| Author | Message | ||
     Dave Citizen Username: Dave Post Number: 586 Registered: 4-1998  |
Dear Microwave, What's the point, really? When I was at grad school some 15 years ago, you did overtime duty, re-heating take-out dishes, cranking out popcorn and even boiling water for Earl Grey. Today you're a sad shadow of your former self. Days, weeks go by and I wonder why you even bother staying connected to the AC outlet. Perhaps it's time to pull the plug. When you do work, you heat things unevenly. Just last week I burned myself on a quesadilla and yet part of it was still cool to the touch. At that rate I may as well heat things in the oven. I mean heating is supposed to be your "core capability." When I use the can-opener, the can gets opened. The toaster toasts. I'm done with you, microwave. I'm tired of your excuses about how "wavelengths" work and how it's really nature that's to blame. I know you have a rotating plate: you still can't help me procure an evenly radiated Pop-Tart. Although I appreciate the lessons in particle physics and the invisible spectrum of energy, your days are numbered, microwave. | ||
| buzzsaw Citizen Username: Buzzsaw Post Number: 1518 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dear remote for TV in smaller room, Where is it that you go to hide from me? Was it something I did? Am I not pressing the right buttons? Sure - I know I only use you when someone is watching the TV in the other room....but I needed you and you were not there for me. Please don't make me buy one of the replacement remotes that I must program. I am not good at that. Come back. | ||
| Dave Citizen Username: Dave Post Number: 591 Registered: 4-1998 |
Dear Alarm Clock, You're a brazen little bastard, aren't you? Regardless of the position of the sun, you sound off with your insane, relentless beeping. Sure, I know you're only doing what you're told and are, after all, only looking after my best interests. I suppose I should be grateful. And I would be except for one thing: the 9 mintue snooze. Who ordained that the Snooze button should only add 9 minutes more of sleepy time? Barely enough to re-enter REM sleep. For crying out loud, I can set my toaster to light medium or dark -- and even incremental settings between those three options. So why must I only get 9 minutes more exactly for every press of the Snooze button? Would it be so difficult to have options for 5, 10 and 20 minute snoozes? Is there any science behind the 9 minute snooze because I'd like to see it. Sure, maybe there are clocks on the market these days that do that, but I'm talking to YOU, alarm clock. Don't try to evade responsibility. You're time has come, alarm clock. You and your fiendish red glow. Your days are numbered. You think you're better than me? I'm starting to schedule my meetings for the afternoon. I'll just wake up when I wake up. Now what are you going to do? | ||
| Wendyn Citizen Username: Wendyn Post Number: 1131 Registered: 9-2002 |
Funny that you ask Dave... http://ask.yahoo.com/ask/20041112.html | ||
| Rick B Citizen Username: Ruck1977 Post Number: 386 Registered: 8-2003 |
Dear "Wife's old car that we are trying to sell" (ok its a stretch, but I hope he checks this forum, he is a nosy bastard), For five years we have used your service and enjoyed it. You have made many of our dreams come true and we have reached many a destination because of you. However, this past year, and for the last 12,000 miles, your behavior has become unacceptable. I know, I know, we have been talking for a year or so about buying a bigger car. One that can actually fit the dog AND baby. Its nothing personal, I understand your space limitations are not your fault, but your continued need to run over pot holes and cause flat tires last winter were no way to let us know of your jealousy. 2 Tires and a few patches later, you then started playing games with your alarm chirps, turning on and off with a strong wind gust. Your false alerting has caused us much embarassment, and not once have you drained the batter, but twice! Your stunt last saturday of getting me to leave the keys in you and then locking the doors was the last straw. Car, your fired. We are selling you. If you didn't see it, we have a shiny new big black car in the driveway (your old spot). He has heated seats, plenty of room, and long trips are a dream in him. I can pick up the Christmas tree, or even some new decking planks in him. Those "people" that have been randomly driving your are not our relatives, as we told you. They are your potential owners. They are checking to see just what an old cranky bastard you are. I suggest you start getting to know and like them, because the cost for advertising and insuring you are adding up too fast. Good Luck and Good Riddance, Your soon to be old owner's husband. | ||
| ffof Citizen Username: Ffof Post Number: 3088 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dear Frost Free freezer of my small meek basement Frig/Freezer unit, I am perplexed that you insist on creating icicles on my Eggo frozen waffles, icicles on the door, and icicles that slide down through the supposed seal of the door and the main refrigerator, thus preventing the door from closing. Don't you realize that if I get out a pick axe to break off this ice, that could hurt you? And you know that I don't want to hurt you...right? Now, please, do as the nice manufacturer said you would do, and be free of frost. | ||
| Parkbench87 Citizen Username: Parkbench87 Post Number: 1575 Registered: 7-2001 |
Dear 4 Slice Bagel/Toaster, When we first brought you home we had such high hopes for you. That gleam of stainless steel in your eyes gave us hope that you would be reliable and trustworthy. You seemed to hit it off with Wonder Bread slices. And for a while you two were inseperable. Then Lenders frozen Onion Bagels came into the picture. We thought that they would just be a passing fad but you just couldn't figure out how to balance the needs of both yeast based products. We could have lived with that but not with what was to transpire . What ended up being the defining day of your existence. The day you were introduced to Thomas Toaster Corn Cakes. You became so attached to them that you made it difficult to pry them from your grasp. I tried jimmying your switch and even inserted metal flatware into you. This caused tragic results. The Toaster cakes were reduced to crumbs and I was forced to clean your tray. I thought you would be a loyal servant but I guess I thought wrong. And now all I am left with is a slightly burnt fork and hunger in my gut | ||
| jeffl Citizen Username: Jeffl Post Number: 867 Registered: 8-2001 |
Dear Breadmaker, When I brought you home my buddy told me the over/under on loaves baked before I abandoned you was 15. He took under and won. I'm so sorry. Jeff | ||
| Flik Chik Citizen Username: Flikchik Post Number: 82 Registered: 3-2004  |
Dear electric stove and oven: I hate you. I have no softer words to express my dislike except to HATE you. Silly Slow Stove, I dislike you for being slow to start. You take forever to warm up. However once you get going, there seems to be no way to stop you. Anything in your way, you burn to a cinder or bubble over. Your knobs are located in the back leading me to burn the delicate underskin of my arm with vicious bubbles while trying to shut off your enthusiastic heat. Dear Onerous oven, You are a joke. Your arcane settings with dual knobs and a different timer attachment make using you impossible. The temperature settings don't work. The broiler is not effective. Oh! Why do I bother??? I hate you as much as I hate your friend, the stove anyway. The previous owners brought the two of you into their home and gave you a cosy nook in the kitchen. We continued the tradition and this is how you reward us? With blackened food and burnt arms!!! However your days are numbered. Soon, very soon you will fail your only supporter in this world - my husband and then you will be tossed on the street like yesterday's garbage. And I will get a new kitchen with shiny appliances... | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 4312 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dear Framistan, I laughed, I cried, I had my eyebrows burnt off, because of you. You have blown up my house, my neighbor's garage roof, and my sister's car. I tried to sell you to another MOLER and she and her family are still in therapy, and I'm fighting a law suit, due to you. I've written books about you (manuals anyway) and you've had your own thread here more than once. All this, and yet I feel like I still don't know you, what you are and what you stand for. What exactly are you, anyway? Love, mem | ||
| Rastro Citizen Username: Rastro Post Number: 450 Registered: 5-2004  |
Dear DirecTV "universal" remote, I know it's go to be tough to remember all those different commands. On. Off. Channel up. Channel down. Play. Pause. Stop. Rewind. etc. But why must you, for no apparent reason, forget which A/V components I have? You seem to have no problem remembering the DirecTV controls. Are you getting electronic alzheimer's? I give you fresh batteries, and you still lose the ability to change the volume within minutes of being reprogrammed. Your brother upstairs doesn't seem ot have this problem, so it doesn't seem to be genetic. Perhaps you have a minor birth defect that prevents you from retaining too much knowledge. Or maybe you just don't like the electronics that you control. Are you trying to tell me to get a new TV? If you can convince my wife, perhaps we can get you a nice new plasma monitor to control. That would get you excited, wouldn't it? All that power in your little buttons? I'll see what I can do. But you've got to do your part and try to remember how to make the VCR play, and how to turn the TV on, ok? Do we have a deal? Rastro | ||
| Soda Citizen Username: Soda Post Number: 2060 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dearest Framistan: So misunderstood. Here is genius, yet we see it not... Your Pal, -s. PS: Best regards to your cousin Henway. | ||
| mem Citizen Username: Mem Post Number: 4315 Registered: 5-2001 |
Soda,  | ||
| Parkbench87 Citizen Username: Parkbench87 Post Number: 1583 Registered: 7-2001 |
And don't forget the bastard child of Framistan and Henway "Matayogi" | ||
| greenetree Supporter Username: Greenetree Post Number: 3427 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dear Deli Slicer, I should not malign the departed. And I do hope you are happy in your new home. It is now time for me to tell you how much I secretly resented you for all of those years. Oh, sure. You were innocuous enough. After the first use, you sat quietly in the cupboard. Silent, waiting, hoping. Maybe it isn't your fault. Afterall, it takes two. But, the fact is, you became an obsession with my dear TS. I tried, in vain, for years to get her to let go of you. But, no. As long as you were in that cupboard, she yearned for you. I don't think I could handle knowing what was in her fantasies. Finally, she was forced to choose - you or me. And, while I am glad that she chose me, I cannot forgive the 7 years you stole. They can never be replaced. Sincerely, The Wife | ||
| Pippi Citizen Username: Pippi Post Number: 542 Registered: 8-2003  |
Dear DVD Player I wish you well. This evening, you were replaced. Perhaps I will not be so mystified by the remote control of your replacement -- who I have dubbed "my new favorite appliance". See YA! | ||
| shh Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 1886 Registered: 5-2001 |
Pippi, Michele & Stacy can't speak publicly about their favorite appliances. | ||
| notehead Citizen Username: Notehead Post Number: 1738 Registered: 5-2001  |
Dear Dishwasher, It's not my fault. I've always tried to let you do as much as you could do. That's why I never rinse anything, no matter how covered with nasty, blackened bits of cooked-on stuff it may be. I let you do your best... and then, if necessary, I finish the job on the tougher stuff. (Or, I may give you a second chance at it.) This way, between the two of us, we get the dishes clean and use the minimum of hot water. It's not me, man, it's her. SHE's the one who's rinsing stuff, I just want you to know that. But... can you blame her, really? I mean, what was the problem with those cereal bowls the other day? I mean, it's not like they had a ton of junk baked into 'em, or anything, they were just cereal bowls. They looked worse coming out than they did going in. How am I supposed to convince her that you don't need help if you, well, you seem like you DO need help?! All I can say is... straighten up and fly right, mister. And if you need a little reminder about what can happen if things aren't up to snuff around here... just ask the dvd player. | ||
| shh Citizen Username: Shh Post Number: 1887 Registered: 5-2001 |
Dear Pasta Maker, I had high hopes when I put you on my Bridal Shower Registry—all those years ago. I dreamt of wonderful fresh, al dente fettucine, linguini, rotini, spaghetti, ziti orecchiete, penne. Homemade ravioli, with mushroom, fresh ricotta, parsley...Mmmm. I read Ron Popeii's long winded instruction manual. I studied your methods for weeks, months, before I made my first and only batch. The flour, the egg, the oil. I discovered you were nothing more than a big clunky food processor with a silly fan and a thousand attachments to lose in the deep cavernous cabinet above the refrigerator. Fresh pasta was too doughy for me. The dumpster came, that fateful day. I tried to hold on, but I could muster up not one more ounce of strength. With a "heave" I tossed you in and bid farewell. | ||
| extuscan Citizen Username: Extuscan Post Number: 377 Registered: 6-2001 |
Dear George Foreman, in your many guises. Happiness came when I first met you. Your non stick surface did drip grease past your 1" too narrow grease tray, but I was happy to "grill" inside. That was, until you went to college and abandoned me. Thats ok, I lusted for your older sister. She took up residence with us, this time a little larger so we could feed two people at once with you. But you too left... You went to Florida with my brother. It always hurts when its with family. You little cameleon, suddenly you appear with a bun warmer! But this RUINED the atkins benefits of a meat-only machine. You made me fat. So fat that you too left. WITH MY SISTER! What will the neighbors think. I am not upset though. I only recently met your newest sibling... this time with removable heat trays. But why??? WHY IS IT $100??? I was hooked when you were $19.99. I was happy to pay$29 for the extra space on Foreman #2. $59 was pushing it for the bun warmer... BUT A HUNDRED BUCKS? I am Foremanless at the moment, but I've been eyeing you at Target. You will be mine. If you go on sale. John |
