. Here's to a Happy New Year., | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6405 Registered: 5-2001 |
Thanks, Duncan. I have already put the good camera out to be packed. As hard as this is for us, I am scared for my mom. You are right; we can spend our time making memories. I talked to my mom last night, who had just gotten off the phone with her oncologist. Dr. X told me that he wouldn't say the cure rate is as high as 90%. He wondered where I got that number. Mom, I never said "cure". I said "shrink". And, to be honest, I don't think that Dr. Y yet realizes that he has to be very honest with me. Well, we need to be realistic. Yeah, but your cancer has not done anything predictable yet. And we still have options. I know. But I'm just tired of all this. I'm sure you are. Dr. X said that we could do Gamma Knife. There are only 3 places in the country that do it. Maybe I'll do it at Rush. Sure. I've heard about two people this last week who had brain cancer and were still around 5 years later. I know. They didn't have small cell, so it is a little different. BTW, Normal Bro says I have to stop using my lung cancer and my brain cancer as an excuse to yell at people. Well, you don't have lung cancer anymore. Who did you yell at now? United Airlines. When they lost my luggage and the woman said "I'll help you if you stop yelling" I said "Look, this isn't yelling. I have brain cancer and lung cancer and you haven't even begun to see me yell. Trust me". What did she say? Not much. Oh, I did tell the woman at the Cleveland Browns store who called to tell me that they were out of stock on a sweatshirt for your nephew that they e-mailed me last week that had shipped, that I have brain and lung cancer and can't go out shopping. So, she sent me a $50 sweatshirt for the cost of the $19 one that I had ordered. I've seen a change in her. She is very matter-of-fact about forgetting common words. It also dawned on me that she has a relationship with her oncologist that I will never understand. They know each other in a way that can't. She is ready to hear the truth, make peace with it and go on with her life. I am pretty numb about the whole thing. Part of me is relieved; I don't know if I could have kept going. The other part is at a loss; I am no longer controlling things. But then, I never did control the cancer, did I? I have even resisted the urge to tell my brothers how to treat her while she's in Chicago. I have actually accepted the fact that she is their mom, too, and they have their own relationship with her. Even tho two of them pick fights when they get scared. I guess they'll just fight. We are all less anxious, less "high alert". I think everyone knows somehow that mom has to take it from here. And I think she will do a great job of it. Whatever happens. In the meantime, if you run across a woman with a short, silver haircut, dressed to kill, looking like she just got back from Florida (some foundation she gets on QVC) and she yells at you because you screwed something up and she doesn't have time or patience because she has brain cancer, give her the benefit of the doubt. It's probably my mother. And, trust me. You don't want the wrath of Greenemom reigning down on you! | ||
| Joan Supporter Username: Joancrystal Post Number: 6817 Registered: 5-2001 |
Debby: I am so very sorry for your loss of your father's physical presence. May he always live on in your fond memories of the times you had together. May we all have the happiest and healthiest of years in 2006. | ||
| I am the Straw Supporter Username: Strawberry Post Number: 6565 Registered: 10-2001 |
Debby, I liked your Father. He always had a smile on his face. He was really happy being a Grand Father. It's nice that both your boys will remember him the rest of their lives. This year it's going to be a tough holiday for you but years from now you'll consider it a blessing that your dad and the season are so closely related. You'll always think of him as a result come Chanukah and your memories will be very special. | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6422 Registered: 5-2001 |
Straw- I know that your words are to Debby, but I have to thank you for them. It's not the same thing, and yet, I sit here in Chicago, my entire family together, and your thoughts bring me comfort, too. I will never think of the holidays again the same way, no matter what happens. I will cherish this Christmas/Chanukah. I watched my mother today, watching her grandchildren ice skating. She did not know anyone was watching and she was crying. I cried, too. I browsed through some of the other posts and read some emails from people, frantic to tell me about things that are so irrelevent and unimportant. I just can't be bothered. Right now is a special time. Merry, Happy, Peace to all. | ||
| Lucy Supporter Username: Lucy Post Number: 2358 Registered: 5-2005  |
Dearest Greentree as usual you brought tears to my eyes cherish each moment this holiday! Please give your Mom a hug from her MOL family we are so happy for you both  | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2129 Registered: 9-2003 |
It's Christmas here in our joint, and all is well. Whatever the celebration, awareness of what's important surely is heightened given what all of us have gone through this year, the losses, the fears, the comeback (we hope) kids. Debby, I second what everyone is saying about your Dad and your kids memories of him. Wonderful they were old enough to know him. greenetree, my heart is weeping for you and the window into your mother's soul. I'm gonna still hope there's considerable time ahead. I know we took lots of pictures this year, and it seems I'm the only one who knows why, some weird insurance against possible loss. I didn't take so many last year as I was kinda numb from the diagnosis. Best wishes to all you guys... | ||
| wendy Supporter Username: Wendy Post Number: 1910 Registered: 5-2001 |
I join in the all the sentiments expressed here. I hope everyone's Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year, are filled with love and laughter and less tears of sorrow. Best wishes to all for health, happiness and peace this year and the years to come. | ||
| I am the Straw Supporter Username: Strawberry Post Number: 6568 Registered: 10-2001 |
Greentree, I'm glad you are with your mom today. She sounds like a special person and she's fortunate to have a daughter such as yourself. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2132 Registered: 9-2003 |
Trepidation: This afternoon I take Curt to the oncologist for a follow-up. Was scheduled for Sat Jan 7 but doc is cancelling the Sat appointments. This is labs plus visit to talk about what next. Well, we get to hope labs don't say anything nasty, and what next is definitely more chemo to "take care of" any metasthesis. I know the doc won't be pleased that he hasn't gained more weight. He eats well, but I'm telling you the friggin' Fentanyl patches are awful and hurting progress. Even with Provigil, he is asleep or dozey more than alert. At the same time, no one's wanted to get into Fentanyl taper down while he's not strong so vicious cycle time. I think this week he should step down to 50's and then next week 25's. Everything I'm reading says that it's wise to get down to 25 asap and then more slowly get off 25. Messqage to all: do not let the doc prescribe these things for you. They are highly adictive morphine-like. Terrible withdrawal symptoms and not much to ameliorate. I'm not high (!) on the pain doc at present either. CRAP! | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 6425 Registered: 5-2001 |
Cyn - I know. It's great to look back at all the errors. Mom still thinks (and I agree) that if the radiation jerk had referred her to the GI guy earlier, she wouldn't have such extreme stricture issues. She has to have another stretching anr probably will every few weeks. But, the weekend was great. After that one time, I told her that she couldn't cry, because if she did, I would. I said that if she did it again, I was sending her home to GMF. We both laughed. I am sure that there were more private tears, which she is surely entitled to, hard as it is. But the rest of the weekend was unbridled joy at the chaos of 5 kids running around, losing their minds over Santa. And my two y/o niece adores her Grammy. Everytime she went into a room and my mom was there, she would scream "Gammy" and jump into her arms. And Baby Bro even helped do the dishes after dinner on Christmas. | ||
| Cynicalgirl Citizen Username: Cynicalgirl Post Number: 2133 Registered: 9-2003 |
I'm glad you and your family had such a splendid Christmas weekend together. It really sounds wonderful in every familial way -- down to the dishes doing. Ours, though lower key, was pretty swell. Curt had been feeling sleepy/dizzy so we had to cancel his mall outing with our kid -- postpone till Saturday actually. Saturday dawned and he felt same. I weighed the scene, read more stuff on Fentanyl and told him he had to get up and go, even if went for just a 1/2 hr. He had his cane, I'd be handy, but the kid and he could do some stuff. Well, my reading about his side effects compared to others emboldened him to go and all worked out fine. He wanted to stay longer than she did. Like the Easter plants last spring, this was a big deal for me and all I needed for Christmas. Well, let's cross our fingers that labs are OK and that I find exactly the right way to get across both the urgency of getting of the Fentanyl and press for any sound, practical advice on the side effects. We already know there will be vast shivering/chills, and sweats and other. But, it's one of those things I think where if you know it will end after a couple of days you can do it. It's the not knowing that's awful. And this is gross but true: If I need to be supportive of him coming off this stuff it is better work-wise now than later. I have to think practically alas. The insurance won't cover a detox place/scenario where he goes into some sort of care while getting rid of this. And most docs are kinda in denial about how several the "dependency" is. Very nasty. |
